A/N: So this is my attempt to fill in a few gaps, maybe right a few wrongs in the Anna/Bates plot as seen in Series 2. I don't know about anyone else, I need some happy moments! Would love to hear what you think—please review!
Of course, Downton Abbey and all it's characters are property of Julian Fellowes and ITV. Though with the last couple episodes, I'd like to steal them away!
Spoilers: This story deals with how Anna and Bates get from Episode 7 of Series 2 to that wonderful photo (I'm sure most of you have already seen) that is suppose to take place in Episode 8. Events in Episode 7 are alluded to as are dialogue from Episode 8 teasers.
Climbing Mountains
A sliver of moonlight cascaded across the servant's dining table from a corner window. The rest of the hall lay in darkness. In silence. All except for the wall clock that softly ticked the late hour.
John didn't mind the dark. It matched his mood. With an untouched cup of coffee at his elbow and his head in his hands, he contemplated how his life was spiraling out of his control.
From the start, he had a bad feeling about the preliminary findings concerning Vera's death. Suicide. Never in a million years would he have imagined Vera capable of taking her own life. His life? Maybe. Though their relationship was built on a bedrock of miscommunication and distrust, there was one thing John understood about her. . .she reveled in his misery. Why would she take her life when she was being so successful in ruining his? No, she would have wanted to witness his unhappiness and make sure it continued. But if it wasn't suicide. . .who could have done it? For that John had no answer. But he did know who the authorities would begin to question, especially now with the discovery of Vera's letter to her friend. It provided means and motive. He was now a prime suspect, the only suspect. And from previous experience, he knew how swiftly the wheels of justice moved when you were in its crosshairs.
John sighed and ran a hand through his already disheveled hair. How had this happened? After his return to Downton, he actually began to believe everything might work out for him. For them. That the prospect of a life with Anna was realistic, not just a secretly wished for fairytale. Even after Vera's death, Anna's steadfast love buoyed his hopes. After all, the barrier to their happiness had been removed. Just two days ago, he had received a copy of Vera's death certificate from his lawyer. With such a document in hand, after weeks of waiting, he and Anna could officially register and marry.
Despite the winter cold, they escaped to the back courtyard for privacy and made plans. Just a simple ceremony at the village hall was decided, followed by a small reception downstairs back at Downton. Then a weekend to themselves at a nearby inn. Anna's face simply radiated with joy. And John couldn't wipe the silly grin off his face even as he climbed into bed for the evening.
Yet, only one day later, that dream was slipping fast through his fingers and there was not a thing he could do to stop it. Vera's letter was damning. His lawyer had said as much. John knew it too. Despite questioning whether it would actually change things, Anna had to know that it did. John shook his head in disbelief, even from her grave, Vera had the power to destroy his life.
Taking a sip, John reflected that perhaps it was his atonement. He had made mistakes, so many stupid mistakes, in his life prior to coming to Downton. It was only time before fate caught up to him and demanded payment. And he feared that payment would be high. The promise of a long life of love, laughter, friendship and family with Anna would be denied.
If that was what his lot in life was to be, so be it. John could live with it. He had made his bed many, many years ago and now it was time to sleep in it. Yes, it would be a wretched existence without Anna. Just a long continuous stretch of gray. He knew that the sun would never shine for him without her in his life.
Yet for all his anger over his lost future and the real possibility of returning to prison again for crime he did not commit, nothing compared with the indignation he felt for what Anna would be asked to endure.
If he was arrested, or worse executed, she would be shattered. And he would be the cause of it. She would be left with nothing. No husband. No children. Just the shame of having been engaged to him.
The injustice of Anna suffering for his sins made John want to rage. Since meeting Anna, since pulling his life together, the one singular thing he wanted to do was make her happy. He wanted to be her husband, her partner. To provide for her. Oh, the pride he would have felt having her take his name. And children. There was no gift he would rather have bestowed on her.
John could feel hot tears fill his eyes. Dear God, how life wasn't fair. There was no way he could ask Anna to share his life, to marry, when the threat of imprisonment loomed over them. To be forced to abandon her after pledging a life together, would be worse than never taking those vows.
With his head bowed, John felt the first teardrop hit his hand. Then another. And another. The cuffs of his dress shirt quickly became soaked.
She didn't deserve this. She didn't deserve to have wasted over six years of her life on a man who would ultimately break not just her heart but eventually her spirit. She deserved a man that didn't have a mucked up past shadowing his every step. And a family. If there was ever a women meant to be a mother, it was his Anna.
Just today, watching Anna hold Ethel's boy, melted John's heart. She was a natural, not that he had ever doubted. But seeing her bounce little Charlie on her knee and sing silly rhymes as he tried to grab her lace mob cap, reaffirmed that conviction. It was impossible to sit across from her and not stare in wonder and imagine her cuddling their own child. Perhaps a little boy with dark curls. His mother had always fondly recalled how he had a mop of curls when he was a toddler. Or if John had his way, a little girl. She would be the absolute embodiment of her mother; a little tow head with a spite-fire personality and an angelic smile.
Oh, how he wanted this for Anna. For himself. To be a father would be his greatest accomplishment.
Sobs now wracked his entire body for what could have been. For what was quickly hurdling further and further out of his reach. Mrs. Hughes had asked earlier if he had the cares of the world on his shoulders. Yes, by God, he had enough of them. As he slumped farther forward to rest his forehead on the table, he realized that his shoulders were not nearly strong enough nor would they ever be to bear all his burdens.
Footsteps and creaking of stairs belatedly alerted John to presence of others. He looked up at the clock. 3 am. Who could possibly be up? As his eyes focused in the darkness, he saw through the open doorway all three Crawley sister begin to climb the servant's staircase with Anna trailing behind them. They were all dressed in day clothes and traveling coats. Their movements were slow and weary as they trudged up the stairs.
"Well, it's been a long night." Mary's voiced descended as she climbed the stairs. "We all need to get some sleep, then we can discuss the matter with cooler heads in the morning."
"There's nothing to discuss. At least not between you and me," Sybil shot back defiantly as she followed her sisters. "I've made my choice. Tom's my choice. There is nothing you can do to change my mind."
"Like I said, cooler heads in the morning." Mary retorted as she and Edith left John's sight up the stairs.
Anna stood at the foot of the stairs, hesitated and then called softly to Sybil. "My Lady . . ."
Sybil turned, her long hair swinging around her shoulders. She took two steps back down the stairs to stand just above Anna.
"Yes, Anna, what is it? If you're going to lay into to me too about how I'm ruining my life, I don't wish to hear it."
"No. . . no, I wasn't. I was just going to say. . . .don't abandon hope."
Sybil's head snapped up. "You believe me and Tom have a future together?" she asked incredulously.
"I believe in love. And when it's there, anything is possible. I should know." Anna's voice broke a bit before continuing on. "You see, I think love is a bit like climbing a mountain. It's not an easy task. You have to find the right partner to even attempt it."
Her voice grew with confidence as she spoke. "At times, it will be smooth climbing. A slight slope. Easy footholes. A beautiful blue sky surrounding you as you make the trek. But just when you are beginning to think it's as easy as pie, storm clouds thunder in. The rock begins to crumble under your feet. A steady rain continually pours. You're chilled to the bone. You long to go back. Your partner may sit down to rest and not want to get back up. Calling off the climb seems the smartest course. This is when you discover whether or not your love is true."
"How can you tell it's true?" Sybil wanted to know.
"If you don't give up. If you don't give in to the desolation, the pressure." Anna turned her head slightly and looked directly into the darkened servant's hall.
John started. She knew he was sitting there.
Anna turned back to Sybil. "You pull each other up. You match paces, never leaving the other behind, even if they insist you do. No matter how painful it is, how tired you are, you still continue on hand in hand up that path until you reach the summit. And once you get there. . .oh, what a view!"
Smiling now, Anna continued, "And while you should delight in the view, for it will be breathtaking, it's the journey that's to be cherished. Only those who truly love each other reach that peak. "
Sybil contemplated Anna's words. After a few seconds, she asked, "Have you and Mr. Bates reached the mountaintop yet?"
Anna looked again toward where John sat in the dark. Then nodded her head decisively. "Home stretch, I believe. Now off to bed. I've got to fetch something down here, then I'll be right behind you."
"Thank you Anna" Sybil said as she gave her an impulsive hug. "Goodnight."
"Goodnight, My Lady" Anna answered to Sybil's retreating figure.
John could see Anna take a deep breath, turn and head straight for the door to the servant's hall. Hearing her describe love, their love, to Lady Sybil, left his heart aching. If only it was as simple as climbing a mountain. He'd hobble up a real mountain with his bum leg any day rather than face the barriers blocking their current path. It's easy to say don't give up, but how can you not surrender when your path is more likely to veer towards prison than to a mountaintop.
XxXxXxXxXxX
Anna was scared. She knew John Bates inside and out. She understood his moods, his humor, his strict, if not exasperating at times, moral code. A simple look between them told her what he was thinking. He had shared his troubled past with her, all his poor choices and misfortune. She accepted him for who he was; a flawed man who she still held in the highest regard partly because of how he overcame those flaws.
But she also knew that he had an iron fist control over his emotions. He was not one for outward displays. Yes, he smiled and laughed, unfortunately not very much lately. And while she had only seen it on a few occasions, his anger could get the best of him. And although it had taken awhile, he had become quite adept at telling her he loved her.
But the sight of John weeping uncontrollably frightened her. She had only seen him shed tears once in nearly seven years. It had been on that dreary evening when he believed Lord Grantham was letting him go. Her heart still ached a bit at the memory of him silently crying as she approached his door with a dinner tray. Years later, they discussed the evening. John confessed to her that it had been one of the lowest points in his life, ranking right beside being permanently injured and going to prison. His despair was tremendous. He was at the end of his rope, not sure where to go or what to do. But it was her bringing him a tray, he asserted, that was his saving grace. Her compassion meant the world to him. He told her that was the moment his heart began to belong to her.
What was the cause of his misery? The discovery of Vera's letter? While it did unnerve her a bit, she didn't believe that it had the power to derail their future. They had the death certificate. It confirmed suicide. Vera was gone. In general, Anna was not one to rejoice in a person's death. But she could not help and thank God for seeing fit to rid Vera from their lives and this world. They were finally free. They had made plans just last night. What had changed to make John despair so much?
"John, why are you sitting in the dark?" Anna questioned as she cautiously skirted the table to stand next to him.
He didn't look at her, continued to stare straight ahead. "I couldn't sleep."
Anna sat down in the chair next to him, pulling her hat pin out and then taking her hat off and placing it on the table in front of her. She then twisted in her seat and faced him, "I don't believe that's all." When he didn't answer, she placed her palm on his cheek and gently turned his face to her. As she wiped away the last remains of tears on his face, he closed his eyes savoring her touch. "Please tell me. Is it Vera's letter? Because I don't think it. . ."
"Yes. No. . ." He wavered and looked down. Then he took a deep breath, looked up and placed her hands in his. "In truth, I was thinking about Ethel."
"Ethel?" Anna drew back in surprise and retorted so sharply that John cracked a whisper of a smile. "What's she got to with anything?"
"Nothing really. I mean, I feel sorry for her situation. " John paused.
"Go on," Anna encouraged.
He looked straight into her eyes and squeezed her hands. "Seeing her baby today. Seeing you hold her baby today. . .," he amended. "Oh Anna, it was so perfect. So easy to envision that it was our baby."
Anna smiled. The same thoughts had gone through her mind as little Charlie wiggled in her lap. Holding him felt so good, so right.
John saw her smile and frowned. "But I am so damn afraid that I wouldn't be able to give you that baby, that marriage, that life."
She let go of his hands. "Why ever not? How can you say that? How can you even think that? I thought we were past all this?"
John rubbed his forehead angrily. "Don't you get it? There is a high probability that I am going to go back to prison. Or worse."
"What do you mean 'or worse'?" Anna asked already knowing the answer.
John just closed his eyes. "You've got to think rationally. I'm an ex-convict. I already have a record, a history of drinking and debauchery. I quarreled with Vera right before her death. Hell, I even bought the arsenic. Now with this letter, I have means and motive. Let's face it, I had every reason to murder Vera."
"But you didn't," Anna asserted.
"No, I didn't," he wearily concurred. "But that won't stop the authorities from coming to that conclusion. My lawyer assured me today that this case is far from closed."
"But, but . . ." Anna sputtered. "We have the death certificate. It says suicide."
"Documents can be changed."
A fierce anger began to build in Anna. Anger at Vera for still being able to wreak havoc with their lives. Anger at a justice system that would condemn an innocent man. Anger at God for making it so difficult for two people who dearly love each other to be together. And lastly anger at John for so willingly ready to concede defeat, so willingly to walk away from all they have.
Anna stood up. Paced a few steps forward and violently turned around on John. "So that's it? You want to call everything off because you think you can't give me what I want because you'll be rotting in prison?"
"Calm down, " John entreated, looking nervously at the door, obviously worried she'd wake someone.
"I will not calm down." Anna raged barely keeping her voice below a shout. "Let me get this straight. You don't want to get married because you think in a short time you will be locked away. You want to save me the distress of having a husband in jail. Is that it?"
"Anna, how can I pledge my life to you when I might have to abandon you for the rest of it? How is that fair to you?" John implored.
"It's not fair. But that doesn't mean we still shouldn't do it." Anna took a deep breath, and sat down next to John again. "Let me ask you a question. If we don't get married and you go to prison, will you miss me?"
"Oh Anna, how can you ask that?" John asked in disbelief, placing his hand on her cheek. "I will die again and again, each and every day, without you in my life."
Anna closed her eyes at his touch. God, it felt good. Not only his touch felt good, but also the perverse knowledge that he would be as miserable as her if they ever parted.
She opened her eyes and placed her hand on the hand that rested on her cheek. "But John, don't you think I would feel the same way? Do you think you own the market on unhappiness? If you went away and we were married, I'd be destroyed. Likewise, if you went away and we weren't married, I'd be just as ruined. Probably more so. I wouldn't have anything of you to claim as mine. Not your body and soul. Not even your name."
Anna could see the wheels of John's brain turning. "But what of society? You would be scorned, cast off. People are cruel. I couldn't stand for you to be mistreated."
His hand slipped off her face to her neck, caressing. Anna matched his action, placing her opposite hand on his neck drawing his forehead to rest upon hers. "Do you think I care what society thinks? You heard me talking to Sybil, I know you did. I want to climb that mountain with you and only you."
She could feel his breath hot on her face. She could sense him wavering.
"It won't be easy. I'm likely to be arrested, put on trial, sentenced for life." John countered.
"If we have to face this. We will face this as husband and wife."
"Anna, " John's lips now tenderly brushed her temple. "It's also possible I'll be swinging from the gallows."
Anna swallowed. The same thought had crossed her mind. Anna felt tears begin to form. She pulled back from John and framed his face with both hands. "If that happens, I want to be there for you. I want the last thing you hear to be my voice telling you 'I love you'."
She felt John's tears running over her fingers. She gulped. Her own tears now feely running down her face. "I want to be the one who takes possession of your body. I want to bury you until the time I can join you. I want to be your next of kin and you cannot deny me that."
They stayed locked in that position for what seemed to Anna minutes. Then abruptly John stood up. Anna closed her eyes and sighed. He running away. He's going to sacrifice himself yet again. Do what he thought was in her best interest. Disappointment shot through her body.
Instead of heading for the door, he moved his chair. He then proceeded to lean heavily on the table and slowly sink down to the floor on his good knee.
Bewilderment turned to astonishment as Anna realized what John intended to do.
He took both her hands in his. "My dear Anna. I didn't do this right the first time. And God knows, you deserve the best of everything. I love you more than I ever thought humanly possible. You are my light, my beacon of hope. You make me a better person. I want to spend this life and the next with you. Whatever may come our way, I want to have you by my side." John paused, smiled and continued. "Anna, will you marry me?"
Joy radiated from Anna's heart. "Yes, John. Oh, yes!" She threw both arms around him, almost toppling them both to the ground. Both laughing now, John got a hold of her and straightened her on his lap and kissed her slowly and gently.
"Oh Anna, I love you." John breathed before kissing her again, more deeply this time. As their hands began to caress each other's bodies, they became precariously close to falling over again. This time he pulled back, setting Anna on her chair. Once seated, she reached to pull him back to her waiting lips.
John held up a hand, stopping her advancements. Anna started to pout, but went quiet when his hand snaked up her chest to the top buttons of her dress. She held her breath as he slowly unbuttoned the top three buttons. His hand stroked over her neck and chest as he reached in her dress and pulled out a chain. Upon the chain was his mother's Claddagh ring he had given her when he returned to Downton.
"I'd say it's time you wore this properly."
John reached back behind her. Anna took an uneven breath when his warm hands undid the clasp at her neck. Slipping the ring from the chain, he took her left hand.
"Anna, I will try my best to be the husband that you deserve. Know I will always love you."
He slipped the distinctive Irish wedding band onto her left ring finger with the heart directed downward to her heart and the crown facing upward indicating that she belonged to him.
"And I will always love you, John Bates," she drew him in for another kiss.
A clatter from outside broke them apart. One of the stable boys was grabbing pails to milk the cows.
"I hate to say it," John sighed between kisses. "But we probably should try to get some sleep."
Anna moved her mouth down his neck. "Sleep is overrated. But I suppose you're right." She slowly drew away and started to stand.
John caught her hand. "Friday."
"What about Friday?"
"You have your half day then, right? So do I." John grinned at her as he also rose from his chair.
"I do." Thankfully they had conspired to have the same days off. "Do you have ideas how to spend it?"
"I was thinking a trip to the Village Hall might be in order. " John said as they made their way out of the servant's hall. He turned to her and solemnly asked, "What do you think?"
"I think I better iron my best dress." Taking John's hand, she led him to the stairs where they began to ascend together in perfect step. She smiled. Yes indeed, their climb was almost over.