For me, the silence at the end of Never Again was one of the most profound and jerking moments that developed during the run of the show. The tense atmosphere created between Mulder and Scully was such a refreshing approach for two characters who were about to face huge challenges. Obviously, spoiler alert for Never Again and also the foreshadowing of cancer in Leonard Betts. Only a few chapters, still quite busy with the other project.
Mulder continued ramble, though she took no notice.
Despite the trials that had been overcome on this day, Scully was adamant in that she felt nothing at all. A bleak, grim cloud seemed to hover above her auburn laced head...she could not decipher what it was that seemed to be lurking around the corner, ready to pounce on her vitality.
Yet, the impending doom seemed to have another effect on her mentality. Often cautious and wary, the doors were now open to discover a sinister side, latent within her. She felt ready to embrace what may lie ahead with a morbid curiosity, and in a sense it frightened her.
And then she realized that a calm silence had fallen over the room. Once her senses had returned to reality, she spotted Mulder looking warily at her, attempting to avoid the situation at hand.
"Scully is this...is this all because I... I didn't get you a desk?" He asked, intimidated.
The confusion he felt at the moment was massive; he assumed that perhaps he had been making her feel insignificant with the office set up. This would be degrading to anyone, he contemplated, but more so to someone as strong willed as she could be. Mulder was also beginning to get the impression that she was keeping information from him, which distressed him more than her uncharacteristic behavior.
He waited anxiously to receive her answer. She did not ponder for long.
"Not everything is about you, Mulder...this is my life," she said slowly, quietly, and without much emotion, feeling freed as the words trickled from her mouth.
He felt the sting of her brutal honesty as though it sliced through his body. He, too, sat unemotional, not wishing to convey what he felt. The moment was made more uncomfortable with the fact that she sat there, still unmoved, and without adding to or suggesting remorse to her statement. She was surprised that she had done it with such peace of mind.
After a few moments, Scully raised and turned to leave the room; she effortlessly lacked the ability to look at him. Mulder remained sitting, though his eyes followed her out the door with an expression of shock and awe. "How did I let this happen?" he thought, taking full responsibility of his actions.
After a few seconds had passed he quickly got out of his seat and sauntered to the door, before the fear that resided within him prevented him from chasing after her. He paused for an extended period there, unsure of himself and the future of his partnership with Scully.
Scully, too, waited on the other side of the door, coming to grips with what she had done and debating if they should converse about what had just happened. Surprisingly, she did not wish to apologize. Her actions were honest, and though she had begun to feel ashamed for possibly injuring Mulder's feelings, she did not regret it. It was time that he received what she had done.
The time was ripe for change.
It did not take long for Scully to ignore what had just occurred between the two of them. Though she did not wish to forget, and aware they would talk it out eventually, she did long to avoid the situation for a while. As she climbed into her car, she began to debate her options for the evening. She refused to go home, considering it to be the very place that she would overthink as she often did, as well as the fact that it was so disgustingly typical.
The exhilarating state of her mood just a few days ago was due to the fact that she had been different. She wished to chase the desire to stray from her average life for once. But, in response, all of this misfortune had come from just that. It was as if fate forced her down, perhaps preparing her for something she could not yet imagine. The sense of dread was suffocating her once again.
She placed the key into the car, and her decision to go home was final despite the faint feeling that resided in the pit of her stomach.
However, Mulder remained in the office for quite some time. Unlike Scully, he did not wish to avoid pondering what had happened between them. It was tearing him apart, the lack of emotion she had projected was so unlike her. The guilt he felt only increased as the clock ticked away. He was aware that in a sense, perhaps he had been degrading her all along. The desk matter had only formed due to other issues. This was not her quest, but rather his obsession that she was forced to take part in.
The great things she could have been doing in her life where no stranger to him. Only now, for the first time, he feared she may choose to leave her burdens behind her and continue on with her own quest. A quest that did not involve Fox Mulder. This was a phenomenal source of discomfort for him. He did not wish for her to remain with him if she did not want to be there. If he truly respected her, he would have to let her go if it was what she desired.
Yet, a much larger issue was dwelling in his mind. Scully was very clearly withdrawing information from him. Of course it was not "need to know", and if she did not feel comfortable telling him what was on her mind, then it was her right to deny him access. But he had assumed that they were friends, and perhaps much closer than that word could ever mean.
Well, Scully was his friend. But that did not mean that he was hers.
Something under her calm exterior had bursted while he was in Graceland. Aware of this, and in desperation to remain normal, he avoided the situation and continued to act himself, humorous and without accountability. He had hoped that she would open up to him in response. He wanted his normal behavior to will her into her own normal behavior.
It had not worked.
Defeated and hurt, Mulder needed to talk with someone. The one and only person he wished for, however, was not within his reach at the moment. Helpless, he began searching the office and the next best thing had formed in his mind: Margaret Scully. He rather quickly picked up the phone and began dialing. She answered almost immediately.
"Hello?" she said, in a rather urgent and soft voice.
"Uh...this is Mulder, ma'am. How are you?" he asked, feeling rather stupid now that he had done it and was reverting to small talk.
"Mulder? Well, I'm fine. How are you?" she asked, her voice sounding tense and he sensed that she knew something was wrong. Of course, he thought to himself, it's not like you call her on the regular.
"I wanted to talk to you about Scully, if that's alright. I know this is a little on the random side," he said, his gruff voice hinting that he had been choked with emotion.
"About Dana? Is everything alright, Fox?" she said, motherly instinct kicking in.
"She's fine, she just left the office. It's just that...well she's been acting rather strange. I'm concerned about her," he admitted.
"Rather strange?" Mrs. Scully pushed on, waiting for Mulder to release as she knew he would.
"I feel like she's unhappy with her life choices, and I know she's even more unhappy with me. I know I'm responsible for both of those things, but I was wondering if she had talked to you about any of this?" he said, taking responsibility. Margaret's heart leaped; though she was at times weary of Mulder, but she knew him to be a good man. After all, he had been there with her all through Scully's disappearance. She would never forget that.
"No, she hasn't. I assumed she talked to you about most of her personal life?" she said, stating her belief that she assumed much more was going on between them. On any other occasion, Mulder would have gone slightly embarrassed if not proud of hearing this, but this was different.
"I assumed that she did too. I feel like she has a lot contained inside her...I was just hoping that if she had not talked to me, she had confided in you," he continued, head hung low, and his hurt blaring itself into the phone.
"I talk to her regularly, you know Dana, always independent and afraid of her emotions... But may I share something with you?" she asked, fear in her voice.
"...Of course," Mulder replied, concern rising in his chest.
"Perhaps it's just a mother's worrying tendencies, but I've been having the strangest dreams Fox. I fear that...Dana is not well," she explained softy. Mulder's attention was heightened.
"How do you mean?" he prodded.
"I'm not sure, it's just this feeling that I have. Please, don't tell her that we've spoke of this," she said, immediately fearful of what would happen if Scully realized that this conversation had occurred.
"I was just about to ask you the same thing. Your secret's safe with me," Mulder agreed, smiling slightly. He heard her chuckle on the other side of the line, though they were both far from happiness.
"Fox, please promise that you'll keep her safe?" she asked with bold intent. He was affected greatly.
"I won't let any harm come to her," he promised, voice heavy with emotion.
"Thank you. Goodbye, Fox, I'm glad that you chose to call me," she said.
"I really appreciate that there was someone to listen. Goodbye Mrs. Scully," he said, as they both hung up the phone.
Mulder grabbed his coat, determined that he would gather the courage to visit Scully.
Scully, now home for quite some time, had come to the conclusion that if she were going to spend the night alone, she would at least do it in style. Without hesitation she opened the refrigerator and took out an old, more than half full bottle of red wine, undoubtedly saved just for moments like this. The glasses in her cabinets were not often used, and seemed unfamiliar to her. She poured her glass full, and took the rest of the bottle with her as she walked into the living room to sit on the sofa.
She was aware that her frustration with Mulder had began to decline, although she was still far beyond normal. The bleakness continued to suffocate her, and confused her to no end. Made uncomfortable by this understanding, she reached for the remote, replacing her usual silence with television.
This, too, was replaced by a knocking at her door.
It was not a surprise, and she did not have to take a moment to guess who it was. Though she had not been expecting him, it did not matter. Somewhere, hidden inside her, she knew that this was necessary.
The inside of her was awaiting this, ever so slightly, and her stomach twisted in response to the anticipation. After taking a deep breath, she rose to open the door. Mulder was greeted by her staring into her wine glass, but it took a moment before she looked into his eyes. She almost looked ashamed, he thought, saddened not by her actions toward him but by her very existence, of which she was made so unhappy.
She, too, read his face after getting the courage to look into him. His puppy-dog eyes, lips pursed, and brow furrowed. The concern on his face could not be masked. It was often that when she had the privilege of gazing at this expression, she was filled with immediate regret and affection toward him.
Yet this time, she felt nothing.
"Hey, Scully," he said, low and clearly trying to remain calm.
"Come in," she replied.
Mulder's worries were intensified as he took notice not only of the wine and the television, but by the lack of warmth she had exuded when she ushered him inside. He knew her to be a compassionate, almost motherly figure, filled with care and sympathy. She motioned for him to sit down, before disappearing into the kitchen. He sat rigid, not sure if he had upset her by appearing at her door yet again, though sure that he desperately needed this conversation to sleep at night.
She entered the room after a few minutes, another wine glass in her hand. He graciously accepted it as a lighthearted attempt to lessen the grave expressions that were painted upon their faces. She poured him a glass, and handed it to him, before topping off her own yet again. He nodded as a matter of thanks, and she allowed herself to smile, ever so slightly, or so he would like to imagine.
"...How many glasses have you had tonight?" he asked after a few moments of silence, concern pouring out of him, as he realized the bottle was not very full.
"Not nearly enough to intoxicate me, if that's what you're asking," she replied in monotone.
He chuckled with nerves, though she did not. He moved positions so that he could face her, and began to look at her. She glared back when she noticed, not looking away as she so often did to complement her shy demeanor. They sat for a few moments like that, and Mulder became terrified that they were not reading each others faces as they always did.
She did not attempt to, yet he was reading hers, and there was nothing for him to see. He sighed, and she became aware of his intense distress.
"I want to apologize to you... I need to apologize to you," he said.
"For?" she asked, initiating him to speak more freely.
"I've made you feel insignificant, I've ignored you to pursue my own quests, even though I know you have your own. I've let you down, and I want you to know that you aren't alone in this," he said, words escaping him. It took her a moment to reply as she swirled her wine in its glass.
"...Alone in what?" she asked without seriousness, and he was aware that her attention was slipping yet again.
"In whatever it is that you're going through, Scully! I don't know what it is you're feeling, but I know something's wrong. You're keeping things from me," he accused, eyes dark, and losing his patience as well as allowing his emotions to escalate. She snapped back into reality once more.
"I...accept your apology," she mumbled, head hung low. She meant it, however, and he could tell. He took a deep breath.
"I'm glad that you can forgive me. But you aren't helping me to understand what's wrong," he said gently, and placed his hand under her chin, lifting her head to look into his eyes.
"Why?" she prodded, and felt more vulnerable than she had in years.
"So that I can fix this, whatever this is," he cooed.
"Mulder I don't know what it is," she said, choking on her words. Her eyes began to tear up and she wiped them away furiously. He said with patience, and was relieved to see that he had encountered an actual emotional response.
"There are times where I am so angry with you," she continued. "You need to understand that this is not our life. It's mine. Our opinions vary and we are very different people, and I love that, but sometimes you overestimate the control you have over me. It's self-righteous and selfish! I feel like I don't have control over myself anymore Mulder... I feel that there are things larger than myself at work here, and there's nothing I can do to stop it. It's not just you."
He was very obviously affected by what she had just said, but was more concerned on her admittance of fear than the complaints she had stated toward him. He remembered what Margaret had said earlier, and his concern seemed to double. What if they were right?
"Nothing you can do to stop what, Scully?" he urged, his eye intense and focused on understanding her dilemma.
"I don't know," she admitted with a sigh. "There seem to be malevolent events on the horizon, and it's like I'm heading straight for them. I can feel it, Mulder...! My God, I sound like Melissa."
"What do you think it could be?" he asked, intent on discovering her source of simply shook her head. She wanted to forget any of this and get back to normal.
"I'm sorry if I've caused you any inconvenience. I don't want you to worry," she explained.
"Scully, if you feel-" he began.
"-It doesn't matter what I feel. Emotional feelings and logic don't mix. I don't want to talk about this anymore" she interrupted, her tone final.
"...I understand, but please, don't push me away," he pleaded, after sighing. He knew that this was not over, but if it would allow her to return to normal once again, he would play along for her benefit. He had to respect her wishes, and made a pact with himself that he would try his best to work on his selfish tendencies.
"Thank you, Mulder," she said, still uneasy, but happily surprised that he had let it go with such ease. She knew, however, that he would not forget.
"Just promise me that the next time you and I have a personal issue, that we resolve it when it happens," he said seriously, changing the subject. She was grateful for this, and smiled.
"Let's never fight again" she said with feminine sarcasm, and a roll of her eyes, gaining parts of her old self moment by moment. He chuckled, happy that perhaps this would all be behind them.
"Scully, I'm serious. Our friendship is more important than our partnership," he opened up. She was touched and aware that this was becoming more personal than she would normally be comfortable with, but she embraced the moment regardless.
"I am sorry if I frightened you..." she explained. He grinned, thrilled that she had accepted him.
"You should be," he replied. He then glanced at his watch, aware that it was getting quite late. He didn't wish to leave, but out of respect for Scully, he knew it was time to go.
"It's getting late. I should let you get some sleep," he said, ready to get up.
"...We still have some wine left...and I've got more in the fridge," she hinted, before gesturing toward the bottle. He glanced at her, attempting to decipher if she was serious. He narrowed his eyes, the bliss inside him barely contained.
"Are you trying to seduce me? It might be working," he teased, though very open to his own suggestion.
"Shut up and drink, Mulder," she replied. She was not sure if she feared being alone yet again, in case the demons attempted to haunt her, or if she desired a partner so that she would not feel guilty for consuming so much alcohol.
She decided to let it go, and enjoy the rest of the night.
Lounging peacefully in bed and half awake, Scully felt the warm embrace of sunlight as it began to flicker through her window. Though at ease, a headache pounded at her temples, and her stomach murmured with queasy confusion. It was evident to her that she was slightly hung over, and her body was no doubt shocked at such careless consumption. She, too, was surprised that she had allowed herself to do that. It was all so...unlike her, just like everything else that was the cause of her distress.
Despite the conversation that had occurred between them on the previous night, Scully did not know if she truly felt better once she had confided to Mulder. It had seemed better at the time, but as she lay alone and pondered the events, she was not sure what continued to linger in her mind.
Her thoughts soon flashed to Ed Jerse, and the night they had spent together. It, too, was unlike her to jump into the arms of a man who she had no knowledge of, and with the awareness that she lacked the intention to pursue anything serious. Instinctively, she reached to graze the new tattoo that had claimed its spot on her backside, the symbol she had willingly acquired to make its permanent mark of the changes that she felt were looming ahead of her.
The tattoo, the bar, and the night of passion all seemed like distant memories in her mind, though she could not scrape away the dark vestiges that they had left behind.
A thrill rose within her body.
She clearly recalled the reason for which she had done all of these things: she was aware the Mulder would not approve. Not in the way that jealousy conjures disapproval, but more from a control standpoint. If she allowed herself to taste the exotic fruits of which she so often steered away from, she felt she was also allowing herself to express her independence. She had gained personal satisfaction through knowing Mulder himself would not condone such behavior.
She did not know if Mulder was aware of all that had happened during her time with Ed.
Sex, though not love making, had been the outcome of their time together, and it was good sex at that. Perhaps the quality she had discovered as most attractive in Ed was that she found him to be tortured by some unknown force, just as she was. There was empathy between them that they had both felt though never conversed about. Ed had also seemed to value her, and this was something that she felt was lacking in her other relationships with people...or rather, her single pre-existing friendship with Mulder.
As Ed caressed and kissed her, she felt the stress, fear, and distaste in her life melt away. Their bodies intertwined, and the heat radiating from each other, it seemed to Scully that perhaps they could be beneficial together. They had not worked to please each other, but rather worked to please themselves separately. This selfish realization had occurred to both of them at the time, and they rejoiced during that moment, giving in to the years of emotional hurt and feelings of insignificance. By focusing on themselves, it removed the complicated aspects of pleasure such as fear of rejection, and created a new sense of self-worth.
Sex in a committed relationship involved pressure and duty, among other things. Yet, sex for the sake of sex produced a rush of liberation. Scully felt as though she owed it to herself to participate, and she reaped the benefits alone. It was all quite invigorating.
When it was all over, there was no affectionate talk or promises made that could not be kept. After they had finished, they thanked each other with silence and fell asleep. In her previous relationships with Daniel and Ethan, she had never felt how Ed had made her feel. She had never felt the independence in which he allowed her to retain.
Of course, the events the next morning were far from pleasurable, but Scully had no regrets for that. It allowed her to return to her life after being offered a glimpse of what she had been missing. She did regret, however, returning to Mulder in the state that she was in. To be talked over and as though she were a child, with no particular interest in the things that had happened to her while he was away.
Yet, she also knew that Mulder had no intentions to belittle her, as it was just his nature. She was aware that he would make a conscious effort to change his habits for the sake of her sanity. It was her greatest hope that she had not hurt him too badly with the sting of her words. However, the confusion and hesitation that she felt about the future still remained. She decided to let it go, and allow whatever was at work to run its course without damaging too much of what was left of her.
After coming to this conclusion, she rose from her bed to explore the kitchen. She glanced down to see that she was still in her clothes from the previous night, only to ignore it as she continued on her quest to find something to eat. Naturally she was not hungry, but hoped that she could perhaps nibble toast or something light to ease her nausea.
As she exited her room, she was soon greeted by the discovery of a rather sloppy Mulder, face down on her couch. Shock and anxiety overcame her, as she was not aware that he had spent the night, nor was she aware of much that had happened after she had prompted him to stay. Looking back, she hoped in desperation that he had not taken it as a flirty gesture, and from the appearance of him on her couch, it seemed evident that he had not.
She tiptoed into the kitchen, prepared to make coffee now that her guest remained, and awaited his awakening.
Mulder found himself greeted by the warm smell of coffee as he began to come out of his slumber, somewhat confused and disoriented. It took a moment before he recalled the events of the previous night, and as he remembered, he smiled with groggy satisfaction.
Upon hearing the slight rustle of his body on the couch, Scully glided into the room with two cups filled of coffee to examine him, curious if he too was hung over. Mulder glanced as she entered before smiling, which allowed her to come to the conclusion that he had managed to remain sober, and she handed him the beverage. He smiled graciously before he placed his elbow on the arm rest and nestled his chin into his free hand. He chuckled slightly at her behavior as she sat on the chair next to him, and she glanced at him with annoyance.
"Well aren't you just full of surprises this week," he said, voice heavy with sleep and admiration painted on his face. Scully ignored the comment before taking a deep drink of the coffee in her hand, and Mulder mimicked her action.
"...Would you mind informing me of what happened last night?" she said, somewhat ashamed.
"Oh, you don't remember?" he taunted.
"Mulder," she warned dangerously.
"Don't worry Scully, you have nothing to feel ashamed of. In fact, you're a doll when you're intoxicated," he explained.
"A doll?" she prodded, eye brow raised. She smiled slightly at his attempt to be lighthearted.
"Yes, and you converse very easily," he continued, and she sensed something in his voice that made her cringe.
"How embarrassed should I be?" she asked. She did not wish to fathom what it was that she may have told him, especially with the things she had been experiencing as of late.
"Considering how long you and I have known each other, there's nothing you need to be embarrassed to tell me. I mean, I tell you everything Scully," he stated.
"...I know," she said, as she nodded her head. She could feel his disappointment with her, the very thing that she had wished to feel a few days ago. However, she now realized that he was the last person she wished to let down.
"In fact, up until a few days ago, I assumed you told me everything, too. I see now that that isn't the case," he admitted his distaste with the situation lightly. She began to ponder what it was that she could say in reply, but he continued.
"I have to respect that there are some things that you don't want to share. I just wish you didn't have to get drunk for me to understand your actions fully," he explained.
It clicked for her as soon as she processed the words, and regret formed within her: she had told Mulder about Ed Jerse. The events she had thought of this morning in bed where clear because she had stated the same things to Mulder last night. She felt sick with regret.
"...I don't know what to say, because I've apparently said it all. But I can promise you I don't feel that way now. I'm not bitter with you anymore. Ed and I took out our frustrations with each other, and once we had...finished...I think it was healthy for us," she said.
"You're allowed to do whatever or whoever you please, but it was not better for you once you were with him. You were still emotional, if not worse, when we had our discussion in the office than you had been while I was away," he began.
"What are you trying to say?" she urged, confused as to what he was trying to explain.
"I think the reason you feel better now, is because you communicated with me about what you had felt. I mean, it doesn't even have to be me, even though I would love that, it could be anyone...but if you don't start to express yourself, you're going to face severe consequences, mentally and emotionally. I think that may explain some of your distress," he stated.
It all made sense to her, and she was agitated that she had not noticed it prior to this moment. It did not make it easier for her, however. Mulder was not brutish, and was always open to the possibilities and willing to listen to whatever it was that she had to say. He had urged her, on more than one occasion, to open up, to which she either ignored or failed to put into action.
"...Although I can't remember, I can feel that it was good to talk it over," she said, incredulous at how simple it had been.
"I'm glad that you told me, Scully. I'm glad you let me listen," he said, his eyes pierced hers.
"I appreciate that I have someone like you in my life. It's comforting to know that you want to understand me. It must be very frustrating for you sometimes," she said, her best attempt to extend what it was that she felt inside to what she expressed on the outside.
"It is frustrating, but this isn't about me. I just want you to be at peace. That's all," he admitted, excited that she was had opened up, and in turn he took the opportunity to work on his selfish nature. Perhaps they could work on their own issues together.
"I think I can be Mulder, if you're willing to put up with me," she said. A melancholy smile fell upon his face in response, and he took note that perhaps all was not over. Yet he reasoned that for now, at this moment, it was enough to allow the both of them to be happy. He rose from his spot and reached for her cup, as they had both consumed their coffee. She smiled at him and handed it over, before she got up to follow him into the kitchen. As he poured, Scully looked into the refrigerator.
"Eggs and bacon?" she suggested. Mulder turned to look at her with suspicion.
"I didn't think you had much of an appetite," he questioned.
"I don't," she said, and she smiled at him with such joy that he felt his heart overflow with affection.
"Scully..." he cooed. She felt a rush of excitement.
"Scrambled or over easy?" she asked.
"I'm not going to be picky here, but if you're really trying to make your way into my heart, then scrambled is surely the way to do it," he suggested, thrilled at her kind gesture.
"I thought I was already in?" she questioned, and he winked in return.