Hush
Author's ramblings: So, hi. Again. It's fun, actually being active on this site after so long. C:
Not that anyone really reads my crap, except for a couple of people, but still! It's fun, being able to write and post! You guys would be amazed how much I have written and stored away, due to the fact that I wasn't ever able to post. But now that I can, I have so much crap to post. So, binge posting, readysetgo!
So, many of you don't know me at all, and therefore have absolutely no idea what my Kingdom Hearts OTPs are (and some of you probably don't care, but, bluh to you), so, let me just tell you.
Zemyx, SoRiku, and AkuDem.
Yeah, I've got a serious sweet tooth for some nice AkuDem. Which is why this was written. =w=
Sorry if you don't like this pairing. Guess you'll just have to get over it, hm? C:
Warnings: angst, boy lovin', cussing, lyrics from one of my favorite songs, and failed attempts of humor at the end.
Disclaimer: if I owned this video game series, then Dream Drop Distance would be coming out a heck of a lot sooner.
~o~
This is as quiet as it gets.
Hush down, now.
Go to sleep.
We were once perfect, me and you.
We'll never leave this room.
-
Demyx is only vaguely aware of the scent of smoke as his groggy brain whirs back into life. He has no idea where he is and his head hurts, hurts too much to open his eyes. So he leaves them closed. But that smell, it's really familiar. He just can't quite place it right now.
"How is he?" That voice sounds familiar to Demyx, too. But his head hurts too freaking much to think. God, what on earth happened, anyway?
"He hasn't woken up since last night. Passed out at the bar, and just kind of stayed that way."
The bar. Oh. Oh. Now he remembers. (But, god, he really wants to forget.)
Zexion.
The break up.
Getting piss-faced smashed.
Axel coming to pick him up from the bar.
Axel.
That smell, that's Axel's smell. Demyx stirs, opens his eyes, blinks, and groans. God, it's so freaking bright. He sits up a little to look at his surroundings. Papers spread all over the place, pictures of himself and Axel on the walls and ceiling, clothes all over the floor - Axel's room, and he's on Axel's bed.
He can hear people talking again, the voices drifting into the room from the hallway just outside of the door.
"What the hell did Zexion do, anyway?
That's Roxas' voice, Demyx realizes.
"Dunno. Dem didn't say much about it. I mean, when I got to the bar, he was already drunk off his ass. And I only even found out he was there from Xigbar. Said he found him there, tongue shoved down some random guy's throat. Xig had to freaking pry 'em off the dude, apparently."
Demyx kind of remembers that. The guy had looked a lot like...Zexion. Zexion. Zexion. And just like that, all the pain floods back into him. All of the memories. All of the things he's going to have to deal with for the rest of his life. All of the lies.
"That's not...like Demyx." He can kind of hear the confusion in Roxas' voice. "Zex must have really fucked him up.
There's a pause before Axel speaks again.
"I think I'm gonna go check on Dem."
"Alright."
A few seconds later, the door to Axel's room opens, and there he is. He looks tired, like he's been up all night. And he probably has been, worrying about Demyx. When he sees that the blonde is awake, he smiles a little.
"Hey, Dem. You feelin' alright?" The blonde sits up more, and feels dizzy. The room spins for a second, and he's afraid that he might have to lie down again, but it passes. He nods.
"Yeah, just have a..really terrible hangover." He says, and the redhead laughs.
"I'm glad that's the only damage." Demyx smiles, too, and shoves the black blankets of Axel's bed off of himself, swinging his legs over the edge of the bed. "I'll go get you a glass of water. Hold on." Then Axel is gone, and Demyx is alone. The smile vanishes.
Hush,
You color my eyes red.
Your love's not live,
It's dead.
This letter's written itself inside out again.
When rivers turn to roads
And lovers become trends.
Hush.
This is where it ends.
-
He bends over, props his elbows on his knees, and cradles his throbbing head in his hands. The point of going out last night had been to forget, to get rid of the pain. But now he's here, and all he can do is remember.
He should have known. He should have realized. All of those nights that he'd stayed out late, not getting home until midnight, smelling like someone else. Someone that wasn't his lover. He should have known. And maybe he had, but he'd just been too stupid to admit it, too stupid to want to believe. But in the end, he'd just made himself look stupid when the truth finally came out.
"It's not you. It never has been."
His hands grip at his hair, teeth clinching.
"You're...not...no...who?"
So stupid. So, so stupid.
"Marluxia."
No, no, no. He can't take this. He stands up, he walks out of Axel's room in a hurry, down the hall, passing the redhead as he goes.
"Demyx?" He calls, but the blonde isn't listening, it doesn't even register. He passes Roxas, the other blonde getting up from the couch.
"Demyx, what are you doing?" He asks, but Demyx isn't listening, doesn't care, he has to get out. He yanks the door to Axel's apartment open, steps out, hears the unified cry of his name from his friends that are still in the apartment, but he's gone before they even get to the door.
~o~
Forgetting is a tricky business, Demyx soon discovers. Getting drunk and going home with a new stranger every night helps, but doesn't make him forget. He can still feel Zexion's touch, still feel his kiss, still hear his words. It has to stop. Or Demyx is going to go crazy.
It's been several weeks since he's seen Axel. The redhead calls everyday, but Demyx just ignores him. Being with Axel, talking to Axel, will just remind him of all the time that he spent at the other's house with Zexion. Roxas has tried getting in touch, too, but Demyx wants nothing to do with him. With either of them.
The shot sitting on the bar table in front of him remains untouched. It's his fifth one. Or maybe his sixth. He's lost count. He lifts it, presses it to his lips, and knocks it back. It feels hot sliding down his throat, and even hotter as it settles into the pit of his stomach. He doesn't taste it, though. He's had too many to taste anything now, save for the burning on his tongue.
"Hey, baby, you lookin' for a good time tonight?" He looks up, sees the fuzzy outline of a burley looking guy, and guesses that if he wasn't drunk, the guy might just be attractive.
"What if I am? Gonna take me home?" He slurs, smirking drunkenly. He faintly hears the man chuckle.
"Maybe."
Minutes later, Demyx is like putty in the man's hands, giggling and all over him with no shame. They barely make it to the guy's car before Demyx has the man's dick in his mouth, and is working him to a quick completion. They get in the backseat of his car, they fuck, and it's dry, it's quick, Demyx is going to feel so sore in the morning, but he doesn't care. It's just another step closer to forgetting.
~o~
This is the calming before the storm.
This absolution is always incomplete.
It's always bittersweet.
-
He's at the grocery store when he sees them together for the very first time. They're holding hands, and Demyx drops the bag of apples he'd been holding. He stares. His heart stops beating. He wants to kill them. Both of them. They look happy. He's smiling, and laughing, and that smile was only meant to be for Demyx to see. But now he was seeing it. They shouldn't be able to look happy, not while Demyx has to deal with this cold, empty feeling. It shouldn't work like that.
He turns his head, looks around a bit - and he catches Demyx' eye. His own go wide, his mouth falls open, and Demyx can see his name being silently formed by those lips.
Demyx drop his gaze to the apples at his feet. Tears are blurring his vision. He can't take this. He turns, he leaves the store in a hurry, he all but runs to his car. He climbs in, slumps over the steering wheel, and he breaks down.
He has to forget.
~o~
That night, he goes home with three different people.
But he can still perfectly see Zexion and Marluxia holding hands in his head.
~o~
Hush.
You color my eyes red.
Your love's not live,
It's dead.
This letter's written itself inside out again.
When rivers turn to roads
And lovers become trends.
Hush.
This is where it ends.
-
He's not sure how many days, weeks, months pass before he sees Axel again. They run into each other by accident, and the redhead looks awful. He probably looks bad enough to rival Demyx. Demyx wants to turn, to run before Axel notices him, but it's too late. His acidic green eyes go wide when he catches sight of the blonde on the sidewalk, one evening, and Demyx is being engulfed in a bone crushing hug before he even gets the chance to say anything.
"Thank god you're okay." Axel breathes beside his ear.
(But he isn't okay. He's not. He won't be okay until he's forgotten.)
He pulls away, holds Demyx out at arm's length, and looks him up and down. "Jesus, look at you, Dem. You're a mess." He smiles, but it doesn't reach his eyes. There's no happiness in it. You're one to talk, Demyx thinks. But he doesn't say anything. He just sort of half smiles back, and lets himself be pulled into another hug. It's softer, more gentle, more loving, like Axel is afraid that if he squeezes too hard, he might break his friend. And maybe that's true.
They move out of the middle of the sidewalk, Axel offers to take Demyx out to eat, and the blonde quickly accepts. He can't remember the last time he's eaten. Most of his diet consists of alcohol now, with the ocassional piece of toast in the morning when he wakes up.
They eat lunch, they talk for a while, about Axel, about his job, but they shy around the topic of how Demyx is doing. He kind of suspects that Axel knows what he's been up to, knows about how he's dealing with things. Throughout the time they spend together, Demyx sees that the redhead looks slightly better. More alive. And by the time they're through, he can smile and laugh and look entirely natural, and not like he's forcing and faking. They lose track of the time.
They head back to Axel's place, they play video games, they watch a couple of movies, and they pass out on Axel's couch just before the clock hits midnight.
And not once does Zexion even cross Demyx' mind.
~o~
The next day, Demyx wakes up to the smell of something delicious. He opens his eyes and is greeted by the ceiling of Axel's bedroom (he knows it's Axel's because of all the pictures), and he can strangely remember everything from the previous day. It's odd. He isn't sure whether or not he likes it.
The door to the room opens suddenly, and in walks Axel with a tray of food. Demyx blinks.
"Breakfast in bed." The redhead says with a smile, setting the tray across Demyx' lap as the blonde sits up. "Figured that you might enjoy this."
Demyx looks at the food; eggs, bacon, toast, a glass of orange juice. It looks really good. And, again, Demyx cannot even remember the last time he's eaten a real breakfast. He looks back up at Axel, and the redhead is grinning like a madman. And he looks sincerely happy. Like he's kind of glad that Demyx is in his bed.
Demyx can't help but smile in return, lifting the fork on the tray. He guesses that Axel's happiness is kind of contagious. And he likes it.
~o~
Demyx starts spending a lot of time at his friend's apartment, and a lot less time at the bar he'd been frequenting before. He feels the need to get drunk less and less, and the need to be near Axel more and more. He craves the redhead's presence like a crackhead craves crack, like the alcoholic he'd previously been craved hard liquor, except he hadn't really been an alcoholic. He'd just been trying to forget.
He spends practically every waking moment at the other's place, even when Axel is at work. It feels like life is finally getting back on track, like he can finally move on, get over Zexion, get over what he did.
Until, that is, the day that Zexion shows up at Axel's apartment while the redhead is at work. He opens the door, sees Zexion standing there, and forgets how to breathe. The shorter male doesn't look at all surprised to see Demyx.
"I thought I might find you here. Roxas did say that you had been spending a great deal of time with Axel." The blonde can think of nothing to say, and he's pretty sure that his mouth wouldn't work, even if he did know what to say. They just kind of stare at each other, and it's really awkward, extremely uncomfortable. Zexion clears his throat. "How...have you been?"
It's a stupid question, they both know. It's written all over Demyx' face just how he's been. It hurts. Seeing Zexion really hurts. He wants him to go away. Silence reigns once more, and Demyx contemplates closing the door right in Zexion's face because that will totally show him, yeah. "He left me, you know."
That gets his attention. He looks at Zexion, his face hardening. Maybe before, he might have felt some remorse. But not now. Now, all he can think is that good, he deserves to be abandoned. It hurts, doesn't it? It's like having your heartripped right out, torn to shreds and thrown away, right? Good. Good, I hope it hurts.
"Are you and Axel together?" The question catches Demyx off guard, makes him blink, makes him forget his cruel thoughts for a second. Were he and Axel together? No, what a weird question.
"No." His mouth finally decides to work.
"Good." And before he knows what on earth is going on, Zexion is kissing him.
Zexion is kissing him.
And Demyx wants to protest, wants to shove him off, wants to scream "No, I'm done with you!"
But...but he doesn't. He kisses back, he holds the smaller male close, and he kisses back. He brain shuts down. All he knows is the feeling of those soft, deceitful lips against his own. They stumble back, stumble down the hallway, shedding clothes as they go, and stumble into Axel's bedroom. The door somehow gets closed behind them, and after that, everything sort of blurs in Demyx' mind. He's aware of more kissing, he's aware of the touches, he's aware of the moaning, the thrusting, the small, willing body beneath his own - but it's all like an out of body experience.
Axel will come home later, and by that time Zexion will be gone, the clothes in the hallway will have been recollected, the bed sheets will have been washed, and any traces of that afternoon's events will have been disposed of. And Demyx will be just a little more broken on the inside. Of course, the blonde won't even be there when the redhead gets home. He'll be at some one else's house, moaning like a whore right off of the streets - and by this point, that's all he feels like.
~o~
After several days, Demyx wanders back to Axel's apartment, and the redhead is there waiting for him. And he looks hurt. He looks broken.
"Why?" He asks. Things had been going so well. Things had been looking up again. Things were supposed to have finally been okay.
Demyx doesn't have an answer. He just lets himself be swallowed whole by his friend in a hug. He stays the night. Not the entire night, but most of it. He slips out of the front door around midnight, and as he passes by Axel's room to get to the door, he's sure that he hears crying. And then he hears a week voice, talking.
"I don't know what to do, Rox. He's killing me. He's killing himself."
Demyx has never heard Axel sound this distraught before. And who in God's name is he talking about? Who's killing him?
"He's dying, Roxas. You haven't seen him lately, but he looks awful. He looks like he might just...drop dead, any second. He's lost so much weight. I'm pretty sure that he never even eats unless I make him. And he spends all of his damn time at that bar." There's a pause, a gasping breath, and then more crying.
Demyx looks down at the carpet. They're talking about him, aren't they? They have to be. And he suddenly feels worse than before. He's hurting Axel.
"No, no. I can't kick him out. I don't even know if he still has his old apartment anymore. What?"
Demyx feels like shit. He's burdening Axel, hurting him terribly, and no. He can't do this anymore. He leaves hurriedly. And he doesn't catch the end of Axel's conversation.
"I hate seeing him like this. Huh? Oh. Yeah...yeah, I think I might really love him, Rox."
~o~
I won't make a sound so you don't wake.
Don't wake, don't wake, you don't wake.
You don't wake.
-
Axel and Demyx had been friends for as long as either of them could even remember. They had grown up together, and they had always been extremely close. But when Demyx started dating Zexion in high school, they started to grow apart. Axel never liked Zexion. He didn't think that he was any good for Demyx, and he tried telling Demyx that, but the blonde was just so hard-headed, and there was really just no point.
But still, Axel saw the way that Zexion looked at Marluxia. He never looked at Demyx that way. It was a look full of hunger and lust, something predatory. Axel felt sorry for Demyx, but at the same time, he didn't feel bad at all, because it was Demyx' fault for not seeing the obvious. He wouldn't even think that their significant other was cheating when they always came home late, and always smelled like another man's cologne? Only Demyx was that naïve.
But Axel just let Demyx do his own thing. He gave up trying to get the blonde out of the unhealthy relationship. They were both paying for it now, though.
~o~
Demyx stares at the bottle of absinthe in front of him, tears burning as fresh in his eyes as the alcohol burns in his stomach. Life can't get any worse, he thinks. He's hurt Axel, he's lost Zexion, he's thrown away everything pretty much. What's the point anymore? Is there one?
No, a voice whispers in his head, no, there's no point. You're a lost cause.
He is. It's true. He's past saving, now. He lifts the bottle and downs it, shoving the empty thing across the bar counter once he's done. The bartender eyes him, frowning.
"Another?" And Demyx just nods. His mouth isn't working.
"Demyx?" Someone from behind him says, and he turns around. Zexion is standing there, blinking, looking like he's shocked that Demyx is there. Funny, Demyx thinks, considering that this place has become my home, all thanks to you.
"Oh, look who it is." He hiccups, and accepts the fresh bottle of alcohol as it's passed to him. "The cheating, lying whore. Come back to let me fuck you like the other day? S'too bad, I ain't got no where to fuck ya'. Axel kicked me out." Well, that wasn't entirely true, but it might as well have been, right? Zexion just stares at him blankly. He knows that Demyx is too drunk to even know what he's saying, and even then, he's right. Zexion understands that now.
"Demyx, put down the alcohol." Demyx laughs coldly, holding the bottle up and giving it a good shake.
"No way. This here stuff has become my best friend since you left me. At least I know that this shit won't fuckin' leave me, or cheat." He spits out spitefully. "It's more than you could offer, asshole."
Zexion sighs, reaching forward and snatching the bottle right out of Demyx' hand. "Demyx, I'm taking you home."
"Wouldn't you like that, whore."
The slate haired male can feel his anger rising, but he just takes a deep breath, and all but yanks the blonde off of the barstool, setting the alcohol on the counter. "Do you live in the same apartment that you used to?"
"Don't got no fuckin' apartment. Stopped paying rent." Zexion sighs again, and he really feels the urge to slap Demyx arise, but he swallows it down.
He has to pretty much wrestle with Demyx all the way to his car, and basically shoves him into the passenger seat so that he can buckle him in. He smells terrible, like alcohol and cheap cologne. It doesn't take Zexion even a full second to realize that Demyx has slept with someone tonight, most likely a stranger. The drive to Zexion's house is silent, and Zexion might even have thought the blonde was asleep if it weren't for the occasional tapping of feet on the floor of the car. When they get to Zexion's apartment, he has to drag the dead weight that is Demyx all the way up to the third floor. And when they get inside, he deposits him on the couch in the living room. He brings out a pillow and a blanket, hands them to the blonde, and goes off to get ready for bed himself.
Zexion is almost asleep when he feels Demyx slide in beside him, and arms wrap around his midsection. It's a familiar touch for both of them.
Neither of them will recall in the morning when the kissing starts, or when the clothes are removed. All they'll remember is the fact that they have sex, and both will remember how Demyx whispers quietly into Zexion's ear,
"This has to be the last time. I need to forget."
When Zexion wakes up the following morning, Demyx is gone. All that's left is a small note on the counter, written in Demyx' horrible handwriting.
I forgive you.
~o~
Forgiveness is the first step on the road to recovery, they always say. And Demyx guesses that that's true. The second he forgives Zexion, he feels lighter, like some invisible force has been lifted from his aching heart. And it still hurts, it always will, but it's not as bad. He isn't sure what made him forgive, but he's glad that he did.
He doesn't go back to the bar. He can't. It would be taking a giant step backwards. Instead, he goes to stay with Xigbar. The older man doesn't ask questions when Demyx shows up at his front door, looking like the living dead. He just lets him in, lets him take a shower, and provides him with a roof over his head.
Demyx is gong to fix this. He has to. He has to, for Axel.
~o~
Axel was trying to sleep when he got the phone call from Xigbar.
"You really need to get your ass over here. Demyx is having a break down."
Axel is out of bed in less than a second, sprinting out of his apartment to get to his car in nothing but a T-shirt and his boxers. He's at the man's house in record timing, in just about six minutes. He scrambles out of his car, races to the front door, and just busts in.
He's greeted by the sight of Demyx, Xigbar no where in sight, sitting on the kitchen counter, coffee mug in hand. Axel blinks, once, twice, and just...stares. He's really freaking confused. Xigbar had said that Demyx was breaking down. But from the look of things, he was enjoying a fucking cup of coffee.
"Why aren't you, like, on the ground flipping your shit or something?" Axel asks. And Demyx laughs, and god, it's been so long since Axel has heard that sound. It makes his heart soar.
"I told Xiggy to tell you that to get you over here. I guess just telling you to come over might have worked, too, but that didn't seem nearly as funny." Demyx says, and he smiles. And he looks so much better than he has in weeks. Axel is barely aware of anything in that instant; he won't remember crossing the room to Demyx, he won't remember gently taking the mug out of Demyx' hands and setting it down, and he won't remember pulling the man off of the counter and just hugging the life out of him.
But he will remember Demyx quietly saying "I've been clean for two weeks."
It makes Axel feel so happy. The pain in his heart dissipates, and it's like his upside down world has finally been uprighted again. He feels like he's finally got his Demyx back. And he just keeps on hugging the blonde for what seems like forever.
Hush.
You color my eyes red.
Your love's not live,
It's dead.
This letter's written itself inside out again.
When rivers turn to roads,
And lovers become trends.
Hush.
This is where it ends.
-
"I never meant to hurt you." Demyx says, burying his face against his friend's neck. Axel's hold is so much nicer than any of the stranger's Demyx had been with; it means so much more. It's more comforting. He finds more solitude there, more refuge, more love.
"I know you didn't, Dem. You were hurt yourself, I understand that. But you're okay now, right?" And when Demyx nods, Axel feels too freaking happy for words to even begin to describe.
"I think me and Zex are okay now, too."
"That's good."
They fall into a comfortable silence, the only sound in the kitchen being that of their breathing, and the subtle, barely there beating of their hearts. It's perfect. They're perfect like this.
And it doesn't even register with Axel that he kisses Demyx right on the mouth until after it's already happened. They look at each other once it's over, and they're both wide-eyed. Axel thinks, shit, he's going to flip out on me, except Demyx starts laughing. And then after a second he's crying, and kissing Axel, and just sobbing, and Axel just holds Demyx, kissing him back. And there will be time for explanations later, but right now they both need this, so they let it happen. Axel knows that Demyx has issues, but that's okay. Because he'll be there to help him though it all. He's always been there, and that isn't going to change anytime soon.
~o~
You color my eyes red.
Your love's not live,
It's dead
This letter's written itself inside out again.
When rivers turn to roads,
And lovers become trends.
Hush.
This is where it ends.
-
"You know, if you ever need a good friend to be there for you, you've got me." A young Axel says, smiling at Demyx from his spot on the blanket they've set up on the ground beneath the stars. Demyx giggles quietly, because Axel is missing one of his two front teeth, and he looks so silly when he smiles. But Demyx won't say that out loud - Axel might get angry with him.
"Yeah. Even when we get old and stuff, I know I'll always have you. Because we're like, best friends, right?"
And Axel nods, extending his arm and sticking out his pinky.
"I'll even pinky swear. Best friends for life, even if one of us ever does something really, really stupid."
They shake on it.
~o~
This is where it ends.