Title: Baby, Help Me Find My Way
Pairing: Adam Lambert/Tommy Joe Ratliff
Tags: Angst, Romance, Hurt/Comfort, Past Domestic Abuse, Past Mental Abuse, Past Physical Abuse, Light Dom/sub
Summary: Adam knew it had been his fault. His boyfriend (not Tommy) had told him many times, but it wasn't until it all came to a head at a local pub that things started to escalate, that he truly believed the lies as truth. When Adam runs off, it's up to Tommy to bring him back safely, because something is wrong and New York is not the city to get lost in. Adam Lambert/Tommy Joe Ratliff
About the Abuse: The mental abuse abuse is a major aspect of this story line and will be heavily described and depicted herein. And while the physical abuse is in the past and not graphically described, it still plays an important role in the story. If you are easily triggered, please use your own judgement if you wish to continue.
BETA: Pendrogon (AO3)
Baby, Help Me Find My Way
There were always days everything was felt normal; days where he believed nothing had ever gone wrong and he was still happy. Nothing but life and his music and the fans, the Glamberts to worry and love and care about. Just living life, simple as that.
And then there were the days where Adam knew everything had been his fault to begin with. That the entire world rested on his shoulders and if he messed up, it would mean the end (of his career, all the things he cared about). Right now, Adam wished more then anything that it wasn't true; that he hadn't just fucked up so badly that his life was going straight to hell. The moment the press had caught onto the words "bar", "drunken", and "fight" he'd known it then, that things were bad. His boyfriend, their fights afterwards, and finally...
Adam was currently in New York, had just finished a few interviews, photoshoots, one musical perforce with his band and a lunch date with Nile - a man he has worked with before on musical collaborations. Technically, Adam was free for the next week and had been slated to fly home the next day - they all had, but he couldn't. There wasn't anything waiting for him in LA at the moment, so he had decided to stay a few more days. Extended the hotel stay, using his own card, since he could afford it.
Late October in New York wasn't too bad during the day, but the nights were getting colder and showering rainstorms had been on the forecast on and off throughout the week. Despite knowing the possibility of heavy showers, despite the dark, black grey clouds sprinkling down on the sidewalk, Adam still couldn't find it in himself to care. He couldn't resist its call as he looked out of the hotel room window. Being cooped up inside his hotel room wasn't working, he needed to move, to do something other than sit and think about why everything came down to him. Why it had to be his problem, his fault, his to deal with alone.
He knew his band had flown back as scheduled - had seen them off, watched and even waited in the security line at the airport with them until they reached the guards with the metal detectors. Until he couldn't go any further, because of the increased security measures. Waved at them, shouted that he would be back soon, that he wanted a few days off, a few days to himself because he didn't get to visit New York that often. Didn't even notice that, as he walked away, Tommy had looked back, watched him leave. Watched as Adam's entire persona faded away when he thought his friends weren't looking.
Normal, routine. That felt familiar, almost comforting, because his band? They were more then that, they were his family - Glamily, actually. Yet he couldn't talk to them. Had downplayed the entire thing, because what the press didn't know was what happened at home. What happened after the bar, what changed...
That left him in the middle of Central Park, late evening, with the dim pinks and yellows from the sun about to dip below the surface of the Earth to make way for the eternal night. His hotel was nowhere near Central Park, didn't know how he had even gotten here, just that it was raining as hard as Adam had ever seen it and he was only wearing black jeans, a favorite pair of boots and his old Queen t-shirt. Forgot that the weather might turn nasty - or perhaps he left the jacket because of the weather.
They were alike, and Adam reveled in it. Reveled in the dark, deep depression that had settled over him days ago. Took comfort in the fact that the rain was crying for him, because of him, because he hadn't been able to even process what had happened. Couldn't face the truth about himself; a truth he had all but put behind him the moment he graduated from high school.
His hair was plastered to his head, wet and dripping; heavy rain having already soaked his clothes through to the bone. He was shivering, should be cold, but inside feeling so numb, Adam couldn't bring himself to feel bad about it. He deserved this, perhaps. All of it. If he managed to get sick, hypothermia, and no one found him, would he eventually die in this park? Would anybody care about some stranger they didn't know? While rational thoughts that "yes, he had many people in his life who did care, still do care," Adam couldn't bring himself to believe it.
Because everything was his fault now, had been leading up to it, he just couldn't see it. The bar just instigated what was already there. Months of denial leading to a truth he hated to face within himself.
"I'm sorry," Adam apologized again. "I was drunk, it was stupid, our fight. I was stupid. I shouldn't have done that to you."
"I know you are, honey," his boyfriend replied. "But that doesn't change what you did. To us, to me."
"I didn't mean it, not like that," Adam tried. "I had just blown the entire thing out of proportion."
"Then make it up to me." The words sent a chill down Adam's spine, because he had never heard his boyfriend talk like this.
"You said you loved me, Adam." There was a look to the man's eye that stopped Adam dead in his tracks. "What you did really hurt me, you know?"
Adam felt pain shoot through his right knee as he fell to the floor, a loud gasp slipping through his lips. He had started the fight at the bar, hurt the person he loved, felt the guilt over it because he had accidentally damaged his boyfriend in the worst place a TV/reality show star would know. His face, more than just a black eye, because Adam had been drunk, and after that, it was a blur, and the stories his friends told were all different, conflicting like they couldn't tell him the truth. Too afraid to admit it to anyone, tried to avoid rumors and public speculation. But there had been a table, and a fight, and Adam knew, he had started it.
So he cried, the pain coursing through his leg as it gave way - another injury from the night. His boyfriend said he was sorry, had forgotten Adam had been hurt when he had shoved him against the wall.
His boyfriend had to cancel his current gigs, his appearances because of a short hospital stay and a broken nose. Adam couldn't remember how the injury to his boyfriend had happened, doesn't remember anything but a few vague sensations and the conversations earlier in the night. Maybe he blocked them out, but his boyfriend recounted the events for him. Adam was scared, because he would never hit anyone, but he had and it really had started with some stupid argument blown out of proportion.
That's when it had started, because if it weren't for him, none of this would have ever happened. When it started becoming his fault, when he lost control - been so out of it, that his world had actually blacked out for a while.
So yeah, he deserved this rain, the feel of wet clothes draped across him like a second skin. So cold now that even his teeth were beginning to chatter but he couldn't bring himself to care. Nothing mattered anymore, not when he couldn't trust himself like this.
Even though a few weeks had passed since the incident at the bar, his knee still gave him trouble throughout the day. The doctors said he was lucky it wasn't more serious, but that he still needed professional physical therapy two to three times a week (currently down to once a week, with his busy schedule, though he did have a personal physical therapist with him for a while, just because he needed the sessions and couldn't make it into the clinic). Adam felt the familiar constant twinge in his knee now, because he should have taken his pain meds that afternoon, and probably needed some now because of all the walking he had been up to today. Hell, his knee was so numb and sore right now, it didn't so much hurt as give him a walking limp with a dull thrum of pain coursing through it, flaring up each time he took a step forward or stood still for too long. So when Adam had found himself falling, tripping over a rock along one the dirt trails he couldn't help but swear loudly as his reflexes felt too slow, too weak and his body slammed into the pathway, a loud yell echoing across the deserted park. Crickets chirping and the sound of distant cars and trunks were the only noises.
His face was bleeding, hands and knees scraped up, small bits of rocks and debris from the forest floor embedding themselves within his skin.
Didn't notice when his name was being called, over and over again until Adam felt a small pair of arms wrap around his body, holding him close. The sound of rain pounding against a large, black umbrella, yet Adam's first thought had been how glad he was to have foregone his makeup before his little foray into the rainy streets of the busy city. "Adam!" Tommy's voice pleaded, panic edging into its tone. "Adam, please, can you hear me? Look at me. Adam..."
He felt Tommy's hands brush the hair out of his eyes, felt that hand gently caress his face before he finally looked up into his eyes.
Tommy just shook his head sadly. "Oh, what have you done to yourself, Adam?"
Adam couldn't help it, started crying because this? This was Tommy, and he always had been open and honest with this man. Had also been deliberately avoiding the blonde the last few weeks as well, because while he could lie to the others - he couldn't lie to Tommy and yet, he couldn't admit the truth to him either. That he had lost control, been so out of control that he blacked out and woke up to find everything so fucked up, it had him lost and scared and feeling panic in a way he never had before.
There were many things Adam had done in which he knew Tommy wouldn't be proud of, wouldn't accept - but the worst thing Adam had done hurt almost as bad as all his guilt from earlier. He hadn't trusted Tommy enough to tell him what was going on, and that - that was something he didn't want to face, because he was afraid of how Tommy would react. Adam always trusted Tommy in ways that even his boyfriend hadn't experienced. Not that their relationship had been sexual, but the undercurrent was undeniable.
"Please hang on, Adam. Let's get you back to your hotel." Tommy voice pleaded with him once more. All Adam could really focus on we're the arms around him that refused to let him go, and the drops of water falling on his face that had nothing to do with the rain.
Tommy had known something was wrong weeks ago, back when Adam started to withdraw from him, start hiding things. Oh, he never lied to Tommy, but he was the absolute fucking master at avoiding shit and half the time, Tommy couldn't even get pissy with him, because fuck Adam for having actual legitimate reasons for the subject change. Not that Tommy would ever have gotten angry with Adam; play around, throw out sarcastic jokes and comments, laughing and having fun. Tommy loved to tease Adam, sometimes would scold Adam through playing and teasing - Adam could always, always tell when Tommy was serious, and when he wasn't.
Except things began to change after the "Throw-down at the Local Pub" - as one exceptionally crass, and sadly misinformed, titled article about Adam and his boyfriend's "fight" at a pub. Tommy hadn't gotten the full story, not exactly, but it sure as hell wasn't a "throw-down" like some wrestling match on TV. Even drunk, Adam wouldn't resort to that kind of thing and definitely not against his friends or lovers. Which made Tommy even more curious and worried when he found out later, since the fucker had failed to inform his closest friends, of the fact that he had been injured in the pub "incident" as well. The only way he had found out was quite by accident. Since they live in the same city, Tommy just so happened to be visiting a small, out of the way music store that just so happened to be right next door to a really prestigious physical therapy clinic. And Tommy just so happened to be right near the front display window (drooling over a really expensive guitar, because this shop had epic rare stuff you couldn't find anywhere else) so of course he recognized Adam Lambert. It was like a second sense by now. He knew what (most of) Adam's closet looked like, knew the kinds of fashions he would wear while out shopping or trying to lay low. It also probably helped that Adam had also passed right in front of the music shop while talking on his phone. Tommy had no idea what the conversation had been about, but that voice, that fucking voice Tommy would recognize anywhere.
So Tommy figured he had at least thirty minutes of shopping time before he could ambush Adam outside the clinic. Yeah, Adam had been surprised to see Tommy (not so much after Adam realized he was standing next to said music store) and vaguely alluded to having hurt his knee during the "incident". Even went into detail about it, which Tommy was pleased with, as Adam seemed to realize he had nothing to fear by telling others about his injury (it wasn't a weakness, just an injury, after all).
What surprised Tommy that day wasn't the injury or accidentally running into Adam, it was Adam's eyes. While he didn't have time to get a good glimpse of them properly, he could have sworn both of Adam's eyes were a blue-grey color. Which wasn't right, because Tommy also knew that Adam was special; Adam had "two sides" to his personality that manifested in his eye color. "Normal" Adam was balanced between his "dark" side (golden eyes) and his "light" side (blue-grey eyes). Two of the same color meant something was either wrong, or Adam was in a sort of high-emotional state.
He knew Adam wore contacts; even had them specially designed to be that blue-grey color unique to Adam, the color that somehow slide between various shades of blue and grey depending on the lighting, the makeup, time of day (and sometimes at will, Tommy noted). It may have been a little obsessive-compulsive on his part, with his needing to know everything about Adam (the man was awesome in every way, you know) but Tommy didn't particularly care what label he gave it, because labels sucked anyways and his thing with Adam? He just let it evolve naturally, to wherever it would take him.
And so far, it meant that he saw Adam with two pure light grey eyes, no contacts.
To say that that started Tommy's quest to find out just what was wrong without digging beyond what Adam would tell him also sucked, because that meant just watching and waiting for Adam to come to him, to tell him what's wrong since it seemed all of Tommy's inquires were getting rebuffed. He could have asked the others in the band, or Adam's friends, but for some reason, this felt personal. Like it was something between him and Adam, that to believe or act otherwise would somehow be a betrayal of trust.
Which lead to Tommy somehow literally end up as Adam's "stalker" the day the band had been scheduled to fly back to LA. Normally he wouldn't quite invade Adam's privacy like that but something felt wrong. Felt really, really wrong and off and Tommy couldn't explain why, just knew that something really bad would happen if he didn't do this now. It was one of the worst feelings he had ever experienced, and as Tommy would find out a few hours later, a feeling he hated knowing was spot on.
It took at least five to six hours to track Adam down, and it really was only possible because everywhere he went, the staff or patrons would know Adam, know he stayed with his band that week, so a band-member asking where their boss was didn't even give them pause. The problem was, Adam had disappeared like a rabbit down a fucking rabbit hole. A hole connected to a motherfucking tunnel system. It wasn't like Adam had actually taken the subway, but Tommy didn't actually have the money for a cab or access to a rental car, so subway it was (for him, anyways). Six hours, Adam had been all over New York, but Tommy finally tracked the fucker down to Central Park. An amazing feat in and of itself, considering how big New York actually is.
Of course, that was before Tommy had taken one look at the park and remembered, yeah, it was Central Park. Huge fucking span of forest in the middle of a city. Not what Tommy needed. In fact, he was beginning to wonder why he hadn't just parked his ass in front of Adam's hotel room for the last few hours, because he was probably going to turn into a pathetic, drowned cat in the pouring rain.
Going out in that had been the dumbest move Tommy has ever done. He's just glad that umbrellas are really, really easy find because no way in hell was he walking out in that in a flimsy poncho or rain coat. A light rain? Sure, probably. But this called for more protection then a simple raincoat, even if he had bought a jacket too, because his current one would have been a soon-to-be-waterlogged fleece-lined hoodie. Warm, but not much good against the water-based elements.
It was the scream that first alerted Tommy to Adam's location. While Tommy had ended right back up at Adam's hotel, intending to wait all fucking night for the man to come back to his room if he had too, it was one of the cleaning staff from earlier that morning which recognized Tommy, mentioned something about how Adam had talked to her briefly about New York, the sights to see, and that he might visit Central Park later that evening, because he wanted to see what it looked like at night.
Sheer. Dumb. Luck that he found Adam at all. Really, shit like this never happened in real life (not that he was going to start questioning it now).
The scream that echoed though the park hurt to listen to, because he hated seeing Adam in pain and with this cold, bitter wind pelting the rain to sharp points along the ground, Tommy didn't hesitate. His legs were running before Tommy could even think about where he was going, had found Adam lying near-motionless in the middle of the pathway. Felt his body crash straight to the ground as he managed to pull Adam into his arms and somehow fidget with the umbrella so it still covered them both.
Because this wasn't the Adam he knew. Even through Adam's waterlogged hair dripping down his face, Tommy could tell the man before him way crying. Two bright blue eyes looking him over briefly, before curling up into Tommy's arms. Something inside Tommy just broke, made him want to cry as well, although he didn't dare. From the look Adam had just given him, Tommy now thinks his end ever wasn't entirely successful. He had to be strong now, because things were starting to make a little more sense in his mind with what was going on with Adam.
There were really only two emotional states which would allow Adam's eyes to be his pure natural blue-grey color: a positive, emotional high (such as extreme happiness or a pleasurable contentedness) and, the one Tommy feared most - that Adam had pushed his darker side (with those addicting gold eyes) so far inside his mind it now lie dormant, inaccessible, leaving Adam's entire personality out-of-balance and vulnerable, broken down. His blue eyes weren't born of dominance, but unless the side with the gold eyes disappeared completely... This change had to have been born from some sort of extreme duress and unadulterated panic and pain. The cause, Tommy suspected, being an asshole ex-boyfriend (because if he was the direct cause of Adam's distress, then Tommy would be having words with the motherfucker). Tommy would do it in Adam's place, because Adam can't defend himself right now, anyone could see that.
For all of Adam's confidence, he had an equal number of insecurities he dealt with every day. Most of the time, he handled them no problem, but something must have handed him a metaphorical slap in the face, put him in his place. Tommy was one of the few Adam had opened up to over the years, knew that as a child, Adam suffered from an almost debilitating set of self-esteem and body issues, in addition to bullying probably caused, in part, by his unique, headstrong personality that made him stand out among the crowd. The part of Adam that took the attention from the room unto him without even having to think about it, an invitation for jealously if Tommy had ever seen one.
Tommy held Adam's body in his arms, tightly against his chest and simply couldn't get enough. Didn't want to ever let go again if this is what would happen, if this was how Adam would be treated when he gave his heart away to the wrong person. He found himself wanting in a way he hadn't realized, because their relationship was so very close already, he just didn't think about it. Didn't think about taking it to the next level, but he wanted to now that the idea had been placed in his head.
"Adam, come back to me, Adam..."
"It's okay, Adam." Tommy's soothing voice washed over him, and he couldn't help but give in, release the tension in his body just that little bit more. Adam realized he was being tucked under multiple layers of blankets and two sets of comforters (one of which was probably the spare tucked away in the closet).
"I stripped you, just so you know," Tommy continued. "Helped draw you a hot bath to bring your body temperature back up."
Adam didn't remember any of that, just a vague, slightly queasy feeling in a semi-consciousness state. Time seemed to just jump around, because one minute Tommy was stripping his own shirt off, then the next he was sliding into Adam's bed naked. He must have said something, though, because Tommy responded to him anyways.
"It's to make sure you'll be okay throughout the night," Tommy stated simply. "Brought you straight back to your hotel room. Figured you didn't want more attention then necessary right now."
He gave a gentle nod in response, before he felt the huff of Tommy's breath on the back of his neck. "If you're still so bad off in the morning, it's the hospital."
Adam didn't argue, and Tommy didn't say anything more, just stroked his hair until he fell asleep.
It wasn't until two days later that the conversation finally came up. They didn't go the hospital after all, but Tommy did buy some over the counter medication and generally made sure Adam would be okay. No way was he leaving now, because Adam's eyes still hadn't changed back to his normal gold-blue combination. A few hours of one solid color didn't worry Tommy, because everyone experiences an emotional high and can ride it for hours, never wanting to come down, but it's been days, probably even longer if Tommy's hunch was right.
The way Adam avoided talking to him should have pissed him off, but it didn't, because it wasn't the type of thing you get angry at; it's the type of thing he needed to coax out of Adam gently, slowly. Because those blue eyes meant Adam is sensitive to all kinds of anger, specifically when it comes from those he cares about most.
But Adam looked on the verge of crying again, and it just hurt Tommy so bad that he had no idea what to do anymore. Dominance was not Tommy's thing, and he couldn't be that for Adam, couldn't just take charge the way the other man can. Tommy wasn't good at being able to demand answers in a way that compels a person to answer of their own free will, give them comfort and a safe place to hide. No, when Tommy does it, he just sounds pissy and kinda spazzy (and feels a bit stupid even trying) and he doesn't really understand how, so he just avoids that tactic altogether.
Instead, he waited for Adam's cue, waited for the man to tell him, show him what he needed Tommy to be. It didn't take long for Adam to reach out his hand, needing Tommy, beckoning him to his arms because even when Adam is at his self-deprecating worst, he's still Adam. The toppiest Dominate fucker Tommy had ever met. Ever. It also means that perhaps Adam's darker side wasn't buried as deep as Tommy once thought it to be.
When Tommy felt Adam's arms wrap around him, when he felt Adam crying into his shoulder, he felt lost again, but follows Adam's lead and habitually ran his hands up and down Adam's back in that universal comforting motion that feels more instinctive then learned.
Adam didn't say anything, but Tommy thought he was putting things together very well on his own. Adam and his boyfriend had tension between them, but seemed happy, and everything was relativity normal for Adam, until the bar incident. Adam couldn't seem to remember what happened, which either meant one of two things: his darker side took over and fucked everything up, like Adam believed, or something happened to Adam that night that made him black out. The way Adam carries his guilt, Tommy believed it could be either option, but Adam's boyfriend had moved out - they had broken up about two weeks later, maybe even a bit before.
"It's all my fault, Tommy Joe." And the thing Tommy absolutely hated about this entire fiasco, is that Adam truly believed what he was saying. "His injuries, he didn't deserve them, he was right, Tommy, he was right all along. I'm just so sorry..."
Something in that last statement made Tommy's hands stop dead in their tracks, because while Adam's voice was muffled, quietly being spoken into one of Tommy's t-shirts he threw on just so he wasn't half naked, he still caught it. "He was right all along."
And wasn't that just bullshit if he heard any? Because an honest to god accident is still an accident (given, there is a bit of a grey area when it comes to when someone has been drinking) but Tommy already knows this isn't going anywhere good.
So Tommy aimed for a calm nonchalance, hoping it would get Adam to open up to him. "What was he right about?"
Adam responded by shaking his head, taking deep breaths as tried to slow down both his breathing and his frantic crying. When he tried to pull away, Tommy let him. This was Adam's show, and he would call the shots on how it was to go down, despite how antsy this made him. Despite how much Tommy just wanted to sit there and literally shake the answers out of Adam.
Tommy only watched sadly as Adam turned his body, moving to sit on the edge of the bed. Could only watch as he pulled a pillow into his lap for something else to focus on; at least he wasn't crying anymore. Adam still didn't immediately respond, so Tommy scooted over next to Adam, watching the man closely. When nothing was forthcoming, he decided something more drastic was in order. Something he would never even consider with anyone else, but this was Adam, his Adam and Adam would always take care of him. Just like Tommy would always be there to take care of Adam, too.
Slowly, carefully, Tommy slid to the floor, hitting his knees. He knelt in front of Adam, leaned his head against Adam's thigh. He made sure his movements were precise, slow, intentional so Adam would have enough time to move away. He didn't want to appear threatening, because that kind of behavior was, most likely, how this mess had started in the first place.
It didn't take Adam long to cave in, to start speaking again. All Tommy had to do was kneel quietly at Adam's feet, let Adam know he was in control because that's also what was taken from him. Control. It didn't matter how, and frankly, while curious, Tommy also didn't care if he ever knew the specifics. All that mattered was that his Adam was back to being the Adam everyone knew and loved.
The other thing Tommy hadn't mentioned to Adam was that he had seen the myriad of bruises covering Adam's body. Given, most of them were old and fading, but some still looked dangerously purple and molting, sickly. Judging from what Adam had told him about his injury, and the fact that, yeah, those bruises were definitely not from running into things or a self-inflected accident, it wasn't a far stretch to say that Adam's relationship with his boyfriend had not been a healthy one.
And if Adam didn't start talking soon, he would, because he can't keep secrets from Adam. He knew, and he thought he kinda figured out what went on because he knew Adam so well. It wasn't fair if Adam was going through all this pain only to discover that Tommy had known all along (or guessed correctly, whatever).
"I saw them, Adam," Tommy spoke hesitantly. He places his hand near the center of Adam's chest where that huge, fucking purple bruise was hidden by Adam's shirt. And Tommy really, really isn't sure he should even be suggesting this, but he tries to ask Adam anyways.
"D-Did he..." Tommy couldn't make himself finish that line of questioning, but it turns out he doesn't have to because a fresh set of tears fell down Adam's face.
Eventually, Adam looked down at Tommy for the first time that day. "I... I don't deserve to be cared for. Not like this..."
Tommy was also beginning to get what Adam didn't say. He waited, though, because he thought Adam was finally going to talk to him.
"God, I'm so pathetic," Adam covered his face with his hands, which Tommy immediately covered with his own, his body responding on pure instinct. "He was right, god he had been right since the beginning, Tommy Joe. I just... I just haven't believed it until..." Tommy took Adam's hands in his, pulling them gently away from his face, only to touch his forehead softly against Adam's. It made Adam smile a bit, but still sad and sorrowful even though the tears seemed to ease up.
"No matter how much make-up I use," Adam's voice was shaky, like he's telling Tommy a secret he wasn't sure the other will believe. "No matter what I look like now, I'll always be ugly, Tommy. Inside and out, I'm not beautiful, just... worthless, Tommy . God, I'm nothing but a monst-"
He interrupted Adam with a quick kiss, because he really, really couldn't take it anymore. How long had that fucker been playing mind-games with Adam for Adam to actually believe that? Tommy could feel tears starting to well up in his eyes too, and he just couldn't deal with that right now. He didn't know why, but he couldn't cry too. "I love you, Adam Lambert."
Adam had closed his eyes, but he wasn't denying it, because what Tommy had really expressed was, "You're the most fucking gorgeous creature on this Earth, Adam Lambert, and I will always love you."
Tommy didn't need to have said it out loud, because Adam knew, (he always seemed to know what Tommy was saying, they just 'fit' like that) but Tommy also thought Adam needed to hear it. So he did and Adam just took Tommy in his arms again, pulled the blonde up against his body, holding on for dear life. Like if Adam let go for even a second, Tommy might just slip away from him.
"Promise you won't ever leave me, baby. Please..." Adam was begging Tommy, which, while flattering, didn't sit right with him; not like this, not under these circumstances. Because Tommy would never leave Adam, ever. Even if they were to remain in a platonic relationship for the rest of their lives, Tommy would still never leave Adam's side. "I'm yours, Adam." Now, it was Tommy's turn to beg, and he was hoping that Adam would take it for what it means. A declaration of intent. "I want to belong to you, and only you, Adam Lambert. Please take me."
Tommy slid down a bit to nuzzle against Adam's chest, not sure what answer he was going to get. Adam didn't say much at first, but this time it was Adam who's running little soothing motions up and down Tommy's back.
Somehow, Tommy ended up kneeling on the floor again, his head rubbing against Adam's knee; if he were a cat, he knew he would be purring right about now.
"Are you sure..." Adam wasn't sure how to phrase it, so he ended up petting Tommy's hair with his other hand instead. It's a stalling tactic, but that was fine with Tommy. There was never any reason to rush things like this.
When Adam had found his voice, it sounded a little bit more confident, but Tommy could still sense all of Adam's insecurities filtered through that sweet, addictive voice. "Are you sure you want... me? All of me? Despite how- How ugly I am? Damaged?"
He knew Adam wasn't just talking about physical beauty when he said the word 'ugly' and Tommy let it slide, because he has already accepted Adam for who he is, good and bad, wanted it all. Can't seem to get enough of the things Adam gives to him.
Tommy still wanted to yell at Adam that he was none of those things, and if Adam could see himself the way Tommy saw him? Yeah. But even people as amazing as Adam Lambert can have securities, and Tommy saw just how human he really is in that moment. "I love you, Adam Lambert," Tommy said, as he leans into Adam's touch.
There was a hand under his chin, tilting his head up so he could look Adam in the eyes. "I'm not perfect, baby. If you hadn't found me, I might have... let myself go."
And didn't that thought scare the hell out of Tommy? But Tommy didn't give in, because he' had accepted his feelings for Adam now and refused to run away just because things are kinda fucked up.
"I've seen your heart," Tommy said softly, intimate in a way that's just for Adam. "I trust you. With my body and my heart, you will always have all of me."
"Oh baby," Adam's voice was breaking again, but not as bad as before. "I'm so broken right now, I'm a mess. How can you love me like this?"
"Because I have a feeling you did nothing wrong." And Tommy was even more sure of it now. Adam could blame it on his dark side if he wants, but Tommy wanted to prove to him that even the Adam with gold eyes could never, ever hurt a lover (or a friend). No way, because while that side of Adam did have a temper, and could go to a dark place that sometimes becomes a twisted, downward spiral it was still the same Adam at heart. That would never change.
"I think you've been abused." Tommy had to say it; since Adam didn't respond, he thought Adam might have known all along, but just couldn't admit it to himself. Admitting that you've been abused, that's one thing - but to really, really acknowledge that you might have let it happen? Which isn't particularly true, but to the victim - it certainly might look that way.
"I feel so dirty," Adam said, "Like a used puppet on strings. What... What did I do wrong?"
"Nothing, Adam." That's all Tommy could say, because unless Adam believed that, he wouldn't believe anything else Tommy had the say on the subject.
"Even with all..." Adam waved his hand in a small, circular motion before petting Tommy's hair again. "Will you really give yourself over to me, baby? Help me to find my control again?"
All the petting Adam had been doing had started to get to Tommy, lulled him into a trance-like state without him even realizing it. "You've always had me. We'll get through this together, we will."
"I love you, Tommy Joe. I've always loved you."
And when Tommy caught the faintest hint of gold coloring Adam's right eye? Yeah, he had feeling that they would be just fine.