A/N: I was reading an article on ridiculous craigslist roommate demands and I thought, "Hmm...I could see Maura writing one of these!"
Hello!
I am looking for a suitable roommate to share my apartment. I have had past roommates whom I have disagreed with, so I am hoping that whomever responds to this ad will be willing to cooperate with me.
I abhor smoking, so smokers need not apply. I am otherwise very open-minded and have no issues with having a roommate who is a member of the LGBT community. Religion or lack thereof doesn't matter. I am only looking for one roommate, preferably around my age (mid-twenties) with no children or spouse.
Studies have shown that owning pets can improve your health in nearly every aspect – socially, mentally, even physically. I am not opposed to pets, and I do have a tortoise named Bass. I request that anyone applying to be my roommate have no more than two pets, however, and that their pets are able to get along with Bass. My tortoise means the world to me and if it comes between you and Bass, you will have to go.
To live with me you must always keep one eye glued to the ground (not literally, of course, as that would not be beneficial toward your health or sanity!) because Bass likes to roam around and is very slow to react to feet that could step on him. His shell is strong but it's never good to take chances.
I cook and clean rather frequently but I do ask that you don't leave too big of a mess and don't depend on me to fix all of your meals. I am a medical student and do not always have time to cook for anyone other than myself. I will be spending a lot of time studying, so you must ask first if you wish to play loud music. Please never play your music louder than 90 decibels, as prolonged exposure to loud music can permanently damage one's hearing.
As it has been an issue in the past, I would like to address the idea of bringing home random sexual partners for 'one-night stands.' I do not care what you do in your free time, as long as you are quiet. In fact, most scientists agree that sexual activity can stimulate one's creativity and release endorphins that help to ward off colds. I find earplugs to be very uncomfortable, so if you can keep your sexual interactions quiet and also not on the living room couch, we will get along fine.
I do many experiments and if you are to live with me you cannot be squeamish at the sight of blood, organs, bodies, et cetera. I aspire to be a medical examiner for homicide cases and if that is not 'your thing,' I advise you not to apply!
If you have any questions, we can discuss the arrangements further in an email! Contact me and we'll talk from there!
-Maura Isles
A/N: I'm debating whether I'm going to continue with Jane's response or not. Probably not, but MAYBE. We'll see. Let me know what you think, though!