A/N Yeah, I know, it's late. Shame on me. I'm a combination of lazy and busy, I've had exams to study for and the suchlike. Oh, well. Maybe we can call it a New Year Special instead?

Merry Christmas + New Year, all! Love xx

"MERRY CHRIST – Mmph!" Tobi's mouth was promptly covered with a cushion by Konan.

"Ssh," she whispered. "Leader was at a party last night. He's hung over."

"Oh... okay." Tobi lowered his voice and looked around. He was late down for breakfast on this particular Christmas morning, for reasons which may or may not have involved a llama, a duck, an orange, a rake and a murder mystery. "Whose party?"

"He didn't say. He just said he'd de-spleen the next person to make a noise."

"Hey, Tobi!" Tei stuck her head around the door; very little of her could be detected, as she was wearing an outfit made entirely of tinsel. "There's a present for you here!" She dragged in a huge box, wrapped up in sparkling gold paper and tied with a red bow. Tobi stared.

"What is it?"

"I dunno, but when we dropped it it said 'ow'," Rei said, following Tei into the room. Her dress had the same principles as Tei's, but with much less tinsel. "Which reminds me, there's a parcel for Hidan too."

"Bah, humbug..." Hidan growled. He was sulking in a corner.

"Christmas, a humbug?" Deidara exclaimed. "Surely not!"

"Quiet," Konan whispered, with a glance at the wall, on the other side of which slept Leader. Tobi tried to pick up the huge box, failed, and shook it. A small screech and a faint 'oomph' were heard from within.

"Christmas, charity, festive cheer... what are you wearing?"

Deidara looked down at himself, sighing. He was wearing a large, loose white shirt and trousers, small feather fairy wings strapped to his back, and perched in his loose hair was Konan's silver halo. "I lost a bet..."

"What bet?"

"We were trying to guess how many coffees it would take for Itachi to start twitching."

"... How many was it?"

"I don't know, we gave up after eight days."

"... Where is Itachi?"

"Over there." 'Over there' was under the Christmas tree, where the Uchiha prodigy was napping. Someone had put a bow in his hair. Staring, Hidan was caught by surprise when Rei threw the package at him. Tobi, meanwhile, was prodding his giant box.

"Open it, will you?" Hidan looked with uncertainty at the insult to his religion. And then, suddenly, memories came back to him in a flash. The tiny, four-year-old Hidan watching other children skipping merrily by him with their presents, whilst because of his faith, Hidan had none. Staring in through windows at the jolly meals of others, waiting in vain for the sound of Santa's sleigh-bells... going out into the woods when he was older, catching a reindeer and slowly torturing it, frustrated beyond measure when it refused to reveal the whereabouts of the jolly fat man that had always so cruelly forgotten him...

Tears flooded his eyes. He brushed them away angrily, then threw caution to the wind and ripped the wrapping away from the present. And laying inside, nestling in a case of red velvet, was...

"Oh... my... GOD!" Konan flung a pillow in time to muffle his exclamation, but it still made them cringe and look nervously at Leader's wall. "This is... it's... it's the Mark Two!" It looked almost exactly like his other scythe, only with tiny, fancy red writing on one blade declaring proudly: 'Mark Two'. "I'd die for one of these! It's, like, a million times better than the Mark One!" He hugged it, face lighting up with glee. Then he looked worried. "It's not... um... this Christmas thing, it's not really... religious, is it? I mean, really?"

"Well, it kind of is, but..." Hidan looked distraught. Kisame smiled warmly and put an arm around Hidan's shoulders. "If it doesn't actually say Christmas, then it's not really a Christmas present, is it? It's just a gift that happens to be given on a day that happens by co-incidence to also be a festival of some heathen religion which doesn't matter, right?" Hidan nodded, wide-eyed. "So Jashin won't really mind. Oh, look at this!" He picked up a tag which had been on the parcel's wrapping.

Merry non-denominational midwinter festival that has absolutely nothing to do with Christmas.

-Kakuzu

"See? It even says it's nothing to do with the aforementioned heathen ritual." Hidan grinned. "Now, Kakuzu's still in bed. Why don't you take this bucket of ice here and go thank him?" Hidan skipped off merrily, embracing his Scythe Mark Two. "Hey, is that a..." He picked up something else. "My God, it comes with a safety manual?"

Sasori snatched it off him and read aloud, "'Warning: irresponsible use may or may not lead to the injury of yourself or others. Please use responsibly.' What the hell?"

"Tobi wants to open his present!" Tobi whined.

"Who's it from?" Tei asked, opening a beer.

"Um, it's from Mr. A. Nonymous," Tobi said, checking the tag. The girls exchanged uneasy glances, and stepped away as Tobi ripped off the ribbons, paper and then lid of the box. And out popped...

A rather confused, sickly-pale boy in a belly shirt, short black hair mussed. There was a note pinned to his forehead protector.

Merry Christmas Tobi, from all your secret informants in Konoha! We didn't know what to get you, then we thought maybe you might like a friend, so we got you one! His name is Sai. He eats fresh vegetables and must be taken for walkies at least twice daily.

All Hail Xoxox

"Wow, Tobi..." Sasori muttered, reading the note. "They got you a friend."

"YAY!" Tobi grabbed Sai and dragged him out of the box.

"Um... I don't know where I am," Sai said. "And there's a rabid squirrel in that box."

Just as he mentioned it, the small creature, dark grey and foaming at the mouth, dashed out, only to be caught in mid-air by Rei. "Mr. Squiff-Squiff! I've been looking for you! How on Earth did you get to Konoha all by yourself?" She hugged the snarling creature fondly. "Mommy missed you, yes she did!"

"Hey, isn't that guy a shinobi of Konoha?" Sasori asked. He looked around. "And where are the rest of us?"

"Rimu's still in bed, Zetsu's sulking because he has a moral objection to Christmas trees, and Anno ran away," Kisame said.

"Ran away?"

"Yeah. Left a teary note about how he was sick of being ignored and downtrodden and under-appreciated and he hates us all and he's going to Konoha to sell all our secrets and live a happy, guilt-free life because he's ready to atone for his crimes and doesn't care if the ANBU kill us."

"Shouldn't we... go after him?"

"Nah, he'll come back when he's hungry."

Tobi was fawning all over Sai, adorning him with various scraps of tinsel and table-cloth, whilst Sai sat with a vaguely happy expression on his face, glad to have suddenly made a friend. There was a shy, hesitant knock on the door, and Anno slunk in, then glared up at Sasori, defiant.

"I... this doesn't mean I've forgiven you! All of you! One day you'll be sorry!"

Rei put a hand on his shoulder and hushed him soothingly. "Of course it doesn't, my dear little hedgehog. Go put the kettle on."

Poor little Anno... I've actually finished "Akatsuki Alphabet", I'm just in the process of typing it up, and I've done the (very long) first chapter of "What Really Happened When the Akatsuki Attempted to Invade Konoha", for which I'm also seeking a new (shorter) title.

Merry Christmas again! Me love you big lots!