A/N: So, this is a plot bunny that randomly popped into my head one day after thinking about wacky things that James would try to do, once again, to "win" over Lily. Some parts of this fic will mention one of my previous fanfics, "The Kissing Booth Incident of 1976", but it will not need to be read to understand this story. All you need to know is that James tried (and failed) to hold a kissing booth in the Gryffindor common room on Valentine's Day, 1976.

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, and by association Witch Weekly. I'm not sure I would want to own Witch Weekly, either...

o o o

The Witch Weekly Phenomenon is [...] truly a force to be reckoned with. All over the country, young women are becoming engrossed with the magazine, which boasts quizzes, solutions to household problems, and the unfortunate Most Charming Smile award. In truth, however, it is not Witch Weekly that is the problem. It is Teen Witch, published by the same founder of Witch Weekly, Tobias Misslethorpe (anyone for pitchforks and fire?).

Teen Witch is targeted towards the same audience, but with more unfounded rumors and useless pieces of trivia (who needs to know what Hogwarts house tie fits best with your skin tone? Who cares?). Perhaps I am biased; a daughter spending hours on end poring over the magazine instead of doing something useful is a contributing factor to my opinion.

However, how can an article that proclaims any man can win over a girl by wooing her in fourteen easy ways be something that is healthy for young women to read? Let's face it, a MEN'S EYES ONLY headline isn't going to cut it...

—Excerpt from The Daily Prophet, Opinion Section, retrieved from the Hogwarts library

o o o

Sirius Black does not have anything against Teen Witch. He really doesn't. He doesn't have a sister who believes everything it says like Peter, or a personal vendetta against it after it printed an article that a werewolf was "completely and utterly harmless" and a "perfect cuddle-buddy" (Remus had grudgingly admitted that yes, it was better than the usual "burn 'em all with silver" opinion, but he was still determined to hate the magazine for the rest of his days).

At this moment, though, he would like nothing more to rip the magazine into pieces and kill whoever had the bright idea to start the magazine (never mind that they're probably dead already).

"James," Sirius says faux-calmly, from his current (extremely uncomfortable) position on the Gryffindor boys' dormitory floor, "Is there a reason that you decided to run into the room screaming about wooing girls and fling a magazine into my head?"

"Look at this!" James shouts, ignoring Sirius, but picking up the magazine. "Look!"

"At what?" Sirius asks, confused. "101 Ways to Spell Away Your Acne?"

"What? No!" James replies.

"Oh! So You Think You're an Arrogant Twat?"

"Wait—Oi!"

Sirius cackles, and James frowns at him. "I'm talking about this," James says, pointing to a large headline in bold that proclaims: FOURTEEN SURE-FIRE WAYS TO GET THE GIRL.

"Isn't Teen Witch a magazine for, you know, girls? I didn't know there were so many bi-curious girls in Great Britain," Sirius quips.

"Oh." James pauses. "I didn't think about that. No, wait! Look!" James points at a sickeningly pink headline outfitted with stars and hearts, that proclaims, SHHH...MEN'S EYES ONLY, PLEASE.

Sirius bursts out laughing, clutching his stomach. "And they expect to make money off of this? Men? I doubt anyone reading this is ever going to grow facial hair."

"Hey! I read it!"

"Exactly," Sirius drawls.

"You won't talk like that after you read it," James protests. "This article changed my life." James shoves the article in Sirius's face again, to his great annoyance. Sirius picks it up, and sighs. He already knows that the only way out of this is murder, and his wand is lost somewhere under the piles of dirty socks and Quidditch magazines.

He skims through it quickly, trying not to gag at each tip, which are all horribly disgusting things like Give her 99 roses, and say that each one is something beautiful about her and Recite the balcony scene from Romeo & Juliet. He throws it back at James as soon as he can, thinking of cleansing topics such as moldy cheese and lectures about the Goblin Rebellion of 1703 (how many of those were there, anyway? Didn't goblins have things to do besides start riots?).

"See?" James beams. "It's wonderful!"

"How?" Sirius asks. "You want to recite some boring play for fun?"

James gasps over-dramatically. "Sirius, Romeo & Juliet is the most romantic play that has been ever written. Granted, I haven't seen it or anything, but just look at the names! They sound romantic enough. I mean, Juliet."

"You've finally gotten over Evans? But your rebound is a girl named after elderberries or something?"

"For your information, Juliet actually means youthful. And no, I have not given up on my fair Lily. What do you think these tips were for?"

"Oh, no." Sirius says, shaking his head. "No, you are not going to use advice from a magazine for teenage girls to woo a girl, and you are not going to force me to help you. Valentine's Day, 1976, James. Two words: kissing booth."

James looks properly chastised for a moment, but then he starts again. "This time will be different. I'm older, wiser, and more experienced. You'll see. You won't regret helping me; I've already gotten Remus and Peter to do it too. Please?"

Sirius doubts Remus would have agreed to that, and even more Peter, after the last incident with the scones and Firewhiskey. Once again, though, he knows there's no arguing with James after he gets an idea into his head.

That doesn't mean that he won't attempt to discourage him, however. "Evans will hate it. She doesn't like girly stuff. Remus said so." Okay, so he's lying. He knows for a fact that her favorite play is something called As You Like It by that same Muggle playwright who wrote that Rome and Janet thing (and no, he did not stalk her like James probably does. He simply overheard her talking about it very loudly to one bored-to-death Mary MacDonald.).

James doesn't fall for the bait. "That Shakes guy isn't girly. I mean, he's probably really boring, but I don't think he's girly. Wait, he isn't a girl, right? No, his first name is Bill or something. Unless that's short for Billa?"

"Billa isn't a name, James." Sirius wonders if it's too late to grab a pillow and smother himself with it. Anything would be better than listening to James wax poetic about Evans or go off on another one of his pointless and frankly confusing tirades.

After hearing James muse about the origins of the name "Billa" for a full five minutes, Sirius gives up. "James," he says loudly.

"What?" The person in question pulls himself out of his perplexing thoughts, and turns to Sirius.

"I'll do it," Sirius says.

"You will?" It's almost adorable, watching James look like an excited puppy that finally got his bone, but it's James (and frankly, Sirius would rather date one of Hagrid's mutant creatures than James, best friend or not).

"I'll regret it deeply and for the rest of my days, but I will."

"Yes!" James throws a fist in the air. "ThankyousomuchIwillbeyourservantforever."

"But." Sirius says, holding up a finger. "First, you have to get someone to advise you."

"What do you mean?"

"Someone to keep you from making horrible mistakes such as deciding to read that balcony thing or whatever."

"Once again, it's romantic."

"Fine, fine," Sirius replies. "Still, you need someone to help you, and unfortunately, that can't be me, Remus, or Peter, since we obviously have horrible judgement, as proven by our unwise decision to help you."

"Get on with it, Sirius. Who is it?"

"McKinnon," he states simply, and after seeing James's horrified look, adding, "Yes, she'll belittle us and make annoying comments about your Quidditch magazines, Peter's hoarding of unnecessary objects, my hair products (and I do not use too many, thank you very much), and Remus's—well, everything, but she can occasionally be helpful. Very occasionally."

"Fine. What's the second thing?"

"Uphold your end of the bargain. Be my servant for the rest of the year—you know, bring me food from the kitchens, take the blame for stuff, carry me around on one of those wooden chair thingamabobs, and never mention Teen Witch or Witch Weekly again. Ever."

"Everything except for the third one."

"Deal," Sirius agrees.

"Thankyouthankyouthankyou! You will not regret this!" James cheers, flinging open the door and running out of the dormitory.

Looking after him, Sirius groans, and buries his face in his hands. He makes a silent note to stop making decisions on his own, since he obviously can't be trusted to make them on his own.

A few moments later, the door bursts open again, and he glances up to see a frazzled-looking Remus and Peter.

"You agreed, too?" Remus asks, and Sirius nods. Peter holds up a signed Quidditch poster and a large box of Fudge Flies, while Remus points at something tucked under his arm that resembles records.

"Bribery?" Sirius questions, to which the both of them sigh deeply.

"What did we get ourselves into again?" Peter says to no one in particular, flopping down on his bed and staring at the ceiling.

"Something very, very bad, my friend," Sirius replies grimly. "Something very, very bad."

o o o

So, should I continue? It would be about fifteen or sixteen chapters. Feedback, review, favorite, follow?