Alternate title: Awkward Bros are Best Bros (oneshot)
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"No. No, no, NO. This is not a good idea."
Mabel stuck out her tongue. "Says you! My ideas are awesome. Everyone knows this."
Frowning, Dipper shook his head. "Look, I know you're excited, but..."
She jabbed his nose with her finger. "Bwop! You don't even have a reason!"
"I just have this weird feeling. If you introduce them, something bad might happen. Like, REALLY bad."
"Aw, no!" Mabel flopped backwards onto her bed. "You're gonna go all conspiracy-brains on me!"
Dipper was already pacing the attic floor, eyes narrowed in concentration. "Think about it. They've both lived here for years, but they've never met. Not once. Why, you might ask?"
"Nope."
Undaunted, he continued, waving his arms to emphasize his point. "Because something in this town doesn't want them to. They've never talked- heck, I'm not sure they've ever SEEN each other!"
"Exactly!" Mabel grinned. "It's a shame- don't you agree, Waddles?"
The pig in question made a noncommittal grunting sound. "See, Dip? Waddles agrees."
"Mabel, that's not-"
"A crying shame. It is SUCH A CRYING SHAME." She sang the last phrase loudly, dramatically swinging Waddles around like a ballroom dancer.
Dipper slapped his forehead with a sigh. "I'm serious. They are literally opposites. What if something goes wrong? What if they freak out, or get in a fight, or-"
"Oh, come on!" She tossed the pig onto her bed, where he bounced twice. "We're always messing with the rules of the town anyway."
He crossed his arms. "Still, I don't think-"
"Take a chill pill, Dill." Mabel smiled. "Just wait and see."
[]
The bell above the door rang. Mabel looked up from her post at the gift shop counter to see Robbie, hands jammed in his pockets, looking around with an uncomfortable frown. "Hey, Robbie!" she said cheerfully.
He scowled. "Yeah, whatever, squirt." He glanced to the hallway absently. "Is Wendy around?"
She narrowed her eyes, then suddenly grinned. "Uh, yeah! She'll be here pretty soon." She hopped down from the stool, extending her arm toward the living room. "You wanna sit down? Our couch is pretty much the best."
He gave her an odd look, but shrugged. "Why not." He casually made his way through the hallway before settling down on the sofa.
With a chuckle, Mabel scampered into the museum. "Hey, Soos!"
The bright, vaguely confused face of the Mystery Shack's best employee popped up from behind a display of a de-feathered Bald Eagle. "What's up, Hambone?"
"Wanna go on break? I think Pirate Cyclops is on Channel 5."
His eyes lit up. "Whoa, dude, that's my favorite!"
Robbie yelped in surprise when Soos bounded onto the couch next to him. "Hey, goth dude," he said happily, before fixing his gaze on the flickering screen.
He scowled, turning away, but found Soos's pudgy hand in front of his face. "My name's Soos."
"Uh... Robbie V." He gingerly completed the fist bump.
The room was quiet for a few minutes, which was just fine with him. But the inevitable commercial break snapped Soos out of his trance, and he leaned back, beaming. "Dude, this show's the best."
Robbie didn't say anything. Soos turned, completely oblivious to the moody silence. "So what kinda shows you like, Robbie?"
"Well, I guess-" Shaking his head, he frowned. "Look, I'm just waiting for Wendy, so..."
"No problem, dude." Soos turned back to the commercial for Coffee-O's cereal. Ten seconds had barely passed before he nudged Robbie with his elbow. "So, the evil captain's got Pirate Cyclops trapped in the brig, but the Ninja Dragon's totally gonna save him."
"I really don't care, man." Robbie's face was going red.
"This isn't the last episode though, so they probably won't have the crazy-awesome battle yet."
He tried to take a deep breath. "That's great, but-"
"But dude, when they do, it's gonna be all kinds of crazy! I can't wait!" Soos said excitedly.
Robbie was positively shaking now. "I don't care, alright?" he hissed.
"I wonder what's gonna happen? Dude, I think Pirate Cyclops might even kill the evil captain or something, you know?"
That was the last straw. Robbie practically exploded. "JUST SHUT UP! SHUT UP! I CAN'T TAKE IT!"
From the room's entryway, Mabel and Dipper could see it all. Eyes wide, Mabel was about to apologize to her brother, and Dipper was about to start gloating that he'd been right.
But Robbie continued, standing in front of the TV and screaming down at Soos. "AND BESIDES, HE CAN'T KILL THE CAPTAIN! THEY'RE BROTHERS!"
The Shack had gone completely silent. Dipper's mouth was hanging open. Mabel's joyous smile seemed to light up the room. Soos was slightly confused, but it dawned on him after a while.
And finally, Robbie realized what he'd just said. "Uh... I mean, the show's not, um..."
"Dude." Soos was beaming. "We're totally friends."
"No, we're not," he stammered before bolting out of the room.
Soos followed. "Totally friends, dude!"
"GET AWAY FROM ME!"
"FRIENDS!"
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There are more than 1,600 stories in this Gravity Falls archive. I could not find a single one that had both Soos and Robbie as tags. Of course, this is unacceptable.
Also, isn't it weird that they've never met in the show? They're both major characters, and they've never actually talked to each other. I think the closest they've gotten is Soos saying (over a loudspeaker) that there's a bike currently being stolen.
I'm actually really close to being finished with the next chapter of Searchlight Sleeping. That's happening.
Edit: The esteemed and eagle-eyed Tasmanian Devil has shrewdly pointed out that these two characters actually DID meet in the show (props to you, my friend). From Fight Fighters, and I quote:
Soos: "He called me 'big dude' once. I mean, I know I'm a big dude, but... it kinda hurt."
How the heck did I forget about that? That's hilarious. Anyway, I hope you guys don't mind that the entire thesis of this story has been debunked.