A/N: my take on Luffy's reaction after Ace's death. i was going to write some more about the part where Jinbei slams Luffy into a rock but decided against it. i may add that as a second chapter though. this was also written in a fit of rage, so if its unclear that's probably why. no critiques for this one please.
"Breathe."
They say it like it's easy. Like Luffy was just supposed to breathe and open his eyes and live on. Breathe in the crisp air of islands his brother would never visit, breathe in so sharply it'll make him feel like glass filled his lungs after a victorious fight, a sensation his brother loved but would never experience once more(because of him it was all his fault), breathe in and feel his chest heave up and down and up again, unlike how Ace's one fell(during that one time Luffy was too weak, too powerless, too helpless to do anything and till now he hates himself for it) and it took Luffy such a long, long moment to realise it would never rise and let loose air in the form of hearty laughter ever again.
They say it because they don't understand, don't understand how hard it is to simply breathe when he is not worthy of the air Ace desperately learnt to crave for in the last hour of his life, because he has become the worst person in the world—a pitiful, pitiful, coward.
Eventually Luffy takes their godforsaken advice and breathes. He sucks in one greedy breath after another but they'll escape his aching lungs, tear through his worn out throat in shrill, pained screams that rip all those who hear it in two, and those who don't into so many more(they are not there to scream with him, to hold him, to knock sense into him and it will haunt them years later from now how they were not there for their Captain, who's self and dreams had begun to become more important than their own, not there when his guiding light died and he begun to die with it).
Luffy drops to his knees, a position familiar for prayers(but who is there to pray to, what is there to pray for when there is nothing else to believe in and nothing else to wish for except for a life given up for his?), thumps bleeding, bandaged fists to the pounding rhythm in his head. He heaves dryly, stomach wanting to empty contents not there, heart hammering behind his ribcage(each beat reminds him of the faint ones he'd felt in sync with his own as he cradled his dying brother in his limp arms, smile evident when pressed against his shoulder), eyes watering and stinging so badly everything begins to look dull and unclear(just like his future and dreams—what dreams you weakling?).
He slams his head against the dirt, against bark, against rock, against anything hard enough to make him feel disorientated and pain-overflowing, raw pain that he hopes will wash away the memories(that is not what he wants and he knows it. he'll say over and over and over to help him forget when all he wants to do is remember) of three boys clinking red cups of promise together, cheers filled with hope for the future and elation over the bond now proven for all to see; of a young boy standing atop a hill, tall and proud, overlooking the vast ocean with his cry baby of a younger brother crouched beside him snivelling, a hard, determined glint in his eyes as a promise to never die is said, heard loud and clear even over the pounding waves and squalls of the gulls; of a man who shielded the one thing he valued more than anything in the world(including himself, but was that ever a question?), unflinching even as hot magma burned through the mark of pride he wore unblemished, even as his insides burnt and charred and he knew this was his end; of a man who's voice shook and broke and sounded so very, very warm as he uttered his thanks to the boy who taught him love, gave him so many reasons to stay alive and appreciate the life he was given; of a man who slacked in the boy's trembling arms and didn't stay long enough to hear the heart breaking gurgling yell that shook the entire battlefield with its tremendous grief for a split moment.
Of Ace's burning Vivre card before his eyes, disintegrating into dust and then-
Nothing.
(like him)
The memories flood his mind and suddenly his breath is stuck in his windpipe, unable to go out or in(he'll suppress that breath for as long as he can hold like how he has suppressed all his fear and uncertainty as he gazed into the horizon while sitting upon the head of a friend who's life is also coming to an end) causing him to writhe unsightly on the ground, struggling to move ahead but he cannot, struggling to just let go and move on and breathe like how everyone tells him to.
"Breathe, you coward, breathe and do everything he cannot because it is the least you could do for him!"
So he screams.