Howdy, everyone! As I was writing the latest chapter of Artemis Fowl: The Human Invasion, I started to get sick and tired of writing serious, along-the-plot fics. It's not like I'm not going to continue that fic, actually far from it. I'm just going to update this ridiculously plotless fic which is so random that you won't believe it. I'm not sure that I actually am good at writing hilarious fics, but I'm hoping for optimistic reviews, although flames are welcome for this story. It took me about fifteen minutes to write this, so... Yeah. You get the idea.
Disclaimer: I wish I was Eoin Colfer's mommy. Then I would own Eoin Colfer and Artemis and Holly&Co and everyone so this will all be taken care of. But guess what? I'm fourteen and am hardly old enough to be a mommy of anyone. So I guess that explains why I am writing this disclaimer, and I'm very afraid that someone might sue me if I don't. I just wanted to tell you that I'm not Eoin Colfer's mommy, nor am I Eoin Colfer, nor am I Artemis, nor do I actually own Eoin Colfer or Eoin Colfer's mom. At least I don't think I'm Eoin Colfer or Eoin Colfer's mom. Or am I?
Come in to this lecture.
A Lesson on Female Association
Juliet: (yells like crazy) ARTY! Come downstairs! It's time for dinner!
Artemis: I do wish you'd shut up. I must concentrate on hacking a bank account, and dinner is not essential at the moment.
Juliet: (eyes widen) But Artemis, I made dinner just for you. Butler and I already had dinner and your parents are out and-
Artemis: I said, SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!(turns his eyes coolly to the screen)
Juliet: (slumps and turns away swearing)
With a large POOF sending Artemis down to the floor on his behind, a black-haired, black-eyed girl in a hot pink wizard robe complemented with a ridiculous pointy hat with humungous flowers comes out of nowhere. She waves her wand with a blue star at the end at Artemis. She presses a button and a sign pops up at the end saying "Arty virus"
Mysterious girl: (grins a crazy grin) Hello!
Artemis: (stares in disbelief) Who, may I inquire, the hell are you?
Mysterious girl: Oh my god! You don't know me? (clears her throat) I am the omniscient, omnipotent, omnipresent CYBERSPACE!! (drumroll accompanied by music from Mission Impossible)
Artemis: (squints) Cyberspace? That's quite, ah, a very strange name.
Cyberspace: NONSENSE! (with a snap of her hand she brings in the School of Rock, who recently practiced a capella and they start singing in a million different tunes) Cyberspace, cyberspace, cyberspace!
Artemis: (blinks) All right. I understand you are here. What I don't understand is why you're here.
Cyberspace: Ah, I see! My mistake! (walks up to a chalkboard that came out of nowhere once again. It says "Today's lecture: Female Association) This is what we'll do in class! By the way, School of Rock, you can go away now. (they disappear with a poof)
Artemis: Female Association.
Cyberspace: Yes! (flushes in delight) We're gonna teach you how to talk to GIRLS! Isn't that exciting!
All is calm. Cricket sounds are heard faintly in the distance.
Cyberspace: (blinks) Okey-dokey! Don't you worry, I'm not going to teach you Arty! You're counselor will be- (stops a moment) Drumroll! (.....silence) DRUMROLL! (POOF! The School of Rock appears again)
Freddy Jones: You told us to go away. (pouts)
Cyberspace: Well, NEVER MIND! Drumroll please!
Freddy obeys, and Cyberspace continues.
Cyberspace: All righty!! You're counselor is gonna be- (DRUMROLL gets intense) he's gonna be- (DRUMROLL get's more intense) he's GONNA BE! (a drum explodes and drumsticks fly into the air)
Freddy: (screams) GET ON WITH IT!
Cyberspace: Okay, OKAY! (clears her throat) I will introduce you to your counselor, CHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIX VERBIL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
POOF! Chix Verbil comes in.
Chix Verbil: (blinks) Huh? Where am I?
Cyberspace: Good morning, Chix! Welcome to the lecture of FEMALE ASSOCIATION!
Chix: Huh? Female Associa-SHUN!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! You don't have to teach me to associate with girls, they're all falling for me already!
Cyberspace: You wish Chix. I'm not killing you right now because you've got teaching to do!
Chix: (sits up intently) OH! So I'm teaching! Well, you've got the right guy!
Chix drags Artemis to his closet. Strange, yet dangerous sounds come from inside the closet that sounds like bones breaking
Artemis: (jumps out with his shirt off) NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Chix: YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES! Come here, boy!
Chix drags in Artemis again. Ten seconds later, Artemis spins out like TazManiac. When he stops spinning(which he has been doing about ten minutes) he's down cold with jeans, an Adidas shirt, and a Von Dutch baseball cap.
Cyberspace: (gasps) Oh my GAWD! He's so cute! (blushes) But what do you think you doing! (turns to Chix and screams) WAKE HIM UP! I didn't tell you to make him fall asleep, I told you to TEACH!!!!
Chix: (shrieks) WAIT!!!!!!!!!!!!! (calms down) We need to do something about his shoes and hair. (goes out, and comes back with a pair of Nike sneakers and a bottle of hair gel.) Just you wait!
Ten seconds later, Artemis's hair is shaped into punk style and Nike sneakers have replaced his Armani loafers.
Cyberspace: (gasps) Perfect! NOW WAKE HIM UP! But what do we do with his cap!
Chix: (smirks) Discard it. (slaps Artemis in the face)
Artemis: (with bleary eyes) Where am I?
Cyberspace: You're at FOWL MANOR! Oh, and by the way, this Von Dutch cap, I'm gonna keep it. I love Von Dutch.
Artemis: (rolls his eyes) Big surprise.
Cyberspace: LOOK IN THE MIRROR, ARTY! You're a new person!
Artemis: (stands up and looks into the mirror) (stares) Who am I.
Cyberspace: Why, you're Artemis Fowl.
Artemis: (looks at Cyberspace skeptically) Are you sure.
Chix: Okay! Enough of wasting time! Let's get on to the lecture!
Freddy: Hey! Wait a minute, aren't you gonna use us?
Cyberspace: YES WE ARE! We're gonna use some ROCK!
Rock music blears out instantly.
Chix: CUT IT OUT!!!!!!!(stops as soon as it started) Okay. First step is way of talking. Repeat after me, Arty. (in a sexy voice) Hey, babe. What's up?
Artemis: (blinks for the thousanth time) What is that.
Chix: It's what you say to girls, dimwit.
Artemis: I AM NOT A DIMWIT! (calms down) And you expect me to do that.
Chix& Cyberspace: (bats eyelids) Exactly.
Artemis: (folds his arms) No.
Chix: Yes.
Artemis: NO!
Chix: Yes.
Artemis: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!
Juliet stumbles in.
Juliet: Artemis! What's going- (looks at Chix, weird-girl-in-hot-pink-robe, and School of Rock) Oh my. (turns to Artemis) Do you think I can body-slam all of them?
Artemis:(grasps his forehead) Do try.
Juliet: (falls silent, for she's staring at Artemis) Oh my God, Arty! What have they done to you!
Artemis: I'm not sure of that, either.
Juliet: You're so cute! Arty! (turns to Chix and Cyberspace) Thank you! (runs over to Artemis and kisses him)
Cyberspace: (bows) You're welcome. We're teaching Arty on how to talk to girls.
Juliet: You ARE?! Thank YOU SO MUCH! (gets dreamy eyed) I've always wondered how Artemis would be like if he was a class hotty...(steady music comes out from School of Rock)
Chix: I see, Artemis, that you're not doing anything without a practice host. (claps his hands) PRACTICE HOST!
Butler stumbles in with a bewildered expression on his face. He is dressed in a lime green tube top and a dark jean miniskirt. He has red high heels on his feet and they're about to explode. But the worst part is his hair... His once-bald head is now with thick blond curls. He has a stewardess smile plastered on his face.
Butler: (grin widens) Hello.
Artemis& Juliet: (stares in horror) BUTLER! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!
Artemis: And what's to become of that skimpy attire?!
Butler: (head lolls, then pops up as he returms to sanity) I don't know. Um.. (glances down at his outfit) AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Artemis & Juliet: AHHHHHHHHHH!
Chix & Cyberspace: (glances at each other) AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
School of Rock: (music intensifies) AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Holly: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Cyberspace: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! TURN OFF THE DAMN MUSIC! AHHHHHHHHH!
All stop screaming, except Holly's high-pitched yell.
Everyone: Holly?
Cyberspace: (turns to School of Rock) HEY! How do you know her?!
School of Rock: (simultaneously) Sorry. (stares at each other)
Holly: Why in Frond's name am I here?
Everyone: We don't know.
Holly: And why were you guys screaming?
Cyberspace: I.. I don't know. It's just that... Well, Butler and Artemis started screaming, and then Juliet, and then Chix, and then me, and then the School of Rock, and then, well, it just seemed that it would be a good idea to scream at a time like this, because, well, everybody's screaming, and if everybody's screaming, well, you know, it would be wise to scream like everybody else, because everybody's screaming, and when everybody's screaming, it feels good to scream.
Holly: (stares) Okay.
Chix: (breaks the tension) VOILA! You can be the practice host! BRAVOOOOO!
Holly: The WHAT?!
Artemis: (grasps his hair in agony) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Butler: NOOOOOOOOOO! (his wig falls off) What about my clothes! NOOOO!
A black and white object suddenly appears out the window.
Holly: Wow! Who is that?
Everyone except Holly: IT'S SCREAM! (runs around in circles)
Horrendous music comes from School of Rock.
Artemis stops running around in circles and composes himself. He looks around and searches for a weapon. He finds a toliet plunger in the corner of his room. He takes the plunger into his hands and with a "AAAAAAAARGH!" charges toward Scream, but he misses and the plunger bounces off the wall and lands on his face instead. Artemis tries to take it off, but it results in him pumping it vigorously.
Artemis: Argrugergro.... hellb me...(faints)
Scream: MHAHAHAHAHA! I shall murder you all!!! HAHAHAHA... AHHHHHHH!
A thousand bullets rests on Scream's chest in a heart shape.
Scream: Ahhhh! (falls down backward)
Juliet: (giggles like crazy while still running around) Look! He's wearing the newest Batman boxers! They're only $4.99 at Wal-Mart!!
Butler: (shifts around uncomfortably while running in a circle)
Juliet: DOM! You, too?
Butler: (nods)
Juliet: Well FRY MY SOCKS!
Chix brings out a table replete with Batman underwear, and Juliet stands behind it with a smile on her face. Freddy and Zack from the School of Rock are models. Freddy's wearing a red one over his head and his ears are sticking out. Zack's wearing a blue one over his pants.
Juliet: Howdy, everyone! We're here to advertise the newest edition of Batman's underwear! They're only $4.99 for five! YAH! Come buy them!
Holly: (blows the tip of her Sig Sauer, and points an accusing finger, it sticks out the monitor) That was random.
Cyberspace: (shrugs while typing) I'm sorry.
Holly: Everybody! CUT IT OUT! Y'ALL ARE DRIVING ME CRAZY!!!!!
A few people pass out due to dizziness, remaining people are still running. Juliet and Freddy&Zack are still doing their advertisement. Cyberspace is no where to be seen, for she is now beyond the monitor.
Holly starts shooting everyone.
Cyberspace: HEY!!! HOLLY SHORT! I NEVER TOLD YOU TO DO THAT! YOU SHOULD LISTEN TO WHAT I SAY! I'M THE GOD AROUND HERE!
Holly: (shrugs) You typed it.
Cyberspace: No, I DIDN'T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
School of Rock, Arty, Chix, Juliet, and Butler lies bleeding like they never bleeded in their life. Holly doesn't care.
POOF! A black haired boy with jade green eyes pops out of nowhere. The lightning bolt shapes scar is easily visible.
Harry: (brightly) Hello! I'm Harry Potter, and I'm looking for Voldy.
Holly pulls the toilet plunger on Artemis's face (there's a red circle on where it used to be) and uses a stick in Artemis's room and a strip of camouflage foil as a bow.
Harry: Hey! What are you doing? You wanna fight the big man Voldemort with me?
Holly gingerly places the plunger in the newly-made bow and aims at Harry.
Harry: Hey! What's that! You're not gonna shoot me with that are you? HAHAHAHAHA!
Holly lets go of the bow, and the plunger lands on Harry's face. She stomps over to Harry and pumps it five times a second on his face.
Harry: AHHHHHHH!!! VOLDY!!! (takes out his wand) Avada- Kada-. (lies dead)
Holly: (screams) How come you keep bringing in these random characters?!
Cyberspace: No explanations!!
Holly: D'ARVIT! DAMN YOU!
Cyberspace: Well, shoot yourself.
Holly opens her mouth to say something, but she can't because her hand is coming up with her gun and shoots her.
Holly: (grips her chest) How did you make me do that?(falls unconscious, probably dead)
Cyberspace: Because I'm the omniscient, omnipotent, omnipresent Cyberspace that will soon conquer the world! MHAHAHAHA! You all will be sent to your realm again.
With a snap of her fingers everything turns back to normal, and Artemis is sitting at his desk.
---
Juliet:(yells like crazy) ARTY! Come downstairs! It's time for dinner!
Artemis: I do wish you'd shut up. I must concentrate on hacking a bank account, and dinner is not essential at the moment.
Juliet: (eyes widen) But Artemis, I made dinner just for you. Butler and I already had dinner and your parents are out and-
Artemis: I said, SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!(turns his eyes coolly to the screen)
Juliet: (slumps and turns away swearing)
Artemis: (mutters under his breath) Girls.
He feels a sudden chill down his spine. How come he's feeling that something cataclysmic has to happen at this moment? He looks beside him, half-expecting a girl in a hot pink wizard robe with a ridiculous hat and a blue stared wand. Artemis is shocked at this absurdity and shakes it away. He looks at the door, expecting to see Butler in thick blond curls and a lime green tube top and a denim miniskirt with red high heels that are about to split open.
Artemis: (hits his head with a toilet plunger) Juliet!! I need a tranquilizer and a phychiatrist! (toilet plunger gets stuck on his head) AHHHHHH!!
Never try to teach Arty anything. You'll die trying.
The end........?
Okay, how was that?! I was just feeling silly and this just popped into my mind. I've never read that many ridiculous fics before, is this similar to the rest of them? I hope not...
Artemis: (in a weirdly calm voice) What have you done to me.
Me: Oh, shut up.
Artemis: I do not, I must point out, do not have a toilet plunger inside my room. Nor do I have it adhered to my face.
Me: Yes you do. In my story.
Holly: Oh, you stupid Mud Boy, sto pwhining. It's funny anyway. Except the last part when I shot myself. Whoa. That was damn stupid.
Diana(from the Human Invasion): Hiya! What's that? (reads fic carefully).... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Artemis: Nor will I ever wear that casual attire.
Butler: (blinks incredulously) I'm wearing a miniskirt.
Diana: Yeah, Butler, it's kinda cute you know.
Zack: Hey! How come our class is in this fic! We don't know a thing about Artemis Fowl! We're not related at all to him either!
Freddy: And can anyone explain why the hell am I wearing an underwear over my head?
Scream: (comes out of nowhere) Who am I.
Everyone: AHHHHHH!! SCREAM!!!!
Me: Ooooooooooookay, so I guess everybody's coming, and this is soon gonna be mass turmoil. So, I'll take care of this mess, for I was the one who instigated it. So all you have to do is don't pay any attention to the ruckus, even if people are being thrown around like they are now, or even if I get beat up to death, because, well, I guess I deserve it. And press the go button right there. The beautiful Go button. Oh how I love that go button-
The End.