Marissa stares out at the room thinking of all the times she thought she would leave this town. When she was five, she told herself she was secretly a princess and would go to live in a gigantic castle full of marble and ornate stone. There would be no bedtime, no chores, no yelling. It would be her and her dad and a castle overlooking the clouds.
When she was ten, she told herself she would be an actress and move to LA or maybe even New York so she would never have to be around all these people again. She would smile and she would laugh and cry for the camera the way she did for people every single day.
When she was fifteen, she had a plan. She would take as much money out of the ATM as possible and just drive until she couldn't drive anymore. She would change her name and her hair and her clothes. She would be happy. She would be free.
But on one warm August night, she found the one thing that made her want to stay.
Now, three years later, she is finally leaving. Tears fill her eyes as she thinks of everything that has brought her here. All the drinking, the fights, the break ups and make ups. How she managed to survive amazes her, and makes her almost think that there is almost nothing she can't handle.
Glancing around the room, she is taken back to that first summer Ryan came to Newport. They had walked these rooms together, had talked and shared secrets, had seemingly had their entire relationship in front of them. Maybe she had been with Luke, but even then she had to have known she was going to inevitably fall deeply in love with this one troubled boy. What she would give to be that girl asking to stay the night one last time. What she would give to have just wrapped her arms around him right then and there and to have told him she would never ever be the one to leave.
What she would give to go back and do everything differently. Maybe then she would not have to leave.
Ryan comes up behind her, softly touching her back. "You okay?"
She does not even realize she has been crying until he asks her, and immediately tries to hide her emotion. "Yeah." She tries offering him a smile, but the way his eyes bore into her makes her wonder if he knows what she is thinking. A part of her knows that he does, that they always know what the other is thinking, just never find a way to actually speak the words.
"It's so weird talking about that night." He smiles, as if in disbelief, as if he too does not understand how they got here. "The last time we were here I was leaving and now you are."
She wonders briefly why one of them is always leaving. She wonders why neither one of them can ever just stay. "That night… did you ever think we'd end up together?" She shrugs as if she does not care, but she does. She needs to know if he felt it too back then. She needs to know if he still feels it even now.
He stares at her seriously, his eyes unblinking. "You saying it's over?" For half a second her heart skips, but then she sees his smile and knows he is joking. "Cause you never know, right?"
Her smile falls, and so does his. The way he stares at her, she almost thinks he truly believes they could still have a chance. "I'm sorry… for all the craziness." And she is. She wishes she could change everything if only to make him happier. She is so tired of making him unhappy.
He shakes his head, his eyes never leaving hers. "I wouldn't have done it any differently." She lets those words wash over her, and they heal her in a way. She smiles, and he says, "Except, maybe Oliver."
She laughs at that. "Me too."
His smile warms her heart as he asks, "Ready to go?"
She merely nods, but says nothing.
She could never be ready to leave him.
XXXXX
When in Greece, she peels potatoes and works long hours and does not get a lot of time to herself. She is constantly moving, constantly going, constantly working, and the mind numbing work suits her. Her hands become calloused and her skin becomes tanner and hair slightly lighter.
At night she sometimes stares up at the stars on deck while everyone else sleeps thinking of that night with Ryan and all the other nights she spent with him. She writes him letters and emails about the boat and her dad and the water but never quite tells him how much she thinks about him and his smile and those blue eyes that always managed to light up her entire world.
Somewhere in between the long hours and the warm nights her heart manages to heal.
XXXXX
Ryan goes to Berkeley and majors in Architecture from the first semester. He goes to parties and learns which professors prefer it when you speak up in class and where to go when it's 3 AM and you're studying for a big test and in need of some pancakes and coffee.
He dates a number of girls. There's Melanie with the green eyes and dark hair that reminds him of the darkest parts of night. There's Chloe with her deep blue eyes and big lips that taste like honey and sugar. There's Heather with her nose ring and tattoo of a heart in the valley between her breasts that tastes like salt and soap and sex.
In his second semester he meets Aubrey who is small and smart and beautiful and talks to him about science and philosophy and history all in one. She makes him think about the stars and planets and the grass and trees in ways he has never thought of before. When he is with her, he does not feel like the kid from Chino who made it big in Berkeley, does not feel like the kid from Newport who never quite fit in, but feels like someone that maybe could belong somewhere.
When he kisses her, he finally stops thinking of Marissa, and really that's what makes him decide he loves her.
XXXXX
Julie, now Julie Cooper Nichol Roberts, picks Marissa up from the airport a year and two weeks after she left. They hug and cry and then laugh at how emotional they both are. Kaitlin tells them to stop being babies before the two older women pull her into a hug. It is the Cooper girls all over again, and Marissa is glad to be back home.
That night they all have dinner at the Roberts' house, the three of them and the Roberts and the Cohens. When she sees Ryan again, she drinks in everything – his short, blonde hair, the crease in his collar, the crinkle in the corner of his eye. He opens his arms to her and she sinks into the familiar, reminding herself not to close her eyes and get lost because she might simply never be found.
He pulls back, and that's when Marissa sees her. She is quite simply beautiful, all green eyes and soft smile. Ryan's eyes brighten when she comes to his side, and he wraps his arm around her waist in a familiar way that lets Marissa know this is no casual affair. This is real and Ryan is in love, actually in love, and happy.
"This is Aubrey," he says, smiling at Aubrey as he says her name.
Marissa knows this is important to him, and even though the tears prick her eyes they remain dry as she extends her hand and smiles.
XXXXX
Ryan marries Aubrey on a clear October day in a church she dragged him to every Sunday morning. Marissa watches from the pews, takes note of the way he stares at Aubrey with a soft smile and even softer eyes. Aubrey does not shed a single tear, and Marissa finds fault with this because if it were her, she would not be able to hide the tears.
At the reception Ryan and Aubrey dance to a cheesy love song that Aubrey adores. Aubrey rests her head against Ryan's shoulder and Ryan holds her close. Marissa dances with Summer and laughs with Seth and has a good time, a decent time, a fun enough time considering.
Hours in, after the cake and the toasts and the iconic moments, Ryan asks Marissa to dance. His arms are warm and they feel like home and she still thinks if she closes her eyes she might get lost.
"Thank you for coming," he murmurs into her ear, and even though it has broken her heart into tiny little pieces, she is glad she came, too.
"I wouldn't miss it," she says, smiling, and it doesn't even look sad. She prides herself for this.
As they sway, she ignores the rest of the room, ignores the gaze of her best friend and the family she never would have and instead focuses on Ryan's arms and the sweetness of his cologne and the warmth of his breath on her shoulder.
He had asked her years ago if she was saying it was really over. They had laughed and stared at each other with an almost comforting sense of maybe someday between them.
But when she smiles at him, her eyes dry, at the end of the dance, she thinks that this time it really is over and that it's all right.
XXXXX
While Ryan begins his married life and career as an architect, Marissa becomes a nurse and heals herself by healing others. She is not a doctor, she does not have the prestige, but she talks to people and cares for them with her soft hands and even softer smile. She is happy and she is strong and she is proud of herself.
She falls in love with Gabe with his dark hair and warm dark eyes that remind her of the stars on the boat in Greece. He has cancer but he is more full of life than anyone she has ever met. She sees him routinely as he comes for treatment, checks his vitals and laughs at the cute things he says. After he is better, out of the woods, he says, he asks her out and she accepts.
He is a writer, a lover of poetry. He is a dreamer, a lover of love. He is romantic and open and everything she hadn't realized she wants in the thin, warm body of a man whose body has tried to kill itself from the inside.
One night after making love they lay on the floor of their living room together. Gabe turns to her and tells her he wants to marry her and no one or nothing will stop him. That he needs to have her as his wife, needs it more than he ever needed the chemo or the radiation, that if he does not marry her he might possibly die of a broken heart.
She laughs and kisses him. He is a poet, a writer, dramatic. But she loves him, more than she ever thought she could love someone again. "Then marry me," she says, and with them it's that simple.
XXXXX
She marries him in a small wedding, surprising most of Newport. Julie Cooper's daughters were thought to be the princesses of Newport, and surely she would spare no expense. But Marissa and Gabe wanted only close friends and family there.
Ryan attends, Aubrey on his arm, and is amazed by how beautiful a bride Marissa is. He had always thought her beautiful, but he hadn't seen Marissa this made up in years, and he has to remind himself how to breathe. Aubrey notices, but says nothing.
She does not even look his way as she walks down the aisle, only looks at Gabe with a smile he thinks makes her more beautiful than any makeup or dress in the world. She looks entirely happy, something Ryan has not seen of her in such a long time that he had forgotten what it looks like. She promises her life to Gabe, and somewhere deep inside Ryan feels some old pang of sadness, but he turns to Aubrey and smiles at her.
This time, Marissa asks Ryan to dance. Again, the eyes follow them on the dance floor, but the two block out all the stares. "You look great," Ryan tells her sincerely, hoping she can't hear the catch in his voice or see the twinge of regret in his eyes. Marrying Aubrey was the best for both of them, but some selfish part of him just could not let Marissa go. He realizes he will never be able to see her with another guy and not feel the slightest bit jealous, but maybe that's okay.
"Thank you," she merely replies, smiling.
"I don't think I've seen you this happy since we were in high school," he tells her, and the thought saddens him.
She continues to smile because she is happy. She is so incredibly happy, and he knows he should be happy for her, but he has been too caught up in his happiness to realize the implications. "I am happy," she confides in him, something she hasn't told anyone in a long time. "And it's all because of Gabe. He is great, Ryan. You two should hang out. I think you could almost be friends."
Ryan does not say it, but he knows he can never be friends with the guy Marissa ends up with instead.
XXXXX
Aubrey is busy with work and Ryan is trying to find a way to please his wife but marriage is hard and their relationship is only growing harder. Aubrey works on a sales team and sometimes travels far away, across the country, sometimes across the world. He should be happy for her, she is happy, she is proud, but instead he only misses the woman he thought he would spend his life with.
He begins to hang out more with Seth and Summer, and that inevitably means spending time with Marissa. They start talking again, actually talking, and she tells him all about work. He tells her about buildings and explains his job to her, but she only nods along trying to understand, laughing when she can't. He likes talking to Marissa. He wonders why he has never realized this before.
At one of their weekly lunches, Marissa looks down and blushes as she tells him she is pregnant. His eyes widen and his mouth opens as he thinks of Marissa carrying this little person inside of her. He ignores the familiar pain in the center of his chest, and it takes everything inside of him to whisper, "Congratulations."
XXXXX
Aubrey's work takes a turn and suddenly she is home more. Ryan is happy, really happy, and tells her they should have a baby. She laughs at the idea. Aubrey is a career woman. A baby? A baby? Why on earth would she want that?
He realizes they have never talked about this. He never knew how much he wanted, no needs a baby, until he sees Marissa happily glowing and pregnant. Gabe is an attentive husband, buys Marissa everything, makes sure she takes all her vitamins and eats all the right foods. Marissa does not need Ryan to take care of her, and Ryan is not sure he even wants to anymore, but he realizes he has no one to take care of and that thought saddens him. Ryan is a caretaker. It is a long time since he has felt important.
He makes love to Aubrey and tries to convince her that having a child would be best, but she merely rolls her eyes and tells him to stop bringing it up. Maybe someday, she offers, turning away from him and resting her head on her pillow.
For Ryan, someday can't come soon enough.
XXXXX
Ryan gets the call that Marissa is in labor while he is on site in Chino. He has been working on a community center for the troubled youth of Chino and he is proud of his work. When he answers the call from Summer, he drops everything and drives back to Newport breaking just about every traffic law.
Marissa is in labor just over ten hours when she finally gives birth to a baby girl. After everyone else has met her, Ryan goes to meet Lily. Gabe had wanted to name her Autumn after his favorite season, but Marissa won with Lily, her favorite flower.
Ryan walks in and sees Gabe staring down at Marissa and Lily with so much love. He knocks gently on the door, feeling unsettled in this room with this family that is not his own and never will be. Marissa looks tired but he has never seen her happier, has never seen her lovelier than with her daughter in her arms.
Gabe grins at Ryan and pats his back before telling Marissa he is going to get some coffee. Ryan watches Gabe go before walking over to Marissa hesitantly, wondering if he should even be here. Marissa smiles at him, her eyes betraying her tiredness. "Hey."
"Hey," he whispers, looking at the blankets in her arm. He barely makes out a face. He cannot see distinct features.
"This is Lily Matthews," Marissa says, so much love and pride in her voice as she angles her daughter so Ryan can see her. He sees a small little nose and delicate cheeks and small little lips. There is a little person there in Marissa's arms, a little person she helped create. He cannot get over his awe. Marissa has a daughter.
"She's beautiful," he murmurs.
Marissa smiles, looking down at her little person. "I love her so much already. It's so weird, Ryan, the moment I heard her cries, the moment I held her…" She lifts her gaze to Ryan's. He feels awkward and sad and lonely all at the same time. He does not belong here in this hospital room with Marissa. She should be with her husband. He should be home with his wife. "Do you want to hold her?"
Marissa carefully hands the little girl to Ryan. She is warm and light in his arms, but solid and real. He looks down at her, amazed at the little eyelashes and fingers and toes. Slowly, she opens her eyes and stares at him with deep, alluring blue that reminds him of an August night so long ago. A blue that to this day reminds him of home.
And right then and there, Ryan falls in love.
XXXXX
Much to Aubrey's consternation, Ryan showers Lily with gifts. He buys her bears and clothes and books. He buys her pillows and posters and decorations. He gives her toys of all kind, toys she will never play with, toys he doesn't know the function of but must buy for her anyway.
Marissa and Gabe laugh about Ryan's gifts but accept them graciously. Gabe and Ryan hit it off for the first time since Marissa's wedding, and Ryan realizes that Gabe is the kind of guy Marissa always deserved. He is sweet and loving and attentive in away Ryan learned about too late. Gabe is an incredible father.
Late at night Ryan whispers to Aubrey that he wants a baby. He tries to hold her closer to him, but she has never been a cuddler and she has work in the morning and needs her sleep. Someday, someday, someday.
Until that day comes, Ryan would love Lily as his own.
XXXXX
The years pass and Lily grows older. She is a rebellious two year old, a bubbly three year old, a sophisticated four year old. She loves Ryan and he loves her. It is pure and innocent and he wonders if he will ever get to love a child of his own this much.
Marissa and Gabe are happy and Gabe has been healthy for so long that they even forget the word cancer exists. Gabe teaches Lily to ride a tricycle, and later a bike with training wheels. He takes her to the park and to the beach and lets her cover him with kisses and makeup and stickers. Marissa watches from the other room as Gabe teaches Lily to read and write and tells her that words are the most amazing gift anyone has ever given humans and if she learns how to use them she can create magic.
Ryan teaches Lily how to hit and kick and defend herself just in case. He sees so much strength in such a little girl and he takes pride in knowing she will never break, not with him and Marissa and Gabe and everyone looking out for her. He teaches her the different types of buildings and how to play and build with legos and buys her the most expensive, intricate sets. Marissa tells him to remember Lily is only four, but he ignores her and tells Lily she can do whatever she wants, build whatever she wants with her own two hands.
He has stopped asking Aubrey for a child. He has Lily, beautiful, sweet Lily, and he has a wife and friends and a job. Maybe he does not need anything else.
XXXXX
One day when Lily is five Ryan comes home from work early and finds Aubrey fucking her assistant in their bed. Once upon a time ago he may have yelled or screamed or fought but today he merely turns and walks away despite all of Aubrey's pleas.
XXXXX
Aubrey leaves him a week later. She tells him she fell in love on a trip to Cincinnati. Fucking Cincinnati. She has been sleeping with Marcus for a half a year and she is pregnant and they are going to get married and raise their child together.
After Aubrey takes all of her stuff the house is empty, Ryan is empty. He lays on the bed in the guest room where he hopes Aubrey never fucked Marcus and stares at the wall without answering the phone or door for days.
XXXXX
Sometime a few weeks later he realizes he is all alone, truly alone, no wife, no baby. On the day he is served the divorce papers he throws them on the kitchen table and thinks of punching a hole through the wall but doesn't because he is too empty to care.
He thinks of his dad who left when he was seven. He thinks of his mom who abandoned him in high school and only floats into his life once, maybe twice a year. He thinks of Lindsay and Theresa and Sadie, all the girls in high school he thought he could have a future with if they stuck around. He thinks of Aubrey and how she had whispered to him so many nights that she loved him and she needed him and she would never ever leave him.
Alone in the guest room he stares at the wall and wonders what it is that makes so many people leave. He wonders if he will ever be able to convince anyone to stay.
XXXXX
The divorce is finalized and Ryan loses half his assets and his house and a great deal of money. He had saved heavily, had worked diligently for many years and earned a reputation and a large salary but his banks accounts took a hit with Aubrey's greed and he let her.
Sandy, his lawyer, told him that they could fight this, but Ryan just didn't care anymore. Let her take what she wanted, she was entitled to half. She could have the house and the cars and the money. She had already taken his heart, and really what was anything else?
XXXXX
The Cohens had moved to Berkeley years before and tell Ryan to come live with them and get a change of scenery, but his job is in Newport and he does not feel like travelling anyway. Seth and Summer now live in LA where they own their own respective companies and tell him the same thing as the Cohens, but he does not like LA either. He decides to stay in a hotel until he finds his own apartment or house or something, but the days pass and he spends the majority of them staring at the ceiling thinking of all the people who have left and how he is never enough for anyone to stay.
One day there is a knock on his door, and then suddenly it's open and Lily is jumping on top of him and telling him all about her first week at school. He turns to her and listens, her bouncing light brown curls tickling his face. When she has finished her story about Tony who ate a crayon, he asks her what she's doing there with him anyway.
It is Marissa who has stood watching quietly from the corner who says, "We're bringing you home with us."
With Lily sitting there next to him and Marissa staring at him with that determined look on her face Ryan knows he has no choice, so he grabs his single bag that he still has yet to unpack.
XXXXX
The days continue to pass, one after the other, and the sadness returns every morning and does not end until he closes his eyes at night. He has stopped going to work, has taken an extended leave of absence, and he stays in his quiet room in Marissa's and Gabe's house thinking nonstop about all the things he had done wrong.
Marissa comes to him and makes him eat and walk and drink water. Gabe comes to him and keeps him updated on sports and celebrity gossip and global news. Seth sometimes visits and gives Ryan the newest comics and books to read which continue to build an unread pile on the floor. Summer comes and yells at him to stop moping around and tries the tough love approach that only makes him turn the other way.
It is only Lily with her happiness and innocence that is able to get him to leave the house and talk and actually start to love again.
XXXXX
They fall into a routine, Ryan and Lily, where he drops her off in the mornings and picks her up in the afternoons. He has started working again, but only while Lily is in school and when she is asleep at night. He tells Marissa and Gabe that he will start looking for an apartment soon but they tell him not to and he does not really want to anyway. He is too afraid of being alone to try.
After a few months he is able to begin calling around about apartments. He tells Lily he will probably be leaving soon and she cries and tells Marissa on him. Marissa tells Lily that Ryan is an adult and can decide what he wants to do, so Lily tells Gabe who tells Ryan that Lily always gets her way and he better stop fighting it and admit defeat.
Ryan does not want to invade on this little perfect family anymore. He loves Lily and he is afraid of not seeing her every day but he does not think he can live his life watching Marissa love someone else down the hall. Even he has limits on how much he can suffer.
He finds a place and is all ready to leave, bags packed and ready to go, when Gabe starts vomiting blood.
XXXXX
The cancer returns. It is terminal, stage four, no point in operation or treatment.
Gabe dies on a Tuesday morning. Ryan calls the morticians and takes care of getting the body out of the house while Marissa sobs in the other room. With Lily and the outside world she is strong and resilient, but it is only when Lily has gone to bed and all the visitors have left that she folds herself into Ryan's arms and sobs until she falls asleep.
The funeral is beautiful and Marissa sits with Lily's hand in her lap the entire time. Ryan says a few words. "Gabe is the kind of guy you become best friends with in a matter of hours. He's the kind of guy that picks you up when you're down and doesn't push you to walk on your own again until you're ready. He's the kind of guy that loves everyone he meets, even those who do not love him, especially them. He's the kind of guy that saves everyone around him without even realizing it just because that's who he is."
Ryan offers to move out, but Marissa is inconsolable at the idea of dealing with all of this on her own. He tells her he can stay – he will always stay – as long as she needs him to. He could not leave even if he wanted to.
XXXXX
They fall into a routine, Ryan once again the protector and the provider. Marissa continues working but sometimes she comes home early and cries when she thinks no one notices, but Ryan always does. Ryan makes sure Lily gets to school and gets fed and put to bed when Marissa cannot bring herself to do it herself. Ryan makes sure this little broken family is taken care of and soothed and fixed.
One day Ryan goes a full day without thinking about Aubrey, then a week, then two. Soon a month passes and he does not think of anything but Marissa and Lily and taking care of them. He thinks he was made for this, taking care of Marissa, providing for her. He thinks he was always supposed to care for her and her daughter.
Marissa does not realize it, but Ryan is falling in love with her all over again. He loves the way she smiles when watching Lily do homework, loves the way she always offers everyone else the last slice of pizza, loves the way she picks herself up every morning even though she feels herself falling apart. He loves the way she hums when cooking, the way her eyes brighten when he makes Lily laugh, loves the way she laughs a little too hard when watching old reruns of sitcoms.
He does not want to feel this way, cannot feel this way, but he does and it feels painful and wonderful all at once. He is watching her grieve over another man, a man that he actually misses, but all the same he is in love with her and falling harder and faster every single day.
He stops talking about moving out. She stops begging him to stay. Lily stops wondering where her dad has gone and if he is going to come back. Somehow this broken family, like a broken statue, is remolded and pieced back together into something different than before, something abstract, something new, but maybe even more beautiful.
XXXXX
Marissa begins to fall in love with Ryan again, or remember how she maybe was always a little in love with him. She sees the way he takes care of her daughter, strong and gentle and kind. She sees the way he takes care of himself, resilient and firm and imperturbable. She sees the way he takes care of her, quiet and soothing and soft.
She is conflicted, confused, overwhelmed with grief for her husband and love for her friend. She knows Gabe wanted her to move on, but not so quick, not so suddenly, not so ardently. She cannot be in love with Ryan Atwood and mourning Gabe Matthews. She cannot be in a state of despair and incredible light.
Ryan is once again her protector, her savior. He takes care of her and her precious girl as if it is his duty, his personal responsibility to ensure their well-being. He is there as a friend and a confidante and a rock. She is not a teenager anymore, is over thirty and is a widow and should not think about her friend this way.
Her mom tells her that she is going to Europe for the summer and that Marissa and Lily are invited. They will visit Paris and London and Rome. She can slowly heal in piazzas of Naples, see those who have also suffered in the ruins of Pompeii, maybe even find love in a café in the shadow of the Eiffel Tower. It will be a chance to get away from Newport, from home, from Ryan.
She tells Ryan and Lily her plans over dinner the next night. Lily is excited about a vacation. Ryan is quiet as she speaks, staring at his dinner. She thinks he is wondering what is to happen of him, and she tells him, "You can stay here while we're away or you could get your own place if you want. I don't want you to feel like we're kicking you out or forcing you to do anything." He merely nods, and does not speak the rest of dinner.
XXXXX
She is wrong. He is thinking about her. About life without her.
He finds her that night sitting out on her balcony. "I want a proper goodbye," he tells her, staring at her with eyes that remind her of hazy days of her youth when the entire world was in front of her and she thought if she just loved enough everything would fall into place. "A night – just the two of us." She does not say anything, confused by his implications, her thoughts muddled with her own feelings. "With everything, I guess… I just need a proper goodbye."
"I'm not leaving forever," she tells him, though she is not so sure.
"Just one night. A goodbye between friends," he tells her, looking down at the last word.
Marissa sees this is important to him. She realizes she needs this too, a goodbye. "I'll hire a babysitter."
XXXXX
Ryan wanders through old streets wondering if it's still there. It is, and it's vacant. He thinks it's a sign from the universe. He wonders if this was his future all along.
XXXXX
On Marissa's last night they go to dinner at an Italian restaurant that Ryan knows is her favorite. "Just think, soon you'll be eating real Italian food," he tells her, and she smiles though it doesn't reach her eyes because she is going to miss him and this and how simple it is between them now.
They walk along the beach and get balboa bars at the pier for dessert. They laugh about high school, reminisce about college. She asks him if he misses Aubrey and he tells her not anymore, not lately. He is afraid to ask if she misses Gabe. He already knows the answer. She says it in the sadness on her face.
When she thinks he's taking her home, he drives her out somewhere. "I actually have one last place to bring you tonight," he tells her mysteriously. Her curiosity is piqued.
They arrive at a house, one that seems familiar and yet different. He takes her thought the gate and leads her to the front. The house is empty, quiet, their footsteps casting echoes. She looks around and is hit with a million memories, of two nights when she said goodbye, the last one when she left him.
"How… why…" She tries to ask, but the words escape her as she looks around at a house that represents another lifetime entirely.
"I was in the neighborhood and saw a For Sale sign," Ryan says, his eyes on her, taking in her reaction. "I called to ask about it. The previous owners just left not too long ago. Guess they moved in a few months after you left for Greece and finally felt a change of scene was in order."
Marissa is overwhelmed with memories of another person entirely. She remembers a girl who loved a boy, a girl who hoped beyond all hopes that it wasn't over. A girl who still believed in the power of a happy ending. "I know it's silly, but that night I actually thought we could still end up together," she says, a sad, reminiscent, bittersweet smile on her face.
Ryan thinks of that night all those years ago. He thinks of all the years in between, these lapses of time, these gaps of space between them that have changed them and molded them into what they are now. But here they are, over ten years later, still standing across from each other. Marissa is the only person who ever left and came back. If she leaves again, if she leaves him again, he does not think he can stand it.
"Are you saying it's over?" He asks, his eyes finding hers. She smiles at the memory, and he returns it though not in the same way. "Cause it's not."
Her smile falls away and she tilts her head. "What?"
He takes a step closer to her. "When we were first here I was leaving and you were staying and I thought I was doing the right thing by making you leave. Then, years later, you left and I let you because it's what you wanted and it was probably best for you, even though I missed you every single day." He looks into her eyes, blue eyes that remind him of home, and he reaches for her hand. "And now you're trying to leave again, trying to leave me, and I won't let you."
"Ryan…" Marissa begins to protest, but he does not let her.
"I am tired of people leaving me, Marissa." She shuts her mouth and looks down because she knows it's true. "People always leave me, and I always let them because I'm too scared to fight." He lifts her chin so she is looking at him, sees that there are tears in her conflicted eyes. "But I'm going to do something I've never done before. I'm asking you to stay…with me. In this house. In Newport. Me, you, Lily…"
A tear escapes. "Here?"
He swallows, nodding slowly. "If you want. I can bid on the house tomorrow, or we could find someplace new, some place with less memories. We could move anywhere." He drops his hands, lets them rest at his sides. "Just…stay."
Marissa does not know what to say. She knows what she should say. She knows what her mother would tell her to say, what Summer would tell her to say, even what Gabe would tell her to say if he could pull her aside and tell her all the secrets of the world.
In the end, she says what she wants to say. "I love you."
And she kisses him in this house of memories, letting go of the past and welcoming the future, allowing herself to give in to these feelings because it's not over. It was never over. With them, there will always be a someday.