Borderlands Randomness Collection Vol. 1
Heyo folks, Bram Stoker here! I've decided on doin' a large series of humorous Borderlands oneshots with all the characters; namely Axton, Maya (rowr she's sexy), Salvador, Gaige, Zero, Lilith (double rowr), Brick, Roland, Moxxi (triple rowr), the Sheriff of Lynchwood (mega rowr), Angel (tiger growl), Tannis (lion purr), Mordecai, Marcus, Claptrap, and you guessed it, Krieg.
PS- this is after Handsome Jack's death btw, so sorry Handsome Jack lovers, he's not allowed in this fanfic series.
PS PS- Angel and Roland are alive in this version and still interact with the other Vault Hunters. That said, onto our first of many, many, MANY sketches. Enjoy!
Sketch No. 1: Commandos should Never Drunk Dial
It was past midnight at Sanctuary. Maya was sound asleep, softly snoring. All of a sudden the phone near her nightstand rang. Groaning tiredly, Maya stumbled for the receiver, grabbed it then placed it to her ear.
"Mmph… hello?" Maya mumbled sleepily. "Hey. What-what… what are ya doing?" Axton babbled, his words slurred. Maya rolled her eyes, knowing that the drunk commando would drunk dial her at this time of night
"Axton, I'm sleeping. I was in the middle of this lovely dream where I was the lead in an Aerosmith music video. I think it was either what it takes or Love in an Elevator." Maya spoke tiredly. "Yeah. I was just out with Salvador and Zero; we were out drinking. So, what, eh, what are you doin'?" Axton repeated
"I just told you, you drunk!" Maya hissed. "I know. I-I forgot. Hey hey, this song made me think of you. So hang on, hang on, just listen to this song." Axton blubbered, Maya listening in annoyance only to lean back as guitar music blared loudly.
"Isn't that awesome?" Axton asked wildly. "You said you weren't gonna call her!" Salvador piped up. "It's not her, you dummy!" Axton barked, before adding "sorry. Sal, he-he told me not to call you. So uh, what are you doing?" Axton repeated. Maya simply exhaled and uttered "Goodnight. I'll see you in the morning"
With that, she hung up the phone and plopped her head onto her pillow and snored loudly. Ok, so a few residents complained, but did Maya give a shit? Hell no! Cause she's out like a light, for cryin out loud! Seriously, she spent literally all night at Lynchwood, blasting the brains out of a dozen bandits and got forced into a joyful threesome with her, the Sheriff and Captain Scarlett. Not only was it embarrassing, but also true to her nature, she secretly enjoyed it.
The next morning…
Yawning loudly, Lilith approached the door to Maya's room. She could hear Maya's loud snoring a mile away. She opened the door to find her snoozing with her left arm dangling loosely, drool forming from her mouth, her panties on her leg. "Jeez, girl, you really are a Siren." Lilith muttered, shaking the slumbering Siren with her hand.
Maya then gibbered something in her sleep and rolled over. "C'mon girl, up and at 'em." Lilith spoke sweetly, trying in vain to avoid carrying her to Moxxi's again. "mmm… five more minutes…" Maya murmured before yawning. Groaning, Lilith then scooped Maya in her arms and then carried her out of her room and toward the bar where Axton, Salvador, Zero, Mordecai, and Nisha awaited her.
"Geez, what's wrong with her? She's lookin' a bit pinkish." Salvador asked. "She's fine Sal. She's just sleeping. Axton, did you drunk dial her last night? Cause I could smell the liquor and white moonshine on your breath" Lilith commented, the commando perking up at the mere mention.
"Uh… Zero, back me up." Axton whispered, the ninja sticking to his guns. "No can do/not my problem/you fix it." Zero replied in his trademark haiku dialogue. Axton grumbled to himself before answering "yes"
"Uhn… Lilith, two things: One, why are you carrying me like I'm a sack of Dahl baked fertilizer, and two; why are you wearing a Hawaiian skirt?" Maya asked tiredly. "Ok, to answer your questions first; you wouldn't wake up, so I figured it was either splash you with a large bucket of water or haul you to the bar and have Moxxi here dump an ice-cold one down your neck. And second; the skirt came with the free gifts after my honeymoon with Roland." Lilith answered
"Well, there goes my bet that Roland wears a grass hula skirt." Mordecai murmured, Salvador clearing his throat, his palm out. "So Maya, your new tattoos are looking fabulous. Where'd you come up with the makeup?" Nisha asked
"Oh, Angel and I started our own business. We run a tattoo parlor next to Zed's, open 24/7, ages 18 and up, absolutely no minors, and also we can't have psychedelic smoking inside, that means you Sal." Maya answered, Salvador snapping his fingers in annoyance. "Well it's nice to know you two lovely ladies have started your own business, but… does this mean…?" Axton mentioned
"What? That I would retire from Vault hunting? Hell no!" Maya answered, guffawing as she popped open a flask of cherry pop and took a large sip. "Isn't it a wee bit early to be drinkin' caffeine, missy?" Mick Zaford asked
"Pfft. It's never too early for that, pal. Take my advice." Maya responded, stretching her back out as she sat down and relaxed next to Axton and Salvador. "So… what did happen last night, anyway?" Maya finally asked