"It's hard to believe it's boiled down to this
It seems so surreal this won't be healed by a kiss
It's hard to stare at you knowing you like I have
I used to feel so close, now I feel so bad."
I tried not to think about it.
For the longest time, nothing was said between us, and we passed through our lives like twin strangers, with the same sad eyes. Words could only get in the way. Words could only hurt us more than we had already been hurt.
Maybe it was the fact that, despite everything, I knew that he had been lying. The way he covered "us" up so effectively had nothing to do with being a good actor – the only time he had demonstrated great acting was when he got me to believe he really cared. I was his fool, his puppet. He played me like I had strings attached to my limbs. Some kind of god damned marionette.
So I broke it off. I told him it was over, listed all the reasons I had come up with on all those nights when we couldn't be together because he was tired, or the others would hear us. Everything came from a script in my mind, painstakingly constructed, the words coming from my lips, but I couldn't recognize my own voice. Was that me, sounding so hateful, so scornful? Was that me, refusing to see the way his eyes widened, the hurt that entered into that blank violet? It didn't sound like me. It didn't feel like me.
I wanted to leave. I wished I could just run away, like I usually did from bad situations. But there was more than his feelings and my conscience riding on all of this. So I didn't leave. I stayed. But we didn't really talk anymore. We didn't even argue; we had always argued before, even when we were together. He just looked away from me, and refused to meet my eyes. I don't think the others even realized anything was different, though. He was that good at acting like nothing had happened, that good at not giving a damn. Of course, that had never been an act. Had he ever cared at all? Probably not. I seriously doubt it, anyway.
I keep going back in my mind, though, to the look in his eyes that day, the same look he gets every time he looks at me now. It's almost… sad. But no, it's not. Of course it's not. Can't be. He doesn't give a damn. He never did. All he cares about is his own damn self. That's the only person he's ever cared about. Damn self-serving...
I'm not getting to the point very well, am I? Well, that's okay, since I'm not really sure what my point is. He hurt me. He hurt me really badly. It's not like I'm going to deny that. What he did… that's going to take some time to heal. It'll probably take even longer to get used to not having him around. I mean, he's still there, but it's not the same. We don't touch, we don't even speak. There's no connection left, except the look in his eyes.
Hakkai drew me aside once, to ask me about it. I finally broke down and told him what had happened. What had gone on between us, and what had become of it. And he leveled me with that look of his, the one that lets you know you've really fucked up, and even though he never lost that smile, what he said hurt more than a thousand youkai claws.
"It sounds more like you were the one who didn't care, Gojyo," was what he said, his tone level, though, calm. He never let you feel too much like he was disappointed in you, but you always knew anyway. Somehow it was worse with him than anyone else. He made you really feel like shit for whatever it was you'd done. "It sounds like maybe you were afraid, and instead of confronting him about it in a direct manner, and helping him to make it so you both felt better, you took the worse of the two choices, and it hurt both of you."
I hated it more than anything that he was right.
Maybe it was me who had done wrong.
Maybe it was me who didn't care enough.
But even if that was true, I had a feeling it would take a long time before I could go up to Sanzo and tell him how sorry I am.
Because I am sorry. I really am.
It's just harder to say it than it is to feel it.
"Maybe I could have loved you better
Maybe you should have loved me more
Maybe our hearts were just next in line
Maybe everything breaks sometime."
-- "Everything Breaks Sometime" by Jewel