Hello! It's been a while since I've posted a story here, but I've been working on this one for awhile and wanted to share it!

Warning: This fic involves PTSD with flashbacks involving explosions.

Also, image credit goes to my wonderful friend Ijustwantyoutoknow for the beautiful Jemily picture she drew for me :)

I hope you all enjoy, and I would love you hear what you think!

I do not own Criminal Minds or any of the characters.

When Emily first woke she still thought she could save them. In the darkness behind her closed eyes, there was still a chance. In those seconds before reality hit, they weren't gone, and she was there. She was there to save them.

But then she opened her eyes and that same agonizing pain returned. She had been wrong, and they were dead because of that.

She turned and looked out the window. In the darkness she could see the blinking lights from the airplane wing. The man next to her was sleeping, as she had been until just moments ago. The plane was quiet.

And in the plane full of people she felt so alone.

And that was no one's fault but her own. Because she ran, she always did. She ran from the team when things got too hard, and then she ran from this. She had become an expert at avoidance. But this, this she couldn't get away from. Because even though she was no longer in Bucharest, that night haunted her in her dreams. It haunted her every waking moment too. She couldn't get their faces out of her head.

But she didn't want to be alone, not anymore.

Maybe that's why she was going back. Maybe that was why she had taken Clyde's advice and got on a plane to DC with a one way ticket. Maybe that was why this hurt so much.

The team hadn't even seen it when she ran. They hadn't seen it for what it was. It was supposed to be an escape. After Doyle, after hiding and coming back, it was all too much. She couldn't handle the guilt, or the constant reminders of what had happened. She had to get away.

And London had been better for awhile, until she found herself sitting at her desk in the middle of the night, the feelings over what had happened barely able to become real. When she looked up to see Clyde in her doorway.

But this time it had been his idea. He told her to get away for a few weeks while everything was figured out.

And now she found herself on a plane.

She was going back to see the team, her friends. But it was more than just friendship she craved. And she knew why it hurt so much to be alone.

Because she wanted to be with her.

XXX

JJ sat at her desk and stared down at the paperwork she was supposed to be working on. But her mind was wandering. She was thinking about the same person who had monopolized her mind for the past seven months. She was thinking about Emily.

It had been seven months since Emily had come to the US for a case. It had been six since JJ had heard from her.

But JJ couldn't stop thinking about her. She missed her friend. During all of their years with the BAU, the two of them had left and returned many times. And each time they were separated, JJ couldn't stop thinking about her.

But this time she didn't know if Emily would come back.

JJ had never truly let herself admit the feelings she had. She always told herself they were just friends, it was all they could ever be. Emily didn't feel the same way.

But after seeing her in New York, try as she might she couldn't ignore her feelings anymore. And it hurt to know that nothing could ever happen. She had spent the past months trying to forget about everything. Forget about her feelings. Forget about Emily. But she couldn't.

JJ closed her folder and returned it to the stack on her desk. It was late, and she couldn't do anymore tonight. She grabbed her bag and stopped by Hotch's office to say goodnight before leaving.

She got into her car and drove home, her thoughts still on Emily. She was so wrapped up in her own head that when she pulled into her driveway she didn't notice the figure on her front porch until she was out of the car.