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Random Adventure in Babysitting

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"I don't know why you had to have ME of all people help you baby sit YOUR kids..."

"Because," Zim answered simply, lifting up his crying twins one by one and placing them beside each other on the couch. "I figured since Tak is hanging out with Gaz because she wanted 'me' time, that I might as well have you over because you're Gaz's brother and my friend."

The last part of the sentence caught Dib off guard momentarily, but once he was sure of what he had heard, he smiled. "Awwww, that's so nice of-"

The crying from the two smeets escalated. "Yeah, yeah," Zim waved Dib off with his hand. "Just shut up and help me with these two!"

"They're YOUR kids!" Dib protested.

"I'm well aware but I have NO idea what to do! Have any bright ideas, big head?" The alien retorted back, intently watching his two crying smeets as he tried to figure out what was causing them to cry and why. They had tried rocking the two back to sleep, feeding them any food they could get their hands on, singing to them, distracting them, exc... Nothing seemed to work.

"My head is NOT big!"

The crying swelled and grew louder.

"Your yelling is scaring them!" Zim shouted, giving Dib a harsh shove.

Instead of responding to the negative outburst from Zim, Dib sniffed the air instinctively, and his face immediately contorted with disgust. "No, I think they're scared of what's in their diapers."

"Huh?"

Dib covered his nose, watching the two crying smeets before him. "Their diapers. They need changing."

"..."

Rolling his eyes, Dib lifted up Zim's tiny, crying son and held him up in front of Zim. "Sniff."

"What?"

"SNIFF THE BUTT."

A bit hesitant, Zim leaned in, taking a small sniff. One small sniff was all it took for Zim to full-on gag until he was on the floor, writhing and choking from the horrible stench emanating from his smeets' stinky butts.

"Yeah," Dib sighed, staring down at Zim. "It stinks. But do you have to be so damn over-dramatic?"

"Okay..." Zim walked over, pulling on his gloves and adjusting his face mask. "I'm all set."

Dib stared at him with wide eyes. "What the hell, Zim? How come I didn't get gloves or a face mask? I'm helping you change your smeets' stinky butts, aren't I? Don't I deserve some facial protection from the stink?"

Zim only shook his head, chuckling. "Oh, Dib... Silly, silly Dib..."

"Whaaaaaat?" Dib groaned, irritated and not willing to put up with Zim's comments at the moment.

"Didn't you know? The father ALWAYS gets the emergency gloves and mask when changing diapers!"

"So, I'm guessing-"

"Nope I don't have one for you: SORRY!" Zim responded quickly, skipping over towards Dib and sitting beside him. The two men now sat over the two crying smeets both lying on identical changing mats before them.

One accidental sniff of the air caused Dib to quickly push the mountain of baby changing supplies toward Zim's direction. "They're YOUR kids, so YOU'RE going to change them!" He sat back, calmly crossing his arms over his chest. "I'm just going to turn away in disgust."

Zim threw his hands up in defeat. "FINE! Whatever. They're my smeets anyway..."

"That's what I said..."

"SHUT UP AND LET ME CHANGE THESE DIAPERS-" He paused, letting out a calm breath, "...In peace..." He decided to change his daughter's diaper first, hesitantly removing the diaper with caution.

"In your case that's a loooooong shot," Dib quipped, turning away as Zim, after a few moments of hesitant diaper-removing, successfully removed the diaper from the fussing little girl. The stench became overwhelming, and as Dib doubled over, gagging and choking, he was surprised that Zim wasn't reacting the same, until he remembered that Zim had a mask on to protect him from the stink. For a split second he glanced over, hoping it was done, but what he saw in the now removed diaper as Zim closed it up and put it to the side, that the surprise inside... Was a color he hadn't expected to see...

...So his reaction was immediate. "OH MY GOD, IS HER SHIT BLUE?"

As he used a baby wipe to clean up the first smeet, Zim cringed at the sudden outburst from the human beside him. "What are you screaming about, Dib-Stink?"

"Speaking of stink: WHY THE FUCK IS THAT SHIT IN THE DIAPER BLUE?" Dib pointed at the closed up diaper beside Zim. "I just saw what was inside!"

"Yeah, so?"

"It was BLUE!"

"If you're implying that Irkens have a different excretion color than humans, then YES: It IS blue," the Irken answered simply, placing the soiled baby wipe over the use diaper before bringing out a fresh new diaper. His daughter's crying ceased, now replaced with a happy cooing. So to distract himself from Dib's ramblings, Zim played along with the smeet as he placed the fresh diaper on her, making her laugh by making funny faces and silly noises.

"That is GROSS!" Dib gagged aloud, "BLUE shit? BLUE?"

"Humans' excretions are brown and you don't hear me complaining!" Zim retorted, not turning to face the now pale human beside him. After a moment, the changing process for the first smeet was complete. Zim smiled, leaning back. "There! All done." He gave his baby girl a tickle on her belly, causing another outburst of giggles from the tiny, magenta-eyed smeet.

"Good, now hurry up and finish so I can figure out HOW blue shit exists in this universe!"

Zim rolled his eyes, moving over toward his still-crying son who lied on a separate mat beside his now content twin sister. "You'd be surprised, Dib: A lot of alien excretions come in a variety of colors."

Dib only stared at him. "I won't be eating for the next couple of weeks. Thanks for the imagery."

"You're welcome." Zim went to work on removing his crying son's diaper, now overly sure of himself that everything was going great and would continue to do so...

...Until the diaper, after a moment, was finally removed and Zim was met with a spray that immediately emitted fourth almost as though from out of nowhere, splashing him in the face. Not expecting the burst of what was surely pee from his son, he had no time to turn away, and instead was met straight in the face with a spray of pee that continued to shot up into the air, seeping into his un-covered eyes.

His expected reaction was immediate. "OW!" he flew back, his hands reaching up and clutching at his eyes and face. "The pee! IT BURNS!" Seeing their father react so over-the-top, both son and daughter began laughing at the top of their tiny lungs.

Dib only covered his nose with the collar of his shirt. "I'm so glad I'm not you right now!"

"I HAVE MY SON'S PEE STINGING MY EYES!"

"I KNOW! LIFE IS VERY UNFAIR... FOR YOU!"

The front door, after what seemed like several hours, finally swung open.

The two women who walked in were greeted with a collective, "FUCKING FINALLY!"

Upon first inspection after walking up toward the couch with wide eyes, Tak wasn't sure how to react or what to think. The stench of urine was heavy in the air, as both human male and alien male sat seemingly comatose on the couch. "Uhhh... Were we gone for that long?"

"The smeets started crying the second you left and didn't stop until an hour ago," Zim answered simply, his eyes tightly shut. "There's your answer."

Standing beside Tak, Gaz sniffed the air and openly stated, rather bluntly, "It smells like piss in here."

Tak leaned in toward Zim, sniffing the air. "No, I think it's Zim who smells like piss." She backed away slightly. "Zim... What happened? Why do you smell like pee?"

"Our son peed on me." He sat up, pointing at his still-shut eyes. "And it got in my eyes!"

"Is that why your eyes are closed?"

"YES!"

"Huh." Tak nodded. "So you actually tried to change a diaper?"

"Shockingly I did nothing to help," Dib added in, holding his hands up innocently.

"Yeah," Zim answered, nodding weakly as he fell back against the couch. "It went smoothly the first time then the second I took the diaper off our son, it was like one of those water fountains you see at Skool. It just shot up into the air and into my eyes before I could react." He pouted. "It hurt a lot."

"Alien shit is BLUE, Gaz," Dib stated randomly at his sister. "BLUE."

Gaz only raised an eyebrow. "Interesting. Mine is purple."

"TO MUCH INFORMATION GAZ!" Her brother screamed, covering his ears and closing his eyes.

Immediately, though his eyes seemed to be temporarily stuck shut, Zim began whacking wildly at Dib. "Shut up, Dib! You're going to wake the twins! I will be pissed if I got peed on for NOTHING after all that hard work just getting them to stop crying!"

"Was it really that bad?" Tak asked.

"It was HORRIBLE," Zim answered, as quietly yet as Zim-like and dramatic as possible. "What took you two so long anyway? What WERE you doing?"

"We were planking on a railroad track in front of an oncoming train,' Gaz answered sarcastically. "What the hell do you think we were doing?"

Zim and Dib simultaneously shrugged.

"We were at Wal-Mart running around in high heels while laughing our asses off," Tak replied. "Now THAT is a fun way to have FUN."

"Fun way to have... Fun?" Dib raised an eyebrow.

"Yeah," Gaz said, smirking. "Like having piss shot into your eye sockets."

"Now that is definitely NOT fun!" The alien with the shut eyes raised his finger and waved it around in response.

"What's worse is finding out that alien species' have an intergalactic version of 'taste the rainbow'-"

"-that involves the anus," Gaz added.

Dib shuddered. "Gaz, please: TMI. But yes: I found out there is an ass-version of skittles only it's really just their shit that comes in different colors instead of candy."

Tak only stared at Dib and Zim with a dumbfounded look on her face. "Were we really gone for THAT long?"

"YES!"

A/N: I've grown way to lazy, I apologize. I need to start writing again, so here's... this. XD A really random and crazy idea that came to me in bits and pieces. Just REALLY fucking random.

Yeah, I'm not giving the smeets' names away yet because I haven't updated "Parenthood" yet, and I WILL, and the next chapter you will certainly, FINALLY find out the names of Zim and Tak's twins! For now, just think of them as Thing 1 and Thing 2: IRKEN SMEET STYLE. XD