The Texas Chainsaw Misjudgment
'Sometimes I just think to myself, "Gee, they could just kill him if they had a gun... and bothered to use it!" These horror movies today... no common sense.'
Geoffrey Redsun
'Honestly, why do people NEVER look up? Or check the backseat for that matter? Seems like they look everywhere BUT where Mr. Big Scary Killer is hiding. Drives me nuts!'
Neo Redsun
'I really don't get what people find so scary and suspenseful about these movies. This is normally how I spend my weekends. Though I'm usually the one doing the chasing.'
Kautounie Redsun
TTCM~ TTCM~TTCM~TTCM~TTCM~TTCM~
Secluded in a dark, desolate place, a massive, lone figure examined is latest handiwork, which haphazardly lay on his wooden worktable that some may refer to as a butcher's block. Chains and meat hooks hung from the ceiling and the constant dripping of water from leaky pipes under the enormous house was evident by not only the noise, but the near ankle deep puddles accumulating on the earthen floor, the largest of which was by the rickety, wooden stairs leading up to the normal living areas... well, as normal as the Hewitt household could get.
While most of the family could pull off a nice false front, there was a reason the family butcher, a beast of a man called Thomas, tended to reside in the basement alone. A social outcast if ever there was one, he served as the attack dog of the family and had a disturbing aptitude for taking and wearing the faces of those unlucky enough to become acquainted with his chainsaw, earning him the nickname "Leatherface".
Another day, another poor sap to chop up for the cooking pot. The behemoth grinned beneath his crudely stitched together mask of human skin, glancing to the grimy bathtub nearby that was filled with his latest kill's blood. Over a dirty, button shirt and loose necktie, he wore a long, heavy leather apron caked in old and recent bloodstains. Long strands of partially matted black hair hung over his face and reached his shoulders. A large chainsaw, covered in fresh blood and bits of flesh rested on a nearby counter, having already tasted blood earlier that day. From up above, Thomas could hear the rest of his family milling about, preparing to go about with their everyday lives.
His Uncle, formally known as Charlie but who now insisted that everyone refer to him as "Sheriff Hoyt", would no doubt go out on patrol and trap unlucky drivers and bring them to this house of horrors. Luda Mae, Mamma to him, would send more clueless miscreants their way, and Uncle Monty... well, he'd do what he could to look after the house, at least the ground floor seeing as he no longer had his legs and had to get around via wheel chair. Yet every so often, the old cripple would trap fresh meat for Thomas to prepare. They were like a pack of wolves, plotting their strategy, each one knowing their part of the plan and working together as a team in order to put food on the table and throw the law off their scent. Most people with any sense would have moved out of Travis County long ago, but not the Hewitts. They refused to abandon their home and turned to less conventional, but effective, methods of survival.
Grunting animalistically, Thomas returned to his work, hacking apart the mound of flesh in front of him with a meat cleaver. The 'fun' part, involving the chainsaw, had already been done. Halfway through, he paused, hearing commotion upstairs and Mamma opening the front door. Eager and excited, Thomas set down the blade and listened, running his hand over the handle of his beloved chainsaw. More fresh meat willingly delivering itself to them? It wouldn't be the first time. Must be their lucky day! Surprisingly quiet for a being of his mass, the great brute slunk around, following the noise and voices up above him and trying to get a look through any of the many peepholes he had access too. He couldn't wait to hear Mamma and his uncles call to him, letting him off his leash to give chase!
"Don't recall ever seein' anyone like ya round these parts," Luda Mae spoke, her voice slightly obscured by the dripping water and creak of old, wooden floors, "What brings ya three all the way out here?"
"We are so sorry to intrude on you like this, ma'am, but our car broke down a few miles back,"
The voice sounded like it belonged to a teenage or young adult male.
"Would there be any chance that we might borrow your phone or if you could point us in the right direction to where we might get some help?" pleaded the second, definitely a female teenager.
"Please? My brother, sister, and I were on our way to visit our Aunt Maude."
The third was also female, but considerably younger. Thomas grunted, trying to get a better vantage point. He knew Mamma didn't like slaughtering the youngin's, but depending on how things went, they might not have a choice. If she refused to become part of the family, then her fate was sealed.
"Hell Ma, I see no reason why we can't help out some stranded kids, hell I'll even give ya a lift back to yer car myself." Sheriff Hoyt offered.
"Why don't ya'll just come on in, make your call, and have a nice cup of tea." Luda Mae offered, "Maybe ya'll could... even stay for lunch."
From his various spy holes hidden throughout the floors and walls of the mansion, Thomas was able to make out a handsome boy with long, messy onyx hair, nicer then his own, wearing a black t-shirt, cargo pants, combat boots, and cowboy hat. He'd need to get a better look at the boy's face and skin once the hunt started, but already the brute was planning to add it to his morbid collection. The boy had several markings on his arms that he could see. Tattoos. Thomas rather enjoyed those unique, decorative designs inked into flesh. They looked beautiful pinned up on his basement wall. The older of the two girls simply wore a white tank top, a pink plaid miniskirt, and carried a duffel bag over her shoulder. For some odd reason, both she and the younger one had partially colored their rich, brown hair pink as well, keeping it tied up neatly in ponytails. Exotic and different, Thomas would gladly keep those as trophies too. As for the youngest of the group, she nearly looked like a miniature mirror image of her older sister.
"You would?! Oh, you are too sweet." commented the older sister.
"Now how could I refuse an offer like that?" the boy's voice carried.
"Must be that Southern hospitality I keep on hearing about." piped in the young one.
"Phone's in here!" Thomas could hear his Uncle Monty, currently out of his sight, practically growl.
He watched for as long as he could, while the older, plump, gray-haired form of his Mamma led the boy and his little sister towards the kitchen with his Uncle Hoyt, dressed in the uniform he had stolen of the sheriff that he had murdered not to long ago, followed behind. The older girl left his line of sight to follow Uncle Monty towards the living room. Yet, something struck Thomas as being rather strange; before splitting up, the smallest one had muttered something to her two older siblings, who nodded in response. Not only that, he could have sworn that the boy not only spotted the peephole, but he looked right at him. No, no, that couldn't be right! Perhaps it was just his nerves making him think that, excitement for what was to come. They had been separated. Mamma would deal with the brother and younger sister easily enough, leaving just their lone sister alone and vulnerable.
Thomas made up his mind, following the sounds of footsteps above him to another one of his hidden spy holes, this one offering a partial view of the kitchen. Mamma would make their "guests" feel comfortable and mix them a very special batch of tea.
From what he could see, the young one was sitting at the wooden dining table, while her brother opted to stand and lean against one of the counters, one uncomfortably close to the door leading to the back yard where the clothes lines were set up. Although it was difficult to make out at first, Thomas concluded that Hoyt had grabbed himself a beer from the fridge and then placed himself near the door as well, just in case either one of them tried to make a run for it.
"Thank you so much for helping us out, Mrs. Hewitt." the boy said, his voice slightly muffled by the walls and the surrounding ambient noise in the basement.
"H-how do ya-?" Luda Mae questioned, "I-I don't recall... tellin' ya my name."
Come to think of it, how DID he know?! Thomas growled angrily, knowing that while it may have given away his position, these kids were going to be trouble!
"Oh, it was on the mailbox outside near the driveway. Spelled out Hewitt right across the top. Sorry if we just assumed..." explained the child, quickly but matter of factly while her brother nodded.
Okay, that would explain it. Thomas allowed himself to relax and continued observing.
Meanwhile, Hoyt just laughed, slapping his knee, "See there, Luda Mae? Observant, these here kids. They have good heads on their shoulders. Didn't think nobody ever paid attention no more!"
Both brother and sister laughed as well and even Luda Mae seemed to relax again as she handed both of her "guests" a cup before sitting down at the other end of the table.
"I wonder if Kautounie's done in there. How long does it take to make a phone call?" The boy muttered, glancing towards the kitchen entrance.
"Now don't you worry none, I'll save some tea for her too." Luda Mae insisted.
Kautounie? What a weird name. Probably came from a family of "New Age Hippies" or something similar. Thomas would often hear Uncle Hoyt ranting about them. Perhaps it would give him all the more pleasure when they met the cold, blood steel of his chainsaw!
"What's wrong deary, don't you like tea?" Luda Mae asked, with a note of false concern in her voice.
The little sister glanced to her older brother, who gave a barely noticeable nod. Once again, Thomas felt that familiar flutter of worry course through him. There was just something about these ones that didn't sit right with him. They were too calm and relaxed for people in their situation. Normally people their age were reluctant to set foot in their house and were nervous and fidgety. NOT these three, and he didn't like it. Something was wrong!
"I do enjoy tea, Mrs. Hewitt," the young girl spoke, before her tone took up a spooky growl to it, "It's just that I happen to be able to smell the copious amount of sleeping poison you've laced it with!"
That's when things became strange and violent really fast. From his small vantage point, Thomas couldn't make out exactly what had happened when the girl swept her teacup off the table and leaped up onto it with an animalistic snarl, but he could have sworn she had just... changed, and the scream Luda Mae let out was the final straw for Thomas. That was it! As fast as he could, Thomas charged for the stairs leading up into the house, pulling on the cord of his chainsaw until the monstrous machine roared to life with a vengeance. The noise drowned out Hoyt's shout of surprise, but not the shotgun blast Thomas heard that came from the living room. Uncle Monty usually carried a shotgun with him on his wheelchair! Did that other girl attack him?! Were they PLANNING this attack the whole time? Were they police or some other law enforcement? Regardless of whatever or whoever they were, his family was in danger!
Grunting furiously beneath his mask, Thomas ripped open the sliding steel door in the hallway, chainsaw revving obnoxiously loud as he looked around for any signs of those kids attempting to escape before rushing into the kitchen. At once, the mighty behemoth felt his heart tighten up and grief clench his very soul before pure, seething rage took over. There was Luda Mae, strewn out on the kitchen floor with her throat torn out, covered in claw marks and what looked like dog tracks in the pool of blood. Uncle Hoyt didn't even have time to reach for his sidearm before someone, more then likely the brother, stuck a knife in his throat, right in the jugular to make sure he had bled out quickly. An expression of absolute shock was permanently etched onto his weathered face.
The table was broken and overturned while the kitchen door was flung open; obviously those two fiends had fled! No matter, Thomas vowed that he would track down, capture, and torture them soon enough. His chest heaved with every intake of breath and an outraged snarl emanating from his throat rivaled the roar of his chainsaw. Before he could head out the door, an incredibly loud shout and another shotgun blast turned Thomas' attention away from the open door leading outside. In the span of a few short seconds, the gargantuan man could see a shadow moving in the hall. There stood the girl, the one called 'Kautounie'. She had an insufferable smirk on her face and her eyes seemed to glow an eerie amber from the shadows. In her hands, she held two matching short swords, coated with blood, and her duffel bag she was previously holding was no where to be seen.
"That guy back there, he was feisty but way too fucking easy. You one the other hand... Leatherface, YOU'RE the one I've been waiting for!" she shouted, before taking a fighting stance while squaring him up.
Thomas revved up his chainsaw once more, preparing to give chase. Normally, this was the part where any tough-talkers they encountered were forced to eat their words and run, or taste his chainsaw's cruel steel... most of the time both. But this crazy female began to close the distance, prepared to engage him in a fight!
"Cute makeup, there! Guess what?!" Kautounie snarled, her human guise melting away to reveal her true, brown-furred, wolf-like Zwetoock form, "I can wear other faces too!"
If he wasn't so infuriated, that little stunt she preformed might have actually scared Thomas, but not today. Right now, he was too angry to notice or care. The strange, furry creature let out a savage roar and positioned her blades to take the first impact of Leatherface's chainsaw. There was a look of excitement on her face, as if she had been waiting all week long to meet the brutal, cannibalistic killer. However, before she or Thomas Hewitt could clash their respective weapons, another loud gunshot rang through the air. Followed by another, and another, and another. Kautounie's determined gaze became a look of abject horror as she was sprayed with blood; not her own, but her opponent's! One final 'BANG' and the mighty Leatherface dropped to his knees with an anguished groan, then splayed out on the floor, chainsaw sputtering to a halt as it's master fell.
Standing behind the giant of a man was Kautounie's brother, Geoffrey, custom pistol in hand as he casually blew the smoke from the barrel. Beside him, also having dropped her human disguise, was Neo, her face and paw-like hands covered in thick, sticky blood.
"Well, that was easier then I was expecting!" Geoffrey mentioned, firing one last shot onto Leatherface's back for good measure.
"Looks like we got em' all." Neo noted.
Kautounie however... she didn't appear to share in her brother's and sister's post-victory pat on the back they were giving themselves. Nope, in fact, she was quite miffed! (To put it lightly.)
"Now what the FUCK did you do that for?!" she snarled.
Still glaring at her brother, the angry warrioress stomped forward, looking like she was about to start pouting, "I wanted to challenge him!"
"My way was easier. Besides, between your trash talking and the obnoxious revving of that damn chainsaw, well, it was starting to hurt my ears." Geoffrey shrugged, tucking his gun in the holster concealed behind his back before ripping his knife out of Hoyt's neck.
While Kautounie gave a low, angry growl, she softened her expression when her little sister approached, calmly stepping over the bodies littering the floor and licking the blood off of her hands.
"There will be others, sis. This is just one. I know sometimes Geoffrey thinks he knows everything." Neo sighed, sympathetically patting Kautounie's arm.
Letting Neo's words soothe her sore feelings about having her epic battle snatched out from under her, she simply settled for hacking away at Thomas' neck, taking his head, flesh mask and all, in two strokes.
"What was that for?" Geoffrey questioned, "I put five fucking bullets in his back!"
"Well I saw him twitch!" his sister countered, with a growl, "Besides, I know how these things work. Somehow, inexplicably, they always somehow manage to get right back up even after they appear dead and start at it again!"
"And spawn anywhere from two to eight sequels of varying quality... depending. I blame poor writing, personally." Neo added, with a nod.
"Exactly what Neo said. He'll have a hell of a lot harder time doing that without a head!" Kautounie snorted.
Even Geoffrey couldn't argue with that. With the job finished, it was time to clear out before anyone became too curious. However, before the small band of assassins left, Kautounie drove her blades into the fallen giant's flesh for a moment while she picked up the dirty chainsaw and admired it. Curiously, Neo ran her finger along the still warm blade, then licked the bits of tacky blood and flesh off of it.
"What?" she asked, as Geoffrey rolled his eyes, "It isn't cannibalism when I do it."
"You know, clean it up a bit and that thing would look nice hanging on my basement wall, right above the kitchen." Geoffrey mentioned.
"Back off, Buster! THIS is MINE!" Kautounie declared, firmly, before shifting it to rest on her shoulder and grabbed her two swords by the hilt, "Hmph, anyways, how'd you make out Sheriff Woody and Granny here?" she asked.
Geoffrey just snorted out a laugh. Hoyt was easy enough to spot as a phony. ANY Law Enforcement that offered to drive you somewhere then began drinking was either incredibly stupid or up to no good.
"Might have had something to do with the booze hound obviously playing pretend and the fact that the sweet, silver haired elderly angel there tried to drug us!" Neo stated, pointing to the bodies of Hoyt and Luda Mae respectively.
"Hmph, the entire lot of them were a bunch of sick cretins! Trapping and baiting other people so that they could eat them. That old guy in the wheelchair wouldn't take his eyes off of me. Couldn't tell if he liked my ass or was imagining me with an apple in my mouth. Then he tried to shoot me with his shotgun. You know, it takes special skill to miss with something like that." Kautounie snickered, "Eh, world's better off without them."
The siblings all shared a collective sigh together, glancing around the ruined kitchen and the mangled bodies decorating it. Come to think of it, the job was over sooner then they thought it'd be.
"So... what now?"
At Geoffrey's inquiry, Neo blurted out the first thing that came to mind, "Lunch?"
Finally! Something they could all agree on. Both Geoffrey and his sister nodded in agreement. Without even looking over her shoulder, Neo flicked her hand, causing the kitchen door to slam close all on it's own. Meanwhile, Geoffrey picked up Leatherface's severed head by the long, greasy black hair while Kautounie sauntered off with her prize, back towards the living room. None of them paid any mind to Monty's slashed up body in the overturned wheelchair, nope! They were far too busy loading up their duffel back with their weapons, those they brought with them and decided to take, and discussing what they should get to eat.
"Hey! We're in Texas. Isn't Texas supposed to have fantastic barbeque?" Neo asked.
"I could really go for some ribs and brisket, I'll tell you. Sounds delightful." Kautounie practically drooled, "Slathered in that sweet, tangy sauce. Yum!"
She handed her brother the bag, still keeping her chainsaw trophy firmly in hand as the three of them took one last look around the old mansion before filing out the front door and into the sweltering heat outside.
"We really ought to come out here more often. Even if it's just for a bite." Geoffrey mentioned.
While his sisters were still chattering away excitedly, the one human of their odd little group took a look over his shoulder, silting his head curiously. Shrugging, he flashed a cocky smile.
"What? Were you expecting something more epic? That's it..."
"Geoffrey? Who are you talking too?" Neo called out.
"Hmmmm, no one in particular." Geoffrey answered, "Let's go visit our Aunt Maude!"
And with that, he simply closed the door, following his sisters down the dirt and gravel driveway to the road and walked a little ways to where Geoffrey's 1973 black Dodge Charger was concealed under some bushes and grass. Funny thing... it started up just fine!
::The End...or is it?::
Author's Notes:: Okay. So unlike Jason Voorhees or Freddy Krueger, Leatherface isn't some sort of supernatural entity or immortal undead. He and his family ARE mortal humans! It's just that Thomas Hewitt is an incredibly BIG human with some disturbing hobbies. (Yes, I like the Thomas Hewitt Leatherface better than Bubba Sawyer... bite me!) So I figured that it would be fun for the tight knit family of cannibals to have a run-in with my three dimension/planet hopping assassins! (Now, if you've read In your Nightmares and/or Dream Weavers, you'd know who/what these guys are!)
This was done purely as a parody and it's meant to be self aware, (even a little fourth wall break at the end!) These people are used to dealing with unprepared teens and twenty somethings that they bait and sucker in, NOT trained killers! I got the main idea for this, mainly thinking about how Kautounie, who loves challenging strong opponents, would jump at the chance to fight someone like Leatherface, only to have her logically minded gun-nut brother spoil her little fantasy. Neo meanwhile, is the voice of reason and restores order, after all, barbecue is delicious!
The other inspiration is just... how many people in horror movies, when they DO get a weapon... DON'T TAKE ADVANTAGE OF IT! How many problems could have been solved if they just shot the bastard and be done with it. Now this isn't true for EVERY horror movie, but there are a lot where people do the most inexplicable and stupid things.
Anyways, hope you got at least a few laughs out of this. It was fun to scribble up. Read/Review or PM me. A teaser for my next potential project, it'll include a slightly older Blake McCormick (For those unfamiliar, see Guardian Angels,) and everyone's favorite Dream Demon, Freddy Krueger! Thoughts?
BTW, "Aunt Maude" was a rouse I borrowed from a very old but enjoyable TV series, Wild, Wild West. (The Actual show, NOT the movie. *cringes*)
Disclaimer:: I do not claim to own The Texas Chainsaw Massacre or any of it's characters. This is strictly just for the fun of it. Kautounie, Neo, and Geoffrey DO however belong to me.