The Face of the Man She Loves

Haley James took a deep breath, inhaling the crisp air, and letting it fill her nose with its brisk coldness. It was almost spring, but although the breeze was gentle, it held a chilly bite, reminding her that winter wasn't quite over yet.

Winter. This was the longest winter of her life, or so it seemed. The holidays were supposed to have been joyful and filled with laughter, not tears and heartache. She sighed, and looked down at the valley below her. She stood still, high atop the city's highest point, the wind ruffling her hair. Haley closed her eyes, the image of his face immediately flooding her senses.

To say that it had been a rough time for them was the understatement of the year. Sam had gone missing and no one knew where he was, Dean had literally been dragged to hell and back, and John was comatose in a hospital bed. Then there was of course when she had almost been possessed, and Dean hadn't been there to help her. It had been a horrific ordeal, one that she'd thought she might not survive… but she did, and now here she was, alone.

Taking another deep breath, Haley thought of Dean. After he'd come back from hell, he'd grown cold, distant, and almost completely detached himself from her. She fought against that, reminding him that he wasn't alone, that she was there to support him, to help him in any way she could. But apparently it had not been enough. Because the harder she tried to hold onto Dean, the farther away he slipped from her.

And that had taken a toll on her health, both physically and emotionally. They'd never 'officially' broken up, but she felt that Dean wasn't invested in their relationship anymore. His time in hell had changed him radically and although she'd thought that her love would be enough to heal him, she'd been wrong.

Maybe that was the worst part. Knowing that she wasn't enough for him. Would probably never be. The doubts haunted and plagued her, and made her feel completely vulnerable. During the months after his return, all they ever did was fight and argue; he would yell at her that she couldn't understand what he'd been through and she'd tell him that he was shutting her out purposefully. All the love they'd once shared, seemingly disappeared and all that was left was pain and anger. They'd hurt each other deeply, and Haley didn't know how she could go on like that. They could not go on like that.

Dean Winchester raced up the mountainous road, heedless of the warning signs along the way to drive slowly, for this was dangerous terrain. He'd gotten a message from Haley that she wanted to talk to him, and judging by the tone of her voice in the message, he suspected what it was about. She'd told him to meet her at 'their place.'

They had been through so much these past few months. It had been literally and figuratively hell. Dean knew he'd changed, Haley had too, and their relationship was tattered and broken. And now as he drove like a madman up to where she was waiting for him, something akin to fear began to coil inside his stomach like a venomous snake.

He couldn't deny his feelings for her, despite the horrors he'd been through, the change that had come over him, he could never deny that he loved Haley with all of his heart. The feelings were too strong, too deep rooted to ever go away. And that always scared the shit out of him. He had always done so well with hiding and letting go of feelings. He'd let go of others, but he just could not let go of Haley. And that terrified Dean Winchester; the man who was a demon hunter was afraid of not being able to let go of the one woman whom he truly did love.

As he neared their place, his heartbeat quickened, his breath grew ragged. He wasn't stupid. He knew she was going to talk about them, how in reality, them was pretty much non-existent. The thought of losing her left him feeling cold and lifeless. But he seen its coming, he'd always known it would happen, sooner or later. And that time had come.

Dean parked the car some distance away, then got off the Impala and began to walk to where she was. He could see her standing still, her hair blowing around her face, as she looked into the dusky horizon. Hid body ached at the sight of her.

As if she knew he'd arrived, she turned around slowly and their eyes connected.

For a brief, sublime moment he forgot all of their problems. And all he wanted to do was touch her. In that instant she was all he could see, and all he felt was his love for her. That incredible, indescribable, and unbelievably strong love.

"You came." Her voice floated to him, ringing in his ears.

"You really thought I wouldn't come?"

"I don't know what to think anymore, Dean." Tears pricked Haley's eyes. She looked at him as he came within several feet of her. The sight of him hurt her.

As he looked at her tear-stricken face, he despised himself for putting her through this pain. He'd never really deserved her. She'd always been a miracle in his life, and it still amazed him that someone so pure and beautiful could love him. Which is why he was so undeserving of her. The things he did, the darkness he'd seen and that was now a part him, didn't belong near his beautiful Haley. He didn't belong with her. He had never belonged with her. She deserved much better than him.

"I've been an ass, I know that. I wish it was different. But I can't change what's happened. The truth is Haley, we can never go back to what we had."

"I know that." She whispered. "After you came back… I thought that my love would be enough to help you heal. But I was wrong."

Dean felt his eyes sting as tears threatened to fall. "I love you, you know that right? I have never stopped loving you. And I am sorry for hurting you like I did. But I- I'm damaged, Haley. I can't ever change that. And you don't deserve someone like me. You deserve someone who can give you everything you need, all of the better things in life. I'm not that person."

She covered her mouth with her hand, stifling a sob. She tried to speak, but her cries prevented her from saying anything.

Dean was crying now. "I would be lying if I said it was easy to let you go. The naked truth is I don't really know how to let you go. I don't. It scares the shit out of me that I don't know how. I've never felt like this before. Dean Winchester doesn't fall in love . But you, Haley, you were different. From the moment I met you, I knew you were special. And you changed my life. For the first time, I wanted to need someone. I wanted and needed you."

"Dean…" Her voice cracked with emotion. She saw his green eyes, they were brimming with pain and tears. She felt a tremendous ache in her heart, seeing him so upset. "Please, just stop."

"I wish I could make all of this go away. I wish I could have made you as happy as you made me."

"You did make me happy! I was the happiest when I was with you." She cried.

Dean wiped away his tears with the back of his hand. "How can you say that after all we've been through? Everything I put you through?"