It happened just like any other day during the zombie apocalypse. Miss Hendricks, the Destiny High School literature teacher, was reciting Edgar Allen Poe over a megaphone from the roof of the local gun shop while her students studiously took notes from the adjacent roofs. Well, everyone except for Gantu. Scruffy never did find that other gill thing to stitch back together. Not that it mattered since Rafiki took what was left of the former exchange student and somehow turned him into a basketball court. Every so often Miss Hendricks would pause to scold him, but the jock would just laugh and do some layups. He so wasn't going to pass the poetry final.
While all the theatrics were taking place, the shambling corpse of Xion sighed with longing. Her nonexistent zombie heart was nonexistently beating extra nonexistently hard for her latest crush. She sighed and glanced over at the town clocktower. It was 11:45—almost lunch time, and that's when she'd make her move. She planned everything meticulously over the weekend. After spending hours picking out the finest, freshest brains, she made her love a sandwich. The secret ingredient was love and she couldn't wait to be ravished in smooches all along her decaying hot bod.
Although she technically wasn't enrolled in the school to care about the class, conventional norms were hardly going to derail the nonexistent love train. She doodled in her notepad while pretending to care about that silly old raven knocking at the chamber door. Under her makeshift cardboard box desk, she lovingly patted the lunchbox that would score her mega love points. Everyone knows that food is the way to a stud muffin's heart.
The air raid siren suddenly went off, signaling the end of the class.
"Okay, everyone," announced Miss Hendricks snapping her book shut and cocking her shotgun. "That concludes today's class. Make sure to read Henry David Thoreau's Walden for next class on Monday. You can loot a copy from the abandoned Barnes and Noble next door. Bricks are available in the nearby alleyway if anyone needs one. Dismissed!"
Shuffling could be heard from the rooftops as the kids packed away their books and prepped their guns. They ducked inside their respective buildings and waited for the air raid to blow up most of the zombies in the street before everyone made a mad dash for the nearby rec center's roof that was converted into a cafeteria. Coach Hines was on kitchen duty along with his son Justy since the former lunch ladies were in smoldering pieces in the pavement. Everyone greedily scarfed down the latest rations: decade-old Twinkies speckled with wine that were forcibly taken from Brittany's bag of emergency supplies, cat chow courtesy of Mr. Wow, the cool cat art teacher, and dumplings made from whatever the hell was holed up in the zoology room's pet center.
The only person to not partake in the grand feast was Xion. She somehow got targeted during the air raid—probably because she was a zombie. Her lovingly crafted lunchbox made from discarded milk cartons exploded, sending brains and curdled milk flying everywhere. Xion's nonexistent heart skipped a nonexistent beat. She was livid. For lots of reasons. How was she going to win over her stud muffin now? Her plans were ruined!
"Sandwiches! Get your sandwiches! Get 'em while they're hot!"
Xion immediately perked up and darted her head over towards the corner. A little too hard, unfortunately, because it detached from her neck and she had to chase it down a hill. She bounded after it and had to fight off a murder of murderous crows to get it back. They pecked out one of her eyes, but it was an improvement on her "bad girl" image, so she actually thanked the crows before eating them. Xion then made her way back to the sandwich shop. It was operated by a man with eerie red eyes that peered out behind a black cloak and purple scarf. Did he work for the Organization? She didn't recognize him.
"Welcome, stranger," said the merchant. "What're ya buyin'? Got a selection of good things on sale, stranger!"
Xion took a look at the menu: Jill Sandwich for $14.50, Claire Croissant for $15.75, Barry Burger for $20.83, and some discounted goods off to the side with flies buzzing around them. She then groaned and moaned, pointing to the discounted meatball sub that was on sale.
"Not only will you need cash, but you'll need guts to buy that sandwich."
Xion sighed, and pulled out her intestines, handing them over along with her wallet.
"Ha, ha! Thanks, stranger." The merchant took the payment and forked over the sandwich. "Come back anytime!"
Xion was pumped. Everything was finally falling into place. With moldy meatball sub in hand and entrails dangling from her sexy hot bod, Xion marched onwards to find her beloved. But she crashed into a telephone pole since she lacked depth perception. There's always a price to pay to look that hawt as a bad girl. After bumping into several more phone poles, some turned over cars, and falling through a manhole, Xion finally reached her destination. A nonexistent lump formed in her nonexistent throat and her nonexistent heart felt like it would jump right out of her nonexistent chest. It was go time.
Xion approached the stud muffin and Olaf screamed. "Help! Help! Zombie!" shrieked the snowman.
Xion extended the sandwich and leaned in for a smooch, but she was blown away by shotgun fire.
"Phew! Thanks, Ralph!"
"Don't mention it," said Ralph.
Xion got blasted several blocks down, her sandwich flying all over the place. She eventually pieced herself back together and sighed. It was hard for a zombie to find love with the living. She knew it would be a challenge, but maybe it just wasn't meant to be. Life ruins love prospects for the undead. She figured this time, she'd choose a zombie stud muffin instead and hyped herself up to get back on that undead horse. But just then a nuclear warhead landed on her, vaporizing her in the explosion.
Over in Twilight Town, Axel and Roxas were just chillin' in the park gazing up at the clouds.
"Oh, look! A fluffy bunny!" Axel said, pointing to a cloud.
"Looks more like a fluffy squirrel to me," Roxas replied. "See that long part there? Totally a tail."
"Huh. Yeah, never thought of it that way."
They continued chillin' until Leon and Riku found them.
"Guys, we have a plan for how to deal with the zombies," said Riku. He then explained the really crazy scheme.
"Aww, do we have to help?" Roxas half whined. He was too lazy to get off the bench.
"Yeah, really," Axel agreed, equally lazy. "You two can handle it just fine. What do you need us for?"
"Well, the console to launch the nuke has four separate buttons that need to be pressed simultaneously and you two are the only ones in town that we trust," said Riku.
Leon nodded. "So get off that bench and help us save Destiny Town."
Axel and Roxas both sighed.
"Well, if we have to..." groaned Roxas.
"But after this, we expect some peace and quiet," said Axel."
All four of the heroes made their way to the military base where they bribed their way past the lone guardsman by offering up a Pooh stick. The guardsman, really Roo in disguise, conveniently "forgot" to lock the door to the base before bouncing back to the Fellowship of the Pooh.
Everyone worked together to fire the nuke and then they all went back to the park for some relaxation.
The end.