Title: The Mask
Author: Jessi galaxy@pobox.alaska.net
Rating: PG
Archiving: sure, just let me know
Feedback: Purdy please! If you don't, I'll sic my pet polar bear on ya
Disclaimer: Farscape is not mine, yada yada, neither are its characters duh please don't sue me, I need to go to college and become a productive member of society, or something like that...
It took Aeryn Sun almost three arns to find where the human John Crichton was hiding himself. When he'd disappeared into the bowels of the ship, hours ago, the others had told her to simply let him go. "He's been through much" Zhann calmly explained, holding on to the Sebaccean woman's arm as she moved to follow the human who had just stormed out of Command.
But now, arns later, Aeryn knew that she should have gone with her first instinct and followed Crichton. Ever since they had rescued him from the Gamac base, she had been worried about the human--his usual incomprehensible humor and silly antics becoming more and more pronounced until D'Argo finally lost his temper, belittling John, his ancestors, and his species until the laughter that had been with the human for days suddenly disappeared, microts before the human himself ran from the room.
And now, standing outside the small cargo bay that usually served as her gym, Aeryn knew that something had to be done. Taking a deep breath and stepping into the room, pausing as she heard John's voice muttering to itself, his tone taking on a sing-song quality as he continued. She stood for a moment, actually feeling nervous about the upcoming confrontation. 'Frell it!' she thought to herself 'you've gone into battle and not felt this nervous. You're a soldier, go in and get the job done.' The internal monologue kicked the Peacekeeper in her to the fore, and before Aeryn knew what was happening she found herself in a standing position next to the curled up body of John Crichton. The human showed no signs of noticing the other person in the room, the slight rocking and muttering never breaking their cadence.
Another deep breath, and Aeryn sat down next to John, close enough for her shoulder to brush his. The light touch was enough to bring the human back from wherever his mind had taken him, glassy eyes turning to face her, gradually clearing to a bright blue as his mind processed who was next to him.
"Aeryn?" The voice was rough and questioning, making him sound like a child who had been woken up in the middle of his nap.
"John" Aeryn replied, her worry evident in her voice. "You ran off." This time a tint of anger was present in her words "you promised me you would never run off again, that you would talk."
The accusation was evident, causing John to lower his head to his chest in guilt. Another promise he had not kept. "I know. I just couldn't...couldn't..." words failed him as he felt a sob lodge itself in his chest. He would not cry. He would not cry. His mind searched desperately for something else to say. Something else to do. Anything to keep the ball in his chest from bursting its way out.
He was just about to loose his fight when Aeryn's soft voice broke through the cloud suffocating his mind. "What were you saying earlier, when I first came in?" He looked at her in confusion, not understanding. She clarified. "You were talking to yourself, it almost sounded like rhyming...."
A moment more and a look of recognition crossed his face. "An old poem" he said, pulling himself up straighter and turning to face her more fully. "One that I remember from when my mother died…I guess I use it for comfort, in a twisted sort of way. It helps me go on."
They sat pressed together for several silent moments, each with their own thoughts, before Aeryn's voice once again broke the silence. "Say it for me?"
When John hesitated for a moment, then a moment more, the former Peacekeeper began to suspect she had made a mistake. What was she to know about all this emotion dren, after all. "Only if you want to" she quickly added, hoping it wasn't to late, "you don't have to if you don't want to."
John was silent for a microt more before licking his lips and responding, a slight waver in his voice. "No, that's okay. I want to...It's just...." He trailed off, searching for the words before continuing "It's just that it's private. Something I don't think the other would understand." He leaned forward then, his breath brushing against her face as his hand came up to run along her jaw. "But you," his voice was so soft she had to strain to hear it, "but you, I think, may understand. Of everybody, I think you would be the one to understand." He pulled away then, resuming his previous position against her shoulder.
There was more silence before the human breathed in, holding his breath for a minute before he began.
~We wear the mask that grins and lies,
It hides out cheeks and shades our eyes,-
This debt we pay to human guile;
With torn and bleeding hearts we smile,
And mouth with myriad subtleties.~
He hadn't looked at her as he began, his voice soft and timid, as though he still wasn't sure this was such a good idea. But, as the lines continued, emotion began to seep through, tears pooling in the corner of his eyes then spilling over to run down his cheeks. And he continued.
~Why should the world be over-wise,
In counting all our tears and sighs?
Nay, let them only see us, while
We wear the mask.~
His face had turned inward, cheek and nosed pressed against the soft cotton of her top, his tears slowly weaving their way through the light threads until she felt the dampness on her skin. And still he continued.
We smile, but, O great Christ, our cries
To thee from tortured souls arise.
We sing, but oh the clay is vile
Beneath out feet, and long the mile;
But let the world dream otherwise,
We wear the mask!
The last line was said with a sob, and what had been a slow stream of tears erupted into heaving sobs that shook them both, John pressing his face against her while she stroked his head, neck, and back, whispering to him in an attempt to comfort the broken man holding on to her.
Eventually the tears stopped, John's streaked face turning upward to meet with hers. His normally striking blue eyes seemed even brighter in contrast to the red puffiness of his face, the excess liquid making them sparkle even in the dimness of the gym. "Aeryn" he whispered softly, a hand coming up to skim along her skin. It wasn't until his hand touched her face that Aeryn realized she had been crying as well. Her. The Peacekeeper. Crying. She averted her eyes from the human's, the very thought of crying sending a shock through her, forcing her to fight the urge to pull away from the strange alien being that had not only torn her away from her home and the only family she knew, but was now making her lose control of her very emotions.
"Aeryn" John called again, pulling her back to herself. She was amazed to find that he had pulled her partially into his lap so that she now rested between his legs, her back pressed against his chest. "Aeryn. It's ok. It's ok to cry sometimes. We can't pretend forever. We can't wear the mask forever. It will break is we don't take it off every now and then."
It took her fogged mind a moment to process what he was saying. Masks? The human poetry told how one can hide their emotions behind a smile, behind humor. What did that have to do with her? The answer was whispered into her ear, causing Aeryn to wonder as to when John learned to read her so well.
"I smile and joke, it's my defense. It makes sure that nothing can hurt me. You, you sit behind your stoicism, your face telling everyone that it doesn't matter to you. That it doesn't effect you. Different masks, but a mask never the less.
She thought about it for a moment more, then nodded, allowing her body to sink back against his. They stayed that way for arns, not saying anything, just enjoying the closeness and freedom coming from two people learning not to hide from the other. Enjoying the peace. Enjoying the removal of the mask.
"Wear the Mask" is by Paul Laurence Dunbar, 1896.
Author: Jessi galaxy@pobox.alaska.net
Rating: PG
Archiving: sure, just let me know
Feedback: Purdy please! If you don't, I'll sic my pet polar bear on ya
Disclaimer: Farscape is not mine, yada yada, neither are its characters duh please don't sue me, I need to go to college and become a productive member of society, or something like that...
It took Aeryn Sun almost three arns to find where the human John Crichton was hiding himself. When he'd disappeared into the bowels of the ship, hours ago, the others had told her to simply let him go. "He's been through much" Zhann calmly explained, holding on to the Sebaccean woman's arm as she moved to follow the human who had just stormed out of Command.
But now, arns later, Aeryn knew that she should have gone with her first instinct and followed Crichton. Ever since they had rescued him from the Gamac base, she had been worried about the human--his usual incomprehensible humor and silly antics becoming more and more pronounced until D'Argo finally lost his temper, belittling John, his ancestors, and his species until the laughter that had been with the human for days suddenly disappeared, microts before the human himself ran from the room.
And now, standing outside the small cargo bay that usually served as her gym, Aeryn knew that something had to be done. Taking a deep breath and stepping into the room, pausing as she heard John's voice muttering to itself, his tone taking on a sing-song quality as he continued. She stood for a moment, actually feeling nervous about the upcoming confrontation. 'Frell it!' she thought to herself 'you've gone into battle and not felt this nervous. You're a soldier, go in and get the job done.' The internal monologue kicked the Peacekeeper in her to the fore, and before Aeryn knew what was happening she found herself in a standing position next to the curled up body of John Crichton. The human showed no signs of noticing the other person in the room, the slight rocking and muttering never breaking their cadence.
Another deep breath, and Aeryn sat down next to John, close enough for her shoulder to brush his. The light touch was enough to bring the human back from wherever his mind had taken him, glassy eyes turning to face her, gradually clearing to a bright blue as his mind processed who was next to him.
"Aeryn?" The voice was rough and questioning, making him sound like a child who had been woken up in the middle of his nap.
"John" Aeryn replied, her worry evident in her voice. "You ran off." This time a tint of anger was present in her words "you promised me you would never run off again, that you would talk."
The accusation was evident, causing John to lower his head to his chest in guilt. Another promise he had not kept. "I know. I just couldn't...couldn't..." words failed him as he felt a sob lodge itself in his chest. He would not cry. He would not cry. His mind searched desperately for something else to say. Something else to do. Anything to keep the ball in his chest from bursting its way out.
He was just about to loose his fight when Aeryn's soft voice broke through the cloud suffocating his mind. "What were you saying earlier, when I first came in?" He looked at her in confusion, not understanding. She clarified. "You were talking to yourself, it almost sounded like rhyming...."
A moment more and a look of recognition crossed his face. "An old poem" he said, pulling himself up straighter and turning to face her more fully. "One that I remember from when my mother died…I guess I use it for comfort, in a twisted sort of way. It helps me go on."
They sat pressed together for several silent moments, each with their own thoughts, before Aeryn's voice once again broke the silence. "Say it for me?"
When John hesitated for a moment, then a moment more, the former Peacekeeper began to suspect she had made a mistake. What was she to know about all this emotion dren, after all. "Only if you want to" she quickly added, hoping it wasn't to late, "you don't have to if you don't want to."
John was silent for a microt more before licking his lips and responding, a slight waver in his voice. "No, that's okay. I want to...It's just...." He trailed off, searching for the words before continuing "It's just that it's private. Something I don't think the other would understand." He leaned forward then, his breath brushing against her face as his hand came up to run along her jaw. "But you," his voice was so soft she had to strain to hear it, "but you, I think, may understand. Of everybody, I think you would be the one to understand." He pulled away then, resuming his previous position against her shoulder.
There was more silence before the human breathed in, holding his breath for a minute before he began.
~We wear the mask that grins and lies,
It hides out cheeks and shades our eyes,-
This debt we pay to human guile;
With torn and bleeding hearts we smile,
And mouth with myriad subtleties.~
He hadn't looked at her as he began, his voice soft and timid, as though he still wasn't sure this was such a good idea. But, as the lines continued, emotion began to seep through, tears pooling in the corner of his eyes then spilling over to run down his cheeks. And he continued.
~Why should the world be over-wise,
In counting all our tears and sighs?
Nay, let them only see us, while
We wear the mask.~
His face had turned inward, cheek and nosed pressed against the soft cotton of her top, his tears slowly weaving their way through the light threads until she felt the dampness on her skin. And still he continued.
We smile, but, O great Christ, our cries
To thee from tortured souls arise.
We sing, but oh the clay is vile
Beneath out feet, and long the mile;
But let the world dream otherwise,
We wear the mask!
The last line was said with a sob, and what had been a slow stream of tears erupted into heaving sobs that shook them both, John pressing his face against her while she stroked his head, neck, and back, whispering to him in an attempt to comfort the broken man holding on to her.
Eventually the tears stopped, John's streaked face turning upward to meet with hers. His normally striking blue eyes seemed even brighter in contrast to the red puffiness of his face, the excess liquid making them sparkle even in the dimness of the gym. "Aeryn" he whispered softly, a hand coming up to skim along her skin. It wasn't until his hand touched her face that Aeryn realized she had been crying as well. Her. The Peacekeeper. Crying. She averted her eyes from the human's, the very thought of crying sending a shock through her, forcing her to fight the urge to pull away from the strange alien being that had not only torn her away from her home and the only family she knew, but was now making her lose control of her very emotions.
"Aeryn" John called again, pulling her back to herself. She was amazed to find that he had pulled her partially into his lap so that she now rested between his legs, her back pressed against his chest. "Aeryn. It's ok. It's ok to cry sometimes. We can't pretend forever. We can't wear the mask forever. It will break is we don't take it off every now and then."
It took her fogged mind a moment to process what he was saying. Masks? The human poetry told how one can hide their emotions behind a smile, behind humor. What did that have to do with her? The answer was whispered into her ear, causing Aeryn to wonder as to when John learned to read her so well.
"I smile and joke, it's my defense. It makes sure that nothing can hurt me. You, you sit behind your stoicism, your face telling everyone that it doesn't matter to you. That it doesn't effect you. Different masks, but a mask never the less.
She thought about it for a moment more, then nodded, allowing her body to sink back against his. They stayed that way for arns, not saying anything, just enjoying the closeness and freedom coming from two people learning not to hide from the other. Enjoying the peace. Enjoying the removal of the mask.
"Wear the Mask" is by Paul Laurence Dunbar, 1896.