Telethon

DJ Dubois

January 2008

Rating: T (Teen—language, suggested adult situation)

Notes Part 1: This takes place during either Seasons 2 or 3.

Notes Part 2: House MD belongs to FOX and its copyright holders. All other characters are fictitious and of my own invention.

Chapter 1 [Monday after Thanksgiving]

House stalked into his office fresh off of a relaxing weekend at home. No Clinic. No whining. No nursemaiding from Cameron. Even Cuddy being out of town gave him a brief respite from the nightmares.

It was just him, his guitar, the piano, lots of hard liquor and Steve McQueen as a willing audience. He could definitely deal with that…..

An hour earlier, he'd scored a ticket to the Monster Trucks Rally in Newark on the following Saturday.

The world should always be like this! He smirked while putting on his headphones and listening to the philosophical lyrics of Morrison and Buffett and closed his eyes.

Life was good…..

[Twenty minutes later]

Cuddy walked back into her office after a long weekend in the Hamptons with friends. With Wilson running things back at PPTH, she tried to have fun, managing to enjoy dinner and some walks with Paula Travers, an old classmate from med school, and her family. They watched some movies and did some shopping in the specialty stores there.

Of course, Paula's harping about her finding a man didn't help matters any.

Nor did Wilson's calls concerning House blowing off his Clinic shifts.

And then there was Peter Waynewright's message on her home phone fuming over the appointment she'd set up between him and House from the previous week. The high-roller donor had a rare fungal condition on his groin and asked for discretion.

She'd arranged for him and House to meet in the Clinic—trying to be discreet in the process.

House, being as 'discreet' as he always was, accused Waynewright of being 'too frisky with Little Petey'….

…over the hospital's central loudspeaker….

Way to go, House! She growled while gulping down a cup of coffee and changing into her white lab coat. She'd check on the Clinic and the cases first to make sure nothing else had been screwed up first. Then she'd confront House….

Before she could leave, the phone rang.

Now what? "Hello?" she answered.

"Dean Cuddy, this is Arthur Rathburne. How are you doing this morning?"

She smiled, letting her voice relax so as not to antagonize another donor. "I'm fine, Mr. Rathburne. How are you?"

"I'm great. I was calling to ask for volunteers for our network telethon next weekend. Unfortunately, my staff's tied up at a retreat and I'll be short three spots. Think any of the doctors would be willing to pitch in for the day? I'd be extremely grateful if you could find someone," he explained.

She grimaced, knowing that the man in question had already asked her out twice. "It's no trouble, Mr. Rathburne. I'll definitely fill those three spots. Just let me look at the Clinic roster and I'll make sure that I don't get someone who's scheduled for there."

"Sounds great. I know you'd appreciate the extra $2500.00 added onto my annual donation check. Besides maybe you can say hi to Carmen?" he indicated.

"Carmen?"

"My new girlfriend."

She felt a big weight being lifted off of her shoulders while she pulled up the Clinic schedule on her computer screen. As she skimmed the names therein, she saw everyone was pulling a few hours that weekend with one exception. How'd he do it now? "I'll have to juggle some spots but definitely you'll have your people, Mr. Rathburne."

"Splendid. Thank you, Dean Cuddy. Please send me an email with the names and schedule, will you? Have a great day," he concluded.

She hung up the phone pondering how the schedule had ended up as it had. Before she left, she made sure House had been scheduled for three hours each day on the following weekend. Yet now, she saw Wilson's name in his place. "How many times do I have to change my damn password?"

She glanced at her purse and the CD sticking out of it. Paula thought she'd be clever by giving me a Wagner CD. She had no idea…..

Chapter 2 [Seven Minutes Later]

After double checking various details with her office assistant and Nurse Henderson, Cuddy stood in House's doorway watching her most notorious/creative doctor enjoying a deep siesta. She tsked at the pile of folders on his desk not that she was surprised.

If a case bored him, it would take divine intervention to get him to pick it up again.

She crept over to the CD player and saw that whatever was in it had stopped playing. This is going to be too easy! She slowly and carefully opened the top, making sure he snoozed on as she did so. She swapped the disc with her Wagner CD.

Then she turned the volume all the way up, set the player to the appropriate track, pressed play and stepped back.

Instantly, the Ride of the Valkyries boomed into House's eardrums.

The diagnostician jumped a good foot from his seat. "Damn it! What the Hell?" He snatched the ear phones from his head and slammed them to the desk.

"You've got no idea, House," she informed him tersely. "Enjoying yourself?"

"You wish," he groused while rubbing his ears and shaking his head back into place. "Thought you were going to be out of town until tomorrow. Knew Wilson's whining would bring you back early."

"Actually it was Little Petey. Remember him, House?" she snapped. "I just ask one thing out of you last week. Just one. Couldn't you be nice to him?"

"Hey! I told Waynewright that he had a venereal disease, all right? He thinks the magic white cream will fix everything. I told him to quit showing Little Petey a good time so much. He made some half-assed comment that he would do it if I announced it over the speaker," he recounted.

She grimaced. "Which of course you did. House, he was being sarcastic, all right?"

"Hey, he told me to do it! You told me to listen to the patients more. Remember?" he jabbed back, adding the blank-eyed stare for emphasis.

She rubbed her temples, feeling the headache coming. "I didn't mean like that…."

"Oh so now, you don't want me respecting their little feelings? Love those loopholes, Boss. Don't they suck?" he inquired, adding his own sarcasm to the mix.

"That's not what I meant!" she countered. "House, why do you have to be such an ass?"

"Because you love me just the way I am?" he replied while tilting his head to the left and pouting just a bit.

"Oh I love you all right," she told him. "I love you so much that we're going to spend the whole weekend together. You choose where."

He scrunched his brow. "Can't. Got plans."

"Tough. Break them because you and I are either doing the entire weekend in the Clinic or downtown at the television studio. And if you pick the former, just be aware, it's the start of a whole month of Clinic duty," she informed him with a straight face.

"Yeah right," he scoffed.

She reached under his couch and pulled out the mini-TV from its hiding place. "No soaps either."

"HEY!"

"What's the matter, House? Not feeling so in control now, are you?" she supposed. "Look, you just embarrassed me in front of a major donor! I will make you do a whole month of Clinic duty where I'll have Henderson pull up every little sniffle, whiny parent, obnoxious street person and even team you up with Parker to really make your day."

"I'll bet Henderson's gearing up for that. Too bad I've already got all of these cases."

"I've already reassigned them." She walked into the office and grabbed the files from his desk. "I'm waiting for an answer."

"That desperate? Man, it must suck not to be able to get a date."

"At least I spent the weekend with fellow humans instead of being blasted with a rat. Hope you liked it because it's the last one for a while!" she informed him.

"Talk is cheap, Cuddy," he retorted.

"Not when I'm done this time. So, what's it going to be?" she pressed while folding her arms across her chest. "A month in the Clinic or a weekend of community service?"

At the words, community service, he wondered, What would be worth doing in a weekend what she can use to torture me for an entire month? Something stinks! "And what's the service?"

"That's for me to know and you to find out," she informed him. "Well?"

"Fine." He rolled his eyes. "We'll do the studio. Try not to wear anything too revealing, Cuddy."

"Keep dreaming, House." She walked out of the suite while lugging the mini-TV after herself. Her stratagem had worked or so she thought…..