kiss me kill me; vampire knight
a/n: spoilers up to chapter 38.
the only relationships kaname had ever known have been take and no give, an eye for a pair.
it's the relationship he has with the rest of vampire society - he has control over them, but only just; and they follow his orders, but only just. from the time he was a child, it was this that he knew, more familiar than any comforting hand from his mother or soft word from his father.
that familiarity brought no comfort.
it was this he tried to keep from yuuki, because he loved her too much to take from her; but he was a vampire and it was inevitable that he would take, take and take, and one day he feared he would take too much from her that she might have nothing left, a lifeless beautiful shell like the useless novelties from the beach. beautiful as they were, they were crafted in life - only in death did they bring value, command awe. only in death.
so he came to understand that he was that snail, hunted for his pure blood, blood that would bring power beyond compare. and so he knew that he was already that beautiful, unnattainable shell, no matter the life still left, the breaths he still possessed.
despite that, he held onto that thought, that thought of a relationship without wondering whether he would find a knife buried between his shoulder blades or touching another and being touched with - dare he say, love.
cain taught him that. aido taught him that. even luca, in her unrequitable love of him, had never failed to respect him.
but then here he was again, back at square one with zero's teeth buried in his neck and the hunter's cold hands at his shoulders.
it was almost endearingly clumsy and inexperienced of him, except he was making a fine job of shredding his neck just a little. almost, except his gun the bloody rose was still in its holster and far too close at hand for him to be comfortable. except zero loved yuuki and stood in his way.
zero was a nuisance, an obstacle, but he was precious to yuuki and it made him more precious than gold. unpurified gold, he privately thinks with distaste, but even that has worth. and he's not stupid enough to reject the extra layer of security the hunter offers. and, well - if he ever raised a hand against yuuki, he'd be disposable.
there is no love lost between him and zero, no love gained. this is not love. love is what he has with yuuki, what luca laments over, what zero wants but knows he will never have.
this is not love, he reminds himself when zero works his way up from his throat to his jaw and he realizes with grim knowing that the other vampire could take his head off in an instant. he's not positive he will stop him. will, not can, because he definitely can.
but zero is yuuki's and what is yuuki's he could never break.
so when zero kisses him it doesn't come as a surprise - it's not messy, but rather angry, aggressive, and the taste of his own blood is bitter metallic and warm in contrast to the cold kiss.
he could destroy zero in the next heartbeat. and at any moment zero might pull out that damned gun on him and blast his head off. and he wasn't sure he'd blame him for it.
why, was the only question in kaname's eyes as zero backed away with a look of supreme loathing in his eyes, wiping the blood from the corner of his mouth like it was venom.
because i want you to know what she thinks about when she kisses you, zero says, bitter as the blood between them. and then he leaves.
kaname thinks that's the end of it, but no, he finds himself at the window of zero's room the next night, wanting to take, needing to gain to make himself whole again.
and zero doesn't stop him, because this is just how they do things; one takes, and then the other, until there is nothing else, nothing left.
you'd kiss me as easily as you'd kill me, kaname murmurs one night into the sheets, and zero doesn't answer. he doesn't need to. he just leans over and pulls kaname up for another kiss that's not love but nor is it hate. it's need. desire. lust.
bloody rose rests on the night table next to him still.