Disclaimer:I do not own Inuyasha

DragonLadySage: Thank so much for bataed the whole story. Also, thank you very much for anyone who review, follows, favorites, and read the story.

What had she done?

A clawed hand was wrapping around her tiny waist, pulling her against a muscular bare chest. His head nuzzled her hair and neck, inhaling her sweet scent into his evenly breathing patterns; holding her protectively even in his deep sleep.

What had she done?

The guilt that had been nesting inside her chest was slowly spreading roots throughout her entire body, suffocating her. Her stomach turned, she felt like she was going to be sick.

She felt sick; sick and disgusted with herself.

She had betrayed not one, but two men she had claimed she loved.

She would never be the little innocent girl again. She would never be Sesshomaru's little girl again.

.

.

She felt betrayed by the human man who had claimed to love her. The handsome young man who had asked for her hand in marriage. She said yes to the proposal with her whole heart. She loved him. She was so happy. Her world had become beautiful, brilliant, perfect, and her heart wouldn't stop racing when thinking about her wedding ceremony just a few days away.

But then she caught him flirting with another girl. Holding another woman tightly, and kissing her. He had always been a flirt, but Rin was hoping he would stop. He was about to marry her. Be hers.

Rin was hurt. Falling apart.

She felt like her heart had been ripped out of her chest.

Empty.

The most painful fact was that she still loved him. Loved him enough to want to go back to him even if he would never change. But she wanted him to change. She wished he would change. She wanted him to see her and her alone.

Just then her lord dropped by for a visit. Instead of smiling like usual and telling him the good news of her engagement, she let her shattered heart free, tears flooded her beautiful brown eyes, and she cried like a lost child into his arms.

Her lord welcomed her. Like always. He always there when she needed him.

She needed someone to embrace her. She needed warmth. And there he was, ready to give her anything in the world.

She took advantage of his kindness. His embrace was so warm and protective. She searched out for his kiss and he let her. She lost herself knowing it was wrong to use her lord, yet she did not yield. She held him tight, letting herself melt into his strong arms. She felt safe with him. He would never hurt her. He always looked at her and her alone. She let her entire being melt with his. Entwine into one with his. The world forgotten.

.

.

But now lying beside her lord, sobered her entire being, she felt like it had been pinned by guilt. All he had ever done for her was give while she took without restriction and asked for more.

What had she done?

How could she use him like that? He was the only being in the entire world that would give her unconditional love. And she used him to ease her pain without considering the consequences. Without thinking of his feelings.

She wouldn't go back to her fiancé. She couldn't. Not after what happened last night with her lord. She had had enough of him flirting with other girls anyway. He did not change and he never would. She had been hurt enough. No matter how much she loved him, she could not give her heart to him to step on over and over again. Her heart was not that strong.

Her only guilt was to her lord. The only person who accepted her without question and yet her heart belonged to another man. Still...

She had loved and respected her lord, but…

How would she face Sesshomaru from now on? She wanted things to go back to the way they were before. Being his little girl and not a woman.

The gentler he was to her, the more suffocated she felt. The more protective his arms held her, the more she wanted to break free. His low musical voice made her entire being quiver with shame. She couldn't stand being in his presence any longer.

How could it turn out like this? Why did she have to be so selfish? Even now all she could think of was herself. How could she be craving for another man's love when she was with this perfect individual? Since when did her lord's warm embrace become poison? She had to get away. She had to get away.

.

.

And get away she did. He let her, spoiled her just like always. Even with this unreasonable one.

.

She would not see him again, and he would never come back.

Her heart ached.

Pain in his eyes.

She didn't want to leave him, but she could not stand being with him.

She left.

He disappeared.

XXXXXXXX

.

She could not pretend that nothing had happened between her and her lord. She returned to the village finding the very man she loved begging for forgiveness, not for the first time.

She did what she always did, she forgave him.

But she didn't take him back. She couldn't. She wouldn't.

She no longer had the heart to. She told him the truth with an emotionless face, "I'm no longer the pure innocent girl you knew. I have been with a man."

His eyes widened in disbelief, he dropped to his knees, letting go of her hands, his face to the ground.

Yes, that was the same feelings she had always felt.

Hopeless.

Hurt.

Desperate.

The feeling that felt like the ground was tearing apart, the earth crumbling but there was nowhere to run to.

Some other time it would have been a good picture to see, or her heart would ache, broken, to see the man she loved with agony on his face. But she didn't feel anything. No remorse, no love, no regret, nothing.

Not even when she saw his tears now for the first time. She didn't feel anything for the man. Not anymore.

"I forgive you," he told her. Willing to take everything and whatever was left of her and start over.

I did not ask for forgiveness.

She didn't need it. Her love for this man was frozen.

Funny! She didn't feel anything for the man in front of her anymore. She didn't need his love. Didn't want him. He was just a man. And a man he stayed.

XXXX

Time passed. She moved on. She didn't have the desire to find new love. She didn't need to. Her heart couldn't love.

Her ex-fiance married another girl a month after the accident, but Rin did not bat an eyelash.

Her lord had no longer come to visit her. However, she found herself looking at the edge of the forest, too often, hoping a tall white figure would emerge into sight. She spent most of her free time in places with memories she had shared with him. She did not know how empty her life could be without him. It had been three years.

She knew she had no right, but she had been thinking of him more and more. So much so that she had to find activities that would make her work herself to the bone to distract her mind from him.

The night she spent with Sesshomaru replayed itself over and over in her mind, in her dreams. Each time it felt warmer, comforting, more real, and clearer, as if he were still there. She found herself yearning for his touch, his warmth, and his presence. So much so that she thought she was going to break.

But all she found was emptiness.

And then she laughed at herself, tears were streaming down her face. She was such a fool! How could she not realize that she had been in love with Sesshomaru all this time?

And she let him go.

She wailed her heart out. For the first time in three years, she cried alone to her heart's content.

.

post after betaed, May 19, 2013 ch. 1-4