There Will Be Ham
There will be overacting. There will be scenery chewing. There Will Be Ham. Rated T for violence and themes.
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Alright, first off, I don't own any of this.
Second, this is just a quick little oneshot that I thought would be fun. It's a thinly veiled adaptation of the final scene in There Will Be Blood, and is not meant to be taken seriously or to be in-character. It's written to be amusing and potentially interesting. So please, don't take it seriously, this is basically half-drama, half-crack.
That also goes for the puppyshippers out there; please don't take this fic to be anti-puppyshipping or anything of the sort. I am not a puppyshipper (I'm not much for ships at all, really), but this fic isn't intended to be that. It's really just an excuse to...well, you'll see.
Just to set things up real quick, this takes place right after Duelist Kingdom, in an alternate timeline where Jounouchi was unable to procure the money for Shizuka's eye operation.
Alright, to the fic!
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Jounouchi wrinkled his nose slightly as he felt the uneasy sensation of a cobweb on his forehead. Quickly, he reached up to brush it away, wiping at his face a few times.
"What the-" he muttered, shaking his head back and forth.
"Sorry about that," Mokuba looked up at the taller teenager, standing at his side. "People haven't been coming to this part of the mansion for the last couple weeks."
Jounouchi looked around. On either side of him in the large, wooden hallway were massive portraits of people he wasn't familiar with, each peering down at him ominously. He definitely felt a sense of foreboding from them, doing nothing to help his current state of mind. The carpet was a bright blue and white weave, snaking down the hall and stopping right before the large brown door at the end. It was so quiet and dark, each step he took further into it made the cold weight in his stomach drop down further.
"What's that supposed to mean?" Jounouchi asked, looking around at the portraits, arms raised defensively.
"Seto said he didn't want to be bothered," Mokuba answered, his tone betraying his concern. "He's sort of...holed himself up in there. Ever since we got back from Duelist Kingdom, he's been really distant."
Jounouchi looked up at the ceiling, spying several spider webs hanging down. "What is this, some kind of...haunted house?"
"He hasn't come out of his office for two weeks now," Mokuba admitted. "And he said he didn't want anyone poking around here."
"He's been in there for two weeks?" Joey squinted at the door. "You mean he's...sleepin' in there?"
Mokuba shrugged. "He...he took the whole thing pretty hard. He's not used to losing," Mokuba stepped forward, Jounouchi following a half step behind. "I'm sure he'll be fine soon, he just needs to work past some things. He's not used to losing, I guess it's hard for him."
Jounouchi took in a deep breath, forcing himself to march down the hall.
This is your fault...you had a chance to do it yourself and you blew it...you brought this on yourself...it's your fault...
"Maybe seeing you will cheer him up," Mokuba suggested as he came up to the door. "He could really use-"
A sharp gunshot rang through the air, causing both Mokuba and Jou to duck and squeeze their eyes shut in surprise.
"He...he must be watching a movie," Mokuba said uneasily, scratching his head. "Well, I'll leave you two alone?"
Jounouchi blanched, but nodded, stepping forward to grab the doorknob.
"It's...it's good to see you, Jou," Mokuba said as he slowly headed back down the hall. "I'm sure Seto will be happy to see you."
Jounouchi smiled grimly, hearing the sound of his heart pumping in his ears. His hand trembled on the knob.
You deserve this...it's your fault...you don't have a choice...
With a sigh, he turned the knob and pushed the door open, a loud creak from the hinges signalling his entrance.
A massive square carpet took up a majority of the room, bookshelves and maps lining the walls on either side. A large desk was close to the far wall, a massive chair on the opposite side, facing the far wall. A much smaller one, a simple black wooden one, was on his side.
Jounouchi's heart jumped as a medium-sized revolver appeared from behind the chair, held by a long, thin arm, pointed at the left wall. He watched in stunned silence as the thumb of the hand pulled the hammer back, then pulled the trigger. Jounouchi winced as another gunshot sounded off. He glanced to the left just in time to see a duel monster card propped up on a stand on a small end table, before the bullet from the gun blew a large hole right through it.
"God DAMMIT, Mokuba!" The chair slowly spun around. Jounouchi's heart froze. "I TOLD you not to bother me-"
Jounouchi gasped at the sight. It was definitely Seto Kaiba, millionaire CEO of Kaibacorp, seated in the chair, but not the Seto Kaiba he had known. This version was unkempt and unruly, long messy hair and wild facial hair. Even from this great distance, his face looked greasy and his eyes bloodshot. One thing was for sure; he had not taken losing those duels well. Jounouchi took a step back, tempted to turn and run as fast as he could, as Kaiba looked him up and down in surprise. He wore a nasty scowl, but to Jounouchi's shock, it melted into a small grin.
"Jounouchi?" Kaiba grunted, tilting his head slightly to the right.
Jounouchi nodded grimly.
"Jounouchi...it's really you," Kaiba nodded, beckoning him forward with his right hand. "Well, isn't this a surprise?"
Jounouchi bowed his head slightly as he walked towards the CEO. "Hi."
Kaiba grinned maniacally, pointing at the smaller chair on the opposite side of the desk. "Please, have a seat!"
Jounouchi continued to meekly step forward, his brain processing Kaiba's reaction to this and coming up with no reasonable conclusion.
"You...you look...different," Jounouchi commented, withering until Kaiba's creepy glare but willing himself to continue.
Kaiba gave a small laugh, setting the revolver down on the desk. "I can't say I expected this."
"Yeah, uh...yeah," Jounouchi sat down in the chair, looking down at his shoes. He threw a quick glance to his left, biting his lip nervously as he saw a large mound of duel monster cards with bullet holes in them scattered on the floor.
"Vodka?" Kaiba offered, holding up an unmarked bottle of clear liquid and a glass.
Jounouchi shook his head, wincing as Kaiba ignored the glass and simple took a massive chug from the bottle.
"It's really good," Kaiba shook his head as she set the bottle back down. "It's really helped me find inner peace after all of that...all of that shit."
Jounouchi shifted uneasily, but held his tongue.
"You know, Jounouchi...I always win," Kaiba began, leaning back in his chair. "One way or another, I always win. What your...your friend did to me, it's been hard for me. I'm a realist, Jounouchi, I know full well he beat me twice. And Crawford...he made me look like a novice," He spread his arms to his sides. "Here I am, millionaire CEO at the age of sixteen, got mansions, jets, everything I could possibly want...but I can't even beat your middle-class no-name friend. It's enough to drive a man MAD!" Kaiba stroked his beard with his right hand. "It's made me question everything I've ever thought, losing those damn duels."
"They were...good, competitive duels," Jounouchi offered tentatively. "I...I'm here to ask you something, Kaiba. And...well, I'm running out of time, so...I'd like to get down to business.
At this, Kaiba's eyes lit up, and his smirk grew. Jounouchi felt his stomach turn.
"Oh? A request?" Kaiba leaned forward, propping his chin on his hands and resting his elbows on the desk. "Do tell," his eyes flickered with excitement, which did nothing to ease Jounouchi's fear.
Jounouchi took in a deep breath. "It's...it's my sister. I have a little sister, and...and she's going blind," he hung his head. "She needs an operation to save her sight, and...and we can't afford it. Not even close. I tried to win the Duelist Kingdom prize money so I could pay for it, but...but I-"
"You failed," Kaiba concluded, leaning even further forward. "You lost. You had a chance to make it right, and you failed," he nodded, leaning back and taking another swig from the vodka bottle.
Jounouchi went red, grinding his teeth. The fear made way for anger and disgust as the full brunt of his actions came to bear in his mind. How he despised this man; he had forgotten the full distaste he had for this egotistical, snobbish prick. And here he was, pleading for money to save his sister's eyesight. But he swallowed the anger down. His sister was all that mattered now. He'd tell this prick what he wanted to hear if it would save her.
"I failed. I'm a failure," Jounouchi muttered. "I couldn't protect my sister, and now...now she's days away from going blind forever. So...so I need to...to borrow some money. I need three million yen, as soon as possible."
Kaiba didn't make a sound, so Jounouchi glanced up. He still had that slightly offsetting grin and that crazed look in his eyes. Jounouchi swallowed down some bile and continued.
"I know...I know we've had our differences. But this...this isn't a card game. This is my sister's well-being. I need this. She needs this. D-don't punish her because of me, please." Jounouchi continued, shaking slightly in the seat.
Kaiba still said nothing. Jounouchi was beginning to fear the worst, that he was about to be violently removed from the premises. So, for perhaps two or three seconds, he allowed the pure, abject hatred he felt for this man and himself to wash over him and embrace him. His mind pulled no punches, for just those few seconds. And then, steeling himself, he proceeded in his shameful pleading.
"L-look!" He grunted, looking down at the carpet. "What do you want from me? I'll do it!" Jounouchi again went a dark red, a multitude of emotions flowing in every direction in his head. He stood up, spreading his arms at his sides. "You got me right where you want me, Kaiba! Let's cut the bullshit, I don't like you and you don't like me and we both know it. But I need this, I'm desperate! I'm a screw-up, and now you're the only one who can save me! There, I said it! If you want me to get down on the floor and lick your shoes, just say the word and I'll do it! But I need this money, and I need it now!"
"You're a poor negotiator, Jounouchi, you know that?" Kaiba snickered, looking up at the ceiling. He closed his eyes for a moment. "Well, I can commend you for being upfront I suppose."
Jounouchi nodded, violently shoving his hands into his jacket pockets, disgusted with himself.
"Alright," Kaiba reached down and pulled one of his desk drawers open. "Three million yen for your sister's eye operation. I can certainly do that," he removed a black checkbook from the drawer, setting it open on the desk in front of him, removing a pen from a cup to his right.
Jounouchi's jaw dropped as Kaiba began to write out the check.
"Yes...yes, that wouldn't be a problem for me," he continued to mumble as he filled out the small form.
"...I...I..." Jounouchi babbled, his emotions changing so rapidly he felt like he was suffering from altitude sickness. "K-Kaiba...I...I...thank you," he finally squeaked out, shaking from the shock. He sat himself back down, trying to steady himself. "Thank you."
Kaiba set the pen down. "However. I have one request of you. There's one stipulation to this deal."
"Anything," Jounouchi said immediately. "Name it." He expelled a large breath, mind settling. He allowed pure joy to take his mind now. His sister was going to be okay. He was getting the money. He was seconds away from having a check in his hand for the full amount. She was safe. She was going to get everything she needed. He had done it. It hadn't been the way he would have wanted it, but he had saved her. Even his strong dislike of Kaiba had dissolved. How could he hate a man so generous in his hour of greatest need? He would gladly fulfill any request Kaiba ask of him.
"I want you to say that your friend, Yuugi Moto, is a fraud Duel Monsters Champion, and that I am the true number one duelist in the world." Kaiba replied simply.
Jounouchi looked down at the floor for a moment, pursing his lips.
"Yugi beat you fair and square," Jounouchi mumbled. "He...he deserved to win. Me...me saying that, it doesn't change anything. I mean...we're...we're alone, in here. I'm not some...authority figure..."
Kaiba didn't respond, tapping his right index finger on the check.
"I'd need the money immediately. The operation needs to happen as soon as possible," Jounouchi added, glancing up at Kaiba.
"You leave my office now, you can be at the hospital with money in hand within the hour," Kaiba replied, nodding sagely.
Jounouchi looked down at the ground, then up to the check. He swallowed down hard.
"Yuugi Moto is a fraud Duel Monsters Champion, and you are the true number one duelist in the world, if that is what you believe then I will say it," Jounouchi finally croaked out.
"Like you mean it," Kaiba replied simply.
"Yuugi Moto is a fraud Duel Monsters Champion, you are the true number one duelist in the world," Jounouchi repeated, head still down.
"Jou, please. This is three million yen we're talking about here. I think you can put a little more effort into it." Kaiba encouraged, leaning forward across the desk again.
"Yuugi Moto is a fraud Duel Monsters Champion, you are the true number one duelist in the world," Jounouchi said again, louder, feeling decidedly silly and awkward.
"Jou," Kaiba stood up, motioning around the room. "I need a little more from you. Pretend that this room is...the lunchroom at Domino High. Filled to the brim with high school students, going about their days, heads bloated with the foolish notion of Yuugi Moto being the greatest duelist in the world. And you need every last one of them to hear what you're saying. Now, try it again."
"Yuugi Moto is a fraud Duel Monsters Champion, you are the true number one duelist in the world!" Jounouchi shouted. He felt a small prick of guilt at the declaration, knowing that Yuugi was in fact his best friend, but no one was here. And surely he would understand given the circumstances.
"They can't hear you in the back!" Kaiba enthused, coming around the desk, his posture crooked and walk bow-legged, as if he hadn't been doing very much walking in recent times.
"Yuugi Moto is a fraud Duel Monsters Champion, you are the true number one duelist in the world!" Jounouchi yelled, watching Kaiba out of the corner of his eyes with some apprehension.
Kaiba stopped when he was right next to Jounouchi, looking down at the seated youth, leaning up against the desk.
"Hardly worth three million yen, I think," Kaiba said coldly, whisking the check off the desk and quickly tearing it up into small pieces, scattering it into the air around Jounouchi.
Jounouchi's heart jumped up into his chest as the pieces fell to the carpet. He was so shocked at this new turn of events, he again felt like his emotions were suffering a bad bout of altitude sickness.
"...I...wait, no, I did what you-"
"You stupid, stupid child. Did you really think I'd just let you waltz out of here with my money?" He leaned down towards Jounouchi, leering dangerously. "I wouldn't piss on you if you were on fire."
"...that's not...that's not...fair-"
"Oh...Jou, you have no idea how great this feels right now," Kaiba slowly turned away from Jounouchi, walking a few steps away. "These last few weeks have been...so, so strange, I needed this more than you could imagine," he slowly turned back around. "Sometimes you need a...strong example to remind you of how powerful you really are."
"...Kaiba, this isn't a game, I-"
"For all of your...idealistic, foolish, simple-minded righteousness, when the chips are really down, I'm the only one you can turn to," Kaiba continued, placing his left hand on the desk. "Oh, this is truly a revelation for me, I'll remember this moment forever. Oh, your little friend, maybe he can beat me in a card game, but you can't go to him, now can you?"
"Kaiba, stop playing around, just-"
"You can't go to your welfare-bandit, degenerate father, you can't go to your useless mother...it's me. And it's only me. I'm the one with the billion dollar company, I'm the one with the power," he looked around the room with wild eyes, as if seeing all of his possessions for the first time. "Your whole family isn't worth what I have on just these bookshelves, Jou-"
"Kaiba-"
"Shut up!" Kaiba turned to face Jounouchi again, rubbing a twitch that was developing under his right eye. "Shut up, you snivelling little ass!" He bent down at the waist so he could look at Jounouchi's face as he slowly hunched over. "Do you think I sit in my office all day, waiting for freeloaders to come at me with their hands out?"
Jounouchi gave a small sniffle, biting his lower lip. This was really it. He had tried everything. Nothing he did had been good enough, and now it was done. Nothing left but to listen to Kaiba's taunts.
"Stop that! Stop that!" Kaiba pushed on Jounouchi's shoulder. "Your poor, poor, sister, having such a pathetic excuse for a brother!" He gave Jounouchi a mocking examination, as if looking for something on him. "Where is the real Katsuya Jounouchi, I wonder? He couldn't possibly be this pathetic. I don't even really believe you're really human, you're so..." he slowly raised his right hand at Jounouchi and pointed emphatically at him. "You're just afterbirth, Jounouchi. The real Katsuya Jounouchi is somewhere far away right now, maybe he's a successful, respectable man. You, you're just his afterbirth, slithered out of your mother's filth! Had your father any sense, he would have put you in a glass jar on the mantelpiece."
"K...Kaiba, why are you-"
"How does it feel, to be completely worthless? To be so pathetic you have to go to someone you don't like to beg for money?" Kaiba hissed, a mad grin still on his face. "I truly wouldn't know, I can hardly fathom being as pathetic as you. I can play you like a fiddle, whether you want it or not. The whole world is my fiddle!"
"Kaiba...if...if you could just-"
Without warning, Kaiba reached forward and grabbed Jounouchi by the collar, then hurled him towards the middle of the room, growling as he did so. Jounouchi hit the carpet hard, looking up at Kaiba in shock. Kaiba walked over towards the prone youth, gesturing wildly.
"DID YOU REALLY THINK YOUR 'HEART OF THE CARDS' AND YOUR 'FRIENDSHIP' WOULD SAVE YOU?" Kaiba screamed, Jounouchi scrambling to back away and get to his feet. "I AM THE KING OF GAMES!"
"Jesus!" Jounouchi gasped, getting to his feet and dashing for the door.
"YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS ARE JUST ANTS UNDERNEATH MY FEET!" He strode awkwardly over to the bookshelf on the left wall, grabbing a foot-tall, golden, cup-shaped trophy and then advancing towards Jounouchi again. "IIIIIIII AM THE KING OF GAMES! IIIIIIIII AM THE KING OF GAMES!" He pointed at himself, pumping his arm back and forth.
Jounouchi grabbed the doorknob and tried to wrench it, but found it to be locked. He fought with it, glancing back at the advancing Kaiba, but it wouldn't budge.
"KAIBA! PLEASE, THIS ISN'T FUNNY!" Jounouchi screamed as Kaiba hurled the trophy across the room. Jounouchi jumped out the way, the trophy smashing against the door and putting a dent in the wood.
"I TOLD YOU I WAS THE BETTER MAN!" Kaiba screeched, Jounouchi dashing back into the room. Kaiba went over to the shelf to the immediate right of the door, grabbing a solid steel orb from it. "I'M SMARTER THAN YOU!" He turned and hurled it at the blond, Jounouchi just barely diving out of the way as it smashed into the carpet and left and large dent. "I'M OLDER THAN YOU!"
"KAIBA, JUST LET ME GO, PLEASE!" Jounouchi screamed, holding his hands out toward Kaiba before rolling over and jumping up.
Kaiba grabbed a golden trophy in the shape of a rod from the shelf in his right hand and grabbing a heavy book with his left. "IIIIIIIIII AM THE TRUE KING OF GAMES!" He yelled, hurling the book at Jounouchi.
The book made contact with Jounouchi's head, sending him crashing back to the floor. Dazed, he rubbed his head, groaning, feeling the developing bump. The creaking of the floorboards reminded him of his situation, and he rolled onto his back just in time to see Kaiba towering over him, heavy golden rod in his right hand.
Jounouchi closed his eyes and threw his hands up to protect his face, but Kaiba was able to slam the tip of the rod against the top of Jounouchi's skull with full force. Jounouchi saw stars as Kaiba rolled him back onto his stomach. There was nothing he could do as Kaiba brought the heavy trophy down on the back of his head again, smashing his head into the carpet, dashing the final coherent thoughts from his mind and sending him out of the world of the conscious.
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Kaiba stood up straight, surveying his handiwork, dropping the trophy to the ground by his side. Jounouchi's body was splayed out on the carpet, a pool of blood spreading in all directions from his skull. Kaiba took in a few deep breaths, watching the red stain develop into a small circle on his carpet. He watched his fingertips for a few minutes, seeing no movement. He crouched down and took a seat on the floor by the fresh corpse, back turned to the door, rubbing his beard,
He heard the creak of his door open, but chose not to turn his head to see who was entering. He enjoyed the several seconds of silence, cricking his head left and right.
"...Big brother?" Mokuba squeaked. Kaiba imagined the look of horror and shock on his younger brother's face at the sight of Jounouchi's lifeless body.
Kaiba sighed, glancing again at the crushed skull of Jounouchi. He cleared his throat, still not turning to look at his sibling, acknowledging his presence with two words.
"I'm finished."