A/N: So I was reading through my earlier work and I cringed. A lot. My first person tenses are dreadful, and this, to me, is just as bad, but I was happier with it than the third person version. I'm still not sure about this - it's more of an experimental work, but if you have time please review and let me know how you found it. :)
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter.
I was always lost.
Mother and Narcissa would often tell me I looked lost at parties. Of course, they didn't mean it how I felt it – they meant it like I didn't know what I was doing there. I did. I was there because I was Bellatrix Black. Black hair, Black eyes, Black name, Black life – destined for marriage to a man close to my social status. A pure man who would be the father of my children. Balls and gatherings were expected and I had every right to be there. I didn't want to be. Andromeda and I sometimes managed to escape the awful events – faces flushed with heat from the alcohol, words slurring, giggling like we never would while sober. We both wanted to escape. Escape. I wanted to escape from the parties, the expectations, the fate I was born with. She wished to escape it all.
I wanted a passion. I had nothing between all the everythings I received as a Black. Nothing I got a burning ache for, nothing that made my soul roar, nothing that made my heart ignite. And then He came along, and I found it. I found my everything. The everything I had been waiting for for so long – the everything that made me breathless and set me alive from the mere thought of it. My passion. Cissy stuck to the dresses, the tea, the dancing. Andromeda lost herself in books, daydreaming, writing.
I lost myself in the pure bliss of knowing I was doing the right thing. Female Warrior – what I was called, what I became. I could feel the ecstasy and adrenaline that flowed through my veins and carried me and made me dizzy.
The Blacks were believed to be as close to Royalty as the Wizarding World got. And whenever I tortured or murdered, whenever I was rewarded or punished or ordered to please the Dark Lord, I felt like Royalty. I felt like a Princess who had been locked up and then at long last had been released into her fantasy world. The dream world she believed she would never find. And it was my passion.