Author's Note:
So I took a break from Updating "Anytime you need a friend" to write this. Mostly because it was clamoring for me to write it for a while. Also because I got the idea from watching a video on Youtube. =) Mild Kleenex alert!
Even the strong can fall sometimes:
Ed Lane was sitting in the locker room all alone, having changed into his street clothes, but pausing in the process of putting on his shoes. The other guys had come in, changed into their street clothes, made small talk with him and met up with Jules outside the locker rooms to go to the Goose for drinks. They tried to meet up outside of work at least twice a month as a team to keep the comraderie up and healthy.
It had been a hard shift and they were all looking forward to having a few drinks and kicking back before being off for a whole week after working every day and night for a month straight. Ed was supposed to meet them there in about 20 minutes. If he didn't someone would come looking for him. He had plenty of time to do what he was going to do before they would miss him. He needed privacy for this.
He reflected briefly on the days calls. Some were pretty mundane. He had scared a couple of teen boys into promising never to break the law again after he had watched them break the law by picking up some cds and putting them in the one's bookbag before stepping in. They were fairly young, and Ed hadn't really wanted to arrest them, but they had broken the law, or so he had explained to Spike.
He and Spike, who were patrolling together that day had arrested them, taken them to the truck and let them sit in there and cry before Ed decided that they had been punished enough and let them go. Ed had scowled at them the whole time as they sat there crying. Spike had wanted to let them go earlier, but Ed deicded a half an hour and the threat of calling their parents would suffice.
There was another call, A little more gritty. Ed had been negotiating with this young man who had taken a hostage. His demands, when made hadn't been completely clear and Ed tried for three hours to talk this man down, to get him calm enough to see reason and let the hostage go. The man listened a little before going berserk again. Greg relayed the psychological history of the young man to Ed and he had finally understood.
The man had Cancer. Inoperable brain cancer that was slowly spreading. The man didn't want to live. Ed could sympathize. He tried to talk him down, playing the usual cards of maybe it would go into remission, maybe they would find a cure, maybe, just maybe he would get several more years out of his life before he died. He had only been diagnosed earlier that week. The man wasn't buying the act.
After three hours, the man had enough of talking. He was tired of living anyway. He was tired of the knowledge that he would have to take a ton of pills everyday just to combat the pain of his cancer. Of course there was the possiblility of it spreading into the body, into the bones and further. What was the use of living? That had been one of the last things that the young man had screamed at Ed, before shoving the hostage away and shooting himself in the head. What was the use?
Ed had stood there, bowing his head as the rest of the team did their jobs. He couldn't move, he had felt like such a failure. Greg had come up to him, led him away from the scene, drove the truck back to the station, and sat him down at the table they usually debriefed at. All before uttering one word to him. Ed knew that Greg was not angry or upset with him, but Ed was with himself.
Everyone had debriefed about the call and talked about it and had agreed that Ed had done his best to save the man's life. There was nothing that anyone could have done or would have been able to say to save that man's life. He wanted to die bad enough and he accomplished that. Ed knew deep down that it was true, but at the same time, he felt that the rest of the team was just humoring him. He wasn't used to feeling like such a failure. He prided himself on being good at his job.
Everyone on the team had their own plans for their respective time off. Wordy was taking Shelly and their girls to Niagra Falls, both sides. They wanted the girls to be able to see it. They had planned to camp out and make a litle trip of it. Wordy couldn't wait. That was all he could talk about when they were changing. How much fun it was going to be. He even talked about going to visit some friends and taking Shelly out alone for a night on the town.
Sam was going out of town to visit a couple of pals from the Military that were going to be on leave at the same time and go out, catch up with each other and just spend time with friends that were not SRU. He hadn't seen these friends since they had all gone to boot camp with each other years ago. He had begged his father to find out where they were and how they were doing at times, just checking up on them. Surprisingly, his father had done so.
Greg wouldn't say much about his plans. Just that he was going to visit family in the United States. Ed was slightly jealous of his ability to take off. Greg hadn't seen anyone in his family in a really long time, Probably six or seven years. If anyone deserved to get away, it was him, and not for just a week. Greg deserved to be off for at least a year with how much time he put into the SRU. Ed was not going to begrudge him the opportunity.
Jules was staying around, doing some refinishing on her house. She had bought the old house awhile back, but never seemed to find the time to fix it up. She wasn't about to hire anyone to do it for her because she wanted the satisfaction of doing it alone. Having accomplished something by the sweat of her brow only. The guys had all offered to help at one point or another and she politely refused their offers.
Spike wasn't going anywhere either. One might think that he would like to get away and go to some of the places he'd always talked about going to but he wasn't. Ed knew without Spike saying anything that he wanted to be close for his mother in case his father passed sooner than the doctor said. He didn't like the idea of his parents being totally alone while he went on a vacation. Ed understood a little bit.
Ed knew that he had very little precious time to accomplish what he had started to think of as his last mission. He, like the young man today was simply tired of living. He was tired of going to work, putting his life on the line for other people, taking down bad guys, working out and being a leader to everyone. He wanted to do things his way for once. For once, he wanted to be weak. The problem was, he didn't know what his way looked like.
He finished putting his shoes on and pulled out his gun. He sat there on the bench with it in his hands. It always felt so light to him. Easy to carry, a reassuring weight in his holster. Tonight it felt heavy, like a rock. Like the one that Ed was sure was sitting in the pit of his stomach. He couldn't believe that he was actually thinking about this. Actually thinking about just giving up and killing himself.
He quickly scribbled a note and set it on the bench, intending to put it in Wordy's locker right before he took care of things. He could just slip it through the slats on the door. That was all that would be needed to ensure it stayed in there until Wordy discovered it when the team finally came back from vacation. He heaved a sigh and returned to the sheaf of papers that he had also dragged out of his locker.
They were his will and final testament. He had made it out and had it legally recorded. He wanted to make sure that The team would be taken care of. That none of them would want for anything. He quickly looked over the papers again before signing his name at the bottom of all the required pages and folded them up, setting them in his locker. He closed his locker quietly, with a sense of finality. He sat back down on the bench.
He thought long and hard about what he was about to do. He was sure it was what he wanted. He was tired of living. Wasn't he? Or was he really just merely worn out and burned from working all the time. He stopped to think about that thought. He started wondering if maybe all he really needed and wanted was an extended vacation away from the team, away from family, away from civilization.
Just him, and the open road and a campsite. That wouldn't be so bad. He had the money, had the time that he could take off for vacation. Ed was one of those guys he let guys like Wordy who had families take their vacations first and he would cover for them on their respective teams. He sat there, lost in thought. A vacation wasn't such a bad idea. So lost in throught that he didn't hear anyone enter the room.
"Hey Ed. You were taking so long in here I came in to see what the hold up- oh." Ed winced when he heard that voice. Spike. Of all the people who haunted this damned place, it had to be Spike who came in to get him. Ed couldn't kill himself in front of Spike. He liked Spike. He shifted his body to cover the fact that he had his gun in his hand and looked at Spike. He smiled at him, hoping to put him at ease.
"Hey Spike. I thought that you would have headed over to the Goose with everyone else by now. Nice of you to wait for me. Yeah, I know I was taking a long time in here. I was actually just reviewing some papers in between getting dressed and took way too long to finish. Hadn't even put my gun away yet. I was getting there. Want to give me five minutes and I will be ready to roll?" Ed was hoping that Spike would go back outside and let him finish and be done with it. Spike raised an eyebrow at him.
"Ed, I have a question for you." Shit. Spike wasn't leaving like Ed wanted him to. Oh well. Ed could take care of it at home or he could wait until next week. He put the gun in his shoulder holster and hung it up after taking care to remove the bullets. When he had finished, he turned to face Spike, giving him his best scowl. There was actually a double meaning behind the scowl. Ed was trying to throw Spike off and at the same time, he was pissed because Spike ruined his plans.
"What is it Spike? Let's get going, The others are going to come looking for us any moment now." He turned and started to walk out when Spike grabbed hold of his arm. He pulled him back into the locker room away from the door and pushed him to a sitting position on the bench. Ed looked at him apprehensively, trying hard to let nothing show. He made himself not look Spike in the eyes. He did though, and that was when he realized. Spike Knew.
Spike knew damnit. He knew what was really taking Ed so long in the Locker. The Same thing that had taken Spike himself so long in the locker room when Lew had died after stepping on that mine. Ed gave himself a mental shake. He would not think about Lew tonight. That was in the past and it needed to stay there. He smiled at Spike hoping to throw him off. Spike knelt in front of him. Ed almost lost it.
"Were you planning on killing yourself Ed?" Ouch. Direct and to the point. Spike wasn't beating around the bush tonight. Ed refused to look at him in the eyes. He was sure that the judgement that he would see in his eyes would be his undoing. He would finish this- unpleasantness- another time. He thought for a moment that before Spike had walked into the locker room, he had been thinking that all he needed was a vacation away from everything, not kill himself.
"Ed. I am not going to raise the alarm to the whole team. But I do think that you need some kind of help. Can I call Greg please? It can be just between the three of us. No one else needs to know. Otherwise I am not leaving you alone." Ed rolled his eyes. He stood up and paced around the room. Spike sat on the bench and watched him pace. Spike didn't want to lose Ed. Ed was one of the driving forces between keeping the team together.
"Yeah I thought about it. But then I thought about not doing it and I haven't come to any real conlusions yet. What's it to you?" Spike refused to back down from Ed's anger. Ed could be pretty intimidating at times. Normally Spike would walk away and let Wordy handle it. But Wordy wasn't here at the moment he was. Alone with Ed, who was very pissed. Spike tried a different approach with him, he tried to smooth the ruffled feathers.
"Ed. Can I call Greg please? I want you to get some help. He can help you. The whole team doesn't have to know. It doesn't even have to go to The commander or Toth, I remember you really liked him." He said that last part sarcastically, hoping that Ed would go into a rant about him and start bitching about Toth, giving him enough time to text the boss. It worked and Spike pulled out his cell phone and fired off a fast text to Greg, telling him to meet him at the station in the locker room alone.
"Ed please let me help you. I was in your shoes when Lew died. He was my best friend and he waited until I walked away from him for God's sake and stepped off the bomb. He knew that I wanted to save him. It took me a really long time to realize that it wasn't really my fault nor, could I save him. It was his time to go. IT IS NOT YOUR TIME TO GO!" Rarely did Spike shout, but he wanted to get through to Ed.
"Hey Spike, Eddie, am I interrupting something here? Things look pretty heated in here. What's going on?" Just wonderful. Greg was in here. Ed had to really hand it to Spike, he would make a hell of a negotiator yet. He found the one sore spot within him and stirred it up, letting him rant while texting Greg. Ed was actually proud of Spike for that neat little trick. Didn't mean that he wasn't going to kick his ass later on though. He was pulled out of his thoughts when Greg touched his arm.
"Eddie, sit down. Spike sit." Spike Sat, Ed refused. Greg noticed he was quickly becoming angry and started to defuse the situation. It didn't worked. Whatever Spike had said to him had really lit a match under Ed's ass. He was good and pissed off. Wonderful. A pissed off Eddie was not something one would like to deal with. Greg would have rathered dealt with a calm Ed. He turned to Spike. Spike was watching Ed like a hawk.
"Spike, What on earth did you say to him that pissed him off so much?" Spike looked at Greg with a pitying look. He looked at Ed who was standing there turned away from them leaning over the sink. Spike knew that he was holding on his composure by a very thin thread. He felt sorry for having contacted, but damned if he was about to apologize for being concerned about his friend and team leader.
"I asked him if he was intending to kill himself because I walked in here with him having his gun in his hand. And then I refused to leave when he said that he had thought about it. I'm not apologizing for texting you Boss. He needs help." Greg looked at Ed who was slowly scrunching himself away from the two of them. His heart went out to him. He stood up slowly, not really wanting to believe that Ed was actually thinking about it.
"Oh. Eddie." Ed backed away as Greg and Spike came closer to him. He put up his hands in front of him, starting to look a little like a caged animal. Greg backed off a little, recognizing that they were backing Ed into a corner. He didn't want to do that. He smiled at Ed. Ed hated that patronizing look.
"I said I had only thought about it, didn't say I was going to do it. I think I am going to go home instead of out for drinks with everyone. I'm really not feeling in a drinking kind of mood. Spike thanls for calling the Boss but you really didn't need to. I will see you all next week." He started to walk around Spike and was surprised when Spike grabbed his arm and swung him around to face him.
"Bullshit Ed. You were about to before I walked in and you know it. Don't fucking lie to me and try to pretend any different. I am your friend and your team mate. You at least owe me the courtesy of not lying to me about something like this. You know damn well that if any of the rest of us were in your position you would doing the same thing. Trying to talk them down out of making a horrible decision."
Spike pushed him away into the locker and paced around while clenching and unclenching his fists. Ed had never seen Spike pissed like this. Mad, yes. Pissed, not at all. He turned to Greg, who was sitting on the bench. Greg knew too. He knew it the second he walked in and saw Ed like this in the locker room. He knew what was running through Ed's mind better than Ed did himself.
"Eddie. I am not reporting this to the commander, but I want your service revolvers and I want you to see a shrink all next week while we are off. This is not negotiable. You need to stop and reassess your feelings and your decisions before you go and do something stupid please. I am your Boss, but I am also your friend." Greg held out his hand for the keys to Ed's locker. Ed kicked the trash can sending it skittering across the floor.
"You think I'm crazy don't you? Well I'm not. Everyone thinks about doing it at some point Greg. You should know that. I just- I thought about it yes. I thought it would solve everything. I know that it won't. it just causes grief and pain for those left behind. I'm fine now. I had my moment of stupidity. Can we just go now?" He started to move to the door and found his way blocked by Greg.
"Eddie, I can't let you walk out that door. You know that. I have to either go with you somewhere to talk more or I have to arrest you. Your call, but you aren't going home alone. I cannot as your friend and your boss let you go anywhere alone." Ed nodded and paced around like a Tiger with a thorn in its foot. Greg could see that Ed was close to breaking. He pushed one more time. He didn't want to break Ed, but he had to talk.
"Eddie, please. Talk to me here. I can help you but you have to talk to me first." Spike sat down heavily against the door, ensuring that no one was going to be coming in. Ed would need privacy if he was going to talk. Ed rubbed his head wearily and slid down against the lockers, welcoming the cutting pain that came from his back getting scratched by a rough edge. He closed his eyes for a moment rubbing his face again, though Greg knew he was trying to wipe the tears without being obvious.
"I can't help it Greg. I'm human- I hurt too. I just, I can't go on as, I just," Ed broke down in sobs, covering his face as he cried. His heart wrenching sobs reverberated through out the locker room. Greg knelt down and folded Ed into his arms, rocking back and forth with him like he was a small child. Spike watched for a moment before crossing over and hugging Ed as well, comforting him.
After several minutes, Ed pulled back. He reached into his pocket and withdrew his locker key. He held them out to Greg who took them and put them in his pocket silently. Greg stood up slowly and held out his hand to Ed who took it unflinchingly. Once on his feet, he felt a little stronger. Greg hugged him and Spike threw his arms around him. Ed sighed and rubbed his face again.
"I'm going to be off a little longer than just a week aren't I Greg?"Greg shrugged.
"I don't know buddy, We better take things one step at a time. For now, you and I are going to talk and contact a therapist that you can talk to, off the departmental radar. No point in involving them if it's something that can be cleared up on your own. But I am going to take your service revolver that's at home, and the one in your locker. Come on. I'll make you some coffee and we can talk. Spike, you can stay and wait or go home." Spike nodded and said that he'd stay.
As Greg and Ed walked out of the locker room, a small, folded peice of paper fluttered to the floor. Spike was the only one who saw it and he stooped to pick it up. There were only a few words scribbled on the sheet, in Ed's writing. Spike read it silently and wept openly letting the tears fall down his cheeks.
Even the strong fall sometimes.~ Ed.