Note: This fic is entirely dialogue. Hopefully it's not too hard to figure out who's saying what; there are a couple times it doesn't even matter, so feel free to imagine.

Warning for our heroes' foul mouths and sketchy ideas of "making chit-chat."

Taichi, Sora, and Yamato are on a road trip. Yamato drives, Sora navigates, Taichi does his utmost to make a pest of himself. They all love each other though. Truly. They just also want to slit each other's throats.

Mad-Libs

"Hey Sora. Soooraaa. Hey."

"Mm… what, Taichi."

"Think of a noun."

"No. I already told you no. I took a solemn vow the last time we played Mad-Libs never to make such a fatal error again."

"What are you talking about, you had a great time. You cracked up because one of the combos was 'patriotic lobsters.' You couldn't breathe, you were laughing so hard."

"I mean, yeah, it was a little funny."

"Tears pouring down your face."

"But that was before you started —"

"We thought you were having some kind of attack."

"— That was before you started putting down 'Sora's hat' for every answer."

"Wait a minute. He couldn't do that for every answer. Some are verbs and stuff, aren't they?"

"'One day Sora's hat went Sora's-hatting near the Sora's hatty Sora's hat store.'"

"You're kidding me."

"Nope."

"It was inspired."

"It was obnoxious, you're eternally eight years old, and I will have nothing more to do with you."

"Eight, huh. Cool, I've grown a whole two years since last time."

"Only because we've been driving for an hour and you haven't yelled —"

"Punch buggy blue no punch back!"

"Ow! Shit, Taichi. I'm driving."

"This is why we made you sit in the back, now stay there."

"No, Yamato made me sit in the back so he could fondle your hand behind the cup holder. As if I can't see your lecherous activities from here."

"I — get shotgun because I'm the navigator, you ridiculous —"

"Navigator to where? Give me the name of a place!"

"I thought you wanted a noun?"

"You took too long, so I put in the first one."

"What did you put? If it's 'butt' I am going to have Yamato dump you on the highway."

"If you don't tell me a place this very instant, I'm going to write down Sora's-Hat-McButt-ville."

"Fine. Walmart, then."

"Walmart? Seriously? You could pick anywhere in the whole world, literally anywhere. And you pick Walmart?"

"It's my decision, isn't it?"

"The Taj Mahal, Angkor Wat —"

"Isn't it?"

"— Mick Jagger's sock drawer —"

"You know what? I am keeping Walmart. Just to spite you."

"I'm spitten with delight. Yama, give me a… verb!"

"Lick. Don't call me Yama. And don't spit in my car."

"Lick! So someone in Walmart is going to be licking things. Our little fairy tale is coming along tres sexy."

"Sexy Walmart fairy tale. Sounds like one of Takashi's awful pornos."

"About a Cinderella who works part-time at the help desk?"

"Nah, in lingerie."

"How predictable. Wouldn't the shoe department make more sense?"

"Sora. It's a porno."

"Then we should at least go with Victoria's Secret instead of Walmart."

"Ooh! Let's change the place to Victoria's —"

"NO!"

"OK, new rule — no changes. The first word you say is the one you're stuck with."

"You guys are no fun. You're sat there in the front conspiring about Cinderella at Victoria's Secret and leaving me out even though I'm doing you all a favor by being scribe. Then you start adding new rules for no reason. Again, leaving me out. Do you know how hard it is to write on a scrap of napkin with nothing but your own knee for a desk?"

"Yamato is driving, I've got the map, and you think you're the one working hard?"

"Please, you aren't doing anything with that map. We all have GPS on our phones."

"GPS or no, I'd rather have Sora in the front with a map. All this new-fangled technology that doesn't let you think for yourself, it's just asking for someone to drive off a cliff…"

"Sora, why are you dating this old geezer? He belongs in a nursing home with everyone else who's got false teeth and Microsoft Office 2003."

"Actually, he has Office 2007 now. I made him upgrade so he'd stop whining at me every time he couldn't open a .docx file."

"So there are benefits to being a sugar daddy. Apart from the obvious."

"Taichi, I swear —"

"Sora, adjective-y adjective, pronto!"

"Obnoxious."

"Wow, Yama. Subtle. Anyway it doesn't count, it's not your turn. It's Sora's turn. Adjective, milady."

"Passive-aggressive."

"Yama, was it really necessary to go flying around that corner just now?"

"If we hit a tree and die, it's your fault."

"That would be strange, since you're the one driving, while I've been exiled to the back seat —"

"Next is a noun, right? Pick a noun, Yamato. Please, babe?"

"… Whatever. Platypus."

"Taichi, write down 'platypus.'"

"Aw, look at you two, so cute I just want to squeeze all the sweet stuff out of you, like a ketchup bottle."

"What, you're not gonna bleat over my stupid answer?"

"Hey, I like platypuses!"

"Well, good then."

"Though echidna would be a teensy bit more original —"

"Next we need a verb! It's your turn, Taichi."

"When did you steal the napkin from me? I thought you were busy being navigator."

"Can you see the road? See how it goes in a long, unbending line? That's because right now we are going straight. Yamato doesn't need me to tell him not to veer off the asphalt."

"Though you usually tell me anyway."

"Excuse me?"

"… Uh. Look, roadkill."

"Do you have something to say about my navigating, Yamato-kun?"

"No. I do not."

"Really? Because I'm pretty sure you just — hey, give that back!"

"No. I'm the scribe. Not you. You are the navigator, who is paying close attention to the straight straight road in case it decides to get experimental with a wanton side street."

"… Taichi, oh my God."

"Intersections get boring if you always go straight."

"Siiigh. What's next on the list?"

"Uh… an adjective from Sora."

"Saintly."

"Why, because I don't like it when you freak the hell out every time I make a turn?"

"You mean careen. I thought the word careen only applied to the Batmobile until I drove with you the first time."

"… So… how's the hand-fondling going over there?"

"None of your business."

"Okey-dokey. Yamato — noun!"

"Taichi."

"What?"

"That's my noun."

"Not a proper noun."

"There's nothing 'proper' about you, my friend. By the way, your fly is open."

"Stuff it, goldielocks. … 'Kay, I just did the next one, Sora's turn again. 'Nother noun."

"Brother complex."

"Oops! Sorry, turns out that slot has to be the same as the first noun. Which I picked. Too bad, so sad."

"I do not have a brother complex."

"It's a game. And you kind of do."

"PUNCH BUGGY YELLOW NO PUNCH — ow."

"That car is tricked out."

"Whoa, look, there's even a periscope coming out of the sunroof."

"Clearly they are watching us. Better quit feeling her up while in a moving vehicle, you cad."

"Who's turn?"

"Yamato's. Last one. Verb."

"Hmm… How about 'divide by zero.'"

"Divide… by… zeeeero. It's done! Hallelujah! Our masterpiece is complete, finis! See the value of teamwork?"

"I am sure both Yamato and I share your deep sense of accomplishment."

"We'll be inducted into the Mad-Libs Hall of Fame!"

"I'm not convinced this is destined for greatness. After all, Taichi hasn't showed us any of the words he chose. They might all be 'butt.'"

"Like I said, he's perpetually stuck in third grade…"

"Ye of little faith. Let me read the final draft to you and then you will see the evidence of my genius."

"Evidence of genius? Your fly is still down."

"Shun the non-believer!"

"Why would you install a periscope in the sunroof? Is that even legal?"

"To spy. They're secret agents."

"In a banana yellow Volkswagen?"

"Sora, have you never seen Naruto?"

"You know that's fake, right?"

"Heeey! Quit it with the lovey-dovey! I am trying to read to you The Thing! The Thing of Exorbitant Thingity! Screw Naruto!"

"You let him have sugar, didn't you."

"Damn, it was just the one soda while you were in the restroom."

"After I explicitly told you, he will never leave us alone if you do that. Men are so unreliable."

"For once I can only hang my head in shame."

"I am appalled by your lack of interest in our magnum opus. When I signed up for this road trip, no one told me I'd be dealing with a pair of cynics. Fine, be that way. I'm just going to put my name on the byline and tell the world I wrote it myself. You had nothing to do with it."

"Good riddance."

"No way! I put a lot of thought into that 'passive-aggressive' answer. I'm proud of it. And I've always wanted to see my name on the spine of a book."

"… More like tabloid."

"Alright, if you let me read then I'll sign your names when I send it to the publisher. I'm not splitting the royalties, though. Okay, ready?"

"Go for it."

"Woot woot."

"Ahem. 'Once upon a time, there was a butt who lived' —"

"Dammit, Taichi!"

"Whaaat?"

"What is so entertaining about butts! Quit sniggering!"

"Come on, at least I didn't pick you!"

"You are four years old!"

"Dang, I aged down again. Can I go on now? Yes? Capital. So: 'Once upon a time, there was a butt who lived in Walmart.'"

"That makes so much sense."

"Ignore the driver, his brain's addled by the bird shit on the windowshield. 'One day, they licked a Numemon and became very passive-aggressive.' Bask in the glory of your word choice, Sora."

"Aaaugh such a waste."

"'A platypus tried to titillate them' —"

"Titillate? Really, Taichi, titillate?"

"I knew I shouldn't have given him that thesaurus."

"I can't expect the masses to understand true vision. Continuing on. 'But it didn't work. So a saintly Taichi' —"

"What!"

"Thanks for that, Yamato!"

"Wait, how is this my fault?"

"You picked Taichi for a noun!"

"You picked saintly!"

"Well, I wouldn't have if you didn't almost flip over the guardrail zooming around that curve!"

"Are you sick of 'careen' now, Sora?"

"Actually Yamato gave me a thesaurus too…"

"So really it's Yamato's fault for giving us thesauruses? — Thesauri?"

"Yes, let's blame Yamato and his messed up idea of a Christmas present."

"Yes let's. Though, wait, I'm not pissed at him over anything…"

"That's it, I'm driving into the lake."

"But then you'll never know the dramatic conclusion. 'A saintly Taichi' (and never did pen meet napkin in a more elegant line of prose) 'decided to give them Sora's left nostril.'"

"STOP THIS CAR."

"What now?! At least it's not your hat!"

"I AM GOING TO KILL YOU."

"But it's just your —"

"KILL YOU DEAD."

"— left nostril, that's all — you have two —"

"How do you give away a nostril? Isn't it just a hole?"

"Yamato. The car. Is still. Moving. He still draws breath. Tell me, do you want to see me naked ever again?"

"Stand strong, Yama!"

"She makes a compelling argument, you have to admit."

"I'll let you see me naked."

"Dude, when are you ever not? Zip your damn fly."

"'In the end'—"

"Yamato we are STILL MOVING."

"— 'In the end, the butt would never again divide by zero.' There it's over, wow wasn't that thrilling! Wasn't it worth every sacrifice, every shred of indignity? I feel like a true artist, risking my neck for the sake of my craft. The world is a better place for the existence of this… uh, moral tale of futility and acceptance."

"Sora, what are you digging for in the glove compartment?"

"The ice scraper. It's nice and blunt, right?"

"Crap! Yamato, what kind of joke is this? Quick, turn off the child lock!"

This is the second silliest thing I've ever written and I'm not sure what it has to do with Digimon, but I hope you got a laugh out of it! ~ Fizz

Taichi right now: (#xQx)