Cornelius Fudge: Minister of Morons?

By: Luna Tastically Isosceles-Carrot Lovegood

I hope today finds you well, fellow Quibblers! It wandered away from me while I was out picking Dirigible Plums, and it took absolutely forever to relocate it… rather averse to being caught and held down, days are (for more on this, the new Quibbler Labs Patented Day Catching Net, and a picture of Harry Potter in the shower, see Page 3).

As you are no doubt aware, the past week saw two shocking bits of news brought to light: first, Teen Witch Weekly's 1952 "Dreamiest Half-Blood", famed character actor Tom Marvolo Riddle, has re-emerged from hiding, bringing back his much-maligned – but perhaps best known – character, the Dark Lord Voldemort. And so it seems that, after nearly a year of Minister Fudge denying the return as "an impossibility" – despite the insistence of Teen Witch Weekly's "Dreamiest Half-Blood" of the past two years, Mr Harry James Potter – Mr Riddle has, indeed, brought his most sinister character back to life.

Sadly, what was no doubt meant to be a reveal full of glitz and glamour turned into tragedy, as the radically obsessive fans of the Voldemort character, the so-called "Death Eaters" chose to make themselves known as well (for a brief history of the frequently Imperiused acting troupe known as The Death Eaters, and their slow descent into insanity, see page 5). Their return heralded our second shock of the week, as well-known Sirius Black impersonator and former Hobgoblins frontman Stubby Boardman, who was invited to the big reveal, met his end by way of Assault with a Deadly Curtain.

"But who could be so cruel as to weaponise drapery?" you ask? Why, it was none other than Teen Witch Weekly's 1967 "Summer of Love Pure-Blood Stunner" and recent Azkaban escapee, Ms Bellatrix LeStrange! The former Miss Black, well known to harbour ill will towards Mr Boardman for his spot-on impersonation of her cousin, showed us that her wandwork is still quite "stunning", blasting Mr Boardman through the Department of Mysteries' "One-Way Portal of Funny Whispers" with a well-placed Stupefy.

Evidently a huge Hobgoblins fan, Mr Harry Potter has sworn vengeance upon the former beauty queen, stating, "For the last bloody time, Luna, that was Sirius Black! He was my godfather! I swear I'll kill that bitch, and that traitor rat, too! Now come back to bed! Are you writing this down?! Stop that!"

So how did things go so very wrong? Who was responsible? Well, my fine Quibbling friends, as the only member of the press invited to the big event, it was incumbent upon me, your intrepid moon-kissed reporter, to find out.

And so today, I set off to the Ministry for Magic, intent on asking Minister Fudge the pertinent questions: Why did he remove the Ministry's security Heliopaths prior to this week's big event? Why were the concerns of Mr Riddle's previous and current press agents, Messrs Dumbledore and Potter, treated with such disdain? Why did the Wizengamot recently allow "Professor" Severus Snape (Teen Witch Weekly's 1974 "Potioneer We'd Never Shag") to sell the formula for his most sinister creation – the only potion ever banned by Universal ICW Decree – to a Muggle soft drink company? Why are earlobes hairy? What is love? (The Unspeakables know, but they're not saying! See page Ÿ for more.) And finally, why is Teen Witch Weekly still allowed to announce the winners of their readers' polls, when winning obviously causes insanity? (Sorry, Harry, you're as cute as a dimpled rutabaga, but we both know you're not… all there, right?)

As you might imagine, getting these answers was rather like pulling teeth – in that it's rather pointless to do without the proper tools, lest you desire damp fingers and strained muscles – but fear not, Quibblings! As you well know, Luna T.I.C. Lovegood always gets the scoop!

[Interview Below the Fold]

LL: "Excuse me, Minister Fudge, can you spare a minute?"

CF: "Wha?! Who are you? Why are you in my bedchamber? I've told Lucius time and again to send you ladies to my office!"

LL: "I tried your office, Minister, and was told that you were expecting me for your interview today. I'm from – "

CF: "Ah, yes, the reporter from The Prophet. Of course, you are… Lucius would never send me someone so… ah, well… never mind that. How can I help you today, Miss – ?"

LL: "Yes, I am."

CF: "Erm. Right."

[Here the Minister pauses, fixing me with an expectant look. But I will not be intimidated by a show of political force! I expertly raise an eyebrow and cutely dimple one cheek. The Minister breaks first, babbling rapidly.]

CF: "So, for today's piece, I need you to make me look courageous! Working behind the scenes to combat Lord… (indistinct mumble)… you know, taking the public's mind off it with all these Potter and Dumbledore stories…"

[Here, the Minister begins muttering, as though to himself… but he gives no indication his words are off the record, so I record them diligently.]

CF: "I'll have to apologise to them… take them in hand… an Order of Merlin for volunteering to be a distraction while the Ministry bolsters its forces behind the scenes. Second Class, of course. Can't have a half-blood winning First Class… Lucius would throw a fit!"

LL: "Very good, Minister. Do you mind if I ask you some questions? To fill out the piece, of course."

CF: "Certainly, Miss – ?"

LL: "Yes, I assure you."

[Again, the Minister fixes me with an expectant stare – but I know my breasts have developed quite satisfactorily in the last year, and I refuse to crack. No mere politician will have me doubting my femininity!]

[Indeed, as I stretch languidly and return the Minister's look with even greater intensity, I catch a flash of uncertainty in his eyes. Clearly flustered at having been beaten twice at his own game, the Minister sighs, and indicates that I may move on with my questions.]

LL: "Minotaur Fudge, what do you have to say to our readers regarding last week's attack on the Ministry? Especially given the recent rise in Ministry taxes for security purposes? Where were the Ministry's security Heli-"

CF: "Right, right. Well, you see, my dear Miss…"

[The minister gives me a desperate, searching look, but a quick smile and bounce confirms the man's suspicions.]

CF: "…Miss. What few know is that the Ministry's security forces need the occasional downtime, and as such, we allow a full week off starting the last day of OWL and NEWT exams… this is, you understand, a well-guarded secret, but I'm sure you can come up with something suitably understandable for our readership!" [The Minister slides me a stack of galleons, with a wink and a suggestive smile.]

LL: "Of course, Minestrone, I fully understand. They needed to recharge, in order to better shine their light on the ills of society!" (For more on Heliopath recharge cycles, see Page €.)

CF: "Quite so, my dear Miss… well. Quite so."

LL: "Moving right along, then… Let's talk about the return of the infamous Lord Voldemort character. Considering the rather large event in question, I have to ask… why was Mr Potter's announcement so thoroughly ignored?"

[Clearly a fan of Mr Riddle's character, the Minster gives the traditional shudder-and-shriek when I mention the Voldemort persona, before reaching behind his desk and showing me an entire Muggle briefcase full of galleons, which he then slides across to me.]

CF: "Understanding that this will not be mentioned in The Prophet…"

LL: "Certainly NOT!"

CF: "Thank you, my dear. You see, my dear friend, Mr Lucius Malfoy, has been keeping my pockets lined for years and years, all the while assuring me that Lord *ahem* could not possibly return. Of course, given his long-term exposure to the Imperius Curse, I really ought to have suspected that he'd be rather dim-witted, but as they say, galleons gab!"

LL: "Ah, I see. A Pavlovian conditioning, Minister Clunge? A bit of gold, paired with an assurance, and over time, the assurance becomes so linked to the gold you desire, that its antithesis cannot possibly be true?"

CF: "Well, yesss… you swear this won't appear in The Prophet?"

LL: "I swear it on my very Magic, Minitard."

CF: [Sighs gustily]: "Whew. You know, it's a great relief to finally be able to share the pressures of the office with someone who isn't trying to ruin me. It is SO HARD to keep track, you know? Malfoy pays me to deny Black's innocence and Lord… What's It's return… MacNair pays me to try to get Muggles classified as beasts and cover up his goblin-pie business (so tasty...) and Dolores is always trying to convince me to leave my wife… for the children, she says… it's all so very tiring. If it weren't for the gold, this would be the least rewarding job in all of Great Britain!"

[Here, the idio- ah… Minister breaks down crying. Being the sweet, fluffy Snorkack that I am, I offer him a tummy rub, and a gentle "There, there".]

CF: [Sniffling]: "Thank you, Miss. You're very kind. I wish Lucius would hire me girls like you, instead of the seedy Knockturn Alley tramps and Narcissa."

LL: [Wo-manfully swallowing her bile]: "Oh, well… I'm afraid I rather prefer green eyes, you see."

CF: [Chuckling]: "Just my luck! Well, if you ever change your mind…"

[Feeling rather nauseated, I remove my hand from the Minister's belly and hasten back to my seat. Dirty, dirty Nargle! While pleased to see his confusion over whether or not I am female has abated, the man has no tact! A tummy rub is not the time for cheap come-ons! Well... unless you have nipple-tingling green eyes and are currently reading over my shoulder. Hi Harry!]

LL: "Well, then, Coronach… just a few more questions, if you don't mind?"

CF: [Winks]: "Of course, my dear, of course."

LL: [Shudders]: "Ulp. Ahh… where was I? Oh yes, regarding Snivellus Snape…"

CF: "Oh, yes, his Patented Potter Poison. Curious name for a potion… and who would have thought that a formula that was designed to turn all weeds into lilies would have the side-effect of making all black-haired, bespectacled wizards hate women with red hair? That poor, poor Weatherby lass. She must be heartbroken."

LL: "And the rumours of its sales to Muggles? It is, after all, banned by global ICW decree!"

CF: "Well, it's hardly our fault the formula leaked out! And it's not like the 90% loss of brain function is noticeable… they're Muggles, after all! Though why they'd drink it… I mean, it's got electrolytes in it! Don't they know that that's what plants crave?"

LL: "I see… and the rumours that this is a plot by Lord Vol-"

CF: [Performs the Voldemort Fan Club Shudder]: "Pure poppycock, of course. Brawndo (and that is a FAR better name… Patented Potter Poison! What was that man thinking?) is simply being misused by misguided Muggles!"

[Suddenly, the fireplace flares bright green, and a head pokes through the Floo. The Minister's secretary begins hailing the Waffle-headed Dingbat, announcing Rita Skeeter's arrival at his office.]

CF: "Rita?! But the reporter is already…"

[The jig is up! With a quick dotting of I's and crossing of T's, your intrepid report finishes her notes and tucks them away.]

LL: "Well, Coniferous Flange, it has been a pleasure. Toodles!

With a wide grin, I perform the Cheshire Fade (for more information on this secret transportation technique, see Page ¶), leaving only a tinkling laugh and a ghost of a smile as I drift back to Quibbler Headquarters.

And there you have it, my dear, dear Quibblets! The truth about the Minister, your taxes, and our on-going poisoning of Muggles, straight from the Muffle-faced Butt-sniffer's mouth! Until next time, I have been (and intend to continue being) Luna T.I.C. Lovegood, Reporter Extraordinaire!

…oh, poo. I forgot to ask about the ear hair again! Eep! Harry! That tickles!