A/N: This is a bit long, I know. It's a one-sided Rikku x Tidus pairing, with Rikku angsting about how Tidus loves Yuna instead of her. Enjoy! Tell me how I can improve too.
Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy X or any of its characters.
He was flawed, wasn't he? His body, a shell of perfection, hid a flawed, faulty character. Nobody can be perfect, can they?
His body, that of an athlete, was made for protection. Protecting his loved ones, his friends, his family. Not just for playing Blitzball, but also for fighting off fiends that might threaten all those around him.
He was perfection – my memories forbade me to believe otherwise.
My mind, ever logical, told me so – that he was flawed. It would only do me good if I believed he was flawed.
But how? His actions, his words, his every minute movement… everything was perfect, a replication of any holy, divine being that might exist.
Before that fateful day, I was blind. Blind to his flaws. Blind to his feelings for Yuna. The very day I noticed his feelings was the day I started to force myself not to think of him.
The last day, before many others, that I could bring a sincere smile, a genuine laugh, on my lips.
Safely nestled in the cover of the bush, I looked out, to the river.
Tidus and Yuna. Made for each other, yet hesitant of their feelings. How could I measure?
I shook my head vigorously, an attempt to dispel the thought.
Their eyes, looking into each other's. Their tears, flowing for the same reason. Their hearts, beating for each other's. Their minds… thinking of each other.
A swift motion, and Yuna, sobbing helplessly, was shoved into the warmth of Tidus' chest.
I want to be Yuna. Darn bad luck I got born as Rikku, the outsider. It was like that then, it still is like that now.
I strained my ears, trying desperately to hear what they were saying. I could not. But I could deduce. And the outlook was bad. For me, that is.
A thought flashed through my mind, the body's last attempt at self-preservation. "But before it happens, I have a chance, don't I?"
Ready to leap out at any moment when the action moved beyond hugging, I could only react with stunned silence when the two people- my best friends!- finally united with a lovers' embrace.
"Hug, and leave it at that. Make it a hug for friendship." I prayed.
Desperation and denial in its most explicit. I know myself well, but sometimes knowing oneself is not as good as it sounds.
I looked on, fervently hoping and wishing that the expected wouldn't happen.
Minutes became hours as I looked on at the most romantic scene, yet the most horrible. The deafening silence, perhaps amplified by my desperation, was indication enough that the expected was meant to happen.
The expected was meant to happen, not the scenario I wanted, which consisted of Yuna pushing Tidus away and yelling certain words I wasn't even sure Yuna had heard of.
Not gonna happen, I know.
Darn it, why were they taking so long? Why not reveal the punishment, or the reward, then let me get on with life?
The next thing I knew was regret; regret for thinking that thought, which came true.
I turned away as the lovers' lips met. That was punishment enough for me.
Punishment, of course, for entering a prohibited area and for loving an unattainable man.
An imperfect memory, forever etched into my mind. What has become of the old, cheerful Rikku? Not destroyed, no.
I just need a little while to get over this chapter of my life and move on. I'd thought the same thing then, but no, it didn't work.
I continued falling into the oblivion of love- call it infatuation if you like-, the fruitless harnessing of a feeling so strong it could overwhelm me.
Time, as it always did, strengthened the bond. Not just that between all of us, the guardians and the summoner, but also between the two destined lovers.
We fought through all the obstacles, looking out for each other on the way; risking our lives for the future High Summoner, and for the expected eventual loss of her life.
The only secret we- Tidus and I- shared was that of Yuna's expected eventual death. The Final Summoning.
It tortured me, of course, how the only thing he would share with me was a secret about her, but… it was a shared secret all the same.
Eventually, we went on to defeat Seymour, Yunalesca, Jecht, and finally, Yu Yevon. We passed all the hurdles presented. We didn't have to use the Final Summoning, either.
In all, it was a success.
However, the result made no indication of the ending.
Another painful memory, and perhaps this time it would be the real ending of this chapter of my life.
The Airship, moving at a painfully slow rate, increased my longing to see home.
Home…
Would it be a constant reminder of my forbidden desire, or a place of peace for me to recuperate?
I moved closer to the guardians, willing myself to feel the sense of achievement I should. Willing myself to feel the warmth of the accomplished smiles on the proud faces of my friends.
But not Tidus', or Yuna's. I'm not a masochist and can spare myself the pain.
"I have to go, I'm sorry I couldn't show you Zanarkand." The voice… That voice… why was he leaving?
I looked at him, longing to ask.
My head turned. Yuna… she knew. The defiant, yet helpless shake of her head said it.
He was leaving- we probably wouldn't see him again.
I watched, my mind instantly numbing the growing, forbidden ache rising in my chest.
"Ah!" Yuna cried.
"Yunie!" I gasped, my protectiveness of the summoner now a reflex.
She… ran through Tidus.
Was he, could he, really be just a dream? But it was so real…
He was so real.
She ran through Tidus.
My mind, trying to process the two contradicting facts, went into a state of confusion. What… did this mean? Was he real?
It didn't matter.
At the back of my mind, I knew. No matter whether he was a dream or a real person, it didn't matter. All that mattered were the experiences, the joy, the hardship…
The feelings.
The feelings would always be real, whether feelings of love, friendship, or hatred.
It didn't matter whether the person was.
"Thank you," Yuna got up and whispered.
Tidus, now a translucent figure, slowly paced forward. One, two, three steps… I almost couldn't bear to look.
He reached out, holding Yuna in a final embrace.
An embrace which couldn't be felt, yet…
Yet the feelings were there all the same. The final embrace before the lovers parted.
One, two, three, four, five, six…
Seven. Seven seconds.
He let go, and jumped off the airship, his spirit floating into nonexistence…
From that moment, I knew that I was free.
I am free.
Freed of what? A curse, an existence, meant to torture me and torment me with my feelings all the time?
Or myself?
I'd let go. I could feel it. The energy, the confidence, which I'd used as a façade in those days, were false.
Now I could feel it – the real thing. It wasn't just that he'd left, it was just that I'd finally let go. I'd let go of my feelings… of how it was impossible.
Of how it wouldn't, no matter how hard I wished it to be, be realized.
I finally let go.
Rikku is back.