Set during Harry's conversation with Ruth when he tells her he's handed in his resignation during S9E1. I realise that many might think that Harry's acting OOC in this little scene, however, he's under a lot of stress at this particular time and I feel that an outburst like this is not entirely impossible given how much more volatile Harry was in previous seasons of Spooks. All I can say is that he does revert to his usual... reserved behaviour in the following chapters. I hope you enjoy reading this and please leave a review. Many thanks to r4ven3 and The ChicaChic for proofreading this chapter for me.
"It's time for somebody else to stand on the wall for a bit," he declares softly.
"This isn't you talking," Ruth says in exasperation.
A deadly silence greets her words and it seems to last an eternity before Harry slowly turns to look at her. "And how would you know, Ruth?" he responds in a hushed voice. "You think you know me?"
She swallows uncertainly, seeing something dark flash through his eyes that sends a shiver of unease straight through her, but she rallies against it; she won't let him intimidate her. "I know that you never give up," she replies.
"I never give up?" he says in a disbelief, his voice mocking her as he shakes his head and laughs a mirthless laugh, turning and taking a couple of steps away from the window towards his desk. But then he pauses and turns back to face her, and his eyes are suddenly like ice as they bore into hers and he adds in a cold voice, "I gave up on my children, I gave up on my marriage, I gave up on you, and now I'm giving up on Queen and country. Contrary to what you may think, Ruth, you do not know me and I am not a machine. I am a man. A man with feelings, needs and desires. A man who is sick and tired of putting himself and everyone he cares about on the line every day. A man who has been trapped for too long."
"Harry," she begins, but then pauses seeing the fury that ignites in his eyes as they turn from ice to fire in an instant.
"Get out!" he demands, and when she hesitates, he moves toward her swiftly like a lion intent on catching its pray. He reaches her in two strides, and capturing her face in his hands, he presses his lips to hers in a hard kiss that takes her completely by surprise. She pushes him away with her hands on his chest, but it takes a few moments for him to register her struggle and release her abruptly, taking a step back. She should probably slap him in retaliation, but she just stares at him for a moment, too shocked to move, rooted to the spot both by his unexpected assault and the cold fury in his eyes. There's not even a sliver of warmth in them and she feels her heart freeze and shatter. She would never have believed that Harry could look at her like that.
"I am a man you've rejected again and again, though I've loved you like no other," he growls, "and I have had enough of this..." He looks away across the Grid for a moment moving his arm in an all encompassing motion and adding, "all of this." Then he turns his cold gaze on her once more and growls, "Now. Get. Out."
Tears spring to her eyes as she turns and bolts from the room to the bathroom, hearing his office door slam shut behind her and the key turn in the lock.
Rage grips him at the unfairness of it all, and walking swiftly to his desk, he sweeps his arm across it, scatting the papers, pens and books lying on it onto the floor. Then with trembling hands, he pours himself a large measure of whiskey and downs it quickly before making his way back to the door. He leaves the Grid, barking out an order to call his phone only if there's something urgent, and makes his way downstairs to the basement, where he barges into the shooting range, nodding to Jack, the man in charge of the facility. He wordlessly hands Harry some ear muffs and a loaded gun and watches as he empties it into the target, pausing only to reload before doing it again... and again... and again.