Based on the amazing: patronustrip dot deviantart dotcom/ gallery/24426046#/d4ds1tp
It happens a lot more I've noticed. When I'm changing clothes I'll catch a glimpse of myself, half dressed in the mirror and I'll stop. I'll stop and stare at myself. And sometimes I lose track of time. Sometimes it's a few minutes, once it was for two hours. I stop and I'll look at my body and pick out every little detail that I absolutely hate.
I hate how the fat hangs off of my hips. I hate that I wish I could just move that fat into my boobs and make them bigger. I hate that scar on the outside of my thigh from the time I was learning how to ride a bike and I fell off and scraped my leg. I hate how my arms jiggle when I move. I hate how short my legs are. I wish my belly button was rounder and my boobs were perkier and my hairline wasn't crooked, and… I just hate so much of it.
Quinn, she tells me I'm beautiful every time we make love. But Quinn's never around when I catch myself staring in the mirror. I've heard horror stories of how some sororities would haze girls into their house by making them strip down and they'd circle every part of their body that needed improvements with a marker. I just wonder how many things they would mark on my body. How many improvements does my body need?
My thoughts this time are interrupted by a knock at my dorm room door. I quickly look around the floor to put my skirt back on and swing open my closet to pull out a clean top. The person knocks again.
"Rachel?" I hear Quinn's voice flow through the door. As I'm in the middle of putting my top on I open the door so that Quinn can come in. "Hi" she says, a little taken back by the fact I'm not completely dressed, but also a little excited about it.
"Quinn, hi, I thought I was picking you up from the train station at 2:30?" I say as I lean in to give her a quick peck.
"yeah, you were, that was like half an hour ago" she says nodding to my alarm clock sitting on my bedside table. It's already after 3 o'clock. I got lost in my own body again.
"oh god, I'm so sorry! I just…I was running late and I guess I misjudged the time. I'm sorry, Quinn" I apologize profusely.
"hey it's okay, I'm here now" she smiles kindly as she pulls me in for a hug. My body lets out a heavy sigh and I rest my head on her shoulder as her arms hold me tightly. I'm surprised she even wants to hug me. Why would she? "Is everything okay?" she asks, clearly seeing my inner thoughts running through my head.
"yeah, of course. My girlfriend is here and everything is great" I smile back at her and pull her in for a hungry kiss. My tongue slips into her mouth and she wrestles back. I have to wonder if she really wants to kiss me or if she's just forcing herself to. But I know I can't ask her without unfolding everything. It's not worth it. It's not worth finding out if she really wants me.
"Rachel" she pulls back and holds my face just in front of hers.
"what? What's wrong?" I ask in an inward panic.
"You're crying. Rach, what's going on?" she asks in a sense of worry. I pull her hands off of my face and turn around to wipe my tears away.
"Sorry, I don't know what's wrong with me. I think I'm just moody. Maybe my period is coming in a few days" I lie. I had my period just last week. Even Quinn knows it. I don't know why I picked the stupidest lie. Great, I have an ugly body and I'm stupid too.
"baby, what's wrong? You can tell me" she says as she pulls us both to sit down on my bed.
"Quinn, do you want me?" I ask boldly.
"what?" she asks in shock. "what do you mean? Of course I want you."
"do you think I'm pretty?" I ask and I hate myself for even asking that question.
"Rach…" she sighs out in a panic. "of course I think you're pretty. You're absolutely beautiful. You're the prettiest girl I know" she tries to convince me but as much as I want to believe her I can't.
"I wish I was pretty like you" I tell her as I run my fingers along her jaw line. "You're just so flawless. Your eyes are so bright and your lips are so small and soft. You're so skinny and toned" I breathe out as I run my fingers down her arms and lightly around her body. "Everything is perfect and symmetrical and I just wish I looked more like you"
"Rach, don't say that. You're scaring me. Tell me what's wrong" she says as she grabs my hands off of her body and holds them in her lap.
"I'm just struggling so much in my dance classes and all the other girls in my class just have these perfect dancer bodies and then when classes are over I see my girlfriend and her perfect bone structure and then I see me in the mirror. And I look at myself and I hate what I see"
"stop, don't say that! Why can't you see how much I love you and your body? Why do you think I come here, every weekend, unfailingly to see you?"
Pity, probably.
"Rachel Berry, this is not a pity visit by any means!" she yells at me. I guess I said that out loud.
"You say you love me-"
"-I do love you." She tells me firmly.
"then will you do something for me?" I ask as I stand up in front of her and pull my shirt up and over my head.
"I would do anything for you" she says, still sitting on the bed in her own confusion. I pull my skirt back off and let it slide to the floor, stepping out of it. I turn around to search through my desk when I catch myself in the mirror again.
Now's not the time. I open and close a few drawers until I find what I'm looking for.
"Rachel, what are you looking for? Please just stop this" she pleads to me. I turn around and hold out a red marker. She takes it in her hands and looks up at me, confused again.
"what's this for?"
"I want you to mark me." I tell her straight forward. "I want you to just…every thing you see that isn't right I need you to circle it or draw something. Just-… I know I have so many imperfections and I know you see them. Just please for me, do this for me and I'll…I don't know what I'll do-I'll…I'll change them. I'll do what I can to change it. Just please"
"Rachel, no! You're being ridiculous. I would never do that to you because there is nothing wrong with you. Do you hear me?" she asks as she grabs a hold of my hands again. "There is nothing wrong with you, you are beautiful. Everything about you is beautiful and it's pretty and it's sexy and you are perfect. Why can't you see that?"
"because I'm not!" I yell back at her, snatching the marker from her hand. "look, I'll get you started." I say as I roughly throw the cap off the marker and circle my abdomen on my stomach. "Do you know how long I've tried to get abs? It's like no matter how many sit ups I do or how many diets I go on I can't get abs! You have abs. How do I get those abs?"
"stop. Just stop. Please." She begs me and tries to take the marker from my hand.
"No! Not until you do this for me! I need you to do this for me, Quinn. If you love me at all you will do this for me" I beg her. I stare into her eyes with desperation and desire for her to just do this one thing. She slowly takes the marker from my hand and looks down at my body.
"Fine" she whispers out, choking back her tears. My body slumps down in relaxation at her words. Finally.
She takes the marker and as I watch her eyes she draws something in my cleavage.
"Your breasts…are perfect. They are round and perky and they fit perfectly into my hands." She tells me as I glance down at my chest only to find the words 'THESE ARE MINE' written in the red marker. "This stomach is so perfect and tight that I think having abs would ruin it. I hate my abs, they make me look like a man. Do you know what your body does to me?" she asks, but doesn't give me time to answer as I feel her drawing something on my stomach. "Your body gives me the butterflies. We've been together so long and I still get the butterflies when I'm around you" she says and I glance down to the two cartoon butterflies she's drawn on my stomach.
"and this scar, right here?" she says and lets her fingers drag down to my bicycle scar. "I know you hate it, but I love it." She says and draws a little heart around it. "You hate it, but I love it because it gives me a glimpse of the kind of girl you were when you were a child. When you were learning how to ride a bike for the first time and fell off and scraped your leg but you got back on and spent hours dedicating yourself to learning how to ride. It made me fall in love with you even more." She says and lets her fingers run over the slightly bumpy skin.
"And your hips, oh god your hips" she mumbles. "Your hips are the sexiest part about you. You have perfect hips, not bony hips like mine that could poke an eye out. But hips-like real hips-where when you dance I become hypnotized or…or when I hold you by the hips when we're making love, or how I think one day these hips could give birth to our first child. You know, a little Rachel Berry running around would honestly just make my life complete." she says as she writes the words 'YOU ARE AMAZING' in huge letters that you could probably read from across the room. The tears begin to fall down my face.
"And your thighs? Mm, there is nothing more that I love than being between your thighs" she says as she falls to her knees and kisses my thigh softly. She draws little hearts on the insides of my left thigh and on the write she draws a cartoon of teeth and fangs. "I love to bite them" she whispers. I know I've had bruises before.
"Quinn" I whine breathlessly as I try to pull her off of her knees. I want to tell her she's doing it wrong, that she's not doing what I asked for but I know she'd just argue back.
"oh and I can't forget this" she whispers as she brings the marker up above my breasts just over my left breast. She draws a heart where my heart is actually beating outside of my chest now. "I love who you are and how you look and everything about you" she says and continues to draw with the marker. The heart is too close to my face for me to look down and see what she drew, but her face is so close to mine that I don't even bother looking away.
"Rachel, you are so beautiful and I need you to see that. You don't need to change anything about yourself because you are everything I've ever wanted in a woman. In fact if you were to change any of these things I don't think I'd love you the same. Because three years ago I fell in love with this confident, talented and beautiful girl and she has had my heart ever since" she says and spins me around to face the mirror I've spent so many hours staring into. I glance at myself, now covered in red markings from my thighs all the way up to my chest.
My eyes quickly settle to the heart she drew on my heart.
'PROPERTY OF QUINN FABRAY' just written inside the lines.
Her arms wrap around my from behind and hold me by my hips, against her own.
"I love you" she whispers as places a kiss to the top of my shoulder. "Do you love me?"
"Of course" I swallow down with the tears.
"Do you love yourself?" she asks.
"I think I could." I whisper back.