A/N: Another fill in story while I attempt to get my brain in gear to write a longer one with an actual plot! Sort of the other side of my other fill in story "Tempting Fate". Post Doomsday, some spoilers for both series.
He's put off venturing into her room until now. Her voice still echoes down the corridors of the TARDIS and he can't help thinking that it always will. She is so very much a part of all of this, a part of time and space and this world, that he is finding it hard to accept that she is now very much not a part of this world. That she now exists somewhere else, living the same life she always would have done, but so many miles from home. He can't believe that she won't be found in some dark distant corner of his ship, just pottering around and investigating things.
But he can't avoid it forever. He has walked past her bedroom door countless times since it was left empty. He made his mind up a few days ago to open the door and go in. How hard could it be? He'd discovered how hard it could be as he froze, his hand on the door handle, unable to turn it. He'd backed away and slid down the opposite wall. He hadn't slept in his bed that night.
He wants to see her room again. Of course he does. He can't put a quantity on the amount of time he has spent in that room ever since he met her. Sitting on her bed and waiting for her to finish whatever she was doing. Sticking his head around the door last thing each night, to make sure she's okay. Even as he thinks that something puts a clamp around his chest and he finds it hard to breathe momentarily. He won't do that again. He'll never go to bed with the happy picture in his mind of her, sleeping peacefully, her blonde hair tousled across the pillow and her soft breathing filling the room. That part of his life, his long long life, is over.
And so now he stands, staring at that almost impenetrable door, visualising what he will find on the other side. Her room, as she left it that morning. No doubt there will be clothes and make-up scattered haphazardly across the room. He can imagine it all looking very normal, very everyday. Only it wasn't normal, it wasn't an every day. It was a very unnormal day, even in his world. It was the day his heart broke for the second time, and this time he more than fears it's forever.
He rests his forehead against the door, trying to find the energy and resolve to turn the handle and step into the room. Closing his eyes, he wishes, not for the first time, that he wasn't here. He wishes himself daily into another time and place, somewhere where he wouldn't hurt so much. But even a Time Lord can't do that. No matter where he travels, he'll take it with him, the pain and loneliness. He can't escape from that.
He breathes out heavily and opens the door. It creaks on its hinges slightly, as though it has been years rather than weeks since it was last in use. That upsets him for some ridiculous reason. It feels as though his own ship is betraying him, acting as though she never existed. But he can't give in that easily. He pushes it more firmly and then finds himself standing in the room at last.
For a second he expects to see her, throwing her things around or lying on her bed, reading one of those trashy novels she loves so much. It feels like a second blow as he remembers that she won't be there, that she can't be there ever again. What does strike him as soon as he sets foot in the room though, is that the CD player is still turned on and is playing a CD. He recognises it almost immediately as a mixed album she made a few months ago. He teased her at the time, laughing at her random choice of songs. As it plays out now, he doesn't think he could ever laugh again.
"Just when we both thought our lives were set in stone, they shone a light and brought us together."
As he gazes around her room, he remembers how he hadn't even wanted her around to begin with. This girl who had happened to get in the way as he tried to save the world yet again… he'd tried to leave her behind more than once. But he couldn't. He just couldn't leave and not take her with him. He'd never expected to feel like that again. After the Time War, he'd expected to live alone forever, and he'd thought he'd wanted that. And then she'd come along and it was like something inside of him had switched on again. He'd felt empty and dark for so long, too long. If his people could have seen him then, they wouldn't have recognised him. It was like a light switching on, and he could finally see the end of a long dark tunnel. And she was there, her laughter guiding him.
Now she's gone, he can feel the suffocating weight of grief returning every second, weighing him down and choking him. Everything seems dimmer and less alive, like she took the light with her when she left. For that brief time everything had made sense again, and now… now he doesn't know what to do.
"You're one of God's better people, and you don't know, and that's why you're special"
Her room is a normal teenager's room, with a strange mixture of old and new things. He notices immediately that her beloved stuffed rabbit has been left behind. Such small things upset him these days, and he struggles against the sobs that have threatened to engulf him since he left that beach. He can hardly bear to think about her lying alone in her bed now, without even that to watch over her.
Such a normal girl, with such a normal family. And yet she is anything but normal. Even before he met her, there was so much more to her than that. He saw something in her that first day that made him sit up and take notice. She is better than the rest, braver and stronger and better. He's never been able to explain it, and he doesn't think he ever will, but he knows instinctively that she was, is, more special than any one else he will ever meet.
And she didn't know. She never saw herself as anything better than what she saw in the mirror. So grounded, so very… normal. He remembers listening to her rants and excited speeches over the smallest things, and even manages the smallest of smiles.
"So stop lying that you're fine, cause you're like me. And you can't give up, till an all time love."
He remembers telling her on more than one occasion that he was fine, alright, just perfect, when he was anything but. Those lies hurt him more now than he can say. He wasted time telling them, and stopped her from getting too close. It's always a mistake to build up walls. Because now they're starting to come down and he has no one to lean on, no one to take the strain.
He wants to give up now. He wants to lock himself in that room and bury his head in the duvet, the duvet that still smells of her perfume, and never come out again. He wants time to stop and leave him alone. He's had enough.
And yet he knows that she would never forgive him if he did that. She risked everything for him once upon a time, and for him to throw it all away now… it would be the ultimate betrayal. He can almost feel her judging him now, telling him he can't quit. She has no choice but to continue and neither does he. He's not fine, not anymore. But he can't give up.
"You were everything, everything that I wanted. We were meant to be supposed to be but we lost it."
He has no doubt that they belonged together. He never foresaw a time when they wouldn't be together, him and her, the old team. It hadn't ever crossed his mind that she would leave him. Even when they were separated and they were in the gravest danger… he'd somehow always felt they would be together again soon. This separation was unexpected.
They belonged together for so many reasons. They were like two sides of the same coin. She'd rescued him from his loneliness and he'd rescued her from her boredom. They were perfect for each other. It was like someone had maneuvered them into position. He can't imagine having found a different person in that basement that day, it's an impossible thought. It just all felt so right from the start.
And now he feels cheated, like what was supposed to be here and his has been stolen away at the vital moment. The gods playing games with their hearts. He has never asked for much, just his freedom; he feels he should have been allowed to keep her. He deserved to keep at least one.
"And the hardest part was letting go, not taking part. You really broke my heart."
They'd never imagined what was waiting for them when they came back that last time. It was just a routine trip home for her to catch up with her mum, and for him to prove to Jackie that he was taking good care of her daughter. And he was, he was taking such good care of her. He was trying so hard. Quite apart from the fact that he would do anything to avoid a slap from Jackie Tyler (he realises suddenly, with a wry smile, that that's one thing he won't have to dodge anymore), he never wanted to put her in any danger whatsoever. He can still vividly remember the pain he felt on sending her home the first time. Acting so cheerfully and then watching her leave in his own TARDIS. Because he wanted to save her more than anything. How else can he explain his hesitation in Downing Street? He can't remember another time like it before then; he's never found himself torn between his hearts and his head before. Since meeting her… it's become an everyday occurrence.
And so it was when he sadly placed that tag around her neck, and sent her away for the second time. He wanted her here with him, of course he did, but he could keep hearing Jackie's voice in his head. And he couldn't bare to think that he could ever hurt a hair on her lovely head. He should have known she wouldn't stand for it.
But the hardest part… that was still to come then. He remembers the panic as he saw her let go of the magnets, reaching desperately for the lever. Leave it! He wanted to shout, just leave it! But it had to be done, she was right. To save the world, to save both universes. All he could do was watch, as first one hand and tehn the other slipped off the lever and she was sucked into Hell. He couldn't save her that time. Only her dad could. Again.
He can't believe that he will never save her again. That from now on he is not even an impartial bystander in her life. He's just a memory, fading into nothingness each day. Because no matter how much we want to remember our loved ones, each day will erode the memory that little bit more. In a few years, the man she remembers won't be him. He'll have the same name, but he'll be that bit kinder, that bit wiser, that bit more good-looking. She won't remember him at all. He knows it's true because already her memory is fading. Standing in her room, and looking around at everything, he can feel the change. He looks at her CD collection fondly now, smiling sadly to remember how she used to dance around her room in her pyjamas. Her piles of shoes and clothes, tipped out of cupboards and drawers. He can't remember now how her music drove him mad sometimes, and how annoyed he used to get while waiting for her to get ready. He's not remembering her anymore.
"I dream I'm dancing with you and I can really move. I dream you're kissing me, and I can really feel it."
But he remembers their dances. He remembers the jealousy he felt when she spoke of Jack with such enthusiasm. And he remembers how he felt when she put her hand into his and he whisked her around the TARDIS. He's never felt happier before or since. Everyone lives! And everyone had, for one shining moment. He'd felt himself living again, could feel the blood pumping through his veins, could feel a song in his head that he hadn't sung for years.
He remembers kissing her. Even though she never thought of it again, never even mentioned that she could remember it, he can't stop remembering it. It was like the meeting of two people who should have been one. Ever since then he's wanted to do it again but he kept putting it off, telling himself it was nonsensical. And now he never will.
He'll never dance with her again, or kiss her. And oh, how he dreams of those times every night now, wishing the outcome could be different.
He's barely made a start on clearing her room. He has no idea what to do with it all anyway. He wishes he could leave it how it was the last time she was in it, but that wouldn't do any good. She won't be returning to it this time.
He lies back on her bed as the CD continues playing. Wincing, he pulls something out from under the duvet. Her diary. Well worn, and well thumbed. She was always writing in this. It brings tears to his eyes again to think she'll be without it now. She used to say she kept it to remind her of the good times in her life. He needs to remember those times now. The last time he saw her she was so far from the good times in her life, tears running down her face and her voice choked by sobs.
He only hesitates a second before opening the diary. He knows it's wrong, he shouldn't trespass upon her property like this. He just wants to know her better, now she's gone and he can't hurt anymore. He just wants to be closer to her.
"Is this how the book ends, nothing but good friends? Cause you don't see me, and you don't need me, and you don't love me, the way I wish you would."
He reads her diary, and it almost breaks his heart again. She said she wrote in it to remember the good times. But what he reads is far from good. In here are things she never said to his face, never even hinted at.
He knows he never told her he loved her. He never sat her down and told her how he felt. That he felt like he'd finally come home when they hugged, and that he could never tire of looking at her. That when she was near he felt safe and he'd never enjoyed travelling this much until he met her. That he loved her and always would. He'd never said that to her. Even when they parted he still failed in that respect.
But he always thought she knew. He never felt the need to say it because he thought it was so obvious. How could he not love her? After everything they'd been through, everything he'd done… she still hadn't known.
She thought he didn't need her, that one day he would dump her just like all the others. She went away believing that. And now he'll never get the chance to tell her. That, yes, a Time Lord falling for a human was a mistake. But that she'd always be his favourite mistake.
"You know I can't accept we're going nowhere, but one last time let's go there, lay by my side."
Lying back on her bed again and closing his eyes, he visualizes her by his side. They used to lie like this frequently, silent and still but content in their knowledge of each other. They won't do it again. He knows he should get up and move on, start packing her things away. This is going nowhere. But just for tonight he doesn't want to. He wants to make believe it's all a dream, a terrifying nightmare. Tomorrow he'll accept it all, find a way through it all. But not tonight.
Not tonight.
The song lyrics come from (in order): "Two in a million" by S Club 7, "One of God's Better People" by Robbie Williams, "All time love" by Will Young, "My happy ending" by Avril Lavigne, "The Hardest Part" by Coldplay, "I dream" by Billie Piper, "You don't see me" from Josie and the Pussycats and "Last Request" by Paolo Nutini. I really need to stop writing song fics!