This is my first real fan fic, and I remind you it is crackfiction, so expect some out-of-character moments, and don't expect anything in-depth. No pairings, yaoi or otherwise.

Rated K+ just to be safe. I think there is some borderline humor in there somewhere.

Please, enjoy.

The wind dug jagged knives into the living, screaming hollow requiems as it passed. The night was deep and disconcerting; causing even the Pale One to hide behind a dark cloak. And without his light, there was no guidance, no hope for those who walked blindly into the freezing void.

Sheltered within a dimly-lit room, a small form sat crouched over a desk, furiously writing, writing… writing… and then pausing to laugh coolly. Neither the death-bent wind nor haunting night disturbed this creature, for they were a part of it. They were a part in the sense that they were but a figment of the being's mind, laid-out so poetically so as to bring about a certain mood.

The creature was the author of this story. Pleased with herself at having set up a false pretense, she smiled maliciously, and began the real story:

It was a warm, summer afternoon.

The sun lay with bronze arms dangling, causing the birds to quiet, the wind to hide, and the tongues of dogs to show themselves. On such a day, thick, heavy air would squeeze all energy from its patrons, turning the world into a hazy vision of displeasure, and turning people into curiously dazed (and often half-dressed) creatures of hibernation.

Such a day called for the common, wholesome summer activities such as, swimming, eating ice cream, and playing strip-poker. –the latter one being not-so –"wholesome", (yet still very common).

It is unfortunate when there are those who cannot enjoy a warm afternoon, such as the three despondent individuals who could be seen dragging along down the steaming street.

"Is anyone else hungry?" One mumbled hoarsely. He glanced to his left and met eyes with one companion and getting no response, turned his head right and looked down at his other companion.

"No," the latter replied.

"I haven't eaten since we left the city," The first complained, once again, looking at the person at his left, "I don't know what you ate, Shalnark, but it couldn't have been more filling than those burgers Fei and I had yesterday. Let's stop and get a drink anyway,"

Shalnark paused and glanced at a couple of elderly ladies sitting across the street at a café. Of course, he was engaged with weighing the pros and cons of a couple minute's rest in his mind and did not notice the women smiling and winking at him. This happened a lot.

But the joke was on the ignorant townspeople, for these three strangers were part of the greatest criminal group in existence! Each one of them had the strength to take out a small army, the wit to evade an entire mafia community, and a list of victims in numbers that could only be surpassed by the amount of reward money on their heads. These three belonged to the dreaded and fearsome gang, the Genei Ryodan!

"Well, Phinx," Shalnark finally said, checking his cell phone for the time. "since we're probably already late on our way to the meeting, I suppose if we grabbed a few drinks, it wouldn't make much more of a difference." He paused "…So, who wants to get them?" now glancing down at the third person, who replied with silence.

"Are you okay in there?" Phinx tapped the quiet one on the head.

These crafty spiders not only knew how to travel quickly, but inconspicuously, for on that blazing summer afternoon, they wore the perfect disguises:

Phinx, the tallest of the three was dressed in a long white robe, his head adorned with an Egyptian-style hat the size of his current appetite, while Shalnark's red tunic could only be upstaged by his adorable features, straight out of a shoujo fantasy. The third, Feitan, looked like a black bundle with eyes in the bandit clothes he wore, -but no one had taken the term "bandit clothes" too seriously before heading off. Walking around a small town outside of York Shin in that garb wasn't really a worry to them, -brilliant killers that they were.

"Hm," Shalnark started, sizing the small assassin up, "well, darker colors tend to attract more heat from the sun, and well, with his size, heat is more easily retained. It's probably a furnace in there."

Phinx tapped Feitan's head again, only to have his throat grabbed.

"Get me a drink. I'm dying." Feitan then released his comrade's throat so as to remove and wring out his bandana.

"Coming right up!" Shalnark said with cheerfulness (as throat-grabbing occurred on a regular basis).

Four minutes, two mind-controlled café waiters, and three passion berry smoothies later, the spiders were on the move again, discussing the coming meeting, and important events from the last one.

"I hope the game this time is strip-poker," Phinx said. (The game is popular even among violent outlaws.)

"Ahahaha, I'm not very good at cards, remember?" Shalnark smiled nervously, looking as much like a bishie as possible. A young woman fainted as she jogged by.

"You did okay last time we played," Phinx pointed-out.

"That's because Uvo got drunk and started throwing chairs," Shalnark reminded him.

Feitan slurped his drink loudly in response.

"Ah, good times!" Phinx snickered, "and I had no idea that was where you had your tattoo!"

"You said you'd never mention that out loud!" the boy gave a merry, yet sharp reminder.

Feitan slurped.

"It is too bad about Uvo," Phinx continued, on a more somber note, "and Paku. I wonder if we'll see that Chain Guy again anytime soon. What do you think, Fei?"

Feitan slurped his drink again. They had gotten him a child-sized drink. They would pay for this insult.

"If we do, we will kill him." He stated dryly.

There was silence for a few minutes and while Feitan slurped and Shalnark texted, walking behind them Phinx fidgeted.

There was a good deal of slurping, tapping, and nail-picking before the latter-named individual had an epiphany:

"I'm hungry," Phinx said for the second time.

"Well, now we're coming up to some woods, so there's no chance of getting any food for now," Shalnark responded as he observed Feitan's head disappearing under some heavy brush.

It is uncanny how steaming asphalt can meld into a green carpet, how dirty stone buildings can be replaced with trees, and how said trees could jump out of nowhere and hit one intentionally in the face!

Whack!

…though this time, it was the tree that got attacked.

"Ah, man!" Phinx groaned, digging his knuckles into a thick, unsuspecting trunk (and consequently, breaking it in half), "Those burgers we had the other day were really good! There was this stand in York Shin Central Park-"

"The one that mysteriously caught fire?" Shalnark interrupted him.

"Yeahthatwasus." He coughed, "But anyway, they were huge! After I pulled off the lettuce and tomatoes, they-"

"Someone doesn't eat his vegetables!" a sing-song voice.

"Why do you care what we eat anyway?" Phinx muttered, feeling awkward now, "Spiders don't eat vegetables,"

"They don't eat hamburgers either," Shalnark put in.

"Spiders eat blood," Feitan suddenly stated in the cool way his usually said "hello" before stabbing someone with his umbrella.

The other two just stared for a moment.

"He scares me sometimes," Phinx whispered.

Shalnark nodded and retrieved his phone, "Hello?" and then explained in a whisper, "I had it on 'silent',"

"Yeah, whatever," He was probably only pretending to be having a conversation. The call lasted for several minutes. During that time, Phinx cursed the bishonen for having an escape. Shalnark often used his phone for many things other than controlling idiots; -he also faked calls at times! Why not put the ever-present item to one's advantage? (You certainly needed a break with this crowd!) And using that power, the pretty jerk had left him alienated again!

Phinx scratched his temple and attempted to break the silence, "Anyone know any good jokes?"

"Mmhmm, we just got some smoothies!" Shalnark chimed into the receiver, completely ignoring the other two.

Phinx growled deep in his throat. "Anyone?"

A wickedly hushed voice answered his request, "If I shoved a hamster down your throat, would you or the hamster die first?" Feitan hissed.

"You like strawberries in yours too? …hehehe! I didn't know they had come out with an apple flavor!"

Feitan, for some odd reason, seemed upset at having had his annoying slurping disturbed. How much smoothie could that tiny cup hold anyway?

Phinx blinked.

"No, ahahaha! I don't really want to be your samba partner!" Shalnark giggled, "gomen!"

"He's freaking me out," Phinx muttered, not exactly specifying which 'he' the comment referred to.

Feitan was now humming. The smoothie had mysteriously disappeared, though Phinx suspected it had been tucked away with the umbrella… the knives, the taser gun, the grenades, the medieval mace, the stretching rack, the atom bomb, and forty-seven missing persons.

"Paint my fingernails? Noo! Hahaha!"

Who the heck was Shalnark pretending to be talking to anyway?

Feitan also glanced his way, still humming placidly.

"Hey, now! I thought I told you not to talk about my tattoo!" Slight stress was indicated in the bishie's voice. Any minute now, and it might turn into a heated argument with himself, Feitan mused. That would definitely make his day.

"Whoa! Whoa! Ahahaha! I'm hanging up now!" Shalnark smiled in spite of the sweat that now matted his previously luminous hair.

Feitan's humming continued, louder, becoming recognizable as the Saw theme.

That was it.

"Would you two shut up?!" Phinx growled. Simultaneously, all three suddenly went on guard, sensing the presence of strong nen.

"I gotta go, Hisoka,"

"Oh?" The magician's unmistakable voice sang loudly from the other end before it was turned off.

The other two heard it, but didn't care. They were now reading the sign before them.

"Beware of Jason"

…no, not that sign.

They read the nen message written over the sign, which read,

"Shortcut to new Kumo Headquarters, turn right. This is obviously not a trap.

Love, Danchou

P.S. The first ones there get free cake."

The three comrades now turned to look at one another, confirming silently their next move. And with all speed, they turned right and raced down the winding path that would lead them deeper and deeper into the dark, trembling claws of the forest….

"Perfect," whispered a dark voice as the figures faded from view.

...and then realizing they were now escaping at 185 MPH, "!!!"