Author's Note:
I'm sure I'm not the first (nor will I be the last) to write something like this. I just can't be. I don't remember reading anything like it (but my brain can make swiss cheese look like a lead brick in comparison so that's not saying much) but there must be one somewhere.
That all said, I hope my little take on it is amusing enough to entertain. This is a One-shot. Period. If you like it enough to want more, please feel free to run with it. Write your own, and/or find someone who'll do it for you. I am 100% stumped on where else one could take this (maybe if you set it a few years down the line but even then...) so if you can see something I don't and actually get it down in print, more power to you (and please send me a link).
Inspired in part by the Britsanity I've been tweaking over on "Why" for the last few days and the gods alone know what else.
Glee is not mine. Brittany is not mine (she's Santana's damn-it and that Latina lovely better own up to it fast or she's gonna be wheeled right out of the picture (Much Love to Artie). Quinn is not mine (She's Rachel's (and vice-versa) and the two of them need to sit down and accept it.) Santana is not mine (You know the drill by now.) I just borrowed them because it was the only way to get them out of my head for 5 mins. Especially Brittany. That girl's just Machiavellian.
Enjoy :)
"When she scrunches her nose up like that she looks just like the puppet that lives in my closet."
The teens to either side of the speaker slowly turned away from the familiar sight of the short stacked brunette going through her daily tirade against the cruelty of having to work with a bunch of amateurs and to the blonde sitting between them.
"His name is Berry too but like treasure, not blue which is odd cause he is blue." Brittany continued on either unaware of or simply unaffected by the two pairs of curious eyes now locked on her. "He's also a Pirate."
"A blue pirate puppet named Bury lives in your closet?" Quinn asked.
"Let me guess, his last name is treasure."
"Don't be silly San, who's last name is Treasure.
"Right cause that's the silly bit." Mumbled someone near where Kurt sat behind the three cheerios, pointedly avoiding the dual glares shot in his direction.
"His last name is Chest. Treasure is his middle name."
"So," said the elderly and way-to-underpaid-to-deal-with-this educator as he pinched the bridge of his nose. "The reason you don't have your science project, which is due today, is because last night the king of the sewer elves, who you met last summer, snuck into your room to ask for your help in defeating the alligator kings troll army-"
"Troll kings alligator army." Brittany corrected, her expression showing nothing but open honesty.
"Of course. My apologies. - to ask for your help against the troll kings alligator army who's one weakness just happens to be light from a potato powered bulb."
"I had a note from the Elf king…. but one of the alligators ate it."
"…" The teacher opened his mouth to speak only to close it in a long, drawn out, and extremely heavy sigh.
"Fine. Just try and bring in something by Monday okay."
"Okay…" The blonde flashed a toothy grin and gave a nod of her head as she turned to head back to her seat.
A low groan of "Oh god what now?" washed over the front row of desks when Brittany turned back
"Which Monday."
"Take you pick."
"One day you will all be my minions. Mwa-hahaha"
"That's nice Brit." Quinn replied with no apparent concern for her future enslavement at the hands of her companion or at least not enough to distract her from the task of lightly blowing on the second coat of fire engine red painting her meticulously groomed nails.
"Sounds like fun." Santana added, her voice as calm as her future fellow inductee to the cult of Brittnay as she purloined the bottle of top coat from the doomed blonde's lap.
"Yeah. I've got the costumes drawn and plans for the nursery and-"
"Whoa. Wait a min B, did you just say nursery?"
"Yeah."
"Just what kinda evil lair are you planning to run?"
"S'not evil." Brittany answered, pouting lightly as she turning her gaze from her girlfriend to her flaxen haired BFF where the corners of her lips retreated into a grin. "You and Rachel are gonna make such cute babies."
"What?" Quinn blurted out followed by the clink of glass against glass as the bottle of Primrose and proper nail varnish dropped from her shocked hands to land amongst the vessels of various hue spread out across the bed. "First of all. EWW! Secondly, you do know that girls can't have babies with other girls right Brit?"
Quinn's distressed gape stole off to the side to catch Santana in the act of frantically trying to subtly draw a finger across her neck in the international recognized signal for Shut the Frick Up Fabray.
"That's what the lab geeks are for. They'll be my minions too… but they'll have to figure out how to fit everybody into the tank first."
The cheer captain and her second in command exchanged a mutually puzzled look.
"B… what do you think a minion is?" the Latina asked, head tilted slightly to one side as she eyed her beau.
"A little fish… right?"
"Yeah Brit. We're all going to be your little fishes." Quinn replied after a moment, lightly patting the imaginative girl's knee.
"See. I told you." Brittany confirmed before grabbing the nearest bottle of polish and giving it a shake.
The awkward had almost settled out of the air in the intervening silence when Santana lifted her head from the dedicated focus required for the application of her latest clear coat.
"Wait, if we're all fish then what the hell are the costumes for?"
"Oooh Feather. Brittany cried out as soon as she opened the front door to Quinn's home.
"You ever worry about her, about what's going to happen after we graduate?" Quinn asked softly as she watched Brittany bunny hop down the walkway in pursuit of the pale gold bit of flotsam skittering erratically in the breeze.
"Sometimes." Santana replied as she pulled on her coat. "But then…"
"What?"
"Nothing, it's just... sometimes I think I see this… thing… in her eye and I wonder if it's all just an act."
"I got it! I got it!" Brittany interrupted as she returned with prize in hand. "What kinda of bird do you think it's from? A duck? I hope it's a duck. Can it be a duck. Please?"
The duo examined the tattered and worn scrap of a long forgotten band flyer held out proudly for their inspection then turned to each other.
"… Nah!"
"It's not a duck?" The third of the trio whimpered.
"No B, that's most def from a duck. Me and Q where just talking about something else."
"So it is from a duck?"
"Yea Brit. Good catch."
"Yay!"
—
Let's see… today was a Thursday, which meant something blue and it was an odd numbered day so something mechanical, third week of the month which meant…, even numbered month..., even numbered year..., before Christmas but after Labour day plus the forecast was for partially cloudy and…
—
"So that's when my mom's Tuna noodle Casserole told me about the robot bears being allergic to blueberries but I only had raisins but then I remembered how the aliens that probed me last month loved raisins so I asked the casserole to use her tepelathy to call the aliens and ask them to bring some paint over an-."
"B?"
"Yeah San-san?"
"Don't ever change okay?"
A grin. "Okay… so the aliens show up but they brought purple paint instead of blue so then I had to…."