Chapter 1

Sam wasn't exactly surprised when he heard the door open. It wasn't like he hadn't expected it, wasn't like that wasn't the reason he was in his kitchen before the sun hit its peak, sitting as far from the table as he could manage and just—waiting.

It had been either him or Jacob, and, well, that was an obvious choice. Considering.

"Edward," Sam said portentously, feeling himself still. "Will the rest of the Cullens be joining us?" He immediately cursed himself for talking like they were at some sort of social gathering.

Edward looked unsurprisingly pale, and fragile as if a gust of wind would knock him right off his feet. He was breaking the treaty, what remained of it at least, and Sam's instincts screamed to eradicate the danger to his home. Only the Cullens had never proven themselves any sort of a threat.

And there were other reasons, too. Such as that Sam was fairly certain they owed him this, and Edward wasn't exactly inspiring enmity just then.

It looked like he was burning. Like loss was carving away at his insides, eating him alive, like he was being torn into pieces right then and there. He looked like Sam thought he would have if it had been—and God, it hurt to even think of it—Emily inside of that coffin.

Sam couldn't ask him to leave.

"They aren't, they told me not to come," said Edward, who had seemed completely unaware of the turmoil in Sam's mind. Sam wondered if it even worked anymore, his telepathy. Maybe it was just a maelstrom of white noise, a knot that he could no longer be bothered to unravel. "I just—"

His gaze lit upon the coffin, and his eyes were already black as coal but Sam swore they managed to darken.

"Oh," Edward breathed, and for a moment it looked like his legs would give out. Sam readied himself to step forward, but Edward flinched back as if he'd been hit and Sam let his hands fall, felt so helpless it hurt.

"Did she," Edward said, his tone strangled, and then stopped like the words had lodged in his mouth.

Sam thought, Emily, and his voice gentled almost without effort. "Did she what?" he asked softly, noting with some far corner of his brain that he could smell the faintest hint of death—God, she was decomposing already, nature working quickly to reclaim a fucking corpse. And if his human nose could smell it then the scent was magnified a thousandfold to Edward Cullen.

No wonder he looked like he was about to be sick.

Edward didn't answer. "I need to see her," he said instead, pale and washed out as a ghost in the bright kitchen lights, and Sam took a moment to register the words.

Upon which he leapt to his feet.

"No," he said vehemently, the images that Edward could absolutely not be allowed to see swelling like a blister in his mind. Edward looked at him as if he was seeing right through Sam and into his thoughts, and Sam realized exactly what he had done, and how he'd been played.

But it was impossible to be angry with Edward just then. His face was drawn and set, the images clearly already burned into his vampire-perfect memory, a looped tape of nightmares to be played for the rest of time.

Sam grabbed his wrist so hard that he heard the grinding of delicate bones, but Edward didn't wince.

"Hey," Sam said, forcing his voice into neutrality. He had to stay calm: he was the only one who could. "Listen. You didn't—you couldn't possibly have stopped it."

Edward twisted out of Sam's grasp and looked at him with an expression so blank it seemed desperate, somehow, poised on the cusp of some wild emotion. Then their fragile bubble of silence was burst.

Sam cursed silently as the door swung open and Jacob stepped inside, the epitome of wholesome happiness, his hand wrapped tight around Angela's. He was wearing the same expression he always did these days, the one that said he had everything he could possibly want in the world.

He had the worst timing imaginable, and there was no way this was going to end well.

Jacob's gaze caught on Edward in that moment and he froze, Angela wide-eyed and forgotten by his side, because Jacob had always been so easily distracted from the ones he loved. Edward stared at him with that same lost expression, but there was emotion burning white-hot in his eyes. It made him look pale as ice.

Sam wondered distractedly what it was between these two, on Jacob's end at least, that was so unexplainably intense. Distracting him from Angela—it shouldn't have been possible, and yet Edward was managing just fine.

Edward's eyes seemed to blaze impossibly brighter as he spoke, face on the verge of crumpling.

"You did this."

"Edward?" Angela whispered, barely audible. She was ignored.

"She trusted you," Edward shouted, and Sam realized distractedly that it was the first time he'd heard the leech raise his voice. "I trusted you to keep her safe!"

And he made as if to step forward.

Sam didn't want to, the memory of Edward lying shaking in the snow still at the forefront of his mind, but he lunged forward anyway to slam him back against the wall. Edward didn't resist, didn't even wince: just stayed limp in Sam's grasp like a rag doll.

Sam winced for him and backed away, suddenly tasting blood like he'd been sucker-punched.

"Edward, listen," he said, his voice rasping slightly. "I'm sorry for what happened. We all are."

Edward wasn't listening. He just stared at the ground, that same dead look in his eyes, and two months ago Sam never would have expected that everything would go so wrong.

Two months earlier.

"I don't believe it," came Seth's voice, and he did sound betrayed.

Bella pulled away like she'd been burned, which maybe she had because Jacob ran hot. She licked her lips unconsciously, still tasting him on her tongue and the roof of her mouth.

The horror came on slowly, a creeping coldness that burned away the heat, and she wondered with a sense of near detachment what she had done.

Bella kept her eyes fixed steadily on the white clean snow beneath her feet, finding comfort in the sheer sameness of it, though just inches from her it had melted to expose bare earth where Jacob stood. The few tumbling snowflakes were already coating the area in a fine gray glaze, covering dirt just a few shades darker than Jacob's skin.

Seth and Edward stood just mere feet from them with identical expressions of disappointment, though Seth's was beginning to fade into annoyance and Edward's to carefully cultivated calm.

Of course it was Seth who had spoken, angry and brash, while Edward just looked sort of lost. Bella kept staring at the ground.

The ring on her finger seemed to gain an extra pound or two as she realized that she could never make things right, but there was something she could do all the same. The facts were simple: Edward would always be there for her, and she wanted to give Jacob a chance.

For no reason perhaps more than that she was tired of hurting him and Edward, at least, he hid his pain so well. Never made her feel guilty over it. And she knew he wouldn't even now, when she hurt him more badly than she ever had before.

"Jacob, Sam said that was a dick move," Seth continued, voice rising steadily, and Bella wondered vaguely why he sounded so hurt. That wasn't fair: she didn't need his unhappiness on her as well. "When you thought of—of faking killing yourself to— Sam said not to! You did it anyway, why?"

Bella wasn't looking at him but his voice was young and betrayed by someone he cared about, and guilt cooked her insides like steak. She remembered the grinning, gangly little boy he'd once been and hated herself a bit more for helping show him how bad things could really get.

But then they'd all been kids once, and she had enough to feel guilty about already. Like Edward.

God, Edward.

"Well, it worked, didn't it," Jacob was saying, cocky and sure as if he'd never experienced a moment of doubt. "So I guess Sam doesn't know what he's talking about." He slanted a grin over at Edward, and there was absolutely no warmth in his eyes. It wasn't a nice smile. "I did tell you she'd ask me to kiss her, Cullen."

Edward didn't respond, didn't even meet his eyes, just stood there looking fragile and pale as if he wanted to melt into the snow at his back.

"I did," Bella whispered, even as the rest of her screamed for her mouth to snap shut. "I asked him. I'm sorry."

And that wasn't new but her admitting it was, like she was accepting what she'd done and forcing the rest of them to do so as well. Edward flinched back, just a bit, as if she'd stuck him, and the smirk Jacob turned on him made it clear he was taking credit for the blow.

Bella told herself to suck it up and painfully lifted her eyes from the ground.

Seth looked furious, but it was the expression on Edward's face that broke Bella's heart. He was staring at her like he'd never seen her before, like all his darkest nightmares had come true.

"Edward," she whispered, her voice pleading though she wasn't sure why.

Even Jacob, for once, seemed to have grown a shred of decency, and he was staring at the ground. But the rounded curve of his cheek belied his guilt, and if the situations had been reversed—Edward never would have smiled like that. Edward was so good, too good, and Bella did not deserve him.

"What do you want, Bella?" Edward asked, a question with so many layers, and she didn't—she didn't even know what he meant.

Bella needed him, she did, and now she was aching for his pain. But the one thing he had to give he didn't want to, he'd given her a taste and she wanted so much more, and she just couldn't handle it if he wouldn't agree to her change.

"I don't know," she breathed in an agony of indecision, and Edward's face softened a crucial fraction.

"It's okay. You don't have to choose. I'm bowing out."

She'd never heard his voice so vulnerable before. Bella felt like she was falling.

"Edward, what—"

"You seem to be having trouble deciding between us," Edward said, his voice still unguarded, which on top of everything else seemed just—indecently wrong. It was too much.

"Let me make things easier on you," Edward continued, and though the words would probably have been sarcastic on Jacob, Edward just sounded sincere. As if he really wanted things to be easier for her.

Edward dropped his eyes to the ground as he spoke. Bella wanted to push his chin up and make him meet her eyes as he said these things, these stupid, terrible, wonderful things—because he was shouldering the blame, alleviating the guilt as she had almost known he would. She kept her hands firmly at her sides.

"I'm out," Edward was saying. "Go with Jacob. He can give you everything I can't. I mean, we all know that."

Jacob grinned with such inordinate smugness that Bella resisted the urge to slap him.

She put that aside and set her jaw, pulling off the ring without looking at it.

Her hand felt heavier without it on, and she hadn't expected taking off a damn piece of jewelry to hurt so much.

Edward made no move when she held it out, and Bella glanced down at the cold glitter of diamonds against her pale, fragile hand. She felt a sudden wave of terror: the urge to keep this, to not let it go.

Stubborn, she held out the ring with an impatient huff.

Edward took it back with an absent air, eyes still fixed on hers, pale face set. Bella treasured the swipe of his slim, cool fingers against her palm, thinking: just one more thing she would never feel again.

"I don't want it. I never did," she whispered, and too late she heard the unnecessary cruelty of those words. "I'm sorry. I do love you."

She winced immediately afterwards, wishing she could take the words back, and sure enough Edward looked away like he'd been slapped.

"Just not enough," Jacob said, a grin threatening to break forth. "Sucks for you, Cullen."

"Oh my God, Jacob, just shut the hell up!" Seth burst out, and Bella's protectiveness was roused.

"Seth, leave him alone," she said furiously. "Jacob's hurting, don't make this worse for him—"

Seth looked about ready to burst. "Worse for him?" he shouted with bubbling incredulity, and Bella bit her lip. "What about Edward? What the hell is wrong with you, Bella?"

There was a perfectly horrible silence, during which Bella just didn't know what to say.

"So why are you here, leech?" asked Jacob, who'd been watching the proceedings with a look of incredulous glee. "Wanted to see your girlfriend getting a piece of something that wasn't dead for once?"

Even Bella had to admit that was over the line.

Edward seemed unable to meet his eyes. "The newborns, they're more dangerous than expected," he said to the ground. "They sniffed out your pack—Jasper's plan fell through, and they're all fighting together now. They could probably use some assistance."

"Huh," said Jacob, sounding supremely uninterested.

Edward shook himself very slightly. He seemed to be trying to put up a mask, but it kept slipping off, revealing the crumpled expression beneath.

"Seth," he said stiffly, limbs tense beneath dark designer clothes. "We should. We should go now."

Bella searched her memory, trying and failing to come up with the moment that Seth had phased. Edward looked so human at his side that she feared for him a little.

"Wait!" she said, voice loud in the stillness. Her lungs felt tight as they both turned back to her, the massive wolf whining and nudging at Edward's hand like his instincts weren't screaming at him to bite it off. Seth was weird.

But Edward smiled down at him, a quick, cheerless quirk of the lips, and seemed entirely comfortable and not disposed to move. Edward was weird, too, and maybe that was the only reason this friendship made any sense.

Then Edward looked up expectantly, and Bella remembered she'd told him to stay—just a panicked, instinctive response to the sight of him leaving her. Seth was phased, she thought wildly, which meant the whole pack could see her humiliation now. Voyeurs if they cared enough to bother.

"Bella," Edward said, his voice calm and self-possessed. "If you could make it quick. I have a war to fight."

Bella swayed, and maybe he was leaving her after all. "What? You're fighting? But—you promised—"

And he couldn't break it, not now, not when she was already losing him in so many painful, wrenching ways.

"Things change," Edward said, emotion breaking through his voice for a moment and making it harsh. He seemed to catch himself and sighed, closing his eyes for a brief instant, and then he was her Edward again.

"I'm sorry. I love you," he assured her. "I always will. And I'll do whatever it takes to make you happy with Jacob. I—but I'm going to fight beside my family now. They need me. Jacob will stay with you here, I'm sure."

He cast a glance at Jacob, and Bella wondered that there was no resentment or anger in Edward's gaze. Just a quiet acceptance, and the ever-present kindness in his eyes. "You'll keep her safe?"

Jacob's mouth worked, warring triumph and reluctance to ever address Edward with any sort of courtesy. But Jacob had always been more willing to be gracious when things were going his way. "Yeah," he said gruffly. "Yeah. She'll be fine."

Bella could read him so well.

And Edward—Bella knew down to her bones that he loved her, knew it was more than she could possibly comprehend, but there was still an element of uncertainty when it came to him. Confusion as to how he possibly could, when he was so beautiful and she was so plain. And Bella was tired of constantly measuring herself up against him, and failing, and feeling the knowledge eat away at her soul.

She just didn't want him to leave like this, with Seth blaming her, with this terrible, grinding feeling of guilt.

"It's your fault," she said, her voice breaking, and felt the weight of Jacob's disbelieving stare on her. But her eyes were glued on Edward. "If you just would have changed me—it's the only way we could have been together, and you wouldn't listen!"

Edward bowed his head as if he did feel guilty, and it weighed on him. "I know that," he said, his voice barely more than a whisper. "I know it's my fault. I'm so sorry."

Bella felt better then, with the comfortable sound of his apologies.

And maybe guilt was his safety net, because he finally seemed to find it in him to approach her. Bella blinked and he was there, pale and gleaming in the gray morning light.

He took her face in his hands, careful as if she was a bird he did not want to frighten away, and kissed her mouth once, very softly. Bella clung to him and felt safe, an illusion only shattered when Jacob made a sound of impatience from behind her.

Seth, whose apparent shift in alliance was both baffling and complete, growled.

"Seth," Edward said sharply, "stop, please. It's all right." But he was still holding onto Bella's hand, fingers white around her wrist as if he would never let it go.

She sensed Jacob's growing edginess behind her and wondered if Edward was not so good as he'd always seemed. Maybe she would be witness to a fight between them after all.

But in this aspect, Edward had never surprised her, and he was unchanging.

After another long moment he finally closed his eyes, bowed his gleaming copper head to her hand and kissed the back of it, just once. Like a gentleman bidding his lady farewell, except that wouldn't have been laced with a desperation that made Bella sick.

"I love you. I always will," he said, his voice stilted and at the same time sincere as only he could be. "I hope you're very happy."

He gently swiped at Seth's fur and they both turned away again, and this time Bella couldn't bring herself to ask them to stay.

The war was beginning, life careening onwards, despite the fact that she felt frozen in time. Bella stared at their retreating figures, pale sunlight catching and refracting off his skin and his hair, and knew the hollow pit of loss in her stomach would never be filled.

Jacob's warm arms snaked around her neck, his touch light and almost careless in its surety. She just couldn't seem to draw comfort from it.

"Just you and me now," he said, voice rough, pressing his lips to the spot below her ear in a way that just moments ago had brought her pleasure but could no longer overcome the pain.

Bella shuddered and twisted in his grasp to bury her face in his chest, closing her eyes and praying for darkness to swallow up the sight of Edward, shattered and trying to hide it, staring at Bella as Bella was breaking his heart.

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