Mello and the Chocolate Factory

by Peach and Tori Scott

I've had this idea a while. Who knows, probably a bunch of other people had the same idea but here's my version of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Death Note style, in which Matt likes to crossdress as Mello's mother, Near finds two golden tickets and gives one to Mello, and Mello thinks that a chocolate factory is Heaven. Pfft, no, of COURSE it's not! Oneshot. R&R, please! :)

AU where Mello gets a golden ticket to Willy Wonka's chocolate factory crIES

btw this is set before charlie and the chocolate factory. this is supposed to be years before that, where willy wonka is just having visitors over for the hell of it. I know that'd never happen but oH WELL

by the way, the story is supposed to have a bunch of line breaks and spacing but the format screwed up. so. sorry.

"Mels!" called Matt. "Mels, come out from wherever you are! I just saw something AWESOME!"

"I'm not falling for that!" yelled Mels, also known as Mihael Keehl. "I know you just want to win the hide and seek game!"

Matt sniggered. "I know where you are anyway." He walked over to the chocolate cabinet, and opened it. "Get outta there, Mels. I got a better supply of chocolate in this newspaper than you've ever had in your life."

Mello shot out of the cabinet. "Show me!"

"It's run by a guy called Willy Wonka," explained Matt. "A chocolate factory, Mels."

"Stop calling me Mels," replied Mello automatically. "Wait-a CHOCOLATE FACTORY?"

"Chocolate water fountains," said Matt laughing at Mello's expression. "Chocolate mountains. Bouncy castles made of chocolate."

"You're pulling my leg," said Mello, looking a little pissed. "There's no such thing."

"Wanna see it for yourself? I bet you can."

"What do we have to do? Buy tickets? WHERE?"

"No," said Matt calmly. "We have to buy Willy Wonka's chocolate. There are exactly 5 gold bar-thingies in exactly 5 of Willy Wonka's chocolates in the world. If you get a gold bar thingie, you'll get to come to the factory. But you have to have a parent or guardian with you. Can I be your guardia-"

Mello was gone.

Probably at a store, buying up a thousand chocolate bars. Willy Wonka's best, of course.

"You just disappeared, doucheface," said Matt in annoyance. "I wanted to come to the store with you and practice acting like your guardian!"

"Matt, you're not going to be my guardian," said Mello, ripping open his 19th bar of chocolate and sighing in annoyance. "For one thing, I probably won't get a ticket. For another thing, my guardian will be Roger, you're too young. IF I GO. Which I won't. Probably."

"MELLO!"

Mello and Matt glanced at each other and groaned. They both knew that annoying voice. Near.

"Go away!" yelled Mello. That was probably the most polite Mello would ever be to Near River.

"But Mello, I got something-"

Matt sighed. "I'll go let him in." He walked over to the door and opened it and Near appeared, his eyes lit up for maybe the first time ever. "I got a golden ticket!" He brought something gold from his pocket as well as a crumpled chocolate wrapper.

"No way," muttered Mello. "No!"

With that, he burst into tears.

"Wow," said Near. "Uh, Mello? I was going to offer it to you…"

"What really!" yelled Mello. He snatched the ticket and danced around the room.

Matt could tell Mihael was most definitely not going to thank the younger boy. So Matt ruffled his hair and said, "Thanks, albino."

Near's eyebrows were raised. "Tell Mello he owes me a new figurine of L. He broke my last one."

"I will. When he gets back from the factory," said Matt, looking amusedly at Mello who was hugging the ticket to his chest and doing a bunch of backflips.

With that, Near disappeared and Mello sat, an expression of exhilaration on his face. "I'm going, Matty. I'm really going."

"I'm happy for you, Mels."

Mello smiled.

"But don't call me Matty."

"Do I look like an adult now?" asked Matt, putting high heels on.

Mello couldn't reply. He was too busy laughing his head off. "Matty-you're-ha-dressed as-ha-a-ha-girl!"

"I'll have you know that I'm your mother today," said Matt moodily. "Throw me some mascara."

"Mas-ha-cara! Feminine products!" Tears ran down Mello's face. "I'm going to cry."

"You're already crying," pointed out Matt, fluffing his dress.

"STOP-HAR-FLUF-HAR-FING-HAR-YOUR-DRESS," Mello choked out, still crying.

"Only if you-har-shut-har-up," replied Matt, starting to braid his hair. "And get me a bunch of shaving tools."

"Yes Missus," replied Mello mockingly, setting off to get Matt the shaving tools.

"You've spent two hours shaving your legs," moaned Mello. "Why can't you do this TOMORROW? When I'm at the chocolate factory with Roger?"

"Because you're not going to the chocolate factory with Roger, you're going with me," replied Matt calmly.

"You're not tall enough to be my mother," decided Mello.

"Yes, I am," said Matt. "And if anyone asks, you just are a very tall person."

"But I'm not."

"Compared to your new mother you are."

"Go away."

Matt ignored the other boy. "I wonder who else is coming to the factory."

"Oh NO WAY," whispered Mello. "He seriously managed to get his OWN ticket as well as one for me?"

"He must have bought a hell lot of chocolate," said Matt, watching Near wriggle into the crowd. "He's come with Roger, I see."

"Yes, mother dear, he has," said Mello through gritted teeth. "Come on, mother, let's go and meet our host."

Willy Wonka was wearing a top hat.

"Hello there!" he said, shaking hands with Mello who looked pretty annoyed right then. Willy Wonka looked at Mello's "mother". "And you are?"

"Miss Keehole, nice to meet you," said Matt in a rehearsed high pitched voice. Willy Wonka looked amused, like he didn't quite believe that Matt was a woman called Miss Keehole. Catching this, Matt straightened his wig. "My son here absolutely LOVES chocolate," said Matt, making his voice a little more squeaky. "You could say he has a chocolate obsession!" He started to laugh hysterically aware that he did NOT SOUND NORMAL.

"Yes, yes, very amusing," agreed Willy Wonka. "Do come in. Oh HELLO, young man!" He talked to Near.

"Lovely to see you here, Near," said Mello through gritted teeth.

"You too, Mello, my friend," said Near, smiling smugly as he shook hands with Willy Wonka. "I'm so excited to see this chocolate factory, Mr. Wonka! I think it will be a day to remember."

"Yes," muttered Miss. Keehole aka Mail Jeevas. "A day to remember."

With that, he dragged Mello into the factory.

With that, Mello forgot.

He forgot that he wanted to murder a certain albino under the name of Nate River. He forgot that his mother was officially Mail Jeevas. He forgot that Willy Wonka did not deserve to have a chocolate factory because Mello was so much awesomer and deserved it so much more.

The chocolate factory deserved the titan CHOCOLATE ISLAND.

Because that's what it was.

Matt hadn't been pulling his leg about the chocolate waterfall; it was right there, releasing chocolate, bit by bit. That wasn't all. There was a lake. A lake made of chocolate, and there was that rowing boat, made entirely of chocolate, and the floor, the floor, it was covered with chocolate, a perfect sheet of protective wrapping over it. So that the chocolate wouldn't get dirty, obviously….Mello was lost in his thoughts.

"This is like Heaven," he murmured.

"What?" Matt appeared next to him. "Mello, darling, trust you to think of a chocolate factory as Heaven."

Mello shot him a glare that said, "Don't call me darling you doucheface" and Matt coughed nervously.

"Come on Mello dear let's wait for the rest of the guests," said Matt, proud of himself for finding a loophole.

Mello started to glare at his "mother" but at that moment, Near River appeared, three others in tow.

Near walked over to Matt and hissed into his ear: "Are you crazy? You'll be caught!"

"Who cares," dismissed Matt. "Willy Wonka doesn't look like the kind of person who would really care."

Near nodded a little, then stepped back. "Hello to everyone! Miss. Keehole, Mello, these are Tamara, Kai, and Markkelle. Guys, this is Mello and this is his mother."

Two or the three strangers nodded a little, and Roger ruffled Near's hair. Kai sneered

At that moment, Willy Wonka reappeared. "Is everyone here?" he called cheerfully. "Let's get started!"

Mello looked like he was really in Heaven, except without the dying part. He jumped up and yelled, "Onwards!"

Willy Wonka beamed. "Onwards!" he agreed cheerfully.

"I will not get on the boat," scowled Markelle. "It is disgusting. I bet thousands have licked that boat."

Willy Wonka looked beyond offended. "My dear girl, no one has ever licked this boat. The few who have licked one of my chocolate boats are still stuck in the chocolate pipe, I think," said Willy Wonka in annoyance. Kai, who was the only other dude there, raised an eyebrow. "So this boat HAS been licked?"

"No, actually," said Willy Wonka, beyond pissed. "THIS one was only made by my Oompa-Loompas this very morning!"

"What are Oompa-Loompas?" asked Mello, eyeing the boat as though he intended to get in right then and eat the damn thing.

"Let me show you," said Willy Wonka cheerfully.

With that, a bunch of fox sized creatures appeared and began to sing,

"THERE WAS ONCE A TALE OF A GRUMPY GROUCH WHO'S NAME WAS MIHAEL KEEHL, THIS GRUMPY GROUCH FELL ONTO THE COUCH AND ATE A CHOCOLATE BAR. HE FELL IN LOVE WITH CHOCOLATE, THAT LIT-TLE SCHIST AND THE LITTLE SCHIST TURNED INTO A GRUMPY GROUCH WHO LOVED CHOCO-LATE."

Matt was laughing so hard his wig fell off.

She-sorry, HE-put the wig on again.

"I'm sorry," said Willy Wonka, his eyes twinkling. "They're usually much better at rhyming."

"You're apologising for THEIR RHYMING SKILLS?" Mello looked incredulous. "How about apologising for, I DON'T KNOW, their HURTFUL words?"

"Of course," agreed Mr. Wonka. "So then, while we're apologising, why doesn't your good friend over here apologise for the worst crossdressing incident that has ever happened?" His eyes continued laughing.

The Oompa-loompas looked too happy. It was actually a little bit creepy, Matt thought.

"Can I take off the wig and stop pretending to be Mels' mother now?" asked Matt, not waiting for a response as he threw the short wig down onto Mello's head.

"Nice," admired Matt. "You look more like a boy than usual."

"I wouldn't be talking, considering you're the one in that dress, MOM."

Matt shut up.

The girl Markelle sighed. "Are you all going to go on the boat? I will not go until the funny man in the top hat goes."

"Marky!" warned Markelle's mother. "Be nice. Mr. Willy Wonka would never cheat us. Would he?" She looked suspiciously at Willy Wonka.

"Oh SHUT UP," said Mello. "Let's get in."

He got into the boat and took a bite from it.

"Mello!" gasped Mr. Willy Wonka. "How COULD you? We'll have to replace the boat again!"

"Doesn't seem like that's gonna take too long," said Mello dryly as Oompa-Loompas walked in, a new chocolate boat held up by their shoulders.

"That's not the point!" said Willy Wonka, annoyed.

The Oompa-Loompas set down the new boat and began to carry off the old one.

"Wait!" yelled Mello. The Oompa-Loompas paused, still hoisting up the chocolate boat.

"….can I at least finish it?"

"Get in," sang Willy Wonka, pushing the others into the boat. Mello followed, disappointment all over his face.

"Mello, get your finger out of the chocolate water," warned Mr. Willy Wonka.

Mello took his finger out. "It's not technically water though. Not in any way, shape, or form is that water. That's chocolate, Mr. Willy Wonka. Sorry to disappoint."

The man huffed and twirled his top hat on his finger. "Whatever. You know what I mean. The chocolate sauce is like a lake of water, you know?"

"No, that's not very logical," said Near, raising an eyebrow. "It's NOT a lake of water."

"But it's LIKE one."

"Well, I'm LIKE a little kid," said Near, smiling slightly. "But am I?"

"No-o-o-o," said Willy Wonka slowly.

"That's arguable," said Mello, pushing into the conversation.

"Hey!" said Near. "I'm not!"

"As I said: arguable," sneered Mello.

"Will you two save it for the bedroom?" cut in Matt.

The two froze, and then slowly inched away from each other.

"Mental images," wailed Mello. "Make them go away, mummy."

Matt patted Mello's head. "Deal with it, earthling."

"You're so mean," sulked Mello, taking a bite out of the boat-when Willy Wonka wasn't looking, of course.

"Anyway, hope you enjoyed that ride!" said Willy Wonka brightly.

"It was lovely," said Tamara softly. Kai sighed, but nodded, as did Markelle, who added: "Germy, though."

"It wasn't germy! That was a clean boat!" Willy Wonka was frustrated. Very frustrated.

"Anyway, I'm just going to hang around and eat chocolate," said Mr. Willy Wonka smiling at the 5 of them, their parents, Roger, and of course, Matt. "My Oompa-Loompas will show you around!" The man snapped his fingers and the Oompa-Loompas appeared, smiling cheerfully.

"Take them to the chocolate bouncy castle," Mr. Wonka ordered. "Have them jump on it." He glanced at the kids. "It's a very bouncy castle, programmed by sugar and made of chocolate. Don't eat from it, all of you will get a year's supply of them once this tour is finished and you get back to your homes and houses! Proceed!"

With that, Willy Wonka picked up a book and a chocolate bar.

"We'll take you to the 5th floor!"

"There's chocolate, bouncy castles, AND EVEN MORE!"

Mello inwardly groaned. The Oompa-Loompas had been rapping all the way to the elevator. Now they were rapping in the effing elevator too.

"We'll push the button!"

"On and off!"

"Chocolate bouncy castles-soft!"

Oh my god shut up, was Mello's basic line of thinking right then. And then go bury yourself in chocolate and let me eat chocolate in peace. Thanks.

Of course, they didn't respond to his thoughts.

"We're going up!"

"We're going up!"

"We'll melt some chocolate in a cup!"

I'd rather melt YOU.

"We have arrivedddddd!"

Please please please dieeeeeee!

Oh look, Mello was rhyming. Rather well, actually.

"Get out right now!"

"We'll show you how!"

"We know how to get out of an elevator," Near interrupted the Oompa-Loompas, stepping from the elevator. That was probably the first (and last) time Mello would be grateful to that twit.

"Don't eat the bouncy castle, or we will hustle, we will kill you, assassinate you," warned an Oompa-Loompa.

Bloody hell, did they have to speak ENTIRELY in rhyme? They were so annoying! Mello scowled. "That's lovely, Loompa," he commented, climbing onto the bouncy castle.

"Hey wait, don't do that, you'll eat the chocolate, you'll get fat!" yelled an Oompa-Loompa. "You need to get on carefully, chocolate castles are rare but free!"

Shut up.

"Take them to Floor 8," Willy Wonka spoke into a walkie talkie around 20 minutes later and an Oompa-Loompa nodded. Near jumped off the bouncy castle, looking as disappointed as Mello. Of course, Near was disappointed because he wanted to jump more, and Mello was disappointed because he wanted to eat more but hey, same difference.

"You two are soul mates," said Matt in wonder. "You both like useless things like bouncy castles."

"You and death are soul mates too," said Mello darkly. "And I don't think you can do useful things in HELL."

Matt decided to stop talking.

Of course, that didn't apply to Oompa-Loompas. They continued to chatter in rhyme, all the way until Floor 8.

"Is this like, Heaven?" murmured Matt. He rubbed his eyes to make sure he wasn't dreaming.

Chocolate video games.

The controller was made of chocolate and THE CONTROLLER WORKED. That was SO not something you saw everyday! And that chocolate TV! The chocolate headphones, and chocolate CD video games. Upon closer inspection, Matt saw his favourite video game, molded entirely of chocolate.

"Let me guess," said Mello slowly. "Powered by pixie stick powder?"

"Oh that's right, let me tell you of the time, of wars and fight, choosing between lemon n lime, there were pixie sticks with chocolate and-"

"That's okay," said Mello. "Tell me another time. It's fine."

"Oh." The Oompa-Loompa that had spoken looked strangely disappointed but shrugged it off. "Alright. Let's take you back to Mr. Wonka."

Wow.

They were actually capable of not rhyming.

It was a start.

(And a finish).

"Hello!" Willy Wonka greeted cheerfully. "You all had better get on your way. I'll take you on one last boat ride, then I'll send you off with some of the year's supply of chocolate you'll be getting!"

Mr. Wonka walked over to the boat, ready to set what was left of the boat up.

He finally noticed the bite marks.

"MELLO."