The Adventures of Spike and Mr. E
by Jason Tando and Mania is Bliss
Episode 1: Strong, Silent Type
Venice Beach was a glorified slum, and everybody who lived there knew it. It didn't always used to be this way, but with the recent wave of crimes, one of the worst places you could be was the Oakland neighborhood. And it was certainly not the place where a lady would want to walk unescorted after dark.
A faint pale mist, brightened by the evanescent glow from the quarter moon illuminated the corner of 7th and California Ave near the Oakland Rec Center. Nova walked casually towards the Rec Center, with her husband Adam. Of course tonight, they weren't themselves.
Nova found herself with a lot of free time, being the owner and proprietor of Precious Memories, a photography studio that specialized in baby photos. Adam was a freelance software developer so there were numerous days in the week where he had nothing to do. With that free time they spent a lot of time online. And that's when they learned about him.
Kick Ass.
At first, Nova thought the boy was an absolute joke. She was an actual martial artist, with a bit of training in American Karate and Taekwondo (she held a purple-belt in each). Her favorite discipline was Jiujitsu, and in that she had gone all the way, reaching the rank of black-belt. She had actual training. Kick Ass had two overlarge Tonfas and a skiing suit. Who was this boy kidding by dressing up and playing at being a superhero.
She and Adam had followed him though. And when they found out about Hit Girl, that's when the fire in her belly was stoked. Here was this little girl who was an absolute killing machine. By this time, playing superhero had become a sort of fashion-statement in New York City and in other scattered places around the country.
But who was watching Nova and Adam's neighborhood?
"We could do it, you know?" She had said to him the night they watched the horrifying torture of Kick Ass and the murder of Big Daddy.
"You think so?" Adam asked.
Adam had only studied one martial art, and it was a relatively obscure one: Shotokan. But he was a black-belt of Shotokan and was a large man to boot. Plus, whether she liked to admit it or not, he was a bit smarter than she was. Just a bit.
"We have more training than most of these clowns. We need to show the punks in this town that we're not afraid of them!" Nova insisted.
"You're a photographer. I'm a software developer," Adam said.
"We're both fighters Adam. And we have all the time we need to help others," she insisted.
They argued like this for some time before Adam finally relented. He did have one condition though.
"I've taking my .45 with me," he said.
"We don't need a gun, Adam," Nova said. This was the same argument she'd used against him getting his .45 in the first place, but then (just as now) he put his foot down.
"I don't care how strong we are, the people we're up against are going to have guns too. I'm not going to put you in danger unless I have something proper that I can protect you with," Adam said firmly.
Nova bit her lip and folded her arms. After a few moments she grunted. "Fine. But you only use it in an emergency, understood?"
Adam shrugged. "Very well."
Finding their costumes were easy enough. Adam simply wore a full black suit with a black shirt and tie and a black fedora hat. He covered his eyes with a pair of shades. When Nova asked why he'd chosen it Adam responded that he always felt most confident wearing a suit and the suit jacket and shirt were loose enough that they wouldn't constrict his movements. For his weapon he chose to take his Bo Staff from his Shotokan training. He had actually constructed a Bo that extended from about half its size in the same way that a radio antenna extends. He capped off the top with a small ball and made it look like a harmless walking stick. The illusion was good.
Nova chose to go for a bit more flair. She really liked what Hit Girl had done with her outfit and decided to try a take on it with her own style. She wore a black strap shirt with spikes around the straps, denim shorts and a pair of spiked red and black stiletto heels. She put on a pair of brass knuckles that had spikes at each knuckle and to conceal herself she took a sheer crimson and silver scarf and tied it around her eyes like a blindfold. She could see perfectly fine, but it was difficult to make out her eyes.
"You don't leave much to the imagination," Adam said looking her over. She strapped six throwing daggers to each of her hips and tucked her two favorite daggers a black and white one which she named Slice and Dice respectively, into her pockets.
"I want to look like easy prey," Nova explained. "Make some fool pay for underestimating me, you know. Plus, I look hot."
That much was certainly true, and Adam coughed slightly and changed the subject. "So, lovely, what are our super hero names going to be?"
Nova looked at her outfit in the mirror. "I think my name will be Spike."
"That's straightforward enough," Adam said. "And I will be your humble sidekick and butler Mister E."
"Why Mister E?" Nova asked.
"Say it three time fast," Adam explained.
Nova did so in her head and put her head in her palm. "That's terrible."
"We're dressing up to fight crime," Adam said calmly. "I think a certain degree of campiness is allowed."
"Okay then," Nova said. "I don't plan to do much talking, so I'll let you be my voice. And since you always like to have your fun in the bedroom I think I'll be the one giving the orders in this business, understood?"
Adam smirked but shrugged again. "Sure thing Milady."
It had been two weeks since they'd begun their crusade that they now found themselves on the corner of 7th and California Ave. And as they cut down San Juan Ct, a group of six men began to follow them. Spike found herself getting a bit excited. Her first fight as her crime-fighting alter ego.
"Hey lady!" Shouted one of the punks. "Stop wasting time with the old geezer and spend some with us."
"Does the fedora make me look old?" Mr. E asked Spike quietly. Spike looked him over and shrugged. They were both in their late 20s. She then nodded towards the road and they continued walking. The punks grew closer.
"Hey bitch, I was talking to you," the punk shouted again, his surfer dude accent grating on Spike's nerves more than his actual words.
The two stopped in unison and turned. The rabble of the six punks were a mere five feet behind them. Spike bent over and whispered in Mr. E's ear.
"I quite agree Milady," Mr. E said, taking a step towards the punks.
"What'd she say?" The first punk asked.
"She said that somebody should teach you a thing about respecting women," Mr. E said. "I'll give you an opportunity now to leave us be, or suffer the consequences."
"Oh yeah?" Another punk said, pulling out a small pocket knife. "What if we don't want to leave you alone? What then, tough guy?"
Spike leaned over and whispered in his ear again.
"Yo, what is that bitch saying?" The punk with the knife demanded.
Mr. E smiled. "She said you calling that little thing a knife was just adorable."
In a flash of movement Spike reached for two throwing daggers and before the punks had time to react both hit the punk holding the knife in the shoulder-blades. He dropped the knife as he bellowed in pain. The first punk rushed in to punch Mr. E, but he lifted his walking stick, nailing him in the chest and then delivered a follow-up front kick which knocked him onto the ground, he popped the top off of his walking stick and extended his staff to its full length.
"Plenty more where that came from gentlemen, if you will just form an orderly line," Mr. E said calmly.
The remaining four rushed in all at once, but sadly it wasn't much of a challenge for the two of them. Spike nailed one short guy in the face with her brass knuckles and then dug her stiletto heels into his crotch. She slashed at his buddy with Slice and Dice until he accidentally backed up into a reverse spin from Mr. E's Bo. Another came charging up the middle, having picked up the other's knife but Spike grabbed his arm, twisted it behind his back and snapped it at the wrist. The last punk who was still relatively uninjured decided to learn from the mistakes of other and promptly fled.
Police sirens sounded off in the distance. Mister E picked up the first punk whom he'd knocked to the ground.
"Now listen, this is for posterity, so when they ask you who did this to you, the names are Spike and Mr. E," Mr. E explained. "Be a good boy, you'll feel better in no time."
Mr. E retracted his Bo Staff and Spike pulled her daggers out of the knife punk's shoulders as he groaned again. The flashing blue lights lit up the end of the street and Spike and Mr. E ran down a side road, heading back to where they'd parked their car.
"Not bad for our first real fight, eh?" Nova said as she took off her scarf.
"Just over too quickly," Adam sighed, putting his shades away.
"I was right though, right?" Nova insisted.
"As always. I really should stop doubting you," Adam nodded.
"You know just what a girl wants to hear," Nova smiled.
"If he wants to avoid a stiletto heel in his groin."