Drowning in Darkness
by SlayersGrl

Summary: He was drowning in darkness and no one could hear him scream.

Disclaimer: Seeing as I wasn't even born when Doctor Who started airing, I can't possibly own it…
Author's note: Wow, 13 pages in one day? This story really wanted to be written… As always, feedback is greatly appreciated!

(Takes place somewhere between The Doctor Dances and Bad Wolf.)

"Where should we go today?" the Doctor asked, clasping his hands together in anticipation. "We could go to ancient Rome. I hear the chariot races are nice this time of year. Or there's this great marketplace on Sondora 3. Guaranteed to have anything you're looking for. And at least one thing you've never heard of."

"Something you've never heard of?" Rose asked incredulously.

"It's possible," the Doctor replied with a grin.

Jack decided to throw out his own suggestion. "Or we could check out New London in the 34th century. There's this great place…"

"Let me guess, lots of alcohol and loose lips," Rose interrupted.

"Something like that," he admitted. After all, weren't those the best places?

"Actually, I was thinking we could go see my mum."

The Doctor tried to hide his disappointment. He really wasn't in the mood today to deal with Jackie Tyler. But he must be getting soft in his old age. The sad, pleading look on Rose's face was weakening his resolve. And then Jack had to throw in his two cents.

"I haven't met your mum yet. I hear it's an interesting experience," he said as he glanced sideways at the Doctor.

"Just stay out of striking range," he muttered as he unknowingly rubbed at a phantom pain in his left cheek. He had hoped never to mention that incident to another living soul. But Rose had spilled the story to Jack one night over a bottle of ancient Hyperian whiskey. Jack hadn't stopped laughing for a week. It was quite disconcerting to see the former Time Agent giggling like an idiotic schoolgirl every time the Doctor looked in his direction.

"And don't you even think about flirting Jack Harkness! You just remember she's my mum," Rose added. That image was just wrong on so many levels.

"The thought never even crossed my mind," Jack insisted as he raised his hands in a placating gesture.

"That's because for you, flirting's an unconscious habit," the Doctor called out from his position beside the main console. He had grudgingly begun to enter their new destination.

"I swear," Jack replied while flashing Rose one of his most endearing smiles, "I only have eyes for you."

The Doctor rolled his eyes at the cheesy line. Rose simply laughed. "I've heard that before."

"Alright, London, early 21st century it is," the Doctor announced as he began flicking various switches on the console. Instinctively, his companions attached themselves to something solid and prepared for a bumpy landing. Within moments, the TARDIS had settled in its familiar spot near Jackie's flat.

Rose nearly bounded for the door. She grabbed Jack's hand and pulled him along behind her. She only stopped at the door when she realized the Doctor hadn't moved to follow them. "Aren't you coming?"

"Oh, I want to be nowhere near Jackie Tyler when she finds out you've been traveling with another man." Rose frowned at the suggestion that her mother might be less than pleased about her current traveling arrangement. Jack, on the other hand, looked absolutely horrified. It was as if he hadn't realized their living situation might be seen as somewhat improper according to early 21st century standards. He was not looking forward to being on the receiving end of the famous Tyler wrath. "Besides," the Doctor continued, "I have a few repairs I need to make on the TARDIS."

Sensing an opportunity, Jack immediately offered his assistance. But the Doctor declined his offer. Instead, he ordered the pair to go have fun and try to stay out of trouble because he really did have work to do and he didn't want to be interrupted just to go rescue them from another alien trap or some such nonsense. Then he practically shoved them out the door and told them not to come back until dark.

The two were somewhat shocked at being forcibly kicked out and banished for the rest of the day. Then Jack gave Rose a sly grin. "If he wanted some alone time with the TARDIS, all he had to do was ask." They couldn't help but laugh at the image of the Doctor absentmindedly stroking some random panel of his beloved time ship. Still laughing, Rose took Jack's hand and led him off to meet her mother.

The silence was a stark contrast from the light banter that had filled the TARDIS only moments earlier. For a moment, the Doctor regretted his decision to stay behind. But he really did have repairs to make unless he wanted his ship to rematerialize into a wall on some godforsaken moon.

Soon he was engrossed in his work. His hands deftly stripped wires and reconnected circuits. Every once in a while the TARDIS would beep or groan indicating his level of success. He had come to the conclusion long ago that she rather liked being in a state of disrepair. She never seemed to appreciate his repair attempts. It was as if she got a sense of pleasure at sending him off course on a regular basis and enjoyed having a good excuse for doing so. Of course, it could just be that she didn't appreciate his attempts at using improper materials to make massive repairs. It's not like he could go to a TARDIS repair yard and pick up spare parts.

He immediately shook his head to clear that particular line of thought. Working on his ship was supposed to be a distraction from his problems, not a golden opportunity to reminisce about them. Maybe he should have insisted on that trip to Sondora 3. Apparently shopping would have been a better distraction. He had a feeling he would appreciate a distraction right about now.

In an odd stroke of luck, the Doctor actually got his wish. Unfortunately, you don't always get exactly what you ask for. His much sought after distraction happened to come in the form of Jackie Tyler.

"Hello?" a tentative voice called out.

The Doctor was caught completely by surprise. He had been crouched on the floor, his head stuck under the console in order to better examine the wiring. The voice startled him and he immediately banged his head against the underside of the console.

Jackie followed the sudden stream of angry muttering and found the Doctor sitting on the floor rubbing his head. "Oh, there you are."

"Yes, here I am," he replied, wincing when he touched the sore spot on his scalp. Then he realized who was standing next to him. "Hold it, why are you here?"

"I, uh, came to see if you wanted something to eat. I mean, I figured with Rose and that nice Captain gone all day, you'd probably go and forget to eat." She then paused as she considered something. "I mean, I assume you eat. Real food that is. I haven't actually seen you eat anything though. Rose did say you'd have Sheppard's pie. But for all I know you only eat like once a year. Or before mating or something."

"Yes Jackie," the Doctor interrupted before her current line of thought went any further, "I eat. Real human food even. But I'm fine. I ate something earlier." He had in fact done nothing of the sort. But he didn't want Jackie to know that she had read him so well. "How did you get in here anyway?"

"Well, I knocked but I guess you didn't hear me. Then I tried the door and it was open."

The Doctor groaned inwardly. He decided he would need to have a discussion with his ship about letting people wander in whenever they felt like it. The door had a lock for a reason. Then his mind shifted gears again. If Jackie was here, where were Rose and Jack?

"They went with Mickey to see a movie," Jackie replied once he voiced his question. "Rose said she was gonna stop by and tell ya." He had a vague recollection of Rose popping her head in the door and yelling something about going to see some zombies. He had dismissed it as nonsense and then returned to his work.

"That's nice," he replied. Ducking his head back under the console, he hoped Jackie would take the hint and leave.

Apparently, she didn't have quite the same observation skills as her daughter. Or her telephone had exploded and she was really desperate for someone to talk to. Even if that someone was a nine hundred year old alien in a crazy time ship that was somewhat bigger on the inside than the outside.

"So how long are ya gonna stay this time?" she asked as she took a seat on the rickety couch.

"Not long," was the muffled response. Then the Doctor jumped up and moved over to the monitor to test his latest modifications.

Jackie simply nodded her head. She had expected that answer. "Well, I'm glad you stopped by to visit. Rose doesn't call often enough. I mean, the phone calls are nice. But it's just not the same as seeing her in person. It's nice having her home. And that man, Captain Jack. Now he's a charmer. Of course, I had to have a nice chat with him about proper boundaries…" The rest of her thought died on her lips once she looked over at the Doctor.

He was staring blankly at the screen in front of him, his hands tightly gripping the edge of the console. At first, she thought that he had simply spaced out on her, ignoring the ramblings of another stupid ape. But then she noticed the look in his eyes. It spoke of sadness and loss as well as something else, something even more disturbing. Complete and utter terror. But what was the Doctor afraid of?

"You alright?" she asked, tentatively placing a hand on his shoulder. She was surprised to feel him trembling slightly under her light touch.

The physical contact brought the Doctor out of his thoughts. The mask instantly slid back into place hiding the emotions that had risen to the surface only moments earlier. "I'm fine," he insisted. "But I'd be better if I could get some actual work done without all these distractions." He didn't bother to clarify that Jackie wasn't the particular distraction he was worried about. "So, if you don't mind…" he said as he rather rudely shuffled his visitor out the door.

Jackie just stared at the door in shock, unknowingly mirroring Rose and Jack from a few hours earlier. Finally, her mind rationalized it all under typical Doctor behavior. "If I was boring ya, all ya had to do was say so," she muttered as she strode back to her flat.

The Doctor leaned his head against the door taking several shuddering breaths. He had no idea what had just happened. But he wasn't too pleased that Jackie had been the one to witness it. It took several minutes to beat the memories back into hiding, to lock his emotions back into the box in the far recesses of his mind. But one thought lingered.

At least Rose has a home to return to.

Thankfully, the Doctor managed to spend the next few hours blissfully focused on repairing the TARDIS. He had just finished a mental check list of parts he would need for the next set of repairs when he stopped to check the time. Even if it was a particularly long movie, Rose and Jack should be back by now. Sticking his head out the door, he confirmed that it was indeed dark out.

They probably stopped for some chips. Or Jack convinced them to check out some pub. Or they were abducted by alien mercenaries looking for humans to sell into slavery. He dismissed the third scenario as paranoid delusions. But two minutes later he held the TARDIS phone in his hand, his fingers poised over the buttons. "I'm not going to call," he announced to the empty ship as he replaced the phone on the receiver. "I'm not their mother."

The next five minutes were spent casting furtive glances between the door and the phone. Finally, the Doctor relented and dialed the number. He was met with Rose's cheery voicemail instructing him to leave a message. She probably forgot to turn it back on once they left the movie. One last scenario appeared in his mind. Maybe they were just waiting for him at Jackie's?

He realized he could either pace the TARDIS waiting for his companions to show up or he could go find them. Never one to stand around and wait, the Doctor choose Option B. Moments later, Jackie was surprised to find him standing at her door.

"Is Rose back yet?" he asked.

"Not yet," Jackie replied, casting an appraising glance at the alien standing in her doorway. He looked to be back to his normal self, or whatever passed for normal for him. "They should be back soon though. You're welcome to come in and wait. I'll just fix ya a cup of tea." Without waiting for a response, she turned and headed to the kitchen, leaving the door open behind her.

The Doctor hesitated. Hadn't he come here so he didn't have to wait around? But Jackie hadn't really left him with an option for escape. He could already hear her preparing his tea in the kitchen. So he sighed and grudgingly took a seat on the couch to wait. He was slightly troubled to realize Jackie had made his tea exactly the way he liked it without even having to ask. He hoped Rose had simply mentioned it to her earlier. Otherwise, it was a disturbing indication that he was perhaps becoming too domestic for his liking. Or that he was more of an open book than he thought.

"You seem to be in a hurry to leave," Jackie said as she took a seat opposite him.

"Yeah well, things to do, places to see…"

Determined to keep the conversation going, Jackie added, "So how are the repairs going?"

"Fine thanks," was the terse response.

They were saved from any further awkward small talk by voices in the hallway. Rose, Jack and Mickey entered the tiny flat, laughter immediately filling the small space. "Did you have a good time?" the Doctor asked needlessly. He could tell by their expressions that they had enjoyed their day.

"Who knew Jack had never seen a good zombie flick?" Rose replied, giggling at Jack's confused expression.

"You think that movie was good? It was so unrealistic! Really, who goes into a room full of zombies with just a baseball bat and actually expects to walk away? Besides, they don't really eat your brains," Jack complained.

"It's just a movie Jack," Rose replied. "Fun entertainment. You're supposed to just go along with it and enjoy the cheesy special effects and overacting."

"It would have been a lot more fun if he hadn't kept shouting at the screen. I thought the rest of the audience was gonna lynch us!" Mickey countered. He had been surprised they hadn't been kicked out by the end of the film.

The Doctor stood in the corner calmly watching the three as they argued over various plot points of the movie. At one point he caught Rose's eye and she smiled, her infectious laughter lighting up the room. And he couldn't help but smile back. Not one of his goofy grins, but a real smile that actually reached his eyes. Standing in that crowded room at that moment made him realize how many reasons he had to be happy.

And all the reasons he had not to…

For a moment, he had let his guard down. He let himself believe he could be happy, that he could actually experience true joy after what he had done. Without warning, his carefully constructed walls came crashing down. In that instant, the suffocating darkness he had been barely holding at bay overwhelmed his senses. The memories washed over him. Death. Destruction. Sacrifice. Betrayal. His betrayal. The screams of a dying race consumed his mind.

He was drowning in darkness and no one could hear him scream.

Awareness returned slowly. He felt as if his head was filled with cotton. He tried to grab at random thoughts, but they effortlessly slipped through his grasp. So instead, he decided to focus on his immediate surroundings.

He knew he was lying in a bed. The fact that it wasn't his bed hadn't escaped him. He cautiously cracked open one eye to find himself in a sparsely lit room. A small stream of sunlight peaking through the window covering reflected harshly off the pink walls. Opening his other eye, he glanced to his left to see a familiar looking dresser. What was he doing in Rose's room? Furthermore, what was he doing in Rose's bed? And why did his head hurt?

Attempting to raise his right hand to rub at the gnawing headache revealed another piece of information. His hand appeared to be stuck. Looking over to the right, he quickly ascertained why. His fingers were intertwined with someone else's.

Rose had managed to find a rather awkward position to sleep in. One hand was wrapped around the Doctor's while her other arm was supporting her head. She was half kneeling, half sprawling on the floor, her stomach pressed against the side of the bed. However, it looked slightly more comfortable than the position Jack had found. He was sitting on a chair with one leg propped up on a partially opened drawer while the other was stretched out in front of him. His head was tilted backwards over the chair, his mouth hanging slightly open.

Normally, the whole scene would have been extremely amusing to the Doctor. That is, if he knew that this was just a typical consequence of a night spent raiding the liquor supply hidden in the TARDIS's kitchen. Although he couldn't remember what had happened the previous night, he knew alcohol had nothing to do with it.

As if she could sense his return to consciousness, Rose suddenly shifted and raised her head to meet the Doctor's questioning look. "You're awake," she stated as she attempted to rub the last vestiges of sleep out of her eyes.

"So I am," he replied. "Mind telling me what happened?"

She frowned. "I was hoping you could tell me."

Explanations were put on hold as the third member of the room joined the land of the conscious. Jack rolled his head to the right as he started to wake up. Then an instant later he snapped forward, his left leg slipping off the drawer and his hand reaching for his weapon. Then he realized where he was and he immediately relaxed back into the chair. "Good morning," Jack said as he noticed the other two staring at him. "Good to see you awake." He directed the last statement at the Doctor.

Rose filled him in on what she had learned so far. "He doesn't remember what happened."

Jack leaned forward on the chair, a thoughtful expression on face. "What do you remember?"

It took a few minutes to sort through the convoluted web of memories. "Zombies?" he replied uncertainly. Surely that couldn't be right.

"We were discussing a zombie movie we had gone to see," Rose clarified.

"That's right," he added as the memory became a little less fuzzy. "You were arguing about classic horror film stereotypes."

"And then?" Jack prompted after a lengthy pause.

And then it happened again; the surge of buried emotions, the tidal wave of painful memories. He had lost it right in the middle of Jackie's living room for everyone to see. "I guess I passed out." Because Time Lords sure as hell didn't faint.

The furtive glance between the other two indicated that he done a little more than just pass out. "You were having some sort of… panic attack." Rose said hesitantly. She wasn't exactly sure if that was the right word for what had happened.

"You were shaking and gasping, like you couldn't breathe. And then you started screaming in some weird language. The TARDIS wouldn't translate it. And then you just fell unconscious," Jack clarified. He was hoping the Doctor would be able to make sense of his symptoms because he had no clue what was going on. He had scanned him for any obvious physical reasons for the attack, but nothing had showed up.

"I did?" the Doctor asked. He figured feigning ignorance was his best option. It was either that or tell them the truth. And he wasn't quite ready to face his inner demons just yet.

"Yeah, you did." Rose studied the Doctor closely. He was hiding something, of that she was certain. "Doctor, what's going on?"

"I'm sure it's nothing," he replied, a fake smile plastered on his face. "I was probably just tired. I can't remember the last time I actually slept." It was a terrible lie, but it was all he could come up on such short notice. He just hoped his companions would drop it and move on. Whatever had happened had happened. He was fine now. And he was determined it wouldn't happen again.

Realizing the Doctor wasn't going to discuss the incident, at least not right now, Rose and Jack silently agreed to drop the subject for the time being. After all, one freak incident wasn't necessarily an indicator of a more long term problem. Maybe he really did just need some sleep. But either way, they were determined to keep a close eye on him.

"You sure you're alright?" Rose asked for the fourth time.

And for the fourth time, the Doctor replied, "I'm fine." He figured that maybe if he kept saying it, she might actually believe him.

"So," he added, his voice carrying an artificial sound of excitement. "Where do we want to go?"

Yet another furtive glance. He knew those two were plotting against him. "I was thinking that maybe we could just stay in the vortex for a little while," Jack finally replied. "I could help you with the TARDIS."

So they didn't trust him. They thought he might lose it again. Well, he couldn't blame them. He didn't exactly trust himself. He had been hoping they could go rushing off to save the world yet again. A good jeopardy friendly distraction would be nice. But to be honest, he wasn't entirely certain he wouldn't just keel over during their inevitable dash back to the ship and start screaming about burning ghosts. "Fine," he said as he set the ship to stay in its current location.

He then began spouting off a list of parts and tools they would need to get to work. If Jack wanted to work on the TARDIS, then they were going to work on the TARDIS. And his companions could observe and analyze him all they wanted. He would just have to prove that he could focus and stay in control.

The next several hours passed without major incident. Well, that's if you don't count sparking control panels and small localized fires as major incidents. Which were pretty much routine on the TARDIS. To cover up the awkward tension, Rose and Jack had started talking about whatever came to mind. At first they just talked about movies and music and other pop culture from their particular time periods. When those topics dried up, they started talking about the various places each had visited as a time traveler.

Occasionally, the Doctor would throw in a comment or two. Or he would interrupt to discuss some aspect of the repair they were currently engrossed with. For the most part, the Doctor simply let the other two talk. It was nice to lose himself in the comfortable ebb and flow of a conversation between two friends. It was as if yesterday had never happened.

"So, in gratitude for my services," Jack concluded, ignoring Rose's laugh at his choice of words, "they named their bar after me."

"The 'Captain Jack'. We should go visit some time," Rose replied.

"Mmm," Jack murmured, his mood suddenly dampened. "It's a shame it didn't last very long."

"What, they realized naming a bar after a one night stand probably wasn't a good idea?"

"No. The place was destroyed about six months after it opened," Jack replied softly.

"Destroyed? Like it burnt down or something?"

Jack fiddled with a piece of wire in his hand. He should have known Rose would ask the difficult questions. "Actually, the entire planet was destroyed."

The Doctor froze, the amusing tale suddenly hitting too close to home. "Just change the topic…" he pleaded silently.

"What happened to it?" Rose, always asking the right questions.

"Not sure exactly," Jack replied, his thoughts straying back to the sight of the tropical tourist planet reduced to tiny space rubble. "Just one day it was gone, disintegrated into nothing."

Another silent victim of the Time War. Yet another sin to bear. How many lives lost? How many souls had he failed to save? How many more voices must he hear screaming at him? Murderer. Coward. He couldn't save any of them. Not even his own people. He had watched them burn. Had felt them die. Not only had he destroyed them with his own hands, but he had then committed the ultimate betrayal. He had lived. The Doctor. Betrayer. Destroyer of Worlds.

The Doctor was so consumed by his self-recriminations that he didn't notice Jack shaking him. He didn't notice Rose pleading with him, begging him to snap out of it. He didn't realize he was muttering whispered apologies to a long dead race. He didn't hear the soul piercing scream that filled the room at the memory of his former home being erased from time and space.

After what seemed like an eternity, the Doctor finally slipped into unconsciousness. Jack caught him as he fell and then silently hefted him onto his shoulder and took off for the med room. Rose was right behind him, worry etched into her youthful features.

Even with the TARDIS's advanced equipment, they couldn't detect any physical explanation for the Doctor's condition. He was showing physical symptoms of stress but there was no obvious underlying cause. Which meant that there wasn't going to be an easy fix. The Doctor was close to having a serious mental and emotional breakdown. Rose and Jack were going to have to find a way to help him before it killed him.

And their last topic of conversation had given them a clear picture of exactly which demons were plaguing the Doctor. But they had very little details to go on. They knew that his home planet had been destroyed in the Time War. The Time Lords had sacrificed themselves to destroy the Daleks. And the Doctor was the only survivor.

Post-traumatic stress? Survivor's guilt? Or was it something more? Were they missing some piece of the puzzle? One thing was certain. They needed to get him to talk. He needed to confront his past before it consumed him.

So they waited, another silent bedside vigil waiting for the Doctor to wake up. Only this time there would be no escape. He was going to talk about it whether he liked it or not.

Yet again, awareness was slow to return. His brain was filled with a thick fog and he found it hard to concentrate. Everything was jumbled and confused. He was filled with a sense of foreboding that he didn't really want to return to reality just yet. But the voices had other plans.

"Come on Doctor. It's time to wake up," a male voice floated through his thoughts.

Then a soft female voice invaded his mind. "It's okay. We're going to help you."

He knew he should recognize those voices. But he was finding it difficult to match the voice with a face. Eventually, he gave up and simply opened his eyes. He was immediately assaulted with the worried expressions of his two companions.

"Hi," Rose said, hoping her voice sounded encouraging. She was shocked by the look of despair buried deep in the Doctor's eyes. They were going to have to get through to him quickly.

It took a moment for the pieces to fall into place. "It happened again," he stated.

Rose simply nodded in confirmation. Then she watched in horror as his eyes began to glaze over. He was losing himself again. "Doctor! I need you to focus on me. Just listen to the sound of my voice. Ignore everything else." And then she began to talk about all of the moments they had shared ever since that fateful first meeting in the basement. She spoke of everything and nothing. She told him about the many times they had saved the world and about the times they had celebrated with chips. Eventually she lost track of what she was saying. She just knew she needed to keep talking. Slowly, the shaking subsided and the breathing evened out. It was then that she noticed the Doctor's arms wrapped tightly around her as if desperately gripping his last anchor of sanity. And wrapped around the both of them was Jack, his silent strength a welcome presence.

"Let us help you," Rose whispered.

"You need to talk about it," Jack added, his voice slightly more steady than Rose's. "Before it destroys you."

He didn't want to talk about it. He didn't want to relieve every horrific moment leading up to the destruction of Gallifrey. And he certainly didn't want them to know his terrible secret. Which was why he was surprised to hear words flowing from his mouth. "They're all dead."

"I know," Rose whispered, pulling him closer. "I'm sorry."

"I watched everything burn. Reduced to ash right in front of me. And it's all my fault."

"No, it's not," she said automatically.

"But it is." The level of conviction in his voice shocked her.

"Why? Why is it your fault?" Jack asked.

"Because I'm the one who made it happen. I pushed the button. I killed them all." He practically yelled the last statement. There, he had finally admitted it. He had committed genocide against not one but two races. His hands were stained with the blood of millions. Now they knew the depths of his sins. The Doctor, the great destroyer.

He braced himself for their response. He waited for the anger, the horror, and the disgust. He waited for the comforting arms to disappear, for his last pieces of hope to abandon him. He didn't deserve happiness, after what he had done. He didn't deserve people like Jack. Like Rose.

After what felt like eternity, he was surprised to feel the embrace tighten. "You had no choice," Jack said, his voice filled with unwavering certainty. "The Daleks would have destroyed everyone. Everything. You made the right choice. Sacrifice the few to save the many. It's not easy. And it's not fair. But it had to happen."

"But why did I have to live?"

"So you could save the world," Rose answered. "Over and over again. You have so much good left to do. I know you Doctor. You're no longer that soldier fighting a losing battle against the Daleks. You're just trying to do what's right. You're making decisions when no one else will. You have so much compassion, especially for us silly apes. We should have destroyed ourselves a thousand times over. But you won't give up on us. You jump in to save the day. And the human race lives on, completely unaware."

She then raises his chin with her hand, his gaze finally meeting hers. "I know you look at yourself and see The Doctor, Last Survivor of the Time War. But you know what I see? The Doctor, Defender of the Human Race."

"We're not going to let you drown yourself in guilt," Jack added.

"We won't abandon you. We're here to help you, now and forever," Rose whispered.

The Doctor finally felt some of the guilt lifted from his shoulders. They knew his dirty little secret and yet they still refused to abandon him. He knew he shouldn't have their love. But he would accept the precious gift he was being given. He knew it could never last forever, but he could live with now. He had lost his past and his future was uncertain. But the present was looking rather good. He had his TARDIS, he had Jack, and he had Rose. For the first time in a long time, the last of the Time Lords saw a light at the end of the long tunnel of life.