DISCLAIMER: I own every single person in this story that is about to be told-obviously a HUGE joke, I own zilch. I wish I was Melissa Joan Hart, but WHO CARES?
Life is not good for me. Oh no. I am but a mere house pet, one to be mocked, ignored, and have smelly fish heads thrown at. Who cares about the common cat? I have a plan-a plan so great, no-one will find out about it! Not until the damage is done, anyway. Now where's that fish head??? Hmm...
In case you stupid, idiotic people who are reading this story that is going to bore you to death haven't realised, I am Salem Saberhagen. The Spellman Family Cat, with a capital...ummm....never mind. And I have had enough. It is time some action was taken over how I AM TREATED! But be warned, dear reader-this plan could go awfully wrong... DUM DUM DAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was sitting in the kitchen one morning, waiting for someone to FEED THE CAT. No-one came, and it was already 9 am. Then I realised...IT WAS SATURDAY!
If you can manage to awake dear Sabrina Spellman you
are a miracle maker. The alarm clock is set to WAKE
THE DEAD. A special witch-setting. Luckily there are
no dead people around. Although there is that cemetry
under the house...never mind. The point of this long
paragraph is that I WAS BORED. AND VERY HUNGRY.
The man who invents the cat-tin-opener will be my
idol. But no-one has yet. I will, when I am returned
to my human body (and yes! I will not be bald! Read
"Who Stole Kitty's Whiskers" by this author if you
don't have a clue what I'm going on about.) I ran up
the stairs four at a time (I wish) and jumped on
Zelda, who screamed. This in turn woke up Hilda. It is
like playing dominoes in this house.
"Salem!" said Zelda in her usual,
I-will-only-use-this-voice-when-I-am-knackered voice.
"What do you want?"
"Food?" I asked, as if that was plainly clear.
"What?"
"You know, the thing you digest, the thing you love.
Ice-cream!" I groaned. "I want ice-cream!"
"Oh my gosh, it's a quarter-past nine. Thank you for
waking me up Salem. I was going to invent a cure for
Cystic Fibrosis today," she said.
"And feed the cat," I reminded her.
She was out of bed by now, going into the bathroom
and flashing out again, fully clothed (thank god.)
"Yes, and feed the cat," she muttered. "Hydrogen plus
half magnesium and a pinch of-yes!"
"Food?"
"Oh, shut up," she said, and she pointed me some
food.
"Yum!" I said. "Kipper. Lovely taste, awful smell.
Will put up with that." I greedily "tucked in" and
Zelda went downstairs.
I licked my lips and decided I'd go and see if
Sabrina was awake. She was. She was talking into her
mirror, saying: "Oh I do love you, oh you're so
sweet!"
"Talking about me again?" I asked, springing onto her
bed.
"Salem! I've told you not to come in my bedroom
without knocking!" she exclaimed.
"That is a good way of making sure I never come in,"
I said, examining my paws. "How could these little
things KNOCK? They can't even do magic!"
"For your information, I was talking about J-Harvey,"
she said quickly.
"Who is J?"
Sabrina scowled. "No-one. I just got my tongue all
twisted up!" She jumped back onto her bed. "I love
Saturdays," she said.
"J-hmm. Jack, John, Julian, Josh, Ja-wait a minute,"
I said. "You fancy Josh! Your boss!"
"Poet!" retorted Sabrina.
"If only I could tell Harvey," I said. "I will, when
I return to human."
"Yeah? Me and Harvey will be married and away from
this dump by then!" she said. "Me and Harvey, not
Josh. But..."
"But what?"
"I do fancy him," she admitted. "You're not allowed
to tell anyone 'cos I didn't have to tell you," she
warned. "I'm the one with power!"
"Yeah?" I laughed. "You wait. You'll be sorry."
"Salem!"
I ran out the door, laughing. The plan suddenly hit
me, just then. I knew Zelda had a magic-turner in the
loft. And I also knew she wanted moi to tidy out my
part of the loft, but I refused. Hee-hee.
"Zelda?" I asked.
"In the room, Salem," she called. "You need to tidy
out the loft soon."
"I will do it. Now, if you want," I said
majestically.
She pushed away her lap top. "Really?" she said, her
eyes sparkling. "That is so good of you!"
She picked me up and carried me upstairs. "I'll shut
the loft board," she said. "I'll come and get you in
half an hour."
"Perfect-I mean, lovely," I said. "Just enough time,"
I muttered, as she shut the board.
I hunted for about 15 minutes for this magic turner.
You're probably wondering what it is, aren't you?
Well, it's a little black coat, so no-one will notice
I'm wearing it. If someone casts a spell on you, good
or bad, then you get a little of their power. They
don't notice it's gone-not untill they've done it
about 10 times, that is. If someone, or a number of
people, cast 10 spells on you altogether, you would
have enough power to do really cool spells. It doesn't
run out, either, not unless I cast a spell on them
back. Which wouldn't happen-for about 100 years.
Hahahaha!
And they don't get replacement magic. They lose tons
sometimes.
"Aha!" I said. "Found it!"
It was a little black coat. I don't know how I
managed to get it on, but I did. It fitted quite
snugly. I looked at my self in the mirror.
"Great!" I said.
I quickly tidied up the mess in my part of the loft.
Zelda came up, on her word, and brought me down.
"You seem a little fatter Salem," she said. I
laughed. "Now I need to go to sort my stuff out."
"OK," I said.
I ran downstairs, two at a time (really!) Hilda is in
the kitchen.
"Salem!" she said. "Did you eat all the Cheerios?"
"Yup," I said.
"Well, I'm going to have to cast a body binding spell
then, aren't I?" she said.
"I guess so," I sighed.
She points at me and I'm bound up. "Soon I will have
power," I whispered to myself.
"Hilda?" called Zelda, running downstairs. "Have you
seen that little black jacket? The one that, if you
wear it, and someone casts a spell on you, you get
cancer?"
"What?????" I squealed.
"I've got the one where you recieve the other
person's power here," she said.
"Then that means...I'm gonna get CANCER!" I screamed.
"Undo the spell, quickly! Oh my god!!!!"