Chapter 1 ~ I Died That Day
"You gotta get outta here!"
"And youve gotta be kidding me."
"Dont argue with me Garrus."
"We are in this together!"
"No matter what happens here today... know that I love you. I always will."
"Shepard, I... I love you too."
Garrus woke up in a horrible sweat, caused by shaking from his nightmares. He hasn't been able to sleep much since that fateful day. When he caught sight of his one and only love heading towards the beam to the Citadel, those last few minutes felt like forever. She gave him an order to leave when all he could think about was being with her until the very end. She wanted Garrus to live so that he may tell everyone about Shepard's legacy. But since that day, all he wanted was to be with her. Just once more, one more time was all he wanted. After the Battle for Earth, things have slowly been coming back together for everyone. So much of shifting through rubble turned up nothing for Shepard though and Garrus was devastated.
The past year had been like a living nightmare for Garrus. He told Shepard that they would retire somewhere tropical and maybe even find out what kids would look like. Sure, Liara and the others have tried to help him past this horrible event, but they haven't succeeded. He refused to listen to reason and insisted he deal with this on his own. But all he can do is just go around in circles in his head. Shepard wouldn't die that easily, that wasn't like her. It's certainly not the woman he knew.
After waking up, he got a call on his omni tool. It was Liara. If anyone has been more helpful, it's her. Garrus didn't want to answer calls or talk to anyone but luckily she's been the one to keep him sane since Shepard was officially declared dead.
"Garrus, is that you?"
"Hey Liara."
"Did you sleep okay?"
"Not really. It was night sweats again, but nothing serious."
"Don't give me that Garrus. I know you better than that."
"Don't start with me too Liara. It's been a bad night."
"I know... listen, Garrus... do you know what today is?"
He knew all too well what today was. It's been a full year since the Battle for Earth. So many people lost their lives and so many also survived to see their homes and their families live another day. For the Normandy crew, this was a day they have been dreading for a long time. It's the anniversary of the death of their beloved Commander, and for Garrus, the death of his beloved. He had exclusively told Liara he didn't want to be part of the service when it happened. But she was gonna try anyway.
"Garrus... I know how painful this must be for you. But you know Shepard would want you to be part of the memorial. She left you some of her possessions and said that you have to take care of what she left behind. You can't just sit in that apartment drinking away your problems with brandy."
"Liara, it's one thing to see death on the battlefield. It's another when one of those deaths is the love of your life."
"I know, Garrus. But at least be there at the apartment. Please? Just be there."
"...Fine. I'll show up. But I'm still refusing to speak."
"I understand. I'll see you later tonight."
"Bye, Liara."
It felt like an eternity before she showed up to this sorry excuse apartment. Garrus only felt to take care of the place after her passing. It was on this same bed that they had that magical night all to themselves while everyone else was drunk downstairs. He could still feel the touch of skin on his mandibles, her soft and sultry voice that sounded like being in pain, her carved yet feminine features, everything about that night was so vivid. It wasn't too long that they had another magical moment together just before the attack on Cerberus. Shepard was so worried about the future of the battles to come but he was there to assure her that he would stay with her through the thick gunfire. He truly would follow her to hell and back just to be with her.
It's been a full year already. Garrus felt it right to take care of the apartment since that fateful day when no one else wanted to do so. Was he doing the right thing though? He knew the others would say no, that he should just move on and find someone else. He never had to deal with this before though and had never loved someone so much. After spending all day at the work bench calibrating his sniper rifle, he heard Liara enter the apartment.
"Hey."
"Hi, Garrus. Are you busy?"
"No, just on the work bench all day with some brandy."
"I see. The others are on their way over here."
"Good to know. But I don't know about them."
"What do you mean?"
"You know, Liara. They all know I've been like this for the past year. They're all gonna tell me to get over it and frankly, I'm in no mood for that."
"Garrus, they just want you to be happy. We are all worried about you, you know. This has never been like you before."
"Tell that to them. They never lost the love of their life."
"Garrus, will you cut it out? What would Shepard say if she saw you like this?"
He knew full well what she would say. She would tell him to pick up that gun and head back into battle. Garrus was a soldier and a damn good one at that. He followed her when going after Saren, he stood by her when facing the Collectors, she helped him see a new side to justice with Sidonis and far more than that. Shepard was always the one to pick him back up and now that she was gone, there was no one to do that for him. She just had to leave him behind just when he was starting to be the one to pick her back up and what hurt the most is that Garrus was ordered not to follow her. Not just as his commanding officer, but also as his friend, his girlfriend, the love of his life. Those words still echo in his mind even today.
Don't argue with me Garrus. Get out of here!
Shepard... we are in this until the end!
No matter what happens here, know that I love you. And I'll always be yours.
This was all Garrus had thought about for the past year. Every memory of his time together with her and it was all he had to comfort himself, this pain that he was going through. Ruari wouldn't have died that easily. She was one of the best soldiers the Normandy crew have ever known. She escaped death once, she could surely escape it again right? She had to have escaped death once more. Dwelling in this apartment every day for a year now might as well be a permanent cage for Garrus' heart, never to show his face to the galaxy. It was only for a few minutes until Liara brought Garrus back to reality from his happy yet painful memories. She needed an answer about Shepard's service and she needed it now.
"Liara, I..."
"Please, Garrus. Just be there. Just try for her."
"...Fine, I'll show up. But I won't guarantee anything."
"That's all I ask. Thank you Garrus. Shall I leave you to do things?"
"No... I would like to talk to you."
"What is it?"
Liara was the only one Garrus had openly talked to since Shepard had gone MIA. No one else believed that though, not even the Systems Alliance. She had officially been listed as killed in action. Garrus refused to believe that. What if she was somewhere? Alone and frightened? In a coma maybe, just waiting for someone to come get her? So many possibilities and none seemed like the right one. What if Shepard really was gone this time?
No. Not this time. Garrus knew that if she cheated death before, she could do it again.
"...It's nothing."
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah... I'll tell you later."
"Okay."
It seemed like an eternity just waiting for everyone. This was where it all took place: the party that happened that night, just before the assault on the Cerberus base. It seemed so empty now and that night seemed like just yesterday, even though it was a year ago. The faint smell of the fireplace caught to his nostrils and he slowly walked over to look closer at it. Nope, that hadn't changed either. Looking at the fire though reminded Garrus of his fiery red hair, just like her spirit. Shepard was so full of life. What had gone so wrong? Maybe she was right before.
You can't save everyone Garrus. Just do the best you can.
His best wasn't enough, that's all he knew. Looking at the TV, the picture was still up there from that night. The whole group photo they had taken together. This place was about the only thing left that Shepard left him to take care of. Looking at the photo, he saw that she was looking at Garrus like they knew they were gonna get some action later. Which they did. Her words, her sounds, her touch, her whole figure, it was the epitome of beauty. But within that beauty lied the strength of a thousand regular marines and a spirit like a wild animal. It truly showed in her deep, emerald eyes on the field. Why has she chosen him then? What made someone so great and unattainable as her choose someone who was as weak Garrus? No... he shouldn't call himself weak. He's a soldier, the best sniper you would ever see. Even now, he could hear her voice near him and feel her grab his shoulders. His imagination went wild, being in a field of stars.
Come on Vakarian, snap out of it. You are better than this soldier.
No... I'm not, Shepard.
Yes you are. Don't give me that. You always said you were a bad turian. But if I know you, you are one of the best turians I've ever met.
I still am a bad one. Why me, Shepard?
What do you mean, 'why you'? You're one hell of a soldier. I'll always have your six. Just like you have mine.
I always will, Shepard. I just need you.
I'll always be here. Remember, you're not alone.
Garrus snapped out of it once he heard the doors open to the apartment. They were starting to arrive for the service. Liara had left to get the others. First came Tali, then Wrex, then Grunt, then Samara and the line of people eventually ended with Joker. He was going through his own pain for sure ever since EDI went offline. The geth had ceased to function as well and it set back years until the quarians could live without their suits. As everyone gathered around the fireplace and lit candles around her helmet, they all knelt down and prayed. None of the crew were extremely religious as far as Garrus knew, this was more of a way of thanking Shepard for all that she had done. He knew he had to do that for her so he knelt down as well, clasping his hands together and closed his eyes.
The prayer was silent and lasted for a few minutes, filling the room with sorrow. Garrus had enough pain and sorrow to deal with, he didn't need the others to bring their own into his place. Technically, this was supposed to be his and Shepard's place after the war, but that wasn't to be after everything happened. Garrus still didn't want to believe it and he was angry at how everyone gave up. When the prayers stopped, everyone got up and Liara placed a framed photo of Shepard on the Citadel, when she was still looking very much alive despite all the stress. Suddenly she stood in front of everyone with two tears down her face. Garrus could only watch from the very back, closing his eyes as if trying to drown out what was about to come.
"We are gathered here tonight... to honor our great Commander. No... our friend. She was a noble spirit who lead us through the toughest of situations, never letting anything stand in her way. Any ordinary soldier could charge up the hill and fire at anything, but Shepard did it in such a way that brought her great strength. Not only in strength... her spirit would not stay down and would never break down. She truly was a wild one, a free one... and I'm sure she passed it on to us as we move on with our lives and make her wish come true: for us to be happy. Would anyone else like to speak?"
Everyone stood around and came up one by one. First it was Tali, talking about the drinks and girl talk they had together. Then it was James, talking about she had inspired him to train for N7 and it wasn't a surprised when he passed too. Person after person, they all had something to say about Shepard, even Jack, who really wasn't the nicest person in the world. The last person to speak was Joker, telling about how all the humor seemed to lighten her mood and how he always had her back when she needed to get out and quick. When everyone finished speaking, Liara looked at Garrus, who was leaned against the wall with eyes closed and arms crossed. She could see he was very tense, shaking and hesitant to speak. She knew he didn't want to.
"Garrus... would you like to speak about Shepard?"
It took a few minutes for Garrus to even say anything. Speak for her? If he did that, that would be admitting shes dead and moving on. How can you move on from the love of your life? Even if the reports and investigation team found nothing and wrote her off as KIA, Garrus didn't believe it. She was out there, alone and trapped and suffering. Why else would he have hallucinated about her speaking to him? It was a message. Garrus soon had his answer and his answer was in the form of walking away from the crowd. Liara, Tali and everyone watched in surprise as Garrus walked away. They instructed everyone to offer more silent prayers for her as they went to talk to Garrus upstairs.
"Garrus... are you okay?"
"Please Liara, Tali, not now."
"Garrus, why wouldn't you speak? That's insulting Shepard's memory."
"What memory, Liara? I already told you how I felt: she could still be out there and none of you are willing to take the chance to look for her."
"You saw the reports. Nothing was found on Earth, nothing was found on the Citadel. She was gone."
"You think I don't know that, Liara? I read everything that happened. But I seem to be the only one who knows the truth that she is alive. There is something, I know it! None of you seem to believe it though!"
Tali had heard enough. She expected this kind of rambling speech from the admirals, but not from Garrus Vakarian, advisor to the Primarch and her best friend. Stomping forward, Tali slapped him in the face hard and it certainly caught him by surprise as he could only look down, glaring at the masked quarian beside him.
"Garrus, knock it off! I've had it with your crap! All you do is lay down here every day, drinking whatever you can get your hands on and just cry to yourself! That's not what a turian is supposed to be! You're supposed to be tough and put duties to your people and your friends ahead of your own selfish actions, not mope around blame others for how you feel! That's all you're doing is putting your own wishes ahead of us and assume we don't feel anything! You are one of the worst turians I have ever met and I ashamed at your behavior!"
Garrus suddenly changed his look to anger to a look of confusion and sadness. He knew he was one of the worst turians alive, he knew it fully well. But had he really delved so far into the realm of despair so far that he blatantly ignored how others felt? He hadn't spoken to Tali in so long so maybe this was her way of releasing all the anger she could have been harboring over the past year. Garrus was usually attentive to know that something was wrong. Only that something was wrong with him this time. Tali lead Garrus to the bed and sat down next to him, as did Liara, who was shocked as well that she slapped him so hard.
"...You're not the only one. I believe it too."
"You do?"
"Of course... the reason why though is because I had my own people to attend to. I've been wanting to look for her just as much as you. I know why you wouldn't speak and I understand, I really do. But for the past year, this just isn't you, Garrus. This isn't about you, this is about all of us. Remember what you told Shepard before?"
"...We are in this together."
"That's right. And so we will grieve together. And... we will go look for her together, too."
"What?"
"I don't know about Joker and the others, but I'm in. I wanna go look for Shepard too."
"I'm in too."
"Liara... Tali..."
All Garrus could do was pat their shoulders. This was the wake up call he needed desperately. With his two closest comrades by his side, they would go look for Shepard together. He didn't know if Liara believed she was alive out there, but Tali said she did. So he wasn't the only one hoping and dreaming all this time. All it took for Garrus to snap out of it was a hard slap from a quarian.
"Thanks. Especially you, Tali."
"Of course... I'm sorry I slapped you."
"No offense taken."
As all three of Shepard's closest comrades and friends got up from the bed, they walked outside to see all of the crew waiting there: Joker, EDI, James, Wrex, Grunt, Ash, Jack, Kasumi, Traynor and Zaeed stood in front of them with smiles on their faces, seeing that Garrus was back to his former self. There was that cocky, wise cracking, sniping and caring turian they all knew. As he looked around he saw they all had smiles.
"You all heard?"
"Pretty much word for word. We know how you feel and we have been grieving too. Honestly, I don't really believe it's true, but we are in this together. If you three wanna look for Shepard, then I'm behind you all the way."
Everyone else nodded, even Joker. He was ready to pilot the Normandy again after a year of no action. Without any action and one crazy idea that just might work, this wouldn't be the Normandy crew. They were more than a team, they were a family.
"Alright... everyone suit up. This mission is top priority and top secret. Make no mention to the Alliance either. Shepard is out there waiting for us. Now let's go look for her and when we find her, we are gonna let her know that this is the best damn crew she's ever had."
"You got it!"
"Good, Joker. Liara, Tali... ready?"
"I'm on it."
"You can count on me, Garrus!"
Hang in there, Shepard. We are coming to get you. Stay alive for me... please.