Last Resort
By Saphron
Summery: A stoned Joren reflects his life and makes a life-changing decision. An anniversary of death. A Shadow. Welcome to Joren's head, otherwise known as hell. A songfic using Paparoach's Last Resort. Sequel to Father of Mine.
NOTE: Very DDA-Dark, depressing, angst. Heavy material, hence the R rating. I advise you now-do NOT read this!
Lalala…I love angst! Um…Kel makes an appearance *yea* You guys are gonna kill me, I just know it. *Shrugs* Or should I just do it myself and save you guys the trouble? No j/k. I'm not suicidal. *Glances around* what? No, actually I'm crazy. But no one believes me on that one.
~
"Be happy while you're living, for you're a long time dead." -A Scottish Proverb (I felt like throwing in a quote)
~
Cut my life into pieces
This is my last resort
Suffocation
No breathing
Don't give a fuck if I cut my arm, bleeding
This was an anniversary. No, not of the first time he tried drugs, not of his mother's death, this was an anniversary yet to come. This was a celebration really, a ceremony welcoming the Shadow. He was coming, gliding ever closer; Joren could feel it in his blood and guts. Soon it would arrive, and carry him away.
It was a good thing really; he wanted him to come. The sooner he did the better, Joren thought savagely. He was getting impatient, why wasn't it working? It was supposed to have worked by now…oh damn it…it was just like last time…
THE OVERDOSING WASN'T BLOODY FUCKING WORKING!
Joren jumped up, knocking over the empty bottle of vodka and pills, and slammed his fist into the wall. Repeatedly, over and over again…cracks were starting to form…the plaster was crumbling like his life…slowly slipping in tiny shards to the ground…nothing but white powder to be swept up and away.
Joren was angry, very angry. Just like last time-it wasn't working! Last time he'd just grown nauseous, falling onto the cold ground clutching his stomach. He had fainted…and when he had awoken he was alive. Still alive. That wasn't supposed to happen; yet it did. Probably because he had thrown up the poison in his body. But still…he was supposed to have died!
And now it was happening all over again-his lame suicide attempt. Mithros, he thought grimly, still pounding the wall, angrier and angrier, I can't do anything right…I can't even freakin' kill myself.
This is my last resort
Cut my life into pieces
I've reached my last resort
Suffocation
No breathing
Don't give a fuck if I cut my arm, bleeding
Do you even care if I die bleeding?
Would it be wrong?
Would it be right?
If I took my life tonight
Chances are that I might
Mutilation outta sight
And I'm contemplating suicide
Kel was in her room calmly reading over her math notes when she heard it. A furious pounding, vibrating through the hallways, echoing into her mind. She put the papers down and clutched her temples, what was that noise? It was scaring her, whatever it was, and that was really saying something. She didn't scare easily. But it was just so unnatural, so unholy…what could it be?
Kel got up; she wasn't one to just sit around doing nothing. Maybe it was Joren and his cronies slamming some poor new page's head into a wall or something. And it was hard to study with all that racket too.
The girl got up; walked down the hall to where the sounds reverberated along the walls; and found the source of the noise. It was Joren.
Cuz I'm losing my sight
Losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine
Losing my sight
Losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine
What she found shocked her. It was Joren-and he was pounding the wall with his fist. Blood was trickling down his knuckles in a fast and steady stream, tiny droplets dropping down to the floor with a tiny plop, outlined against the white carpet. The wall looked unholy and desecrated too, all that blood splattered everywhere. It looked like a shrine of gore.
Well this wasn't exactly Joren hurting a young first year page, but this *was* Joren hurting someone…even if it was himself. Kel ran into the room without thinking, her mind quickly registering its shock long enough to take action. She grabbed his right wrist, and twisted him away from the wall to face her.
He looked at her first with shock and then with anger, "What the hell are you doing here?" he snarled, wrenching his wrist out of her hands.
She glared at him, "What the hell are you doing." He didn't know she could be so fierce. He backed off, stepping away from her. His blood was still smeared on Keladry's fingers, where her grip had touched his pale skin.
"What does it look like I'm doing?" He said bitterly, shifting his eyes away. He could almost cry, if he still remembered how.
I never realized I was spread too thin
Till it was too late
And I was empty within
Hungry!
Feeding on chaos
And living in sin
Downward spiral where do I begin?
It all started when I lost my mother
No love for myself
And no love for another.
Searching to find a love up on a higher level
Finding nothing but questions and devils
Kel's eyes wandered around the room and immediately locked on the suicide weapons at Joren's feat. She hissed in a deep breath, shocked, appalled, and frightened. She didn't even need to say it; it was so obvious. Silence rang unhallowed through the air, speaking for itself stronger than words ever could. Somehow they just seemed empty and meaningless. It was the unspoken that held the power. The silence was the truth.
"Why?" She whispered softly, amazingly curious even though she knew that she didn't want to know the answer. She knew it'd scare her. She knew she wanted no part of this hell. Yet she asked anyway.
He lifted up his head, his cold cloudy gaze meeting her squarely in the eye. "Because."
She didn't say anything; the silence still held a power over her.
She was almost disappointed. She wanted him to tell her what was going on. She wanted him to open up to her. But his one word stately clearly that he wouldn't. He didn't think she could handle it.
Maybe she was wrong.
"I'm out of crack," he said slowly and evenly, blocking out the feeling and acting as if he was merely commenting on something as simple as being out of sugar to bake a cake. "I can't deal with the nightmares anymore," She wanted to ask 'what nightmares?' But refrained. If she said anything now it'd be like scaring away a skiddy horse that was finally beginning to trust you. He went on, "The nightmares from the LSD. That stuff 'ill give some crazy hallucinations." He paused; sensing that Kel knew it went beyond that. Beyond just the drugs. "And no one even gives a damn." He whispered.
Cuz I'm losing my sight
Losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me in fine
Losing my sight
Losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine
Nothing's alright
Nothing is fine
I'm running and I'm crying
I'm crying
I'm crying
I'm crying
I'm crying
Saying that one line cracked him. He had always felt isolated his entire life. Maybe it was his father constantly pushing him away, or the way he had no friends, only enemies, but for whatever the reason…his built up defenses crashed to the ground; letting out a roar of passion that was his soul screaming to be free. He cried.
Angry, bursting, passionate sobs. They wrenched his very heart, his body shaking uncontrollably. He couldn't think straight the tears were so overwhelming. He couldn't remember ever feeling this way. It was like all his essence was floating out of him…he felt empty and relived. A twisted feeling of good and evil. It wasn't until he even realized he was crying, the sensation being so new to him that at first he hardly recognized it, that he became aware of Kel.
He could have screamed if his throat had not been so choked down with lamentation. This strong independent girl was witness to his breakdown. She knew the truth now. And he despised that.
But why? Why? He had always wanted people to wake up out of their happy rainbow worlds…to see reality the way he saw it. To understand what he was going through…to know that the perihelia of the drugs was the truth…
And now someone did.
But all he could feel was shame, and anger. He was ashamed for letting her see his weakness. He knew he was weak, the dependence on the drugs proved that. But he had persistently denied it, covering it up with saying that it was 'the truth,' feeble excuses but the only protection he had from the bitter pain and shame.
And he was angry because he had shown this girl the truth. He was the one who had always tried to destroy her dreams…not because he was evil or mean…he just didn't want to disappoint her. He seriously didn't think she'd make it, and the sooner she learned that the better. Live by the truth was his motto. But…now…after he had seen that she was strong…stronger than him, and that'd she make it…he was sorry. But it was too late to apologize. He couldn't mend what he had done, but he could end the hatred. Stop spreading the animosity to destroy her world too.
And now? He had practically corrupted this innocent victim with the truth.
The truth the truth the truth. He had dwelled his entire existence on 'the truth.' But what was actually true? What was reality? There's no such thing. Realization dawned on him. It didn't exist. There was no truth.
I can't go on living this way
Cut my life into pieces
This is my last resort
Suffocation
No breathing
Don't give a fuck if I cut my arm, bleeding!
Would it be wrong?
Would it be right?
If I took my life tonight
Chances are that I might
Mutilation outta sight
And I'm contemplating suicide
And his world came crashing down.
His entire life was all about the truth, and now that he didn't have that anymore, he had nothing. Nothing!
He never had anything before anyway…only living as a shell of his former self. But at least he had his sanity.
No more.
So he ran.
He bolted out the door, down the hall, his feet heading in a direction he knew not. They carried him away, his legs pounding the hard floor beneath him, the insanity taking over. He could feel it attacking him, controlling him. He traveled at an unearthly speed, a pace that would have killed a normal man. Yet he went on anyway, ignoring the pain cursing through his veins, almost welcoming it. It was something stable that could pull him back down to earth, away from the insanity. He embraced it with his very life, knowing that if he lost it he'd be worse than dead. He'd be crazy.
Kel called after him but knew it would do no good. Something had possessed him, and nothing she could do would save him. All she could do was run after him, follow him until he reached the end of his rationality.
Cuz I'm losing my sight
Losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine
Losing my sight
Losing my mind
Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine
Nothing's alright
Nothing is fine
I'm running and I'm crying
His feet had a life of their own, ever moving on an unseen path. They followed the trail of blood and life and brought him to the gates of death. A shadow fell upon him, and when he glanced up he saw that he had reached the base of a tall, circular tower.
He opened the door with determined stature, the great wooden panel swinging open eerily. Air scented with incense and candles filled his nostrils, inhaling the scent of sacrilegious worship to Satan.
He mechanically grabbed a torch nearby and held it to the soft luminous light of the lamp by the door. The torch alighted with flames, the light was rough and unearthly, and could only illuminate so much.
He stepped forward; ignoring the iron shadows, and climbed. Up, up, up. Up he ran. Up Bailor's Needle.
Of course! It was so obvious! He should have seen it before…the way to kill yourself wasn't by overdosing. No, there was always that percentage of doubt that it wouldn't work… No. The way to do it was to jump. It was glamorous, it was thrilling, it was perfect.
It was his last resort. There was no truth.
I can't go on living this way
Can't go on
Living this way
Nothing's alright
~
~*Saphron*~
Song is Last Resort by Paparaoch. Seriously scary song. I do not condone this song and/or lyrics in anyway…scares me too much…but it makes one helluva angst fic.
National Suicide hotline 1-800-SUICIDE. I think so anyhow. Call it if you ever need it. Saved my friend's life. (The one Voodoo was based on.)
Um, last part of the Joren Saga I think is gonna be Jumper, by Third Eye Blind. And then that's it. ^-^ No more depressing stuff from me. Or maybe so…I don't yet. Thinking about a Kel songfic, Falls Apart by Sugar Ray. Maybe.