1:
its cold, very cold. her heart beat is slow, every breath causes a small fog in front of her eyes. the only thing thats making her smile is the sound of the rain. reminds her of the good old days, sitting right beside him, leaning on his warm chest and just staring at the window and listening to the sound of the rain hitting the roof. every time she zones out, he sneakily blows into her ears, which always made her jump up and giggle. then with his trophy smile, he says " I looooove you". how could anyone ever get mad at him, he has the most adorable smile and gorgeous pair of green eyes. the thought makes her heart warm up, and brings goose-bumps all over her body. as always the beautiful thoughts and memories get ruined with one, just one, imperfect image. if only she could erase "her" from her world. if only "she" could be gone. if only she could know and trust him, not to do it again, MAYBE then the trust would be restored. the ugly, heartbreaking questions wonder around in her head, why did he cheat? wasn't i good enough? did he ever love me ? or was he just pretending? why is it that all my boyfriends end up like this?
it wasnt till the last question that the tears started running down her face, she didnt want to cry but their was no way to keep them in. she knew that every single one of her guys broke her heart, she did everything they wanted her to do, she loved them with all her heart, but it was never good enough, they all left...
the thought of them all leaving put her into panic, which followed up with the word alone and then the question, whats wrong with me ?
what was wrong with her? why was it that every boy she ever loved, never seemed to love her back?was she too easy? too hard? to weird? to stupid?
every single step that she took, she felt as if her heart sank lower and lower and that her tears grew bigger and bigger, it was as if the rain drops got sucked in from her head and started exiting thru her eyes, she had no control over what was happening in her body or her world. her logic and emotions were not co-operating, logically, she wanted to leave him, move on and go find the right guy, but emotionally, she wanted to jump into his arms and make him hold her and give her that safe feeling that she is been craving for a very long time. ahh his arms, his chest, his body, so perfectly designed, his eyes so gorgeous... she shock her head to get these images out, but it failed. no one but her would think of him as perfect. She was always the girl to find perfection in boys that many people found imperfect.i guess it was her gift.. or curse. she wondered what wicked witch cast this damned curse on her? what has she done thats caused her to be banned from love and passion?from feeling fulfilled and safe?
question after question popped into her head, nothing made any sense, not even her heart beat. whats the point of living when your incapable of feeling anything? whats the point of living when everything you know is a lie?
not knowing how she got home, and not being able to keep her now swollen eyes open, she jumped into bed and went right to sleep. this was not a new thing, it had become a ritual. every night she walks down the same path, the lost , broken, painful path. she couldn't even find comfort in her dreams, her whole world revolved around HIM. Morning was no better than the night, there was a hammer hitting her in the back of her head, and a huge stone laying on her chest. so big that she couldn't even get out of bed. with no effort, her tears fell down to her cheeks. She closed her eyes, hoping that soon she'd wake up and realize that everything she has been living for the past few days was just be a bad dream. nothing happened.
eventually she got the courage to get up, open the blinds and look outside. oh the railing, she wondered, how easy it would be to just end everything. she visualized how it would happen. she would take a shower, wear her favourite white dress, write her suicide note, saying " Sorry for being Selfish" and sign her name underneath, ofcourse adding a heart to it because thats what she always does. Then slowly walking to the railing and going over to the other side and looking down at the road and the cars passing by… thats exactly where she stopped herself because she knew that at that very moment she would miss Him and every great moment that she had in her life would surrender her and make her change her mind. it still didn't stop her from imagining what her friends and family's reaction would be if she did kill herself, would they cry? be mad? hate her? don't care? she wondered if her best friend would start a fight with "him" and blaming him for everything just because she is in such a state of shock and anger or if she would as usual just bottle up her emotions and turn the other way, not talking to anyone and acting indifferent to the situation. she wanted to dig deeper and deeper trying to find out, why would people be upset? could it be because they felt responsible and guilty or because they actually cared about her? Did anyone actually care about her? if so,why was she always in the constant stage of feeling unloved? once again she thought maybe something was wrong with her? maybe she is the problem, maybe its her fault that she feels unloved or even IS unloved.
"Love", she thought to herself, "what a complicated word". All her life she's been searching for it, but it seems like the more she searches the further away it goes. She lit up her cigarette and looked at the empty white wall right infront of her. The wall was so empty, so simple and innocent, nothing like her. if a wall had to represent her it would be filled with color and passion.
it was then that she finally figure it out. she could no longer be mad at him, life with out him was just a nightmare. she even went as far as to say, " i really don't care if "she" is in his life, as long as i can hold him".
it had been 3 weeks since they talked, every single night was a torture, a nightmare. every day she regretted not holding him longer the night she ended it, not kissing his lips. she knew now that nothing mattered anymore, she just wanted her best friend,- the guy that always cheered her up , the sweetheart that was always there- she wanted him back.
for the first time in her life she was sure that this was the right thing to do. she grabbed her phone and with no hesitation texted him, " if you still care about this relationship and wanna make it work, please meet me at our place in 20 minutes". suddenly after pressing send, she got nervous, what if he didn't want to see her? what if he didn't care? what if he was fed up with her? what if he didn't show up? she couldn't sit still, she had to get out. she grabbed her coat and ran out the door.
the walk wasn't much interesting, there was just too much going on in her head, her heart was beating so fast, she was sure if this went on any longer that she would just faint. when she got there, she sat down on the bench, waiting and waiting..
every minute that passed by she became more worried, these questions kept on popping in her head, what if he doesn't care about her anymore? what if she ruined her chance with him forever? what if he found a new girl? what if he doesn't love her? tears started forming in her eyes, she couldn't take it anymore, she wanted to see him. she needed to see him, to hold him! it was then that a familiar voice caught her attention, " baby?". it was him. she couldn't believe it, he was there. he still cared. before she could jump up and down with joy, he kneeled to the ground, with a worried look asked, " are you okay baby? i am really sorry". he then wiped her tears, kissed her lips and continued. " i missed you so much, please don't ever leave me again"