Uh, yeah, randomness. This will be a multi chap, but not very long. Just a short story. I don't know what I was on when I wrote this. It's parody more than anything, maybe some OOCness too. Enjoy!
The Case of Rufus
Chapter One - The Letter
"Reno, this is not right! Lets just get out of the president's office and go back to work!"
"Relax, Elena. Rude's keeping watch outside, and even Tseng approves of what we're doing. He told us to do it."
Elena gave a disapproving look as she wrung her hands. "Well, I don't approve. Its invasion of privacy."
"Oh, come on, Elena, you've seen the way he looks at her. They've been friends for 6 months, but he's been stalking her for a year."
"Rufus ShinRa does NOT stalk," Elena stated. "He... keeps tabs."
The red head scoffed. "Whatever. Now..." Reno began to shuffle through the desk drawers, "Where did he put that letter..."
"Look, since when did you men find it a priority to ruin his relationship?" Elena shot angrily.
Reno rolled his eyes and ignored her, still shuffling.
"HEY!" Elena jabbed his ribs, making him gripe and double up. "I'm talking to ya!"
"Elena," Reno addressed with venom, "being a man is exactly the reason why we're doing this for our boss. He's been all moony-eyed for the last year, but he's not done ANYTHING to resolve it. It makes me puke," he added, bending down again to the drawers. "As a guy, I don't wanna see her turn him into a bleeding heart. We're helping."
"Helping? Helping! Its sabotaging!" Elena cried, throwing her hands up.
"Yes! Found it!" Reno lifted up a blank envelope triumphantly.
"Anyway, how did you even know he had written a letter?" Elena asked suspiciously, folding her arms.
"Its quite genius, actually. Tseng was in here while Rufus was dictating, and he noticed a handwritten note on his desk. When Rufus left his office for a coffee later on that day, Tseng crept in and looked at the letter; and he had guessed correctly. The letter was for Tifa Lockheart." Reno took the letter out of the unsealed envelope.
"Reno! Don't look! What does it say?" Elena peered over his shoulder.
"Man, I gotta spend more time with this guy," Reno muttered. "This guys go ammo! And using it all on one woman... what a waste," he cackled. Elena sighed at his writing. "He doesn't even use her name," she whispered. "Just addresses her as 'beloved'. Oh, how romantic," she sighed and put a hand to her throat.
"Beloved, huh? You like that?" Reno made a mental note.
Elena punched his shoulder. "So, genius, what are you gonna do now?"
"Simple. We deliver it to her. By chocobo courier, or carrier moogle... or whatever they use to get mail out."
"You mean, a mailman?" Elena replied scathingly. "You know, Cloud Strife is a delivery boy, isn't he?"
"What, give it to him?" Reno asked outloud. "Give it to him... but it has no name on the envelope. We gotta tell him its for Tifa, otherwise he won't know where to take it."
"You talk like hes an idiot," Elena said disprovingly.
"Well, you gotta admit, he's rather slow on the uptake. If he thinks that Rufus..." Reno chuckled. "Oh no, that's too funny! Bahahaha..."
"That's mean, Reno," Elena growled, not laughing. "Seeing as though boss is in love with SOMEONE ELSE," she continued, bringing Reno back to reality. "Imagine the scandal if that got out."
Reno nodded, still sniggering. "Okay, we'll make sure it gets into Tifa's hands. Geez, Elena, you spoil all the fun..."
"No, I just wanna save my neck," she scowled, grabbing his arm. "Now, lets get out of here!"
Cloud wandered through the streets of Kalm, an address scribbled on a sheet of paper in his hand. He looked up at the house numbers and a confused look crossed his face. He scratched his head.
"Is Six Gables the one that says Six Gables, or-" Cloud turned to face the other side of the street, "-the number six?"
He stood in confusion for a few more seconds when his cellphone rang. "Strife Delivery Service."
"Uh, yeah, hey Cloud, its Reno."
"How'd you get my number?"
"Um, I'm psychic."
"Oh."
"Yeeahh. (Man...) anyway, I was hoping you could deliver something to your friend Tifa for us."
Cloud was looking at the address, but his head shot up. "How do I know you're not up to something?"
"Relax, Cloud. Its a letter."
He went back to looking at the address and then at the named Six Gables. "Whatever. Where am I picking it up?"
"Oh, just come to the entrance to the new HQ, and someone will hand it to you at the front desk. Come as soon as you're done."
"This is my last delivery...wait, where?"
"Uh, I just said. The entrance to the HQ. Go to the desk and ask the secretary for the message you're picking up from president Rufus."
"Rufus?" Cloud said absentmindedly, gazing at number six.
"Ya know... the president?"
"What? Oh, yeah."
"Remember, its for Tifa. Pick it up at the front desk. From Rufus."
"Front desk. Rufus. Got it."
Cloud flipped his cellphone shut and decided on the number six.
Reno hung up the phone and looked at his comrades. "Something tells me he wasn't really listening to me."
Tifa was wiping the bar counter down when the phone rang. She darted through the doorway into the back of the house where it rang on her desk. Denzel reached it first.
"Hello, Denzel's Crematorium. You kill 'em, we grill 'em!"
Tifa swiped the phone away as she went to swat Denzel's rear. Cackling, he leapt out the way ran out of sight. Regaining her composure, she held the phone to her ear. "Hello?"
"Tifa, you've gotta keep him away from the phone."
"Cloud! You've finished your delieveries?"
"Yeah, I just gotta pick up a letter that someone wrote to me."
"You're picking up your own letter?"
"Yeah, its from Rufus."
Tifa arched an eyebrow. "And its for you?"
"Yeah. Why else would they have me pick it up?"
"Okay." Tifa wondered at his logic. "How'd you know its for you?"
"Reno told me."
"Oh. Bring home a pizza. See you soon."
"Bye."
Click.
Tifa, Denzel and Marlene were playing a game when Tifa heard the bar door open. She walked in to see Cloud holding a pizza, his face stunned. On top of the pizza box was an opened letter.
"Cloud... are you alright?"
"I need to talk to you," he whispered, his face in shock. Just as those words left his mouth, Marlene and Denzel came screaming in.
"Yay! PIZZA!" Cloud pocketed the letter and handed the pizza to the kids. He grabbed Tifa's arm and led her into the cellar.
"Read this," he muttered, handing it to her.
"'My darling beloved'," she read, and did a double take. "What?"
"Heh. That's not the worst of it," Cloud said pathetically, running fingers through his hair. He watched as Tifa read the letter.
"'Words cannot express...my feelings are like a...everytime I look at you...' Wow, Cloud. He's so poetic."
"POETIC! What the HELL is that supposed to mean, Tifa?" Cloud exploded.
Tifa surpressed a smile. All the time she spent with Rufus, and she had no idea.
Cloud sank into a crouch, holding his head. "I'm not interested!" he whined.
Tifa knelt next to him, rubbing his back. "Its okay, Cloud."
He looked up. "He's your friend, Tifa. You've been talking to him, spending time with him. What have you told him about me?"
"N...nothing!" Tifa replied defensively. "Sometimes... he would ask how you and the kids were, but I thought he was just being nice..."
Cloud scoffed. "I can't deal with this," he muttered. "I have to talk to him."
"Can it wait 'til morning?" Tifa asked. Cloud nodded.
"Fine."
Okay, I know Cloud seems really stupid, but I did say OOCness was expected. But anyway, how can you NOT be stupid when the WOMAN you live with is in love with you for at least 4 years and you don't do anything about it?