Methods of Amusement

~Chapter One~

Reality Check

"Okay, are you ready Kale? Ready… set… go! One… two… three…"

The sound of the small, giggling boy running off reaches my ears from across the small clearing. Grass and low branches rustle as he rushes past them. I can hear it as he enters the thickness of the forest behind the house we reside in.

"… nineteen… twenty! Ready or not, here I come!" I finish counting and call loudly, but not so loud as to alert our father as to what we are doing. I spin around with a playful grin on my face as my eyes sweep the area around me. There are very few places he could hide outside of the forest and near the house, and he doesn't seem to be in the places where he could hide.

"I'm going to find you!" I call out in a sing-song voice, imagining the delighted and alarmed squeal my brother would no doubt let loose if he heard me. I walk around the garden with a skip in my step, putting on a show in case he's somewhere where he can see me. Once I've made sure he is in none of the hiding places around the house and I can no longer prolong looking in the forest for him, I spin around and enter the thick, verdant greenery that mostly surround the house.

There aren't that many hiding places that a six-year-old could make use of in this forest, and Kale knows that he's not allowed past a certain point in case he gets lost. Besides, I know all the hiding spots he frequents. My mind conjures up an image of the small golden-haired boy crouched behind the two big boulders lining the path that branches off to the left of this one, trying to hold in his giggles so he isn't found. Another image pops up of him standing up as straight as he can, back pressed completely against the massive trunk of the oak tree not far from here, a massive grin stretching his lips, big green eyes alight with child-like joy and mischief.

A grin slips onto my face just at the thought of the little bundle of trouble. He is my world, and basically the only reason I haven't run away from this place yet.

"Kaaaaaaaaaaaaaaale! I'm coming to get youuuuu!" I call out with a little laugh.

I make my way to where the boulders are, and jump behind them in a way to scare Kale. But he's not there, and I ponder where to go next before heading towards the massive oak tree. These two are the two places he frequents the most when playing this game. Once I get there, I'm only slightly surprised to see he isn't there either. I search the surrounding shrubs, but he's nowhere to be seen. Ha, the little twerp has gotten better at hiding.

I feel a slight sense of pride as I proceed to search the other places I have caught him hiding before. I don't see him at any of the places, and slowly but surely my sense of pride turns into apprehension and worry.

"Kale!" I call once more, keeping the worry out of my tone and making myself sound playful. "Come out, come out wherever you are!"

Suddenly an idea of where he might be pops into my head and I start towards the place with a renewed vigor. About halfway there I hear the bush next to me rustle loudly, like there's something big hiding in there. My eyes zero in on it and a smirk slips onto my face, and I creep forward.

"Kale…" I murmur, grinning. "I found you… RAAH!"

But when I land on the shrub and proceed to search it, there is nothing there. "Huh," I mutter to myself, sitting back. "I could've sworn he was here."

There is a rustling to my left, and I think I hear a little giggle. Oh, so the little twerp moved before I caught him. I'll get him this time!

Once more, I creep up to the bush and then pounce, only to be met by an empty spot. Then there is more rustling, and so the process is repeated another four or five times. Finally, I flop onto the ground and marvel at the fact that the little shit has managed to evade me thus far, and not given himself away.

Once more, there is a rustling noise, and this time my eyes narrow in determination. I will not be beaten by a six-year-old! Slowly, so slowly, I creep towards the bush on my hands and knees, all the while making sure my black and white striped tights aren't being dirtied too much. Finally, once I'm close enough, I make a dive at it.

… And knock it completely over a ledge and into a huge, deep hole, unwittingly getting tangled up and bringing myself with it.

A shriek of alarm is torn from my lips as air rushes past me and I fall down this huge hole that appeared out of nowhere. There are shelves and everything that line the walls, donned with alarm clocks and knick knacks of all kinds. A thought pops up idly that there is something bizarrely familiar about this situation, but I can't seem to put my finger on it at the moment as most of my thought process is focused on the fact that I'm falling down some sort of infinitely deep hole.

The bush I brought down with me disappeared some time ago, and I wonder idly what exactly happened to it. Then a sudden thought occurs to me and alarm fills me as I realize that whether I like it or not, I'm going to land soon and most likely die.

I'm a little caught up on the "most likely die" bit.

I let out a small noise as I struggle to angle my body enough to see below me. I thank the heavens I'm not afraid of heights, because this is enough to traumatize someone who isn't, let alone someone who is.

All that greets me is blackness, but soon a light appears, growing rapidly. I close my eyes tightly and prepare myself for the pain of landing by curling into a ball and trying to reduce my size as much as possible. I've heard that sometimes that helps, something about reducing the surface area that's going to come into contact with the ground, or something like that.

All of a sudden the rushing air stops, and I am engulfed by heat. I hug myself tighter and wonder if this is what it feels like to die. But something is tickling my skin gently, like grass, and I'm pretty sure you don't feel that when you're dead. Slowly, I open one eye, and then the other, proceeding to peer around before sitting up. I'm in a small clearing filled with the silkiest, greenest grass I've ever seen and random, bright flowers all over the place. My eyes are wide as they see a flower near my left hand that is spotted purple and orange, with the stem striped light and dark green. I don't think I've ever seen a flower like that before. I peer around to see other uniquely patterned flowers, each bizarrely coloured and shaped in their own way.

I close my mouth once I realize it's been hanging open, and struggle to stand. My legs shake a little, but soon they're fine and stable as usual. What is this place? I dust off my vertically striped stockings, and adjust my short black flare shorts with buttons. Then I fix up my white singlet and black, vintage-like vest over it. My knee-high black converse boots are completely fine and barely scuffed up. Which I am overjoyed at.

I cross one leg over the other and scratch the back of my neck as I take a good look around. Thick, verdant forest surrounds me on all sides, with the clear, cerulean sky right above it. The sun sits about midway across the vastness of blue, indicating midday.

Well then, that's only slightly confusing, considering the fact that it was afternoon and nearing dusk when I was playing with Kale…

Kale!

Alarm and panic grips at me as I realise that not only do I have absolutely no flipping idea where I am, but also Kale is now by himself and doesn't know where I've gone! I pray to god and whatever deity will listen that he has the common sense to go back inside after a while.

I pull my hair as I try and think of ways to get back. Maybe I could try and climb back up the hole. I look above me, expecting to see a hole despite the fact that I looked up only a minute ago and all that greeted me was blue sky and sun. My heart sinks as I see what I saw before; no hole.

I begin to pace, having absolutely no idea what to do next. Climbing back up the hole seemed like the only legitimate idea, and now I'm stumped. My mind is blank, and in a fit of frustration I kick at a rock. The decent-sized lump of earth sails through the air in a large, high arc and into the forest.

It leaves my mind completely as it disappears from sight, only for me to hear a loud cry of pain a split-second later.

"OW~!"

I flinch, wanting to apologize on instinct to whoever I hit with that rock. But with the mood I'm in, I simply huff and cross my arms. Serves the jerk right, I didn't ask them to walk right into the line of fire. I mean, one has to be on their guard constantly in case they are suddenly assaulted by unidentified flying objects. So this wouldn't have happened if they were on their guard.

Wait! If the rock I kicked hit someone, then there must be someone else here! Someone I can ask how to get back home. Without a second thought I run towards where I heard the person cry out.

"Hey!" I call, without thinking. "Hey, you!"

I burst through a thicket of shrubbery and skid to a stop, met by the sight of a man with straight, wayward white hair and glasses with what look to be… bunny… ears… on his head. He is dressed kind of strange, like he's wearing a costume or something. He has a red and black dress jacket, and a shirt with strange frills, and dress pants. He reminds me somewhat of some cosplayers I've seen on my adventures perusing the internet.

His pink-rose coloured eyes light when they see me. "Aha! Found you! I wasn't sure where you landed, so I came looking!"

What he says pretty much goes in one ear and out the other, completely ignored by me. Call it what you like, but it's not selective hearing. "Hey, tell me how to get back home."

"You must drink this, right away!" he says, producing a glass vial with a heart stopper and swishy liquid in it out of his pocket. I give him a look, a real good dubious one. He seems to have selec— ahem, defective hearing as well.

"I'm not drinking that. Do you know how many given rules of common sense and life that would be defying?!" I ask him, leaning back with a fishnet-gloved hand on my hip. My other hand twirls in the air in intricate hand gestures as I continue. "There's no way I'm drinking that."

This dude can try all he wants, that liquid ain't touchin' my lips.

A smile stretches this guy's lips, and it's a pleasantly deceptive smile that makes me uneasy. But I hold my ground, crossing my arms defiantly. "Okay then, I see I have no other choice!"

With that, he downs the entire contents of the vial, making my mouth drop open. That's not what I thought he would do. Well, at least now I know it's not poison, or drugged or anything like that—

My thought process stops abruptly as the guy lunges at me and grips my shoulders, taking me by surprise, and then proceeds to plant his lips on mine. My eyes go impossibly wide and my mouth opens on instinct to yell at him. He takes the opportunity to force the contents of the vial into my mouth while pinching my nose, cutting off all air supply.

A deep, deep pit of anger begins to form in my stomach as I am forced to swallow the liquid. It's bitter against my tongue and feels weird going down my throat, like it's moving by itself. The feeling is disgusting and disturbing on several levels.

Finally, there is no more liquid left to be forced down my throat and the man pulls away, letting go of my nose and allowing sweet air to rush to my lungs. I gasp in breaths, falling to my knees as I pant. I stick the stupid jerk with a glare that I hope scares him.

"You… stupid… jerk!" I croak out past my sore throat and protesting lungs. If I didn't need to breathe so badly right now I'd so be ripping him a new one.

The guy is unfazed, much to my disappointment, acting as though I didn't even speak. A grin stretches his lips, like I wasn't just violated on several different levels.

"Aww~ that's adorable! Yes, Alice will surely love me now—"

"I'll freaking kill you!" I shout venomously, outraged at the words coming out of his mouth. I lunge at him, arms outstretched in an attempt to either hit him or strangle him, whichever comes first.

The guy has the nerve to laugh, actually laugh, until I run towards him with a murderous gleam in my eyes. His grin quickly falls and he looks terrified as he turns and runs away from my rapidly advancing form.

"You stupid perverted little Schneizel!" I shout after him, gaining on him a little. I barely pay attention to the big fluffy thing on his butt that looks strangely like a bunny tail, instead picking up rocks and twigs along the way and lobbing them at him as hard as I can.

"H-hey, now! Y-you're not meant to be violent! Gifts shouldn't be violent!" the stupid rabbit-dress-upper cries in fear. "Stop trying to hurt me!"

"Make me, jerk!" I respond snappily as I pursue him through the forest. Funnily enough, we soon find a path and he legs it down there.

I have no idea how long I run after him for, but eventually we near some sort of clearing.

"You stupid creepy tall freaking rabbit-guy!" my anger is still going strong as I gain on him a little more.

"No! Bad gift! Stop— stop trying to kill me!" the rabbit-guy wails so pathetically I would almost feel sorry for him if I weren't so mad.

"Stop calling me a gift!" I explode as we burst through the clearing and I lunge at him. "I'm not some freaking possession!"

"But that's why—OOF!"

He skids along the ground a little on his front as I force him forward with my knees from the force of my lunge. He stops face down in the grass as I straddle his back, forcing all of my weight down on him. My knees are either side of his abdomen, and on an impulse I lean forward and grab one of the strangely still standing white rabbit ears poking up through his hair. I came to the conclusion while running after him that they were either glued on real good or actual real ears, and that no matter which one it would still hurt tremendously if I yanked them.

So that's what I do. I pull it and he cries out in pain, whimpering into the ground and trying to get me off.

"Now, how about we go over the fact that most girls don't like drinking strange liquids from a strange guy's mouth!" I growl, pulling the ear close to me and tugging a little.

"OW OW OW OWIE!" the rabbit –as I have now come to the conclusion that his ears are real— cries in pain, like a small child. It kinda makes me feel bad but my anger has not diffused yet.

"THAT'S RIGHT! IT HURTS, DOESN'T IT?! IF YOU DO ANYTHING LIKE THAT TO ME EVER AGAIN I'LL HURT YOU SO BAD YOUR GREAT-GREAT-GREAT GRANDCHILDREN FEEL IT!" I yell, pulling the appendage even more. "Now APOLOGISE!"

"I'm sorry! I'M SO SORRY!" the rabbit beneath me sobs brokenly, trying desperately to salvage his ear.

"Good. Now that you've learned your lesson, skedaddle!" I release the rabbit, anger quelled sufficiently for now.

I cross my arms and watch as the rabbit scrambles to his feet before bolting away faster than I've ever seen anyone bolt before. Satisfied for now, I stretch my arms and turn around, promptly freezing on the spot.

I wasn't aware I had an audience. Eh heh heh… Oh god.

"Wow, Onee-chan! You really made that stinky rabbit scram!" one of the two identical battleaxe-wielding boys in front of me exclaims with a big smile on his face. I idly remember from one of my primary school Japanese classes that Onee-chan means something like big sister. My thoughts tear back to the matter at hand.

Now, it might just be me, but I don't think it's normal for young boys to be running around with sharp, dangerous weapons such as battleaxes and look that wickedly happy about it.

"Uh…" I'm speechless a moment, but then quickly recover, feeling the not-so-strange need to appease these boys interests. I can tell they're dangerous, and something tells me they wouldn't even hesitate in taking a swing or two at me with those axes. "Why thank you. It's not every day you get the opportunity to beat up some pervert who made you drink something strange."

The twins grin big and wide with a small giggle. "Onee-chan is funny!" the other twin says, the one dressed in the blue version of the uniform they both wear.

"I do try. And my, those are some wicked weapons you got there!" despite the nervousness leaking into my tone a little I'm not entirely lying; you've got to admire the flawless curve of the blade and the polished gleam created by fine finesse. "I don't think I've ever seen some as awesome as those!"

Both of the boys' faces light up. "Really? We have lots different weapons but these are our favourite!"

"Onee-chan, you must come and have a look so we can show you and you can play with us!"

I think our definitions of the word 'play' may differentiate just a little bit.

"Oh, I would love to! But I have to be somewhere else, so…" I act sad at the end.

"Aww, Onee-chan! Please play with us!" the twin in the red runs up to me to latch onto my right arm and look up at me pleadingly with big ruby eyes. I waver a little, becoming that little bit less uncomfortable. He's so adorable!

"Yeah, Onee-chan! Please?" the other twin joins the first and latches onto my free arm, joining his brother in gazing up at me with big, pleading sapphire eyes. I think I can feel my heart melting a little.

I twist my arms so they are around their necks in a playful manner, much like I'd do to a little brother. Something nabs at my mind but I brush it away for the time being. I give them both a big grin and crouch down to their height.

"I can't stay now, you little twerps. But how about we make a deal?" I say, and both boys nod only looking slightly down. "You come find me at any other time and if you catch me, then I'll play with you. If you don't catch me… well you're just gonna have to keep trying, aren't you?"

At the mention of the little game their faces lit up in excitement and they nod rigorously.

"That sounds like fun!"

"You're a fun Onee-chan!"

I grin, basking in the praise. "I know. There aren't many people who are as awesome as me."

The twins giggle and I stand up. "Now, point me in the direction of the most fun place you know!"

They both simultaneously point a little behind them to the far right for me, and far left for them. I grin and say bye before heading in the direction they pointed and listening to them call out "See you later, Onee-chan!"

Stay calm. Just keep walking. Come on, you can do it.

Calmly.

Calmly.

Calm—ah, crap balls. I don't think I can do this!

I walk away as calmly and coolly as possible until I'm out of sight, when I promptly leg it and follow a path that vaguely heads in the direction they pointed. That was one of the weirdest experiences of my life, and I probably should have felt less comfortable than I did dealing with two axe-happy looking little boys.

"This is stupid. Where the hell am I, anyway?" I mutter to myself as I continue along the path.

"That's a question I often ask myself!"

I jump several feet in the air from fright as someone speaks on my left. I whip around; my eyes searching for the body that voice belongs to. A man, not much older than me, with light brown hair and pretty rose-coloured eyes is leaning against the trunk of a tree with a big friendly smile on his face. He is dressed similarly to the rabbit-guy from earlier, but also completely different in a way. His red and black coat is longer, and he is wearing boots over black pants. A long, broad sword sits in its scabbard, held up by the belt slung around his hips.

A very slight uneasy feeling rests in my stomach. This guy doesn't seem that bad, but I should probably try to avoid offending him. This place seems a little topsy turvy.

"Oh. Is that so?" I say, crossing my arms and leaning back a little. I slip an easy smile onto my face. "You don't seem like the type to get lost often."

He laughs, which I take as a good sign. I relax a little, the conversation coming a little easier to me.

"I've been told I have no sense of direction, but I know where I'm going most of the time!" he laughs again, standing up straight. "You seem fun, and you have a face so you can't be a faceless. What role do you play?"

I mentally blanch. Faceless? Role? "Uh… 'role'?"

"Yeah, role." he laughs, grinning suddenly with a look of sudden realization. "Oh, I get it! You want to play a game, like a guessing game!"

Confusion sweeps through me. "What? No, I—"

"Hmmm, lets see… Oh! Are you with the mafia?" he asks, seeming excited at the prospect of getting it right. His rosy eyes are lit up like a child's on Christmas.

"M-mafia?!" I ask incredulously, not sure I heard him right. Unconsciously I begin backing up.

"Oh, so not the mafia. Hmmm…." He looks deep in thought before he suddenly notices my retreating form. "Hey, where are you going? Aha, I know! You don't want to play a guessing game, you want to play tag!"

"Tag—?! GAH!" I spin around and leg it immediately when he runs at me with this huge, childishly excited grin on his face, arms outstretched.

I don't hold back, I run as fast as I can off the path and into the forest, hoping to lose this guy. But it is to no avail, I can still hear his jubilant laughter behind me. As he tails me through the thickness of the forest, my legs begin to ache and feel weak. Horrified at my own body's reactions, I push on further, dodging and weaving between strange trees and shrubs.

"Stop chasing me~!" I cry in protest, causing the guy to laugh once more. My eyes widen in incredulity. What is wrong with this guy?! Is he even sane?

"Ha hah haha! You're really getting into the game, this is so much fun!" he croons joyously.

To my absolute horror I trip and stumble, but somehow manage to continue running. "Shite!" I curse, trying to speed up despite my slightly heavy limbs. What has come over me?! I was fine before but now I feel like I haven't slept in days and my whole body aches with fatigue.

"I've almost got you~~!" he cries triumphantly, sounding closer than before. My entire colourful vocabulary is let loose as I mentally curse and try even harder to evade. Trees and branches whip past me. Out of nowhere I round a corner before swerving sharply and rounding a tree trunk, hiding behind it. I hold my breath and listen as the sound of the guy rushing past reaches my ears and I see his retreating, joyous figure.

Heavy, laborious breaths force past my lips as I pant and lean heavily against the tree trunk once he disappears from sight.

What is this place?

This isn't my first story ever, but my first Heart no Kuni no Alice one. I was inspired to write after reading ones like Teasing of the Heart, Cheezy Love and Shattered Clock by peekodemeeko12. I am in love with those right now. Like really, I haven't gotten any sleep because of them. Anyway~ I hope this doesn't disappoint too much. I really appreciate reviews and favourites and all those things that make you feel warm and fuzzy on the inside so please feel welcome to do them! I'm not that mean and I don't bite unless it's kinky ;)

Honestly though, I just had to get this out of my system. It was killing me ^.^ Anyway, if you got this far, thanks for reading! I really appreciate it!

Disclaimer: I do not own Heart no Kuni no Alice, Quin Rose does. I get no profit out of this. Nothing, really, besides some twisted enjoyment.