Running away is something you do when you're a kid. But when you're grown up it seems silly. And then, where would I run to? Because it's a big city and all, but I can't get lost here. And then I'll start to get hungry and I'll want to come back home, cos even though there's not much food there, at least there's a chance I'll find something. And I don't want to be another of the poor homeless wretches on the street corner, a hand out toward passing carriages, deaf to the scoffs of the rich. My brother was lucky he got away. But the people on the streets, they're mostly men, and they're older than me, and that might not end well for me.
Not that I haven't had to cope with men like that before. I didn't want to have anything to do with Montparnasse after what he did, but I see him all the time and holding a grudge is hard work. And anyway Azelma refused him because she knew it would upset me even more. But why her? Everyone tells us we look so much alike. Is it because she is younger? Her hair is a different shade than mine. Is that it? She is happier, more naive.
Younger? He's years older than me! But maybe he doesn't think about that. It must be because she's happier. I guess. But anyway every time I see him now he's with this pretty whore, so I guess it came out well for all of us. Except that I'm still alone, but I'm fine with that. Because I have my dream, and I have to believe it could come true. I have to. Without my dream I'll have nothing, and then it'll really be just me against a whole big world, unless you think my family is on my side. I don't think they are. I'll have to get out of here sometime.
I don't know where I am going. I know where I want to go, but I don't think it can happen. I'll pretend. But I think I'll end up just like my parents, and they aren't happy, but they aren't happy together, and perhaps together is all that they need. Except I want to be alone. Because if all men are as stupid as Montparnasse or have a temper like my father, then I don't want to live with one.
Monsieur Marius has his Cosette, too. I know he's happy with her, and I know he's never seen me as anything more than—well, me—but I like to think we'll be married someday. Except part of what makes him so good is how devoted he is to Cosette, and if he left her sobbing in her garden for me, well, I think that would be disillusioning. It would mean that all the pretty words were fleeting, or even lies. Not that I would object, mind you, or send him back. Because I love to hear his voice, and see the way he smiles, even if he's smiling at her. If she died, maybe, it would be acceptable for him to move on to me. Or if she told him to leave, but she wouldn't. When you have Monsieur Marius, you don't want him to go. Of course not.
When you have nothing to hope for, no one to love—now what?