Title: If You're Going Down that Road Tonight
Author: OpheliacAngel
Pairings & Characters: Gabriel/Dean
Genre: Angst/Romance
Rating: Teen
Summary: Some things take time, even if all he feels like doing is pushing.
A/N: Warnings for self-harm, angst, and bordering on one-sided and two-sided Dean/Gabriel, but now I'm labeling as two-sided! Either one or two more parts to this. If you're actually reading this depressing series, thanks so much for sticking with it.
Series: Pt. 2 of Final Straw
Soundtrack: Train's 'Whipping Boy'
~By now I've showed you how much
I believe in the here and now
And I wish that you knew~
Dean looks as terrible as his brother does, still lying in that hospital bed when Gabriel last checked on him a few hours back, but at least Dean's slowly coming back up to consciousness, a brutal cough ripping its way out of his throat.
Gabriel doesn't know how he brings up the resolve to do it, but somehow his fingers pull out of Dean's hair and he's halfway across the room before Dean realizes how close he actually was for the past four hours, as if had been glued to the human. He couldn't miss how relaxed Dean had looked in sleep when his fingers had been running through his greasy hair, the close proximity of an archangel seeming to calm him down greatly. It was a shame that look of peace was gone now, but Dean reaching for the glass Gabriel left for him on the nightstand helps to bring his happiness back just a little.
Dean finds the archangel after he gulps down the water. "What are you doing here?"
What do you think I'm doing here, kiddo? Keeping an eye on your scrawny ass to make sure you don't go do anything stupid. Like you haven't tried to already. Sure, there's a lot of things he'd like to say to Dean, but like a gullible idiot he changes the subject. "Want some more?"
Dean's glare would probably have burned him if Gabriel had stayed put and not allowed Dean personal space. "Go check on Sam. I'm gonna get a shower." For only a second, Gabriel wonders if Dean will be able to hold himself upright, but then he caves in and steps back, only planning on peeking in from the doorway to make sure Sam is still breathing before coming back to Dean, who he's worrying about considerably more since the... incident.
Gabriel really doesn't want to think about that today. Knowing that Dean doesn't want to be here anymore, can't handle living anymore, even though Gabriel has been here with him the whole damn time, supporting him, loving him from a painfully long distance.
There's water running in the bathroom when he gets back and he patiently waits, not wanting to test Dean today if he doesn't have to. He has this urge to check the door, to make sure it isn't locked because really, Dean could be in there right now, slicing too deep and falling to the ground, heartbeat slowly fading away as Gabriel stands out here waiting, always waiting.
Dean will never forgive him if he opens the door though, just like he hasn't forgiven him for the last time. If Gabriel keeps on doing this, being around the human will only start to wear at him more and more until he snaps. Losing control is the absolute last thing he wants to do around Dean.
He can smell the blood when he steps out of the bathroom though, drying his hair with a towel. He's afraid he's going to boil over with all the rage he's keeping locked up tightly inside, but he swallows it down and offers perhaps the only thing he can offer at this point.
"You need me to heal you again?" He barely gets it out of his mouth before he's welcomed by another one of the hunter's death glares.
"No," Dean snaps, "and I didn't need you to do it before either."
Like I would've given you a choice, kiddo. Like leaving is actually Dean's choice and Gabriel doesn't get a say in the matter.
Gabriel touches Dean's arm, trying to be as discreet and gentle as possible, but before he can heal the bleeding cuts underneath his shirt, Dean shoves him away, not a gentle push but a desperate one, as if he's using every bit of strength he has left. It's like he's already given up, too weak to do anything more. The shove is a painful pang in Gabriel's chest and he seethes, grabbing his arm more forcefully this time, not taking no for an answer, not letting Dean convince him he's fine, not letting -
But then the world around him filters back in to the sound of Dean crying out in pain, and Gabriel pulls away as quickly as he pushed himself forward, eyes wide and full of apology. "Dean, I didn't mean..."
"Get out." Dean simply states, so softly that Gabriel can barely hear him, only seeing the way the human cradles his arm against his chest, as if the archangel caused all the pain there. He can't bring himself to move, probably because he doesn't want to leave, never wants to leave Dean alone again. "Get out!" He flinches at that, he would have figured he'd be way past that point by now, considering Dean's been screaming at him for a while now to go away and get the hell out of his life. To go ruin someone else's life.
Dean just doesn't know how badly he wants to help: say something that will at least lessen the agony pouring out of Dean in suffocating waves; do something that's just enough to get him to look at Gabriel in a slightly different light. But it seems that everything the celestial being does or says causes the human even further hurt, and it infuriates him and causes him to want to blame the human for not trying harder, for being so stupidly blind - this is a different situation than that though.
He can barely hold himself together right now, so Gabriel lays off - a lot, hoping against hope that one day his touch will calm Dean when all it ever seems to do is rile him up and make him hate the archangel even more.
Bro, I would get your ass down here to your charge pronto. Cas should be here right now, especially since Gabriel's starting to realize that he's not enough.
That he'll never be enough.
If anyone can make the human shut up and listen for once, it'd be Castiel. He just doesn't have the heart to keep pushing anymore, even though bringing Cas down to Dean will no doubt bring about his jealousy again.
He wants to say fine, that he'll never come back if that's what Dean wants, that there's no reason to ever see Dean again as far as he's concerned, with how royally he's screwed up Gabriel's sense of loyalty and overall, his very existence. He's done enough talking though and so has Dean, so he keeps his mouth shut and disappears, making sure Dean sees it, making sure he feels how permanent it can and just may be.
The archangel still doesn't trust Dean, they're not even close to that stage, so even if Dean watches him disappear, it doesn't mean he's actually gone. If he knew anything more than next to nothing about archangels, he would know that the manner in which Gabriel vanished was a little stranger than normal, given it appeared to Dean like he was being erased slowly rather than completely disappearing in an instant.
Gabriel is currently more like invisible to Dean, a presence that can continue to watch over the stupid human who doesn't know what he wants and doesn't want, just without the Winchester boy's knowing or approval. Gabriel loves being an archangel most of the time.
As much as he wants the human to know he'll always be around, that he's here right now, he has a good idea just what type of reaction he'll have. Gabriel stays invisible and silent, and he can only hope Dean can still feel his presence in the room, even though he knows Dean can't because he's tuned out to everything around him.
Gabriel can feel himself growing more insane and angry by the day, but he's only now starting to realize that he loves the human with every fiber of his being, and he can't dare leave while he knows that.
And if that's a thing to be ashamed of: an archangel drooling over a mere human, he sure isn't feeling it.
He's extra quiet, not wanting Dean to freak out and point his shotgun wherever he sees fit; Gabriel certainly doesn't want that in his face. He opts for merely standing, leaning slightly against the wall, not wanting the creak of a chair to give him away. Dean's even more depressing when he thinks he's actually alone. He sits down gingerly on the bed, as if afraid he's about to shatter into a hundred pieces, something that makes Gabriel grimace a little. Dean still holds his arm against his chest, pulling up the fabric carefully and examining the self-inflicted scars etched into his skin, the blood beginning to clot.
Gabriel can't turn away, he can only stare at the human in longing.
He curses himself, wishing he could do more but knowing Dean is making that all too impossible. He may smile at Dean's stubbornness from time to time, loving how defensive he is just cause Gabriel can get on his nerves more easily, but it's truly amazing how much Dean can make him worry, enough to turn him into a serious mother hen, as he would call it.
If the human knew just how much he was starting to worm his way under Gabriel's skin. If Dean let him in, even just a tiny bit, things would be so different that Gabriel can barely breathe as he realizes it. All Dean has to do is say the word and Gabriel will just open up so completely, offer everything he is to the human.
He wouldn't hold back anything.
"Fuck, Gabriel. I'm sorry, just... Just leave me alone for a little while, okay? Fuck." Dean rolls his sleeves back down, trying to hold his hurt and loneliness inside and failing miserably at it. But the archangel can hear every word and see every little thing, and the urge to make himself known is almost too much to hold back. He shouldn't give a damn about what Dean wants, but he does.
Dean would want him to wait until he was ready, if he'll ever actually be ready, if he even likes Gabriel at all. That's the thing, if Dean doesn't like Gabriel, care about him at all -
He can't think about it, won't think about it, would break right here and now if he did. So he closes himself down, watching Dean, loving Dean from a distance because at least he can do that.
At least he can wallow in hope, hoping against it that Dean will find his way to him.
Someway. Somehow.
It's just that the one thing that Dean wants can't be given to him by Gabriel. And Gabriel, not able to forsake his selfishness, is finally beginning to understand that the only thing he's ever wanted will never be granted to him, because Dean will never get over this, Dean will never heal and he will never look at Gabriel the way the archangel wants him to. He will never accept Gabriel or trust him, and the archangel honestly doesn't understand why he doesn't just get out and run right now. Run away from this mess.
He'll be giving Dean what he thinks he wants, but he'll truthfully be taking away exactly what Dean needs: someone to keep him alive; heal him when no one else is there to, at least physically if not mentally.
Dean wanted, still wants to kill himself. Dean would have been able to if Gabriel wasn't there, because Sam wasn't there and Castiel can't be bothered anymore, and what else could Gabriel really be doing other than sticking around and making sure Dean Winchester doesn't do the stupidest thing he could possibly do?
Gabriel can see it in his head whenever he has the guts to venture inside, whenever what's in Dean's head doesn't have a chance of destroying him completely. He can see Dean crying out for reprieve, for a way out, and the fact that Gabriel doesn't even enter into his thoughts can be labeled as both a good and a bad thing.
Even though he's not really speaking it, not truly saying it to Gabriel's face, the archangel can all too clearly hear Dean admitting that he wanted to kill himself in that hospital bathroom. That Dean still wants to and really, if Gabriel can't change a damn thing, why is he even here in the first place? If he can't make a difference, trust Dean enough to take the human in just as he is without perpetually destroying the archangel piece by piece -
"Fuck, Gabriel. I'm sorry...," is all he gets and it might not even mean anything at all. Because in Dean's head, as Gabriel is skimming it, too afraid to read it word for word, Dean isn't sorry. He doesn't even know who Gabriel is and he doesn't care. He just wants to curl up and die and Gabriel won't let him.
Gabriel won't let him.
He'll never understand how much it hurts Gabriel to see him hurt, to see the lines etched into his forehead betraying his pain, his short, careful breaths displaying to full effect the hurt inside. The way Dean won't look at him like he means something provides enough power to kill, as if Dean's afraid he'll take advantage of just how far his barriers are down. As if Dean doesn't care a bit, probably thinking he deserves to be taken advantage of in this way.
Inside Gabriel screams in rage, and yet even further inside he aches. This ache that feels like a massive hole only getting larger, the pain crippling him.
Dean can take all he wants from him until there is nothing left. It seems the only way to go now.
Dean will never admit it, but he seems pretty damn lonely after Gabriel leaves. Not bored, bored isn't the right word, he acts like the whole world around him is empty and his life is already over. Gabriel watches him as he does nothing in particular, sitting down for long minutes only to get back up again and pace the room. He's aggravated and infuriated at him, the archangel can see it clearer than anything else, but he's also frustrated with himself.
Finally, when he knows that he can't take it anymore, Dean yanks his jacket off the chair, rolls down the sleeves quickly and slams the door shut behind him. Gabriel already knows where he's headed, the one place he doesn't need to be with everything else pressing in on him all at once. He needs to confront him, needs to get him away from the path he's so set on, but he can't move and he certainly knows he can't tell Dean what he can and can't do, all that manages to do is make him back off further.
"Hey, Sammy. Just... just wake up soon, okay? I'm being driven up a wall here."
Gabriel leaves - for the time being anyway.
He does himself a favor and tries not to look at Dean too closely for the next few days, but what he sees from a distance still has him concerned. Dean has gotten his act together a little, giving himself something to do during the day - cleaning weapons, cooking, reading, whatever - and also managing not to make the cuts so deep, probably thinking the archangel wouldn't notice them.
He wants to give him a piece of his mind, wants to tell him that it doesn't matter how deep he cuts because the deepest one he's ever made has been in Gabriel, one that might never heal the way the human's going. If Dean doesn't want him there though, then he's not going to be there.
Until the day he is.
It's a terrible surprise entrance, nothing grand or 'roll your eyes he's here again' about it. Dean is sitting at the table cleaning his weapons and Gabriel appears behind him, half-hoping he'll just turn around and notice him and the other half of him knowing that he won't, and that maybe it's better if he doesn't so he can leave right now and let Dean be.
"Hey."
He puts the gun down and turns around slowly, looking at him with something like a mix of surprise and dread and maybe even a tiny bit of happiness. Even if that last part is only because it means that he doesn't have to be alone anymore, he's still honored that he's the one being placed in this position.
"Hey," Dean says, eyes taking in the archangel warily. "Didn't think you'd be coming back."
Gabriel takes a seat across from him, knowing he probably shouldn't but also knowing that Dean would say or make known otherwise if it really concerned him that much. "It's not that easy to get rid of me. You should know that by now."
"Yeah, guess I should." The silence is short, but only because Dean bites down hard on his lip and breaks it, fearing he'll lose whatever is left of his sanity if he doesn't. "Look, I'm sorry."
"It's fine, Dean. I pushed too hard. Even though I'm not human, I know the consequences of that."
"The thing is..."
"It doesn't matter, forget it happened." Dean shuts his mouth at that, sensing maybe that Gabriel's about to break or get angry if he keeps on going on about it. He can't stand seeing Dean like this, can't stand not being able to pull him into his arms and comfort him. He has never had a mate before, but he knows this is what it must feel like. Hatred and the desire to kill and denial were just the things he had to go through before he reached that point of realization. Dean doesn't seem mad at him for those things anymore, only miserable.
He clears his throat then, bowing his head before deciding to look up at the archangel carefully. There is either fear in his hesitant gaze or terrifying uncertainty. "You've probably noticed that I've been favoring my right arm lately?" Gabriel looks down at his left arm lying in his lap, unable to speak. He can't ruin the moment right now while the hunter is finally so close to giving in, telling him that he needs something. Dean looks down and winces, "Could you...?"
Gabriel is up out of his chair and bending down in front of the hunter within milliseconds, hand hovering over Dean's arm, waiting for the go ahead. Dean licks his lips, unsure for a minute before he hangs his head in defeat and nods. Gabriel immediately brushes his fingers against his arm and then pulls back, knowing Dean probably wants his space.
He couldn't be more wrong.
Dean is leaning forward, and to anyone else it would seem that the pain is only making him do so, but the archangel can easily see that Dean wants a break for a little while, and he knows that Gabriel can give him that. Gabriel surges forward and supports Dean, helping him off the chair and guiding him into the bedroom. Dean can walk fine for the most part, but then again, that isn't what he needs help with.
"Arm feeling better?"
"Yeah, still a little sore though."
"That's to keep you from doing it again for a while." Dean looks up at him unsteadily at that, but he looks nowhere near bolting or about ready to shove him aside again. He knows better.
Gabriel settles him on the bed and checks him over, pushing back the sleeve on his recently healed arm to further inspect it. Dean winces and shifts around uncomfortably, but stays still for the most part. When he's done, he helps him to lie back on the bed, all the while listening intently to his breathing; it's slightly ragged, but that's to be expected from little sleep, immense stress, and inflicting pain on yourself when your body can't take anymore.
"Missed you. Sorry I sent you away like that, man."
"You already said that." This is nothing like Dean, nothing like the aggressive, selfless and hopeless wreck he's grown to know and love. He can't seriously consider the first part of that sentence, not yet anyway.
"Thought I needed space and time, but it didn't help."
"I could've told you that..." Dean is leaning forward slightly and kissing him before he can sufficiently end the sentence. His eyes widen in shock, knowing this can't be happening, knowing he can't let Dean do this while he's like... this, but he can't bring himself to move and he can't stop himself from wrapping his arms around the overly warm human, basking in his unique smell and that resulting in every one of his senses going absolutely haywire.
"It's okay, Dean. Just let me take some of it for a while." He doesn't exactly know what it is, but Dean seems to know perfectly well and he sinks into Gabriel further, hot tears staining the archangel's shirt. It's the most perfect thing he's felt in a long time.
FIN