Warning: VERY GRAPHIC account of underage molestation. It is basically an idea I got from a postsecret and also sort of from the film "the hand that rocks the cradle". It isn't a nice idea but I love writing all sorts of things and this struck me as the sort of thing I would not normally write. I personally actually found it very difficult to write and found myself cringing throughout most of it. Please do not read if you are very affected by ideas or visuals of molestation. Oneshot
Disclaimers: Glee isn't mine. I like it though. Whayyy. Very AU. Also sorry for any reference mistakes, I'm English and so am not entirely sure about things such as the American school system and college roommate systems? If so just let me know and I'll know for next time. Also this is only proof read by me. As a special kind of lassy, I tend to think I've written something and read it that way. Feel free to correct any mistakes. Whether I chose to fix it or not depends if I can be bothered. Teehee.
Rachel Berry was 21 years old when she received the email addressing all those that knew him about his death (a car accident) and the details of his funeral for all those who could be in attendance. She read and re-read the email over and over again. She wasn't sure what she felt. She couldn't tell, she just kept reading. Her college roommate Annie wandered into their cramped living quarters rasping a dramatic "Fuck my life... Just fuck my life" and kicking a magazine under her bed as she flung herself down looking pointedly at Rachel to get her attention.
Rachel just kept her gaze stuck on the screen of her laptop and barely even noticed Annie's entrance until she grabbed one of the sequined cushions on her bed and threw it at her head.
"The usual convention is to ask me what is wrong when I begin to curse my very existence..." Annie paused, her soulful, gritty voice taking on a much gentler tone as she noticed Rachel's lack of reaction.
"Hey, you ok? Usually you'd be on me about my side of the room being messy and how I should really alphabetise my sheet music... You look like you're gonna be sick... Rachel... RACHEL." Annie waved a hand in Rachel's face and she suddenly snapped from her reverie.
"What?" she asked a little dazed. Annie's striking green eyes had knitted into a frown of concern.
"I just asked if you were ok, you look like. I dunno, like you've seen the Buble sing out of tune." She wasn't letting the panic show in her voice, but she really hoped Rachel would smile or say something at some point. She was meant to be the normal one (yeah... Wow) "Come on Rach, give me something here."
Rachel sighed heavily and smiled carefully at her friend. "It's nothing... I just heard my step-uncle died and it's just come as a bit of a shock is all." She suddenly found herself in the tight embrace of her afro-haired friend; her fruity perfume did offer her a little comfort. She hugged back.
"I'm so sorry sweetie. Need me to do anything for you?" Annie pulled back and gave her an affectionate kiss on the forehead. Rachel shook her head then said quietly.
"Actually could you tell Michael I won't be in this afternoon? Tell him that I'll email about it later I'd just... Like some time to myself." Annie rubbed Rachel's arms and smiled warmly.
"Of course sweet pea. I'll be out of your hair in five anyway. You sure you don't need me around? You know I'm more than happy to stick around and snuggle up in your bed all day." Annie squeezed her hand a little and offered her a cheeky smile.
"When you get back maybe we could watch some bad 90's films and bake cakes?" She knew Annie would be satisfied with this and after a couple more hugs and Annie running to fetch Rachel a glass of water, she left and Rachel heard the door slam shut and echo in the hallway.
Rachel sat in silence for a couple of minutes, taking slow sips of water all the while. She chanced a look at the email once more. She couldn't help her mind drifting back to those events on September the 15th 2007.
13 year old Rachel Berry had been invited to her cousin Phoebe's Bar Mitzvah. She had her own just four months before. Her cousin and she were very close, sharing emails and seeing each other at important family events and holidays. Phoebe lived in Minnesota with her mom Karen (her father's sister), her five year old half sister Michelle and her step-father John. It was about a 15 hour drive to Minnesota from where they lived or (whenever they could afford it) a couple of hours on the plane. Rachel was so excited to see her cousin considering she had been unable to attend her Bar Mitzvah due to a bad case of flu. Her father's booked flights as they were due to stay for just the weekend. Karen had told them that they were having work done on the house so unfortunately could only house one guest in the living room. Rachel's fathers agreed to let Rachel sleep at her aunt's house whilst they booked a nearby hotel.
Phoebe and her family waited patiently in the airport for the Berry's to arrive. At first glimpse of Rachel's little pink suitcase Phoebe squealed and ran over to her and the two girls hugged each other close. A tiny blonde child flung herself onto Rachel's legs.
"Rachy, Rachy, Rachy!" the little girl cried trying to clamber up Rachel's legs to kiss her.
"Buzz off squirt, go and hug mom, Rach only speaks to big girls now!" Phoebe teased prodding her little sister. Rachel bent down to pick Michelle up and the little girl merely flung her arms round Rachel's neck.
"Be nice to my favourite cousin Pheebs!" Rachel teased back poking her tongue out. Michelle let out a delighted squeak and Phoebe just rolled her eyes. The girls were chattering animatedly by the time her father's caught up to them. They smiled warmly and waved over at John and Karen, who were trailing after their speedy daughters.
"Hey you two, where's Monica? Shouldn't you guys be heading to the coffee house?" Uncle John had caught up to them by now, shaking hands and giving Rachel a kiss on the cheek as Karen hugged her brother and brother in law and directed one of them towards the rental pick up services.
"Hardy har har... Oh dad would you stop with the friends jokes already... It's every single time!" Phoebe rolled her eyes and shook her head, looking at Rachel and folding her arms towards John. John gave her a wry smile and held his hand to his heart.
"What; are you girls too old and mature now for your poor uncle John's jokes? Oh no, what shall I do!" he held a hand to his head dramatically and pretended to swoon as the girls giggled.
The taller of Rachel's dads, Harvey, rolled his eyes and smiled, slapping John on the back. "These pint sized punks giving you trouble there John?" John turned and grinned at him.
"Just noticing they aren't as little as they used to be..." he trailed off then came back with "You remember when they used to absolutely cackle with laughter whenever we used to mention that coffee house joke? Hey Harvey, remember what they used to do?" They girls groaned as the two adults grinned and began singing.
"So no one told you life was gonna be this wayyyyyyyyyyyy!"
Phoebe and Rachel rolled their eyes and turned red. "Daaaad!" they both exclaimed at the same time. Michelle was laughing loudly Karen made her way over looking amused.
"Really boys." She said "It's been five minutes and you chose to embarrass our girls in an airport. Is that really necessary?" John and Harvey just tittered as the girls scowled at them. "Besides, there's plenty of time to do that at the party later!" The girls looked at each other and groaned.
"Right!" said Karen, "are we all ready to go? ... Hang on, where did my brother just wander off to... MARK!"
The shorter of Rachel's fathers ran up to them panting slightly. "Sorry" he puffed. "Just got in a slight argument with the car rental people... All sorted now. Let's go!"
The party passed by in a whirl of laughter, dancing and music. Phoebe read Hebrew perfectly and she had loads of friends at her Bar Mitzvah. It made Rachel feel a little bit jealous. Not many people had come to hers. Apart from Noah and he spent most of his time complaining because she said she didn't want to kiss him. He always made fun of her at school. Otherwise she might have done.
She met a lot of Phoebe's friends who were all really nice and one of the boys even said she was really pretty. She had been made to dance with each of her fathers and Aunty Karen had gotten loads of photographs. She was also forced onstage to sing with Michelle and she'd secretly been really pleased when everyone had clapped and whooped and started requesting songs. She knew she was good but it was still nice to hear. The party went on until Midnight, guests slowly clearing out and Michelle fast asleep in her mother's arms. Rachel's fathers said goodbye to her outside, giving her a hug and kiss on the cheek and telling her they would be there bright and early to go out for breakfast.
When they arrived back at Phoebe's house they were all exhausted. Aunty Karen yawned. "Blankets and pillows are set up for you Rachel, I put a cup out, but just be a little careful with your drinks because we've just got a new rug and it was quite expensive." She gave Rachel a one armed hug and kissed her head as she still had hold of little Michelle. "Goodnight sweetheart, you really have got a lovely voice." Rachel smiled to herself. "Goodnight everyone."
Rachel was in a half awake, half asleep state when she stretched out. She briefly forgot where she was and her positioning and knocked over the cup of water that was on the coffee table next to her. The cup made a soft clunk against the floorboards and water started to seep all over the new rug aunty Karen had made such a point of. Suddenly Rachel was wide awake and panicking. She picked up her cup and ran to the kitchen in hope of finding some kitchen towels. Her t shirt and shorts had ridden up a little as she ran. In her haste she knocked over a mug into the sink and it made a soft clunk against the metal. Rachel heard the pad of large feet coming down the staircase and then blinked as a light switch as flipped on.
"Rachel?" Uncle John rubbed his eyes groggily. "What are you doing?" Rachel breathed out gently; her uncle had always had a soft spot for her.
"I'm getting a new cup of water... I knocked mine over on the new rug..." she trailed off quietly and looked at the floor. Uncle John chuckled.
"Right sweetheart, I'll help you clean that up no problem."
He followed Rachel into the living room with some kitchen towel and handed it to Rachel. She bent down to soak up some of the water, pressing the dry towel onto the damp rug.
"You shouldn't worry sweetie, its only water it'll dry." Rachel nodded and lifted herself up. Uncle John was stood in the doorway and Rachel had to squeeze past him to get out. It was an old game they used to play. Uncle John grinned and gently placed his hands round her waist as she went to put the kitchen towel back in the kitchen. He kissed her head hard and slow, digging his fingers into her waist a little bit.
"You're growing up into a beautiful young woman you know." He said looking down at her. Rachel was unsure what to say. She smiled and said a quiet "thank you" and wandered off to the kitchen. She came back into the living room a few minutes later with a new glass of water. She placed the cup down then went back towards the door. It was very dark as she closed it behind her and went to lie back down on the couch. She yelped in surprise as she hit something solid. The solid mass jolted upright.
"Ooh sorry, I'm so tired I must have fallen asleep here instead of going back to bed." Rachel thought this was a little strange. Who fell asleep in two minutes? She could however just about make out her uncle's smile in the dark and thought it was probably just another of his quirky jokes.
"Well, goodnight" Rachel said as she lay back intent on going back to sleep. He didn't move to leave though, just sat upright instead.
"Do you remember when you were little and you and Phoebe used to get in tickle wars with me and then we'd cuddle up together and watch a movie? What was it you girls called that game?" Rachel stayed quiet. She didn't really know what to say. After a long pause she offered in a small voice "tickly bears?"
"Tickly bears!" Uncle John whispered close to her ear and then began to tickle her. She squealed a little and wriggled about unable to stop herself from giggling; she writhed after a few moments desperately wanting to be out of his embrace she felt a little awkward. He stopped after a few seconds, she was facing away from him and pulled to his chest, one of his hands holding her tummy and one was resting close underneath her breast. They both panted to get their breath back. Uncle John then pulled her closer towards him. She could feel the solidness of his body. She tensed, willing herself to say something to make him let go.
"You don't mind having a little cuddle with me do you Rachel?" he whispered in her ear. His voice sounded different, a little bit strained. They lay like this for a little while. How long Rachel wasn't sure. It seemed to last forever in an uncomfortable silence. Rachel was too nervous to say anything. However uncomfortable she was just lying in his arms, her eyes widened when she felt his lips trailing her neck. She wanted to scream, to run, this was definitely not normal surely. She tried to make a noise but all that would come out was a barely there strangled whisper.
"Please... Stop it" She wasn't even sure if she heard. She tried again.
"What are you doing?" she whispered.
"It's ok, it's ok... Don't worry now baby girl..." He nuzzled his face into her neck and inhaled deeply. His hands stretched across her stomach and one hand began to rub along her legs. A strange shock went right through her tummy. She wasn't sure if it was a good thing or not but she tensed her whole body up completely as her uncle continued to touch her. His breathing she noticed was becoming more and more laboured and she could feel something hard in his pants poking her back.
She was by no means a stupid child. She knew the basics of human reproduction and she knew what this... This thing poking her was. She wanted to cry. This wasn't the uncle that had cuddled her when she banged her knee in the park, or played princesses with her and Phoebe when they were small, or made her a very special gold star to stick on her door with her name artistically scrawled on the front. They weren't really doing anything though. She just wanted to close her eyes and go to sleep and erase this awkward uncomfortable feeling. This was her uncle John, he would never hurt her. She was just so unsure of what it was that was happening.
"It's alright sweetie, it's ok baby, oh Rachel sweetie, it's ok don't worry. You're so beautiful sweetheart." He kept repeating this mantra to her over and over again. She couldn't help but loosen a little under his ministrations. She was torn between running and curiosity. It almost felt... Nice. After all he couldn't be having sex with her. Just... Stroking her. That's all. He continued to kiss all round her neck and shoulders and his hand that had been resting on her stomach slipped under her t-shirt and started to make its way to her breasts. She was quite a late developer and they were barely there. He groaned like an animal when he touched them though.
"S'ok, s'ok, s'ok, s'ok baby girl." Somehow him saying this over and over silenced her. She felt so uneasy and so... Wrong. Everything she felt everything that was happening was wrong. It wasn't supposed to be happening at all. It was just so much easier to stay quiet and pretend it wasn't happening. Think of something else. He wasn't taking her clothes off. She didn't want him to take her clothes off. Suddenly he rolled her, his hand still under her top and his other hand still grasping her at her thighs, taking turns squeezing and kneading each of them. Rachel felt completely trapped, as if she was suffocating. She let out a scared little squeak.
"S'ok, s'ok, s'ok, s'alright baby don't be scared it's ok..." He pulled his hand from underneath her top and began stroking her hair. His hand began to inch round her thigh and move further up tracing lines up and down her inner thigh with his fingertips. Another shot of that pleasurable feeling tingled in her tummy, followed by one of sickness and an intense need to cry. The lump in her throat kept on threatening to spill over. She started shaking uncontrollably when his hand moved right up, cupping her... Vagina. She began to whisper "No, no, no, no I don't want you too. Stop it." so quietly she wasn't sure he could hear her. He moved her shorts aside and pushed his middle finger into her panties, rubbing slowly.
"You're such a good girl" he praised. "So beautiful" he kissed her neck "It's ok, I promise it's ok. I won't hurt you. It's ok. I just wanna give you a special stroke... Make you feel good... I promise. It's ok." He rasped into her hair, his breathing seemingly increasing in heaviness every second. Rachel looked anywhere but at him. She eventually settled on closing her eyes, she could try and pretend this wasn't happening to her. That she couldn't feel him grinding his penis into her thigh. That she couldn't feel him slipping her shorts down her legs and off to get closer to her. That his fingers weren't slipping under her panties. That it didn't feel quite nice and sickening at the same time. She began to feel her own breathing increase. She hated herself for it.
Uncle John must have noticed too. He started to speed up, and he started thrusting against her much faster and with more force, she couldn't get over how awkward and big his penis felt digging into her. A tear made its way down her cheek and dripped onto the sofa. It was so dark he didn't notice. "That's right sweetheart, you're such a good girl, I know this feels nice... I'll make you feel so good. Do you like this? Oh God you do... I can feel you do..."
Rachel's tears began to flow more freely, silently. He was right. She did like it. It felt nice what he was doing. But she didn't want him to be doing that to her. She didn't. She wanted to make this seemingly endless night go right back. She wanted to go home with her daddies. She gasped when she felt his middle finger slip... Inside her. It hurt and she yelped as he proceeded to move it gently in and out until he seemed to establish a rhythm. He groaned again and just kept telling her how beautiful and perfect she was. She was such a good girl. It was ok. It was ok. He was muttering other things under his breath about tight, and she heard the f word. She was finding it harder to concentrate on anything other than a building feeling in her stomach. It felt good. She could hear her breathing becoming really loud and the thought terrified her. What if someone heard? What if someone knew? Then this wouldn't be something she could just pretend didn't happen. Uncle John just kept on groaning and Rachel felt her legs shaking.
"That's right, oh God yes that's right baby... Come on, that's it. You're such a good girl it's ok come on, come on baby. Come on me baby girl... You're so close..."
Rachel didn't really understand that last part, but he was rubbing her so fast and his finger was thrusting in and out of her and it felt so good she gasped and the building feeling led to a wonderful sensation. It made her hips jerk, her eyes close and her mouth open a little and a small sound emitted from the back of her throat. She felt all her lower muscles clench and she trembled all over. She heard him grunt and felt a small amount of something sticky land on her thigh. He rubbed it into her skin and reached for her face with his other hand. He kissed her, slipping his tongue into her mouth coaxing her into kissing him back, but to no avail. He pulled back and looked at her for what seemed an eternity. Eventually he pushed a piece of hair back from her face.
"Rachel sweetie, you know I love you don't you?" Rachel nodded silently, but she couldn't look him in the eye.
"I think it would be a good idea not to tell anyone about this ok?" she nodded again. He kissed her neck.
"Not aunty Karen, not Phoebe, not your daddies. Let's just not tell anyone ok?" she nodded, trying to turn away. He turned her face back to him.
"Do you promise?" He whispered urgently.
"I'm tired..." whispered Rachel. She didn't even know why she said it. She just needed to be away from him as fast as possible.
"Do you promise?" Uncle John held her shoulders a little too tight. Rachel nodded. Uncle John kissed her again. She hated him doing that.
"You're such a good girl sweetie. Such a good girl. Go to sleep now baby girl."
He kissed her on the head once more before he got up and walked out of the door closing it behind him.
He never touched her again after that night. Rachel tried to make excuses or invite Phoebe to sleep in her room whenever they visited. She always wore strong pyjama bottoms and tied them tightly whenever he came over. She was never alone with him. Not even for a second. Whenever she saw him she always had tightness in her chest, like someone was putting all their weight on her heart and lungs. Crushing her.
At school she threw herself into work, into her passions of singing and dancing. She would end up on Broadway. She wouldn't be one of those girls she'd read stories about in magazines or on the internet that let one bad experience control them. She wouldn't hurt herself. She wouldn't hate herself. Accept she did. Just a little bit. Even more later on because she can't understand or empathise with that child at the time as to why she didn't say something. Why she didn't fight harder. She thinks back on it and wanders how Karen didn't notice he was gone. Then she remembers it probably only lasted 15 minutes at the most. He was just helping her clear up and look after her. He was taking care of his favourite little step-niece.
She was still a virgin. At 21 years old. She'd had a handful of boyfriends but whenever they got close to touching her, she clamped up. It's not that she didn't want to. She knew and had researched and had been taught sex was a good healthy thing, so long as you were careful. However she'd come to learn that wanting things and the reality of actually going through with these things were two different things. One boyfriend once, Finn, he'd snaked his hands inside her panties and she immediately felt sick. She'd started crying uncontrollably and scared the poor boy half to death. They broke up the next day. She thought she might have loved him. She even felt a little dirty when she touched herself. This was another reason she hated herself just a little bit.
It was a warm and sunny day, the day of Uncle John's funeral. September 15th 2015. There weren't many people, just family and a few work friends. There were poems and hymns. It was a pleasant service. Everyone was upset. She didn't really cry. Not in a noticeable way anyway. The whole way through the service she stared directly at the wooden coffin. "I hate you" she thought. "I'm glad you're dead." As the ceremony went on and people got up to make speeches she silently spoke to the man who had abused the trust she had so freely given him. "I never got to tell you how much you ruined my life." He was buried, and the family all threw little clumps of earth on his coffin. "I was 13 fucking years old you bastard, I have never been happier than the day I heard you were dead." She thought as she flung a mound of earth she hoped had a small rock in it onto his coffin.
Later that say at the wake Rachel made her way over to Phoebe who was sitting on the old swing set in the garden. Rachel sat with her.
"Hey." She said quietly.
"Hey." Phoebe replied. They sat silently swinging back and forth for a while. Phoebe broke the silence.
"He killed himself you know." Rachel's head shot up and looked over at Phoebe. Rachel thought he'd been in a car accident.
"How do you know?" she whispered. Phoebe was silent for a long time, tears filling her eyes.
"You can't tell my mom I told you this..." She looked up at Rachel her waiting for conformation, Rachel nodded, reached across and squeezed her cousin's shoulder.
"Well. Da- John... He. Well Michelle had her friend Elise over. She just. Urgh!" Phoebe sighed in frustration and wrung her hands. "She just looks like butter wouldn't melt... Just she must have lied or I dunno... Thought he'd done something wrong when he hadn't. You know how John was always so affectionate with everyone." Rachel noticeably stiffened. Phoebe continued looking at the floor, her eyes filled with tears.
"She said... She said he... Touched her. You know like, how sick is that?" Phoebe's tears fell more freely now. She could barely get her words out. Rachel felt for her.
"I just. He would never. You know John, he just couldn't. Not my dad. Not my daddy. He looked after me, mum and Shel you know? He made sure we were ok... He was more a father to me than my real dad can ever be..." she couldn't stop now. Rachel just listened.
"And because of that... That thing that stupid kid accused him of, he got so upset and so stressed. He just. Well. He went out in the car one day and he was like, muttering and crying and stuff. Mom and I were so frightened. He just said goodbye and hugged us both and we just... Then he... We got the call and..." She broke down. Rachel rubbed her back gently.
"You know right? You know John would never do that. He could never touch little girls like that." There was so much Rachel wanted to say. So much anger, so much hurt. She opened her mouth, and then caught sight of Phoebe's tear stained face. Phoebe's lovely blue eyes looking at her just willing her to say it wasn't true. Suddenly she realised it was the doubt that was so upsetting for Phoebe. Just never knowing the truth and knowing she would always have a tainted memory of the man she saw as her father. It wasn't Phoebe she wanted to hurt. It wasn't Phoebe who had hurt her. She got up and dragged her cousin into a hug. She simple nodded and agreed with her.
"No Peebs... The man I knew could never have done something like that. Never." She hugged her tight and rocked her back and forth in her arms. She had her fingers crossed with every nice she said about Uncle John as she whispered condolences to her mourning cousin.
When she got home she noticed Annie had slipped a note under her pillow. It said:
Hey Rach,
Hope you're ok sweetie. If you need someone to talk to I am always around. But like, I sometimes found it useful last year to talk to this woman, not like, a shrink or anything, but she's a good counsellor. She's really nice and I think sometimes it's nice to talk to someone who just has nothing to do with you.
Always here for you sugar
Annie x
Number: 0781 522 466
Rachel looked at the number for a long time. She had never told anyone about what had happened to her. She picked up her phone and dialled. She had an appointment book with Angela at 4pm on Wednesday afternoon. She let out a heavy sigh and smiled. She decided it was time to start forgiving that 13 year old little girl.