"Hello!!" cheers Ainsley Harriot, "and welcome to a special Silent Hill themed episode of Ready Steady Cook!"
At this point the audience would normally clap, but no. This particular audience contained creatures of the sort as armless faceless beings who like to spray acid from big wholes in their chests, and other creatures which had legs for legs, and legs for a torso. There were however other people in this audience, James Sunderland and since he started believing in polygamy he now had 2 wives who were now with him, Mary and Maria, there was also Henry Townsend with his chain-swinging pal Eileen, and insane homicidal maniac Walter Sullivan.
All odd creatures and homicidal maniacs, were strapped to their seat with big rusty chains.
"Our guests today are at each other's necks trying to win a victory over the other, at the moment they are in the middle of a huge debate as to which of them does little girl Cheryl, belongs too," Ainsley had a huge cheesy grin on his face as normal, but his eyes held a glimmer of fear as he stared out into his audience. James, his wives, Henry and Eileen were clapping him on eagerly as if there was nothing to be afraid of.
"So lets meet the first team!" Ainsley announced, "Harry and Cheryl Mason!!"
A man holding a little girls hand marched out from backstage and stood behind the red tomatoes kitchen workspace. Henry had neatly cut short brown hair and Cheryl had short black hair and looked about seven years old.
"Helloooo," sang Ainsley, shaking Harry's hand and kissing little Cheryl's hand, "So what have you brought with you today."
(If you're unfamiliar with Ready Steady Cook, I'll explain. The teams, Red Tomatoes and Green Peppers, usually compile of someone from the public and an expert chef, as you can see I've changed it slightly, but basically, each team brings a bag of their own ingredients and the expert chef makes up on the spot something they will make from these ingredients, again I've change it slightly, these lot have planned what to make before they come on the show. But yeah, each team then gets 20 minutes to cook their meals, and then the audience votes on who did best cooking wise.)
Harry tipped over the plastic bag onto the worksurface.
"I see, so we have some fillet steak here, some mushrooms, tomatoes, ooo some cooking chocolate and raspberries, some onions and a pack of digestive biscuits!" Ainsley lists, looking through the ingredients in their glossy shiny packets and perfect form, "What are you going to make with these wonderful ingredients?"
Harry took a deep breath and then said, "Well, I'm going to make a medium rare steak, accompanied with grilled mushrooms and onions and tomato salad, and Cheryl here, is going to melt this chocolate and put in on the digestives with a raspberry each and put them in the fridge to set."
"Absolutely gorgeous sounding," Ainsley mumbles dreamily, "Now lets meet our second team, its Dahlia and Alessa Gillespie!"
A scruffy woman stomped out from backstage her messy hair streaming out behind her, she dragged with her an equally messy looking daughter who could have been the twin to Cheryl, only she had a fair few bandages covering her limp feeble little body.
Harry stared at the girl as if she was alien, she usually had a lot more bandages on than this, so a lot of her scars were on show to the world.
"Her burns have finally started to stop bleeding," snarled Dahlia in a very cat like voice when she saw Harry's stare.
Harry nodded precariously and put his arm around Cheryl.
"And what have you brought for us today my lovely?" Ainsley questioned, he ignored what had just been said.
Dahlia violently tipped the bag over onto the worktop.
Ainsley stared, flabbergasted as to what had landed onto his precious Green Peppers worksurface. It looked like a pile of sticks and dirt, which hid a number of little things underneath.
"And…" he said, stuttering slightly, "what are you going to make with this?"
"Well, it was foretold by Gyromancy that I should create a dirt and stick stew accompanied with grilled flauros," Dahlia raised the little usueless pyramid shaped flauros, "and little Alessa here will create a chocolate mud mountain, dusted with white claudia."
Ainsley didn't say a thing. Instead he moved his attention to the audience.
"Okay, erm can we have twenty minutes on the clock please?" he said warily, "lets, Ready, Steady, AAAAAH!!"
His scream was due to an impossibly large sword being shoved through his chest.
Pyramid head then walked onscreen, ten minutes after his sword and finished the sentence in a low growly voice, and his thumbs up with,
"Cook!"