I should be doing homework right now, but the oneshot plotbunnies are attacking me. Help!!
(PS. You probably won't like the ending. Sorry bout that…)
I'm not afraid to die.
I turn my head to the right, to see the sleeping beauty next to me. She really is an angel. Everything she does is with the best intentions, even though her dreams were often childish. So is her view of the world. The world is like a fairytale to her and she's the pretty princess, whose dreams always come true. And I'm supposed to be her handsome prince, who loves her forever and will always fight for her, who will always prevail. Life is simple, everything goes exactly the way you want it to and death is only for old people.
She isn't a princess. And I'm not her prince. Nothing, not even a world filled with magic and GF's will ever make my life a fairytale, but she won't see that. I'm her prince and I've saved her, so our lives must be a fairytale, and now we're going to live happily ever after and nothing bad will ever happen again. She can't see that isn't true, because she always lived a life without sorrow, or worries. She can't see that the world isn't the beautiful place she dreams about. She'll never see that I can't live a perfect life for her. Not now. Not ever. I can't live happily ever after without any threats.
I push the blankets off me and walk to the kitchen, finding my way in the dark. Maybe I'll make myself a coffee or something. I can't sleep anyway, so what's another mug of caffeine? I could go to the training centre, but even unjunctioned I'd kill anything that crosses my path, even a horde of T-Rexaurs. No, I'm not bragging, it's the truth. I haven't trained for six months, but even if I didn't touch my gunblade for another six months I doubt I'd be any weaker, or any less paranoid.
Nobody seems to understand what it does to a person, if I can be called a person. I haven't miraculously started talking, or smiling on a daily basis. I can't. Nobody understands it. Except for Zell. Quistis has found a new goal in life; teaching. Selphie and Irvine are cruising the planet. I haven't found a new goal in life, despite my 'relationship' with Rinoa. That leaves Zell and me. I'm sure he was the first one of us who saw it, later on the others saw it too and they sought new reasons to live. I never made an attempt to seek out a new destiny for myself. I still believed I was ment to be with Rinoa back then. I'm not so sure anymore. He never attempted to search a new life either, since he was 'happily' living with his mom and all. But he said it to me one morning:
"I don't have anything to live for anymore."
He said that. That was one week after his mother had died. I don't have anything to live for anymore.
Job done, world saved, life over. Game over.
He was right, you know… And it was the first time I was afraid of dying. Mind you, I'm not afraid of death. I've died hundreds of times, only to have my heart jump started again by a Phoenix Down. I'm not afraid to die. Zell wasn't. It was a terrible thing to see him dying. On the inside..
I don't want my purpose to live fading away. But it's slowly slipping. I can't live a fairytale dream like everyone expects me to. Happy endings aren't meant for me.
I love her. I do. But I hate her life.
How often have I stood with a kitchen knife in my hands, thinking about slitting my wrists? I can't do it. I don't know why. I'm not afraid to die. Zell wasn't. And still I don't know why I've never done it.
Why didn't I just slit my wrists and died on the bathroom floor, so someone would find me, like they found him.