To start things off, I would like to state that no Snapes were hurt in the making of this film. The chapters to follow may cause a sudden loss of blood pressure, increased heart rate, congestion, headaches, nose bleeds, constipation, loss of consciousness, erectile dysfunction, muscle spasms, frequent urination, cramps, sneezing, ear infections, sore throat and loud coughing. You have been warned.

Chapter 1: Broadway Musical

It was a fine day, the sun was shining, the birds were singing, Severus was waving a razor blade around, students were eating their breakfast. The only thing is my Gryffindors all seem to be scared, the Hufflepuffs are all huddled in the corner, I wonder why this is happening.

...wait a minute... Severus was waving a razor blade around?!?!?!?!

"I had him! His throat was bare beneath my hand. No, I had him! His throat was there and he'll never come again !"

Oh my! He wasn't wearing his robes. Thankfully he was wearing clothes; grey pants, a white shirt, and a dark vest. But his hair! He had it all spiked up and there were flashes of white in it. He was scruffy though. I must act before he hurts a student or himself for that matter.

"Severus calm down, its all right. No need to hurt anyone."

"Why did I wait? You told me to wait - Now he'll never come again."

"Severus... you're singing." He's not bad either, but still, Severus Tobias Snape is singing. There is something wrong.

"There's a hole in the world like a great black pit and it's filled with people who are filled with shit and the vermin of the world inhabit it. But not for long... "

Oh no! He's on Ravenclaw table, why did Albus have to take this week off?

"They all deserve to die. Tell you why, MacGonnagal, tell you why. Because in all of the whole human race, MacGonnagal, there are two kinds of men and only two. There's the one staying put in his proper place, and the one with his foot in the other one's face. Look at me, MacGonnagal, look at you."

This is too much, I need backup. Where are those dunderhead teachers when you need them?

"No, we all deserve to die, even you, MacGonnagal, even I. Because the lives of the wicked should be made brief for the rest of us death will be a relief. We all deserve to die."

He's seems to be singing to me. Could this day get any worse? Why did I get up this morning? Severus jumped down from the Ravenclaw table, kneeling between it and the Gryffindor table, facing me.

"And I'll never see Johanna, no I'll never hug my girl to me – finished!"

He paused, I stared at him stunned; he looked so defeated. Then a spark of determination lit in his eyes and a feral grin appeared upon his face as he rose to stand again.

"Alright! You sir, you sir, how about a shave? Come and visit your good friend Severus. You sir, too sir? Welcome to the grave."

He swung around from Ravenclaw to Gryffindor males, pointing at them with his silver straight razor blade.

"I will have vengenance. I will have salvation. Who sir, you sir? No ones in the chair, come on! Come on! Severus is waiting. I want you bleeders. You sir! Anybody! Gentlemen now don't be shy!"

Severus raked one hand through his hair, making it spike up more. I really do need to get that camera fixed, this would be golden blackmail material.

"Not one man, no, nor ten men. Nor a hundred can assuage me. I will have you!"

Poor Ronald Weasley, a child should not have to go through this. I doubt he will be able to look at Severus again, not that he could in the first place.

" And I will get him back even as he gloats, in the meantime I'll practice on less honorable throats."

Stalking over the Ravenclaw table to point his blade at Malfoy's throat, Severus made the boy faint.

"And my Lucy lies in ashes, and I'll never see my girl again. But the work waits! I'm alive at last! And I'm full of joy!"

... He stopped, I don't know if this is a good thing. I know it can't get any worse. He blinked and turned to face me.

"Minerva, where is Lupin? He said he was coming by today, I need to test him."

I just stared at him, I could not speak, and it was only breakfast.

"Fine. If you see the mongrel, tell him that I'm in my office." His last words before he turned to walk out. Unfortunatly that was when the doors flew open to reveal a haggard looking Remus Lupin.

"Minerva, where is Severus?" he gasped out.

I pointed to the wild haired Severus, whose hair was now short and spiky. He wore a t-shirt, blue jeans and oddly enough, glasses.

"If you change your mind, I'm the first in line, Honey, I'm still free, take a chance on me. If you need me let me know, gonna be around, if you've got no place to go when you're feeling down."

When Severus began to sing again, all of the students tried to bolt out of the Great Hall. However, while Severus seems to be under a spell, he can still seal the Great Hall doors. I groaned, because this meant that no one on the outside could get in, leaving me to deal with this mess.

"If you're all alone when the pretty birds have flown Honey, I'm still free, take a chance on me. Gonna do my very best, and it ain't no lie. If you put me to the test, if you let me try. Take a chance on me. Take a chance on me. We can go dancing."

He's singing to Remus! He was doing this weird hip swaying dance towards Remus.

"... what?!"

"As long as we're together. Listen to some music."

"You said we had to talk." Remus is getting the torture not me, I am so happy!

"You'd get to know me better." Severus' facial expressions would be funny, if he wasn't stalking some one.

"You said that you had test to run, we'd better get started right? In your lab?"

"You want me to leave it there."

"Severus, I'm afraid."

"But I think you know, that I can't let go." Severus placed a hand on Remus' shoulder.

Remus looked petrified, like he just ran into a Basilisk. Snape stared at him. Ripped his hand away.

"What do you think your doing Lupin? I need to have those tests done by today. Let's go."

Remus looked to me, I shook my head and held my hands up. Just then the doors flew open again to reveal the rest of the teachers and Mad Eye Moody. What is he doing here?

"Where is Albus?" Moody asked me. I waited, I knew something was going to happen... and it did. "Severus, at last, we see each other plain, `M'sieur le Snape,' you'll wear a different chain!" However this is not what I had expected, Moody singing to Severus.

"Before you say another word, Moody, before you chain me up like a slave again. Listen to me! There is something I must do. This woman leaves behind a suffering child." He pointed to a random female student. "There is none but me who can intercede, in Merlin's name, three days are all I need. Then I'll return, I pledge my word. Then I'll return..."

"You must think me mad! I've hunted you across the years, a man like you can never change, a man such as you."

I would have never thought Moody could sing. They were facing each other, obviously angry and singing at each other, it was quite a sight. I signalled Mr. Creevy to take pictures, why didn't I think of that before?

"Believe of me what you will, there is a duty that I'm sworn to do. You know nothing of my life, all I did was steal some bread. You know nothing of the world, you would sooner see me dead, but not before I see this justice done. I am warning you Moody, I'm a stronger man by far there is power in me yet, my race is not yet run. I am warning you Moody, there is nothing I won't dare if I have to kill you here, I'll do what must be done!"

"Men like you can never change, Men like you can never change. No. 24601. My duty's to the law - you have no rights, come with me 24601. Now the wheel has turned around, Severus Snape is nothing now. Dare you talk to me of crime and the price you had to pay. Every man is born in sin, every man must choose his way. You know nothing of Moody; I was born inside a jail, I was born with scum like you, I am from the gutter too!"

They sang together, but against each other, like a duet but not. It was rather interesting to hear, if not a tad scary. Severus pulled out his wand and threatened Moody.

"And this I swear to you tonight." Severus was looking at the female student that, according to the song, had a child.

"There is no place for you to hide." Moody.

"Your child will live within my care." Snape.

"Wherever you may hide away." Moody.

"And I will raise her to the light." Snape.

"I swear to you, I will be there!" Moody and Snape.

I believe this was a tie. Until Severus did the unthinkable.

"Stupefy!" ~thud~ Great, now I have to deal with a singing Severus, a petrified Remus, a urinated Weasley, a second year with a child that Severus is going to take care of, and a unconscious Malfoy and Moody. It is not a good day.

Sybil, with her ginormous glasses pulled out a pair of tweezers, when a thought came to me. Every time someone had entered the Great Hall Severus began to sing, I could take advantage of this.

"With my Mystical Uber–Powerful Instrument with the Utmost Divination Ability I will stop this carnage."

I was about to grab the tweezers when Severus got in front of me and snatched them out of her hand.

"Kill you all with my tweezers! Kill you all right here! Kill you all with my tweezers! Yes you've got a lot to fear! Rrraaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!!!"

... Damn that man! I was going to do it. Anyway, he did do it correctly, all the teachers and students ran away as fast as they could with a simple jab of a pair of tweezers. He turned back to me; we were the only ones left in the Great Hall, besides Moody but he doesn't count. He smiled, pocketed the tweezers and leaned towards me.

"Happy Birthday Minerva." He placed a kiss on my cheek, turned with a whoosh of his robes and left.

I stared at his retreating back, and all I could think was that I had awesome friends.

~terminus~

a/n: The first song is Epiphany by Stephen Sondheim from the Sweeney Todd Soundtrack, 2007. The Second is Take A Chance On Me by Abba from the Mamma Mia! Soundtrack, 2008. The Third is Confrontation by The Original London Cast of Les Miserables Soundtrack, 2004. The Last is from a video done by MissBroadwayDork entitled "MissBroadwayDork's Application For The Evil League of Evil!!".

And no this is not SS/MM, it is merely a birthday present from Severus to Minerva.

AND Snape did NOT impregnate any second year as that would be nasty, its just what the song said.