Chapter One: What Happens In The RPD Stays in the RPD

WARNING!!!!!!! This story contains adult language, sexual themes, violence, and my favorite slash! Slash is male on male entertainment, if this offends or displeases you, then click the back button now. Otherwise, enjoy!

Yay! This is my first parody/comedy ever! I'm so happy my first one is of my favorite zombie games! Oh yeah, before I forget, the bolded quote is Resident Evil: Outbreak. My brother quoted it today and I thought would be a brilliant addition to the story . I did change two words though, "desire" was "Race" and "solitude" was "survival".

Disclaimer: I don't own anything to do with the Resident Evil series nor its characters. 'Cause if I did, you'd end up with something like this. . .

It was a typical night at Jack's bar. Some uninvited guests crashed the party. Our desire for solitude was just beginning…

"You know, guys, when I said 'we're going to the bar'. I didn't mean you saps could follow us." Chris said, casually throwing an arm around Jill, his date.

Jill sighed unenthusiastically "Yeah, well, that's where specifics gets you."

Wesker swallowed a shot of vodka and shouted to them "By the end of the night I'm gonna steak your date!"

Berry slammed his empty beer glass on the bar and motioned for more "I don't know, Wesker, Jill might beat you up for stealing him."

"Shut up, you fag." Wesker spat.

"Heyyyyy, I take offense to that!" Brad stuttered, clumsily wobbling about "Ohhh, man, I think I had toooo much… I'm feelin' kinda TIPSY!!" Brad flashed a brief shit-eating grin and collapsed.

"Aw, poor Brad." Rebecca took his seat "I'm happy I get to sit next to you, Chris, I hope your date doesn't mind."

Jill rolled her eyes "That's about as close as you'll ever get to him, rookie."

Joseph looked around the bar for a moment and noticed a strange-looking man staring and smiling at him. His hair was blond and slicked back, with blue eyes and he wore a red pompous-British-guy-suit. 'He's so creepy. It looks like he's trying to undress me with his eyes.' Joseph averted his eyes and tried desperately to ignore him "Berry, um… do you think maybe we should get Brad out of here?"

Berry cocked an eyebrow, "Why?"

"Um, no reason. I just want to leave." The Vehicles Expert seemed a little more than shaken as he downed the last bit of alcohol.

The Weapons Specialist shook his head and jostled the passed out Brad onto his shoulder.

As they made their leave, Joseph once again glanced at the estranged man, he appeared to be staring at Berry's ass. Joseph knitted his eyebrows in both surprise and horror. He glanced one last time at his co-workers, hoping the scary man doesn't get them tonight.

Kenneth and the rest of the Bravo Team walked passed them at the door "Hey, guys what's up?"

Joseph grabbed his arm and motioned to where the man was sitting "Seriously. Watch out for that guy over there."

"What guy?" Kenneth was on the verge of laughing at his antics.

Joseph turned to him and gasped. He was gone, though he had just turned his head for a moment 'Damn, he's one sneaky bastard. At least they're safe now.'

Chris turned around "What the hell? Who invited these sorry ass fucks?"

"Rebecca said you were gonna take it in the ass so we all decided to watch." Kenneth snorted.

Jill rolled her eyes again "Whats with all the gay jokes? God, you guys need to grow up. I'll be back." She slid off her stool and walked to the bathrooms. She banged on the door, no one answered and it was locked from the inside. She glanced in the smoke filled room back around the bar. "Damn it, Rebecca will be in there all night." She moved to the men's bathroom door and lightly tapped at it. She quietly crept inside, knowing that men normally don't lock doors when they're doing their business. Luckily, it was empty. She carefully lined the seat with toilet paper and sat down. She looked to the right and saw, scribbled on the wall "For a good time, call Al." the 'good' had been scratched out and replaced with 'great', it appeared that someone else had written that part. She gasped in disgust, when she remembered that she was in the men's bathroom.

Forest leaned on the bar, "So, you think you're getting any tonight?"

Chris faintly shrugged "Don't think so. It's kinda hard to work my charms with all you retards around."

Forest raised his hands in truce "My bad, we can't help that you're too lame to work around it."

Chris just shook his head and stood to his feet. He met Jill in the middle of the vicinity "Hey, sorry this sucked so bad."

She smiled "It's not your fault. You can just make it up to me later."

"Deal." He leaned in and kissed her.

After a minute she pulled away "I guess I'm going to head home now, okay?"

"Alright, I'll try to stop by before too late."

"Okay, here." She said, sliding her key off the ring "I'll probably be asleep, but I don't mind if you wake me up." She flirtatiously winked.

Chris smiled "Thanks. Good night."

"'Night." She walked with him back to his seat. She picked up her purse and looked at all of her punch-drunken co-workers "I'm gonna call it a night, anyone need a ride home? I mean, I AM the only one here who's sober…"

Forest mischievously grinned, "No, but I would like some-"

Chris punched him in the arm.

"Ow, man! I was just joking! Damn…" he rubbed his injury.

Chris looked back at Jill and took her hand "One last time." He finished his sentence with a short but sensual kiss.

The room was briefly filled with whispers and small voices cheering. After the noise dissipated, Chris looked around and realized that he and Wesker were the only ones left. He moved to the stool next to his captain "That worked beautifully. Like I said; once the word Jack's escaped my lips, they'd all follow me like I was the pied piper." He put extra, and somewhat coarse, emphasis on pied piper.

Wesker slicked his hair back with his usual super-cartoony narcissistic way "Tonight will be magnificent."

"I really love it when you pull your hair back like that, Wesker… Its soooo sexy 3." He winked.

He repeated his previous action "Aghhhh, Chrrisss!"

Chris groaned slightly, "Say my name again! I have to hear it!"

"Mmmm… Chrrisss…. This is turning me on too much, we should probably go somewhere a little more private."

"What do you have in mind?" he ran his hand over the man's blond hair.

Wesker rubbed Chris' muscular leg, "The… RPD?"

Chris bit his lower lip, leaning closer to Wesker "That sounds exciting…" he glanced down "Good thing too, I've got some major wood developing downstairs."

"Let's take my car, I've got whips and leather in the trunk." He suggested, flirtatiously cocking his eyebrow.

"Oh, god!" he seemed to be offended "Take me NOW, you dirty, FILTHY OLD MAN!" . . . Guess not.

Rebecca exited the bathrooms, the entire place was deserted "What the hell? Did the apocalypse happen when I was gone? I was only in there for a minute. Damn."

"Most everyone left with that hot red-haired chick." Will, the bartender, informed her "Chris and Wesker just left together."

Rebecca pouted, realizing she just barely missed her chance to seize Chris. "Where'd they go?"

"The RPD."

"They're going to work at three in the morning?" she tapped her temple.

"Well, actually-" his sentence was cut short when his cell phone started ringing "Hello? Ohhhhh, Cindy!!! How are you, darling?" he began to shoo the rookie Bravo girl out of the bar.

Rebecca huffed, "Whatever, I'll just go see for myself."

On her way out of the door, she heard Will say "So, Cindy… What are you wearing?"

"Oh, wait…. How do I get to the station from here?" she said aloud, looking up and down the dark, vacant streets.

Okay! That was the end of chapter one! Will Rebecca find out why Chris and Wesker were going to the RPD? What would she do? Or even say? Find out next time, chapter two: Pieces of the Puzzle!